10-31-07 – drake… I dont even know if Annie is alive and I’ve lost my chosen child

I dont knwo whwere to start or where to end.  basicaly one of our home care medical team took over, reported people met online, and  now a report has been filed and we have to take them to court. 

 took annie back today on the first day that third vet wa sback. knew she was doing worse. ahve been gettig progressively worried and even npaicked about her.  the vet literally told us that she is in such bad shape he was afraid she was going to drop dead in his office.  they kept her.  first they thought she had pda patent ductus arteriosis. fixable.  two weeks later, her condition has bdeteriorated to the point that fluid is everywhere and they think she might be in congestive heart failure.  they kept her for tests.  we told him w e ahve 700 to put down and have to pay the rest out.  we have our med probs and naother major surgery coming. t hats all we can do.  so they ran all the tests they can there.  they found a lung tumor. they were stusnned.  they dont know what it is. they said they were trying to decide if she wouod be ok to scope her lung and get a sample early t omrrow morngin or if they’d hae to stay late and do it and whatever.  we never heard badk.  wr dont know whats going on.  knowing the vet, and how shocked he is over our condition, i figure if she’s died this evenign since he told john these things he didnt call, will wait for morning.  so we dont know if she’s alive or dead.  we dont know what that mass is.  we dontknow if the heart is invovled too.  we dont know if she can be saved.

and  have lost my  beloved chosen family and have discovered that they didnt fight for us like they led us on to believe they were.  to allow such behavior toward a person fightig for their life…

  look what i’ve done to us fighting for my fmaily.  this is all my fault.  if we die,  i share the blame of it for opoening us up to the evil darkness of her to be our destruction.  God forgive me

10-18-07 – Drake… My dog has to have open heart surgery

No I’m not kidding.  We’re all still in shock here.  The vet already got a second opinion.  He’s consulting with another vet, then will call us back about how to proceed and, I’m sure, pay this off.  We are one of the few people he’ll still let pay vet bills out. 

As is well-known, Annie is a Labradoodle.  Evidently the giant poodles (that’s what John came home calling them) are prone to a particular heart defect.  There are two valves going in to the heart.  One is leaking, so the blood isn’t oxygentating correctly, which is making fluid fill the lungs.  That’s why Annie has started this coughing/choking/heaving thing.

Vet said she will die without the surgery, she’s ok right now, and she’s young and otherwise in excellent health.  He said he’s done this surgery on two or three other dogs (can’t remember what John said), all successfully.

That’s all I can talk about it right now.  But this is my baby.  Annie loves everybody, but she’s my dog. 

*
Gypsy’s right.  I have got to pull myself together, not only for __________, for __________, that man here, for the system… but I have to pull myself together for Jess.  She needs me.  And I have to pull myself together for Annie. 

G’s right.  I’ve been unbalanced and grieving and not thinking straight long enough.  They’re trying not to overwhelm me with knowledge of  the scope of nuttiness and evilness involved against us. 

At least I can see now that G and Cody and others here are probably right.  We were probably just a “game”, another conquest, another destruction of another “enemy”. 

I can’t even understand NOBODY stopping their crazy lying ass insiders or at the very least writing public things themselves that they LOVE us!  Can’t process it because there’s no way in hell our system would allow ANY insider to be that evil and crazy outside. 

I’m not talking about that  right now though.  This is about my baby, my dog.  And this is about people who do still, or really truly, love me, need me, depend on me.  I have to stand up now and take control of my life and my mind back.

Drake

10-17-07 – Drake… Something wrong with Annie, head burning again, ramblings about fear, loss of loved ones – just my regular fucked up shit anymore…

I jolted to the front a while ago with Annie, I guess you’d call it, coughing real hard.  It sounded hacking.  Her sides were even heaving. 

I may be fucked up, but Annie’s my dog, my baby.  She seems ok now, but I don’t know what’s wrong with her.  And we can’t take any chances with her.  Well, with any of the animals. 

Hell, look what we spent on Henry just a while ago because Sharon couldn’t bear to go to, what we thought was, the hysterectomy coming up (before it got cancelled the second time over that abdominal wound which ___ caused) without Henry being taken care of in case we didn’t make it back home.  So, even if we don’t get to buy groceries and have to eat out of the pantry for weeks, Annie’s going in to the vet as soon as the man gets home. 

