8-29-06 – LJ – Drake… Destiny – Thoughts and theories on the issue

 

Stepping out… 

I ended up making a public entry out of a post I wrote the list earlier this morning regarding the question of destiny.  Its written about my views on destiny in general, and about various situations I’ve encountered in my own person life… but its particularly dedicated to a certain current situaton.

I’ve decided to try_once again_to strike a balance between not feeling silenced, but also not causing pain to people I love by what I say publicly.  So, here I am, sticking my toes back in to the water…

“Our destiny changes with our thought; we shall become what we wish to become, do what we wish to do, when our habitual thought corresponds with our desire.” – Orison S. Marder

*

 

This quote makes me think about what does destiny truly mean?   Websters defines “destiny”…

1 : something to which a person or thing is destined  
2 : a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency

synonym see FATE

 

And, “destined”, according to Websters means…

1 : to decree beforehand : PREDETERMINE
2 a : to designate, assign, or dedicate in advance

 

I do believe that some things about our lives are destined to happen, and that some people are destined to cross our paths, and that true love (when it happens) is destined to be. In other words, I believe in destiny/fate.

 

What I think is that where we come in on this whole destiny/fate thing is in how we handle these situations.  I mean, sometimes, destiny/fate brings wonderful, true, lasting things and people in to our lives.  

 

But, sometimes, destiny/fate deals out cruel blows.  And, often, destiny/fate is unfair.  Its like destiny fulfills the ying and yang theory of mine because destiny can be either positive or negative.   

 

So, I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not sure I believe that quote at the beginning here.  I believe destiny is what it is… destiny. 

 

I believe that the destiny situations in our lives are crossroads… 

Therefore, I don’t believe destiny itself is controllable, but rather one of those times in our lives in which we choose which road to take, which door to open, which door to close…

ie.  You can be destined to be with someone, whatever they might be – friend, family… – but its your choice whether you fulfill that destiny.  And, it is the other person’s choice as well. 

And, whichever way either of you decide, those decisions on the matter lead you each down one of those crossroads of that particular destiny situation, together or apart, depending upon the choices made of the individuals involved.  And, unfortunately, those choices do not always coincide.  And, that is particularly sad.

In the end, to me, destiny is.

 

But, our reaction to destiny is where we come in.  So, in effect, to me, that quote above is more about perseverance and reaction to situations of our lives rather than to the actual destiny itself.

 

Drake

9:10 a.m.

 

 

8-27-06 – LJ – Drake… Well, my dog’s glad to see me

Yes, I have been unbalanced yet again – something which is becoming so not a surprise to people who know me.   Special shout out to those who took advantage of the very public family difficulty we’ve been in, and  tripped some shit off here.  Your lucky I don’t get  people on the flip side any more… and you know who you are.

 

I got back early this evening.  Just me.  So that makes me and my sister Lisa here, and that Most High, who doesn’t really count.  And, like I said in the subject line… my dog’s happy to see me.  

 

Our gigantic labradoodle, Annie, is the one ___ calls our dark dog.  She’s definitely my dog.  Actually, she prefers guys in general – which bugs the shit out of the chics.  I mean, she loves them too, but she definitely prefers the guys.  

 

So, I’ve been back around for several hours now, hoping I can prove that I can like actually be stable, and also have to be able to eat and drink more than Lisa’s been managing to get down because we are literally knocking on the hospital’s door at this point.   Well, my dog has been all over me every few minutes.  She keeps getting on me and laying her head on my chest and giving me “love” – something actually the chics here taught her to do sort of a la Riley.   God knows I need some love.

 

Drake

8-18-06 – LJ – Drake… Over my head – yeah, the wallowing in grief just does not end, does it?

I never knew.
I never knew that everything was falling through.
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth.
But that’s how it’s got to be.
It’s coming down to nothing more than apathy.
I’d rather run the other way than stay andsee
The smoke and who’s still standing when it clears. Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head.
Over my head.
With eight seconds left in overtime,
She’s on your mind.
She’s on your mind.

 

*

 

Let’s rearrange.
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage.
Just say that we agree, and then never change.
Soften a bit until we all just get along.
But that’s disregard.
Find another friend, and you discard,
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between.

 

*

 

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head.
Over my head.
With eight seconds left in overtime,
She’s on your mind.
She’s on your mind.

 

*

 

And suddenly, I become a part of your past.
I’m becoming the part that don’t last.
I’m losing you, and its effortless.
Without a sound, we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around.
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down.
I won’t let it go down till we torch it ourselves. 

