5-23-06 – LJ – Drake… Do I make you proud?

 

Amy and Kelli were watching American Idol.  They’re obsessed.  I wasn’t paying much attention.  Then, Taylor Hicks started singing this song that’s going to be his single, and it really struck me.  

The song made me think, at the end of the day, the thing which makes each day a success or a failure in my eyes, what matters most to me, what I really need to know…

 

do I make anyone proud?

 

 

“Do I Make You Proud?”  Taylor Hicks

 

I’ve never been the one to raise my hand.

That was not me,

and now that’s who I am.

Because of you,

I am standing tall.

 

My heart is full

of endless gratitude.

You were the one,

the one to guide me through.

Now I can see,

and I believe,

its only just beginning.

 

This is what we dream about.

But the only question with me now is

do I make you proud?

I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.

I’ve never been afraid of standing out.

But, do I make you proud?

 

Everybody needs to rise up.

Everybody needs to be loved.

To be loved.

 

This is what we dream about.

But the only question with me now is

do I make you…

do I make you proud?

The only question is

do I make you proud?

 

I’m stronger than I’ve ever been.

I’ve never been afraid of standing out.

But do I make you proud?

Do I make you proud?

 

 

Yeah… I’m a sap.

Drake

5-21-06 – LJ – Drake… Maybe my acceptability problem comes down to rabies

I fully expect to get my ass handed to me for this – like that would be anything new. But, I’m just going to write this and be damned. I’m damned anyway so what’s the point hiding my journal? Hiding what I write makes me feel silenced. I have enough shit to deal with right now. I cant deal with that too.

I was sitting here, staring at the computer, feeling about as low as I think a person can feel and still be able to stand upright when I got a call from two people at __ who always accepted me – no matter how I was acting – who laughed at me when I was bad or unreasonable or being maddeningly 16, saying I was “embracing the punk”. In all those years, virtually every single word awry between me and anybody there was over only one of two things – and that was infrequent, until the end time.

I miss that acceptance. I miss being accepted, being acceptable – even with all my leaks.

_______ was first to talk to me today. I had a wonderful convo with my _________. The first in well over a year. Even though she called because they had dental work and she felt sick from the meds, we laughed and talked and went on at each other.

Then, I asked how ______ was because I care about her and want her to be happy again. I was thrilled to see her doing so much better. Just like she was for all those years until the break-up of the TC/__  friendship thing and for a while afterward, she was more like her old self today. I’ll never forget my friendship with her.

I guess she picked up that something was very not right about me today. So she was like what’s your problem? What’s going on? I don’t remember how I responded really. something to the effect of no matter how hard I try, I cannot be acceptable, and that I will somehow live in spite of it. I think I mostly just told her that I can’t do or say or be anything right, and that its getting to me. So she popped back then with “well, you know, you DO have rabies”.

That made me smile, and I told her so. Then, she started reminiscing about the time I stuck several of ______’s stuffed frogs in my mouth and then chased her around the house, looking like I was foaming at the mouth, telling her I was going to catch her and give her rabies.

Oh God, that is one of my best memories ever. I’ll never forget how fun she was about the rabies thing – which carried on for years.

______ said she had gone over to DX to check on me and see how I was doing – only to find DX crashed.  I told her that it wouldn’t have made much difference anyway because almost everything I write anymore is private. When she asked why, I said “because I say and do unacceptable things”.

She said I should stop trying so hard to please, to be acceptable, and just be me because, whoever truly loves me, will love me even then. I was like yeah well that makes a lot of sense, but its not so easy.

She then asked me “what in the world happened to ‘my thoughts. my words. my responsibility.’”? (Referring to the disclaimer I had for years on my old DX journal.) Very good point.

She’s right, you know. Anybody who doesn’t want to see what I say can not read it. And if I’m unacceptable – in written or spoken word or in deed, then I’m fucking unacceptable. I just know that I’ve never had deeper valleys than I’ve had since I started trying so hard to be what others want and think I should be.

Drake

5-21-06 – LJ – Drake… Leaks

I feel beat up. I should be angry. I should be raging. But I feel beat up.

Maybe people are right about me when they say I’ve lost my dark. I say that myself sometimes even, but it can’t be true though. I mean, look what I just did weeks ago here inside. I wrote about it, but I’m not sure I put it on the journal yet.

So in the midst of our maelstrom of hell, the day will be full today. The men in the family are finally fixing that damn pool. It will take all day, we’re told. That man here swears he’s done it before and knows how to do it.

This pool situation was one of those times in our life in which months were spent thinking about what was the best thing to do, praying over it, receiving no answer. Repair this pool? Or just say die and fill in the fucking hole?

Finally decided to fix it, give it one more go, after looking almost daily into the faces of the _ _ _ _ _ _ for the last month as they have begged for their pool, to go “whimming”. So, right or wrong, its being repaired and we’ll pray to God it was the right decision.

It strikes me that this is an unfortunate microcosm of what my life in particular has been like ever since emerging hell hit me. Yeah, that’s been over a couple of years, but I’m not often sure I sometimes like the person I was after surviving it. I know I sure hear enough that others find many faults in me. Its like I got “repaired”, but was left with leaks…

How I long for the days in which I was a hard motherfucker because I think maybe hard mofo’s don’t leak as much.

So the house will be full of everybody today. Don’t know when. Don’t know if it’ll be all day or just part of the afternoon and around dinnertime. And the thought of it makes me cringe because all I want to do is lie in that damn bed and give in – give in to the physical pain, give in to the exhaustion, give in to the depression – which I’ve been told over and over and over that I’ve mastered.

obviously the truth is that I have mastered depression. Oh how proud I am. *shakes head*

I’ll just stop here. Try to think of something positive…

oh yeah, we still have hair.

Drake

5-21-06 – LJ – Drake… Struggling

There have been worse days, but not many.

D

5-19-06 – LJ – Gypsy… What I am not

I’ve been at the front for several years now. Didn’t take long for me to fall in love with the ____________ and form relationships with them. And I’m good with them. They think I’m cool.

But aside from them, I’ve been a capable fronter for at least a couple or three years, flying it alone, close to no one else but them, only occasionally writing something to that list, not trying to make friends or get to know anybody else outside until recently. So maybe I’ve been the dreaded trapped here in this world for years anyway and just didnt know it. I donno. I know I’ve got this recent wrenching need to be understood. And what the fuck is that about?

What I also know is that there are many things I am, and many things I’m not. And one of the things I’m not is a pussy.

Gypsy