*

They tell me that man will be home probably early because he went in early. I hope so because I want him to take my dog to the vet right away.

I know he won’t complain.  He’s a good person.  I’m so thankful he listened to Lisa back in the first attack, to her explanations about a couple of the girls here being teenagers who’d only fronted a few years and had no outside contact to speak of 3D except for John and the girls and babies. 

He also listened to her about how us guys were all suffering socially because nobody 3D would talk to us or have anything to do with us in any way. 

He immediately did a total turnaround with the girls – and their attitudes toward him almost turned around too, although I know they still see him as a father figure.  He also started talking to us guys, engaging in actual conversations with us, not telling us to go away or ignoring us, or looking at us like freaks.  God bless him.

Then, Sharon and him worked through problems they’d had with each other for years.  He’d been mad from not long after the last near-death when Sue didn’t make it to be a fronter again.  She was his favorite, they say.  And, he and Sharon had always kind of locked horns. 

So, he was mad, and Sharon got defensive – and they fought for years.  But, they’ve made peace with each other almost a year ago now, or around a year ago.  Now, granted, Sharon can still be um intense, and can still be difficult, unreasonable, and even a bitch sometimes, but she’s way calmed down just because he calmed down.  I think they’ve both come to accept certain things about each other. 

At any rate, the healings of the relationships between John and a couple of the girls here, between him and the guys here who have to fucking front, and between him and Sharon, and the realization that, when the chips were DOWN, shockingly, that man, John, was literally THE ONLY person 3D to stand firm beside us…

those have been the only blessings of this gigantic traumatic clusterfuck that I can see.  Now, if we can just survive all this medical crisis shit, and stabilize out somewhere within the staying at home with home health care region, that would really be a blessing. 

*

Annie just heaved behind me again almost like she’s trying to throw up.  I’m really paranoid about her. 

This thought keeps coming in to my head of when ___ wished us dead and wished Riley dead too, then I’ll be damned if he didn’t suddenly start spewing blood a couple or three days later and almost died on us. 

Its not possible that ___ wished that on him, or rather like cast a voo doo spell on him, and now Annie, is it?  I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  I mean she did talk about voo doo a lot, even to John, talking about how rampant it is where she’s from.  And we did find her on a witch list right at the top of a search on her.  I know those voo doo people cast death spells and shit on people. 

Oh God, I don’t know. I just know that apparently we’re really paranoid about her again.  Wading through all that crap for the court we have to take them to is wigging people here out.  

*

Oh, they’re saying that the nurse is now pushing for us to hurry because she wants to try to talk that surgeon in to proceeding with the hysterectomy while we’ve been stabilized for several weeks weight-wise, while we “have a chance”.

*

Who’s telling me all this shit?  Somebody telling me in my head, filling me in.  I can’t tell who – probably because our head is burning so bad I can’t think. 

They’re saying this has happened several times lately.  Oh man, the head burning at this level is unbearable.  I want to cry myself.   I’m not giving up the front though to possibly some girl who’d have to take over.  I’ve done enough damage.  I’m going to sit here with my dog, and deal with the head-burning. 

*

I took a Lortab.  I don’t like those things, they make me feel a little strange.  But we’re out of Darvocet – filled the wrong RX accidently or something.   I ate a couple of cheese crackers first though.  I knew I had to do that or we’d be sick. 

I’m being told maybe I should’ve taken a Percocet.  We have almost half the script left from the last surgery.  I can’t do anything fucking right.

*

Oh yeah, and evidently we’ve gone in to another not being able to sleep, and having nightmares fill what sleep we do get thing since Hom left.  That sucks a lot because, when these episodes go on too long, our reasoning really starts getting affected. 

Evidently, last night, or this morning or whatever you’d call it, the “sleep” was filled with dreams of being chased down and killed.  Yeah, literally killed in the dreams – over and over.  And, last night (this hasn’t happened before that I’m aware of), there were several dream parts about our funeral.

*

I remember somebody looking that being killed/actually dying in dreams thing during the last spell of these dreams several months ago, and evidently it means that the person is trying to find a way OUT of a situation.  Makes sense.  Unfortunately, we would’ve been out of this situation long ago if it hadn’t been for me. 

