6-28-09… lisa – tragedy so profound it is the only thing to ever compare in depth to the death of our son

in this end-stage of our life, on intensive home palliative care in a few’s attempts to allow us to die at home as we so desperately wish, we are faced with a tragedy so profound that it compares only to the loss of our son shortly afer b irth.  we have never compared anything to that depth, not even the loss of our infant grandson 1 1/2 days before his adoption was final.

now it remains to be seen i suppose just how tough are we?  is there still enough left in us to pull it together to get through, and deal with this forever for the rest of our life?  i dont know yet. i don’t know. our overall will to live has already been waning for some time over things such as just flat-out exhaustion of fighting devastating debilitating illness to live longer and the constant constant overwhelming pain even on a fentanyl pain patch.

 if anybody reads this and is a praying person please pray - not for us but for the few who still love and want/need us no matter our physical and deterioriating overall condition that we can survive and deal with this for whats left of our life for them

4-28-06 – LJ – Lisa… The power of the written word

The word is such a mighty power that many quotes have been made regarding it, one of which goes something like “the word is a two-edged sword”.  I believe that to be true at times because painful or angering words hit, not only the person who is hurt or angered, but the person who said them.  And, if these involved parties are unfortunate enough to be multiple, the pain can have a domino effect in systems which can be disasterous.

 

What I have seen to have even more potential for injury for all parties concerned, however, is the “two-edged sword” effect which can result from the written word.  I believe the written word has much more power than the spoken because time, and memory (particularly for persons like ourselves), separates the spoken word from at least some of the pain and/or anger  of having heard it; but, nothing separates the pain or anger of the hurtful written word because it can be gone over again and again and again, rendering it impossible to move on beyond it.  

*

I have witnessed the written word, in many forums and by many persons, to be both a wonderful thing, and a devastating thing.  I have seen the written word build up, encourage, amuse… and I have seen it enrage, tear down, devastate…  

*

I have watched as people of many places and in many situations have attempted to explain what they really meant, or attempt to explain that they were angry or frustrated or unstable or immature… at the time they wrote the hurtful things.  

*

I have watched people reduce themselves to begging, to hysterics, to desperation.  And, I have all too many unfortunate times watched attempts to clarify, as well as attempts to “fix”, to apologize, to move on beyond the piercing of the two-edged sword, be rebuffed because the level of pain and/or anger of the other party is so intense.  I have seen persons of this place do these things, and I have seen persons of other places do it.  

*

I have not only watched these things, and many more, transpire as a result of the power of the written word, but I have felt its piercing to my own heart.  I was one of the unfortunate persons who did not recover from the pain, who could not get beyond it, because all of my attempts to heal with the other loved ones failed. 

 

As a result, I lost everything – everything but the one thing of this place.  And, to this day, I remain so damaged that I cannot allow anyone close, I literally fear love outside the boundaries of the grandchildren and daughters.  

  

I tell this only to show that I do understand, that I have felt the piercing of the two-edged sword which the written word can be, and I know first-hand what it can do to a person.  I have felt, I still feel to this day, the tragedy of emotional isolation, and I would not wish it upon anyone else ever. 

 

As I have seen many multiples state over the years, once a person like us has been “seen”, we are forever changed for, with being seen, comes humanization in this realm of  real life which is intoxicating, infective.  For, on being seen, we also discover what it feels like to be cared about as an individual, perhaps even to be loved.  

*

And, if we become unacceptable to others - or  if we reach a point of being unable to accept the human frailties of others – or if we cannot accept the human frailties of ourselves….we can isolate ourselves, we can quit, we can avoid interaction, caring, loving.  We can hold on to the pain.  Or, we can hold on to the anger,  the bitterness, if those are the applicable elements.  

    

But, if we do this, we are forever lost in a way, unable to return to a before state – the time before we were “seen” – unable to truly “go home”, unable to find peace again inside, even if we once had it, unable to truly “live” 3D again because the pain of no longer being “seen” or loved as the individual we experienced is too great.   All this, and perhaps more, happens to us then because we experienced being “seen”.  This is a tragedy, no matter who it happens to.

 

On behalf of my place, I beg forgiveness for persons of this place who have brought pain through whatever ways.  And, and for persons here who deserve to be asked for forgiveness, my hope is that it happens.  I will note that there are times in this real life in which the hurt is too much, times in which a point comes when the decision must be “does this other person(s) mean enough to me to go on with, to move on with past this hurtful place, to rebuild anew”?

*

 Lisa, Watcher, Guardian