 

*

 

And everyone knows I’m in
Over my head.
Over my head.
With eight seconds left in overtime,
She’s on your mind.
She’s on your mind. 

 

 

 

 “Over my head”,  The Fray

 

*

Ok, I’ll stop wallowing in grief now and go take something and knock us out.

Drake

8-18-06 – LJ – Drake… Where I’m trying to get my head at

An empty room can be so deafening.
The silence makes you wanna scream.
It drives you crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name,
And burned the picture in a frame.
But it couldn’t save me.And how could we quit something we never even tried?
Well you still can’t tell me why. 

 

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like it meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn’t give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my light,
Just to find what your looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can’t hate you anymore.
I can’t hate you anymore.

Your not the person who you used to be,
The one who wanted to be with me.
And that’s a shame.
But, there’s only so many tears that you can cry
Before it drains the light right from your eyes,
And I can’t go on that way.
So I’m letting of everything we were.
It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like it meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn’t give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my light,
Just to find what your looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can’t hate you anymore.

Sometimes you hold so tight,
It slips right through your hands.
Will I ever understand?

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like it meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn’t give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my light,
Just to find what your looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can’t hate you anymore.

“I Can’t Hate You Any More”
Nick Lachey

 

Drake

8-18-06 – LJ – Drake… I’m changing

 

Look at me.
I am changing.
Trying every way I can.
I am changing.
I’ll be better than I am.
I’m trying-to find a way to understand.
But I need you.
I need you.
I need a hand. I am changing.
Seeing everything so clear now.
I am changng.
I’m gonna start right now, 
right here.
I’m hoping to work it out, 
And I know that I can.
But I need you.
I need a hand.

All my life,
I’ve been a fool
Who said I could do it all alone.
How many good friends have I already lost?
How many dark nights have I known?

Walking down that wrong road, 
There was nothing I could find,
All those years of darkness
Can make a person blind.
But now I can see.

I am changing.
Trying every way I can.
I am changing.
I’ll be better than I am.
But I need a friend to help me start all over again.
Oh, that would be just fine.
I know it’s gonna work out this time
‘Cause this time I am…
This time I am…

I am changing.
Gonna get my life together now.
I am changing.
Yes, I know how.
I’m gonna start again.
I’m leaving my past behind.
I’ll change my life.
I’ll make a vow,
And nothing’s gonna stop me now.

“I’m Changing”
Jennifer Holliday

Drake 

 

 

8-18-06 – LJ – Drake… All I think about is you

 If this keeps going this way much longer, 
I dont know what I will do.
You’ve got to understand it’s a hard life 
That I’m going through.
 

 And when the night falls in around me, 
I dont think I’ll make it through.
I’ll use your light to guide the way, 
Cause all I think about is you.

“Landing in London / All I Think About Is You”
3 Doors Down

Drake

8-18-06 – LJ – Amy… Failure to launch made me cry

I was watching Failure to Launch the other day.  Crying even tho its a comedy cause that seems like all I’m capable of doing good lately.  I’m like way outta the anger stage and in to the bawling at the drop of a hat one.

 

Anyway in this movie, two of the main characters are best friends who’ve been living together for years.  They’re very very different and you watch this movie thinking how in the world have these people managed to live together for years cause they’re so different?  but they’ve stuck together thru everything that’s come their way.   And its uplifting and encouraging to see that some people – no matter how different – really do love each other enough to stick together.

 

Then in the movie, everything goes to hell.  And everybody decides they cant even stand to be round each other, and everybody leaves everybody. 

 

In one of the situations in the movie, one of the friends (Friend 2) leaves the other one (Friend 1) and is moving out and far away.   She goes by their home to pick up the last of her stuff before she’s gone forever, and…

 

 

Friend 1 (who’s the type that wouldn’t say sorry if a bus ran over her, suddenly blurts out):  I’m sorry that I pointed out to you that you fell in love with a client, and that made you go crazy and you turned in to a total bitch.

 

Friend 2 (you can tell by the look on her face how shocked she is to get any apology at all out of her friend, so she pauses and gulps and stumbles round for her response): Wow, um that must have been really hard for you to say.

 

Friend 1:   I thot it was gonna be, but I just kindabreezed right thru it.

 

Friend 2 (smiling in a sad/understanding/accepting way):  Well… thanks.

 

Friend 2 (now its her turn to apologize):  And I’m sorry that I pointed out that you haven’t had a real relationship for the last five years cause I’m the only person that can tolerate your bizarre and violent mood swings.

 

Friend 1 (emotionally moved, placing her hands over her heart):  Oh!  Thank you!