I know its all my fault.  I know I’m the Achilles’ heel.  For the first several months, it was me and Drew.  But, since last fall some time late, its been me.  All me. 

I don’t know anything anymore.

Anyway what was I saying?  Oh man, I don’t know.  My head.  Oh God, my head is burning so bad.  I want to cry myself. 

Oh its all my fault.  That’s it.  My fault.

 This is about me being a stupid “boy” and immature and being unable to adjust and cope with my fucked up reality.   That’s what this is about – me being a stupid and immature boy. 

now look what I brought upon us – a literal fight with death – and its all my fault. 

*

I’m told that somebody here yesterday texted Hom scared and wigged out, and what they got later was a lecture by an insider none of us knows about why people leave us – evidently because we push them away by repeatedly expressing fears that they’re going to leave us, and needing “time”.

We’ve heard that before.  And Dr. B has helped us to understand that we do this because we have a severely damaged object permance thing.

That’s some developmental milestone that kids are supposed to reach at about 2-3, but can be severely damaged or not develop at all in some people who were being severely abused during that period.  So, the result is that the person with the damaged object permanence has difficulty processing and believing that people who leave will return.  With us, its not with all people.  Like, we don’t think that when John goes to work or the girls leave and shit.  But, when somebody comes and stays and then leaves to go far away to their home, evidently the object permanence thing kicks in and kicks our ass.

But, seriously, telling people here that now was not helpful.  I’m a little pissed about it.  Ok a lot.

*

People are wigging here about being alone and facing all this.  Once again, its my fault.  I had the opportunity for us not to be facing this alone.  Jess told me the night before they left that, if I said the word, she’d stay.  I should’ve.  I should’ve.  I didn’t because of pride.

They say pride goeth before a fall.  Are we fixing to fall?  Are we finally at the end of that rope we’ve been hanging on to by a thread for so long, and I’m going to push us over just like I’ve almost done again and again? 

*

My dog is heaving again behind me.  I’m going to have a stroke from fear. 

Oh, the Mom had another stroke and is in a nursing home now!  Why didn’t I know that!  What the hell is my problem!  I’ve got to get hold of myself.  I’m going to take us all down.  I’ve got to get hold of myself or Gypsy’s got to neutralize me.  That’s all there is to it. 

John, please hurry up and get home.  Oh please God don’t let anything happen to that dog.

*

Ok well I’ve finally just now finished writing, and editting this so its more readable, and its an hour later – almost 8:00 a.m.  Funny how I hardly come to the front anymore, or talk, or write, but I can still ramble on for fucking pages when I do write.

Oh yeah, the Lortab didnt help the head burning at all.

Drake

10-12-07 – Gypsy… ok so now it is past 1 fucking 30 a.m. and I am in hell

Well like I said in the last note just before we went to bed, today or yesterday or whatever you’d call this and now would be, was hell on so many levels.  I’ve been around the front long enough now tho, and so much shit, much of it just unbelievable shit, has happened to us, that I am totally convinced that thing about “things can always get worse” is a truism if there ever was one.   Here’s my little example

Ok so like I said, tried to go to bed hours ago, totally stressed out and worried about Hom cause they didnt answer one fucking text or call msg all day.  Laid there this whole time.  never even came close to anything called sleep. 

Various people tried everything.  those nice little imageries.  soothing nite music.  more soothing nite music.  Lisa even tried that thing she calls travelling, which I think sounds kinda hella cool and hella yeah not me at the same time.  She can like astrally project or something and kinda see flashes of people wherever doing whatever.  I’ve see her write about it somewhere or some shit.  Anyway, rarely somebody will look sharply in her direction like they see her or sense her.  Like I said – freaky.  but she’s one of those Most High whatevers and they’re all weird.  she’s nice tho.  she’s a keeper.

anyway so that didnt work either, and that usually calms us down somehow.  no really. 

*

So we’re hurting, we’re anxious about Hom, we’re upset over the grandmother, and over the dad cause he is going downhill fast, and overwhelmed and and and

And then it gets worse.  Itching. 

So now we’ve been itching for oh at least a couple of hours.  Its fucking maddening. 

*

oh btw, it just got even worse.  The computer did one of those lovely trojan things on us cause we’re infected, and started downloading shit.  When I finally had to just turn the fucker off to get it stopped, I think it had 60 something pages OPEN.  Of course, I lost everyting I’d written.  and had to reboot.  If it does it again before I get this note posted, I’m drop-kicking this fucker.

*

Back to the itching.  So it sets in a couple hours or more ago.  These agonizing itching spells started a while back, but they had only happened a few times so nobody had noticed any pattern or attributed it to anything.  Then, after the last surgery, we had like a bunch of the itching things, and I think us and Jess decided it was probly being caused by the super antibiotics or percocet or something. 

Well obviously that theory’s out the window.  So now I’m thinking this has to be some kind of bizarre nerve thing.  Some central nervous system deal.  Like the stinging/burning but itching instead.  Makes sense to me.  Bet you anything the neurologist would say its not possible.  Bet it is.  Bet anything this itching is some CNS thing.

*

Didnt want to get up and disturb the dogs cause sometimes they’re like little kids and if you wake them up you cant get them to calm back down for a while.  So laid there til I was like damn I’m gonna throw myself off a cliff if this itching dont at least calm down some.  Its just agonizing.  seriously.  Even our EYES itch.  for real

Finally gave in and was like fuck it, if I get the dogs worked up they can just calm down cause I’m getting up and trying the benadryl route.  altho i’m not sure it ever worked before.  We were still just post op after that last surgery, and we weren’t real with it for about a week or so, Jess says.

So I got up and took 2 of the fuckers.   I figure 1 is supposed to work 2’s even better.  Its over the counter, and we take the hard shit pain meds so 2 benadryls aint gonna hurt nothing.

So then I was like ok what can I do to maybe help calm us down.  And some brilliant person inside (I wasnt even paying attention to who) says try some hot chocolate.  Ok I’m down with that even tho we have a milk intolerance which has been getting worse to the point that we cant even have a little bit of ice cream anymore without taking two lactaids first.  Then we still might pay for it with hours of being sick as a dog and cramps.  But I was like well hell if the hot chocolate makes us sick, maybe it’ll at least take our mind of the chinese water torture itching. 

So I go in the kitchen to make some.  Of course, the dogs all get up sleepily one at a time and follow me in there.  It was kinda funny really cause I looked around and there they were in a row, most of them with cocked heads (kinda like Drake does. i miss him).  And the dogs were all like what the hell are you doing in the middle of the nite?!?!?!  Dogs can talk.  seriously  *g*

Making hot chocolate to soothe our tortured self or whatever so maybe we can get a little of our generally for over a year now disturbed sleep but

yeah you guessed it

no hot chocolate.

WHAT?!?!?  We always have fucking hot chocolate.  But no. 

Hell, I was fucking determined.  I turned that kitchen and pantry upside down.  Finally found it on like the third sweep right in front of my face, 

No marshmallows. 

What the hell!  If I’m gonna risk hours of being sick as a dog and cramping, I want fucking marshmallows in my damn hot chocolate! 

Ok whatever.  I decided I could deal.  On the counter was Jess’s chocolate creamora shit and I was like hey that might be good in there.  so I put some in.

Went thru all that and then only drank less than half the cup.  but oh well.

*

So now its 1:55.  Its been almost 45 minutes since I took the benadryl.  How long does benadryl take to work?  tell me more than 45 minutes please.  Even if its a lie.  Just tell me it takes more than 45 minutes to take effect and let me have a few minutes of delusional hope.

We have _ _ _ _ _ _ tomorrow for special _ _ _ _ _ _.  We are by God doing it no matter how we feel!  Us and the _ _ _ _ _ _ are all suffering and missing!  

Then us, the _ _ _ _ _ and the _ _ _ _ _ _ are gonna go see the dad Saturday after _ _ _ _ _ _ _’s  class.  so its gonna be like mid afternoon til we can collapse Saturday. 