 

Then, they throw their arms round each other - hug hug

 

Then, it all works out in the end, and everybody stays together cause they love each other no matter what.

 

 

I bawled and bawled and bawled.  And I’m still crying several times a day days later thinking bout that exchange in that stupid movie.  Bout how, tho they had both done and said awful horrible things to each other, in the end, they both apologized best they could – and they went on together past the ordeal that had tested them so. 

 

And its made me cry so much in a funny/sad way cause that exchange so totally made me think of some of the apologies that’s happened between people over the years.  

 

and I can’t stop believing that I dont think its always so much how a person says they’re sorry when terrible things has happened.  What’s most important I believe, is that they are sorry and that they’re willing to say it – in however way they can. 

 

Amy

8-13-06 – LJ – Drew… its drew

i guess i’ll write here. i dont feel comfortable on the colony girls journal.  i have to get something out of me altho i dont for the life of me know why.  i aint much of a talker and i aint sure i’ve ever written in a journal before but i just have to say i’m sitting here drinking her coffee.   to get any sensation at all that i can of feeling close to her.  

how fucked up is that?  to still want, to still need, to feel some connection to the person who just spread horrible shit all over the damn place?   and who is back, and completely unremorseful?  maybe like kelli used to say, i should be shot.

this is all my fault.  i set her of in a rage and she struck back and hit this whole place even tho she knows that accusation is part of my damage in particular.   i shouldnt even be chancing being here at the front right now to drink her coffee

i’m afraid to even be out here right now but i know this is all my fault and i just have to say it.  i was the fuse that set her off.  my mind says dont be stupid. stay inside where you can do no harm.  but my heart says she is out here somewhere. god

i could never hate her.  not even now.  and i sit here drinking her coffee just to feel any kind of connection.   

when _____ told me she loved me that last nite i talked to anybody i said that i love her too.  and i do..  and i’ve told _____l several times too.  i have never thrown that word around.  thats just three people besdies __________ i’ve ever said i love you to in my whole life.  but it wasnt enough.  

she always swore i wanted her to change but it was her who couldnt accept me as i am.  and then to put that unbelievable shit out there about us.  but here i am anyway sitting here drinking her damn coffee just to feel some little connection to her.

i do still believe it could be fixed.  like the others here, i too do believe.  if she would just say sorry and take it back.  i know there would still be some people who would always still believe it cause multiples seem to be that way about jumping on the bandwagon to believe terrible shit.  but the love is too strong here.  even for me.  i know people would forgive and move on if she would just

how i miss several of them.  i thot i was really making strides and beginning to connect with people again.   guess i was wrong

see? see whats happened to me?  i got pulled in.  i loved.  and now here i sit alone drinking the coffee of someone i wasnt good enough for and who has absolutely torn my life to shreds. 

drew

8-8-06 – LJ – Eve… So the ring is off. I hope it fucking stays that way

That kid, Chloe, knows about my nosing around yesterday.  I can’t keep anything from her evidently.  She’s good too. 

She had an hysterical thing herself after knowing new things said.  The man was very kind to her until I was finally able to get around her.  

Several hours later, last night, she took the ring off, saying she will never again wear anything that symbolizes people who could say such cruel and horrific things about people here.   So, its in a box.  I hope somebody flushes the fucker when they get back.

Eve

8-7-06 – LJ – Eve… Eve is watching

I am Eve, Otherworlder, a Renegade in Drake’s system.  Well, or whoever’s system it ends up being if he doesn’t survive or get pulled back together enough to lead again. 

 

My growing fear for some time has been that he’s been heading down the trail of others before him such as Drew and DLs in other systems people here have known who tried to renegade, and be fronters too.  Apparently, that show-down to determine his fate is now in progress.

I’ve been alone here at the front since in the night hours night before last with that light kid, Chloe.  I’m not stupid.  When she disappeared hours before the building battle over Drake started going down, I figured those Most Highs had taken her and were bolstering her up to be at the front because it was obvious Amy was too fucked up when they took her again earlier that day to be able to get “fixed” enough to do her defending, holding the front thing, in such short order. 

 

That job has fallen to Chloe before, and the obvious conclusion was that it would again.  What I didn’t anticipate was that I’d be here with her.  But, ok, I understand that a poser is needed for the front.  And, I’m good.

 

I’ve made sure its known that the kid Chloe is here by herself with only me, an unknown “poser”.  Now, I’m watching.  I’m sitting here alone with an innocent bystanding kid at the front.  And I will remember, and stand ready to report.

 

Eve