Should be sleeping.  Or at least dozing off and on like we’ve been doing since the devil and her minions started in on us well over a year ago now.  but no.  I’m sitting here writing this and itching.  shoot me

the up side is the dogs are all back asleep

10-11-07 – Gypsy… gathering reams of evidence is so much fun – not

Damn we feel like shit.  Cramping that Sharon says feels like period cramps (which btw is triggery as hell since we’re oh 5 years past menopausal and have had 3 bleeds – 2 of them since her fit in May put our hysterectomy off again and again) and that damn head burning too worse and worse all damn day. 

finally took a lortab.  Did nothing.  Ok.  so took a 1 mg Xanax.  No effect.  So I’m like ok well what do we do now?   I’ll just gripe about  it a little and maybe that’ll fix it.  ha

*

Actually I decided to come and make a note to self as it were I guess you’d call it.  Anyway I put all that evidence gathering shit in the closet and closed the fucking door on it til Sunday at least. I decided today its time for a break and let us collect ourself.  The Collective collecting ourself… Cody would think that’s funny. 

*

Jess keeps telling us we’re making this much harder than it is, and I’m sure she’s probly right. She keeps saying just go thru it, pick out a few horrible things on each person who’s attacking us.  and I’m sure she’s right. 

I mean, look what we went thru and put together for the cops last year at the threat time, and what did they do?  took about a dozen things.   So 99% of the effort we went to getting shit together was pointless cause they just zoomed thru and picked those few things out.

*

See, that’s what we need.  Somebody who can think straight, see what’s important, and just zip thru it and pull it out. 

Unfortunately what we have is ourself.  And that’s just not a good situation for us right now cause we just have to be anal and have EVERYTHING in order and categorized and cross-referenced and just shoot me.  

Ok well the up side to this maddening fixation on detail which seems to affect anyone fronting in certain situations is probly a big part of why they were able to have a successful career in a very specialized, detail-oriented field. 

*

Anyway, every damn time we start working on that stuff we get the shit triggered outta us.  Let me tell you, it aint no fun to even gloss over a lot of that shit cause those are some disturbed bitches who’ve been all over us trying to take us down. 

Then the being triggered off sweeps thru the system and hits most everybody.  except of course my old system and those freaky OWs. 

So my old system, People of the Pit, and the OW freakos are having a fucking heyday laughing at the rest of us.  Especially at us “defectors from the way” (we who went with Drake and became the Renegades).   I’m so tired of being called a pussy dark and a little light girl now and blah blah blah that I could puke.  I’m about to kick some asses just to let off some steam.

They could attack now, and might even win, but they’re content to sit back and laugh cause I know what they’re thinking.  They think we’re self-destructing, especially without Drake being around AND sane, something that aint happened much at the same time for feels like forfuckingever now.  And they think we aint gonna be able to pull out of this. 

They’re using one of the main strategies our expert here would use – let the offense take itself down cause sometimes the best defense is no defense, sometimes the best weapon is silence.  Only their idea of  “silence” in this instance is to laugh at us mercilessly.

*

So here we are without Drake (well, essentially – cause him making it to the front a couple of times in these last weeks to talk to Jess or _______________ a little, and before that being gone for about 5 weeks or more, doesnt count). 

I think at this point, he aint coming back.  He keeps saying he’s done enough damage, and he’s afraid he’ll make things worse.   I think the only chance we mighta had that he’d come back would’ve been if Jess had stayed.

Actually, I think he’s wrong tho.  I believe D could fix things.  well as good as this mess is gonna be able to be fixed. if he’d just get lucid and be able to accept things. 

If he’d just get it thru his head and get mad instead of drowning in grief and mia culpa-ing himself to death (I dont care if thats a word btw) over what’s happened to us and we’re now fighting death.

*

Anyway, I’m irritating myself by being unable to stay on topic.  but whatever.  My point is that I believe Drake can do about anything he puts his mind to – when he can think straight.  I’ve never seen him like this, and I’ve never seen him just buffaloed, beaten.  I don’t know what to do with him or for him.   But I know he could do something about this situation if he could pull himself together.

Seriously.  i’m not just saying that cause I hero worship him or whatever.  He really can.  Drake’s a force to be reckoned with.  Or he used to be before them.

Dammit I thot it was Friday and smackdown was fixing to be on.  I hate time perception.

Ok that was random.  back to what I was talking about. 

Oh hell, mother-in-law called and I forgot what I was talking about.  oh well.  I’ve really worn myself out now anyway.

G

10-11-07 – Sharon… messed up thoughts

Its almost 1:30, and John still hasn’t gone to bed.  He ran to the store for me real quick, then he’s been working on that scooter ramp ever since.  Medicare says a ramp has to be in place when the scooter gets delivered, and that could be today or tomorrow. 

He’s working so hard on it, and it looks good.  I had told him to please please not put something up there that’d look like crap, and to finish it.  He’s so good with building and fixing things, but he has finishing problems. 

He’s so exhausted.  He looks bad.  Or maybe I’ve just become more focused on him since he cried on me about a week ago.  I know he has to do so much; and, now because of that damn heartless DHS nurse, he feels like he’s got to get in there and try to cook even though he doesn’t know how and he’s so exhausted he can hardly function

but, I haven’t been able to keep the  ________ since, I think, before the first surgery.  It sucks so much, and I cry for them a lot, missing them, and them missing me, us; but, these last months, or whatever, are mostly a blur to me.  Time just runs together, and everything feels so long ago, or like a day or two ago.  Time’s all out of whack, and that’s so disconcerting.

I know that running the ________ to and from stuff was wearing John out, but now he’s doing even more around the house because I’m just about worthless since the last surgery.  The wound healed shockingly (evidently) well, but our strength level is in the toilet.  And what strength we do have, we’re getting up and down and working on getting that stuff together for the Social Worker. 

I’ve begged and pleaded and watched this fiasco as long as I intend to.  ___was repeatedly warned ___________________________________.  I’m not protecting her from her own psychoses anymore. 

*

Our weight is a shocking 95 today.  That’s up two in one day.  I’m like um that’s different.  We’ve gone down two or even three or more in a day many times, but I don’t think we’ve ever gone up two in a day. 

I’m a little nervous actually because there’s a deep throbbing um down there today which I remember very well feels like period cramps.  Only we’re five years post-menopausal, so I’m like why am I having the cramps?  And could water retention be at least part of the two pound jump in one day?

I know one or two pounds may not sound like much; but, when you get down as low as we have been for some time now, every pound is gigantic.  So,  I don’t know.  Just another thing for me to worry about as if I wasn’t already paranoid as hell about having that whatever is going on thing in that area going on again, especially since this third bleed, two of them since we hurt the abdomen in ___’s fit, and the surgery’s had to be put off twice until the abdomen healed.

I just want it out.  Oh God, please do not let it be full-blown cancer! 

We have no cervix anymore though, so it can’t be a repeat of carcinoma in situ, I don’t think.  We know its pervasive dysplasia.  The specialists think there’s a repeat cancer hiding somewhere in the massive amounts of scar tissue from all the procedures, and I would imagine some is most likely from childhood too.  I mean, we had cancer at age 21.  Cervical cancer takes 8-10 years to develop.  sigh  I hate thinking about that.  I don’t want to think about it.

*

I had messed up, confused dreams of Mother and death, and trying to help someone in trouble, and of being in desperate trouble myself and needing help only to have people stand to the side and say they were helping just by standing there and watching me go down.   I imagine the dreams were as a result of being told Mom was put in a nursing home yesterday.  And, I failed her, just like I failed Mother.  I didn’t get the _______ and ________ back down to see her in time. 

It doesn’t matter that I was either pre-surgical with the gut thing and suffering from that, or post-surgical and having no strength, not to mention that its almost impossible to get both _______ together to do anything.  It doesn’t matter because I’ve had a pressing feeling for a little while now about Mom and my dad both. 

So, as usual, I suck and I’m not good enough for anybody no matter what I do or how hard I try.  Why have I had to do this for over 50 years?  Tell me.  There have to be more capable insiders than me to have lasted this long. 

I’m the only one, you know.  The only from the original splits at age three, the only lifelong fronter.  Well, if you’d call what I’ve done the last two or three years fronting.  I’m still here and trying. 

It feels like that should mean something.  I mean, I’ve stood here for over 50 years and watched one person after another be fronters and eventually wear out or collapse or whatever.  Yeah, I’ve been fucked up sometimes.  And not very functional or aware at times.  But, by God, nobody else here has done what I’ve done.  And I don’t know of anybody in any other multiple system who has any insiders who have done literally 50+ years at the front.  So why do I feel so inept, so much like a failure?  I don’t know. I don’t know. 

I miss my______.  i need them.  I know they miss me.  oh God please please get us to the other side of this attack and latest medical crisis mess.  please

sharon

10-10-07 – Gypsy… Damn its been a shit day

we’re still so weak from that last surgery.  Man that took the life outta us.  What a month later I think? we still aint back up to the strength we was at even before the surgery.  and that level sucked ass.  Scares the shit outta us as to whats in store for us on the big one and explains why all them docs and home health and shit is so nervous about it.

But weak or not, we gotta do that shit for the medical authorities to stop the people that Drake started calling the mean girls club a long time ago.  and fuck damn shit.  K that’s probly enough said. 

Then the Mom got put in a nursing home.  Had another stroke.  And so Sharon had to have hysterics for hours cause even after everything she did for the mother that last year when she was dying even tho our body was already sick and disabled out and we had kids at home and was an hour away, and all she’s done for the mom, and tried to do for the dad, all she can focus on is that damn cake the mother wanted that sharon messed up cause we was so sick and its a hard cake to make. and it was the last day the mother ate a bite before the died, and she cried cause she didnt get her cake. 

and sharon also focusing on how the mom’s been begging to see the babies and us and the girls.  Only she wants everybody together.  Well hell.  talk about an impossibility.  and we’ve either been preop and in horrible pain or post op and trying just to get a little functional again ever since she started begging. 

Oh and sharon focusing on the dad going down fast, and nothing else can be done about his cancer, and he’s asked for the babies and girls.  and well for the same reasons, we aint been able to get them there neither.

So Sharons all she’s never good enough, nobody wants her, nobody stays with her.  shoot me. 

So then she affects every fucking person here, and everybody spends the day off-kilter and triggered off.  kill me now

And thru it all, Hom did their damnest.  Even called some text call thing late to say love you.  and then texted love you before bed.  that really lifted peoples spirits.  Even mine.  I can admit it.

And that man, God bless him, spent hours making that ramp for that scooter he moved heaven and earth to get us cause them Medicare people was trying to make us get an electric wheelchair.  But he pulled it off.  Had to build a ramp like today tho cause Medicare says there has to be one when the scooter’s delivered.

Then, he goes in and cooks again.  Cooked Jess’ chicken the other nite.  First thing we’d ever seen him cook besides his disgusting eggs and sometimes grilling.  Today he tried his hand at spaghetti and it was pretty damn good. 

We complimented him and thanked him so many times.  Sharon cried.  He said well he had watched us make it so many times he thot he could do it. 

So Sharon cries some more that he works 6-7 days a week  and he already has to take care of virtually everything, and the shopping, and us.  And we supposed to’ve had an aide months ago.  Still no aide. 

And that DHS nurse supervisor that comes once a month and says the same damn triggery ass shit every time  AGAIN said we just need to “rally your support system” and that John needs to be our cook. Sharon went off on her. She said I’ve “rallied” all I can.  and this man cant do no more.  He’s scored double on YOUR stress test for over-stressed.  And you keep adding MORE that he can do.   and he’s gonna collapse on me cause you cant get an aide in here.

She probly thinks we’re a crazy bitch.  Oh well. 

So sharon had to cry to that we’re gonna kill John trying to save us almost by himself.  she’s been especially upset since he cried on us last week over being so overhwelmed and exhausted and feeling like he’s dealing with trying to save our life alone.

 Ok I’m exhausted.

G

10-8-07 – Cody… One more before our last feeding of the day

We’re still not even back up to par of where we were before the last surgery, and that’s fucking alarming considering it was minor compared to the next one we’re facing.  Now we see why all the docs and shit are so nervous and concerned. 

Anyway several of us have taken turns the last 2 days working on the protection request “project”.  its slow hard going cause we’re so weak and so little stamina.  But Sharon has told John and the med people that she will NOT go for that hysterectomy until something gets taken care of regarding the attack situation.

There’s kinda a problem anyway.  _________ is about hysterical not wanting us to have the surgery cause she doesnt think we’re strong enough to survive it.  Sharon’s tried to explain that if we don’t already have recurrent cancer, we know we have massive recurrent precancer and, if we dont get it out now while we still maybe have a chance, we might not get another chance. 

Talked to the __________ about it again today.  She agrees that we might not get another chance.  and she agrees that this situation Sharon insists on has to be taken care of first cause our overal emotional state over this crap adds to the complications of us having a chance to survive the surgery.  Then, she says that, if we can maintain between 92 and 94, which we’ve mostly held for several weeks now, that’ll go a long way in convincing the gyn and oncology docs to go ahead and proceed cause we’re “plateaued”. I know i didnt spell that right.  whatever.  anyway evidently they all think we might not get another chance. 

*

Oh yeah, that home nurse is a blessing from God, i tell you true.  she got us a RX for a scooter.  And that man – what a blessing and a power he has been in our life this last year - has searched and found a place, and done all the work, and evidently by the end of the week, we’ll have a new scooter.  1st that’ll really raise spirits here cause we’ll be able to get out more with fam.  2nd it raises spirits cause we’ll have it for after the big surgery cause evidently we’re gonna need it.  well if we’re lucky.

actually it aint a luck situation we’re in.  its a God situation.  Thanks to the destroying devil throwing us in to end-stage with cachexia and then putting off our cancer surgery twice for two operations and almost a week in the hospital over our busted stomach from her refusal to stop attacking when begged and begged  and her  50+ call bitch fit on a personal trying not to damn die, we’re now in a physical situation of if we pull out of this one, its a God thing again.  another miracle for us.  Our best case scenario now is to get the surgery, and get to return home with home health and aides forever – and live hopefully a few, maybe even several, more years. 

we can only hope now to live long enough so that our _________ will have good strong memories of us.  God please, there has to be some justice for this.  there just has to be.

*

Anyway i’m beat, and its time for our last feeding before I hit the bed.  They who’ve fronted always or at least for years say that us literally eating ourself to death while starving slowly to death was never even thot of as a possibility.  Yet we eat and eat and eat and, like the dad, who also has the disease, we have to do all this eating with NO sense of hunger.  at least our sense of taste returned, thank God.  It was really hell to do all this eating before the sense of taste returned and evened out.

anyway I’m out

Cody

10-7-07 – Sharon… John cooked for us

John cooked for us today.  Without saying a word, he decided to try to make that baked chicken with alfredo sauce of Jess’s.  He came in all shy and announced he had made something.  He had green beans and corn with it.

I was so touched, I almost cried.  How thoughtful that was of him.  I mean, seriously, John cannot cook.  The only thing I’ve ever seen him cooking besides grilling, which he never does anymore, is eggs.  And I don’t think anybody here can eat his eggs. 

I was just so touched.  And it was good too.   It would’ve been wonderful though even if it had tasted awful just because of the care that went in to making it. 

It really lifted spirits here, I think.  I know it did mine.

Sharon

10-1-07 – Cody… Talk about astounding analogies in the weirdest places – Finding humor where I can

Watching this movie, Post Impact.  Its one of those post-apocalyptic things some here get in to.  There’s this real nut case in it who has control over the only thing to be in existence which MIGHT save the world.  Of course its a weapon of mass destruction.  And, being crazy and all, he intends to use it to finish off destroying the world.

So he’s got the Americans on video cam in a building, who’ve come to take the weapon away from him, and use it for good to save the world.  And he’s spouting off crazy shit.  Kinda like ___ does. 

People are standing there listening to the nut case spouting crazy shit, and going “oh man” to what he’s saying.  Buying it, again like some people around ___ do.

Then one of the Americans says “dont listen to him!  He’s crazy.”

The guy laughs and shoots back “now that’s a cheap shot, and I really resent it.  I really do. Crazy?!?!?  Well, even if I was, it wouldn’t automatically make me deaf.  So be polite!!!!”

So then a few minutes later, the good guys are all trying to figure out the code to bypass the crazy dude’s ability to use that weapon to finish off the world and he says…

oh get this.  I’m like the person who wrote this knows ___, don’t they?    anyway…

Nut case:  I have a city to destroy.  You can stay and watch if you want.

Good guy:  whats in it for you?

Nut case:  Well, you know, that’s a very interesting question… but its hard to answer.  Its a lot of things, you know.  Its betrayal, justice, revenge – which is VERY sweet.

Nut case, sighing:   I’m gonna be honest with you.  Let’s just stay with the insane theory and keep it simple.  That’s my motto.

*

Now that’s funny.

Cody