7-30-09 – Amy… more trying to figure things out – and begging – and Jeff Hardy vid on here too

Ok its cody.   i just read this.  and i got the vid she wanted on her to load.

 to some things she wrote here – umm… to others, wow amy shocked the shit outta me.  i’ve always considered her this really cute twittery air-headed kid even tho we’re the same age.   I had no clue she had even the capacity to get such insight into Drake and what makes him tick. 

i did noticed something tho.  her brain’s kinda scrambled or something cause she repeatedly refers to the song on the vid she posted in her entry last nite – that bon jovi one – cause there aint no music on this one.

  anyway so amy speaks and mountains move?  well maybe shake a little at least anyways.  we’ll see

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K so i gotta write about this thing some more. but 1st i’m gonna post one of my personal fave moments of Jeff Hardy – when he jumped a 30 feet drop swanton on the evil orton.

 it hapens about 4-5 1/2 minutes into the vid as you watch his struggle with himself as well as his determination to end the evilness attacking him and his as he climbs higher and higher with orton further and further below totally kocked out. and then.

and before he jumps, he does this defiant i will not be beaten attitude thing and screams so similar to I’ve seen Drake that it kinda wigs me out.

I know at those times i seen Drake do stuff like that or heard about it later it both terrifies me and makes me feel safe cause i know that dude with him fighting FOR me, aint nobody never gonna get me and keep me to hurt me.

*

 anyways so in this vid below, Jeff swanton jumped that death-defying leap and dude everybody thot they was both gonna bite it. its so real and so obvious and you can tell from the un-miked talk of the paramedics off-camera.

here once again, Jeff (again like Drake has done so many times) had done somethng out of incredible recklessness and determination

and then determined to finish it, make it right, do the right thing, he threw all caution to the wind, refused to quit, refused to be beaten, and risked his own life – willing to sacrifice himself to stop this person who was trying to destroy him and his. (yet another thing anybody who knows – and aint gonna lie about it – has seen or known of Drake doing)

minutes of pandemonium following this incrediible disasterous moment on the video as you can hear un-miked paramedics talking to each other. they attend to orton first cause i think thgey really was afraid he was gonna die right there in front of thousands (it had literally happened just a few years ago at another event to one of the Harts, and its happened several times over the years that the wrestlers get literally killed in the ring)

so trhey fast as they can to orton, who looks dead but you can hear the parametics saying he’s still breatyhing and telling each other to hurry.

 then the other smaller set of paramedics attending jeff are joined by some of those who’d been on orton and they get him finally extracted too from the destruction he’d caused when he landed and all the debris covering him and just everywhere by his reckless, extreme, foolhardy behavior that he was convinced he had no choice but to do (yeah yet another so-Drake behavior that i’m kinda getting wiggy just ttrying to write this and work thru it.

then as they wheel jeff out about 10 minutes 20 seconds into the vid, he raises his hand to let the people who loved him (which is like almost everybody who loves pro wrestling – he’s a huge hero) know he was still there fighting to live. evil did not beat him.

 (and yeah oh god but i swear that too was so Drake – always always worried more about his loved ones than himself – sening a message “i’m here, don’t give up on me, dont forget me”)

*

See? evil has never beaten Jeff Hardy. nor loss nor tragedy nor stupid mistakes. nothing. nothing has beat that man. many think he’s so driven and determined and “extreme” -

 they actuallyl call him “the extreme enigma (and umm doesn’t that also describe Drake too?) –

that Jeffs likely to join those who’ve died in the ring.

 and you know i think part of him wants to die fighting. i know Drake does. he’s said himself many times that he’s by god gonna go down fighting to his last breath.

 anyway here’s the vid

 

 

k i’m not done. its still pouring outta me like a broken water main shooting high in the sky and you cant turn off

 amyway so this is about our Drake and me still trying to get hold of all this and corelate it to what i been going thrui for months and why?

but how many times have i seen or been told of Drake fighting on no matter how hurt,how exhausted, how stacked the odds are against him – standing true to himself, standing on his beliefs, on his honor?

takingt sttupid outrageous risks, afraid of nothing, willing to risk it all for his goal or his loves? ,more times than I can count. and for those who really know Drake = and aint gonna lie – they’ve seen this all too

*

then there’s that song with the vid. omg for real soembody could tell me they channeled Drake when they wrote that song and i’d belief it. read this and tell me it aint him…

“this is for the ones who stood their ground… who never backed down. its my life.i aint gonna live forever. i just wanna live while i’m alive.” …”its my life” …Bon Jovi

*

 i think its the ‘its now or never’ part that’s drivinghim n ow like a locomotiive, like a bat outta hell, like somebody almost possessed – he desperately wants to convey some things before we die. he keeps saying and i belief him that he desperately wants his life to have counted for somethiong to somebody, he wants to have left this world having made a positive difference somewhere, anywhere.

 no that aint the Drake many knew in the first few years he was out. and it aint the Drake that was annihilated (AFTER he had changed oh so much for the good) by them that professed to love him. but its been the Drake people here – and people that won’t lie about it – has known for years. he truly needs to leave some positive legacy. i pray he gets to.

i’ve seen my dad Drake these last few years get heartbroken over and over. i’ve seen him so beaten and destroyed that nobody thot he stood a chance in hell of making a comeback. I’ve seen him stand on his honor no matter what every damn time – again, like Jeff Hardy, NEVER faltering on his belief, on his version of “honor”.

 I’ve seen Drake exhaulant,defiant, rebellious… I’ve seen him beaten and thot destroyed more than once. I’ve seen him determined.

 he gets this one special look when he’s determined. there’s a still of Jeff on that clip with him having exactly that look of Drake on him too – that determined as I said above you’ll have to kill me before I quit look. well and there’s more than one of other very Drake looks – exhaultant, defiant, bite me. them that also knew him 3D will see too whether they admit it or not

 *

so now i finally know. i guess evidently we all do here now. why i been having these hysterics over Jeff and all he’s been thru this last year. when i saw this vid and that 1st still of the painted tragic face – that Jess says oh yeah he gets exactly that look – and the others too – outside as well. when i saw that, i just feel apart and it all became clear – somehow i transposed Jeff and my dad, Drake. their lives have had many parallels

and that song – its my life by bon jovi omg that coulda totally been written about Drake. let me live my life. let me have a life – ANY life. let me be myself just sometimes, just a little.

*

 everybody who knows us knwos that i was afraid of him a d them other dark ones (here they’re called bads by well the goods and they call themseves “the way”) that came with him after the labyrithine block got accideentally broke by drew when he got obessed there was other people here somewhere and he could feel them or something. i cant remember.

 in the end, its kinda ironic that drake ended up more or less being our system historian, system explainer – only to get his writings studied to death by a betrayer to the point that oh god when it was decided to take us down, he had just handed our attackers every damn thing about us they needed and way way more ammo to kill a herd of elephants.

we’re still st anding tho. barely and for how long – or how long we’ll remember anything or anybody – i donno – but by god we’re still standing. TC’s a tough little bitch (k and bastard for the guys i guess).

but all the trauma around the online attack that only court could stop did shove us in to end-stage, and now organs are tryng to shut down again that’s shut down before on us and almost killed us. and we have a DNI we aint backing off of and our disease has entered our brain now too – oh the joy not – so who knows how long we have to live or how long we have to even remember anybody or anything? either way dayum. just dayum

 *

 but life Jeff Hardy has fought his entire life all odds just to live his life and achieve something, since the day Drake busted out into this RL, all he too has ever said is he wanted just, as he puts it, droplets of a life to get to live his way – just a piece.

he’s never been delusional. he’snever tried to take over the body – and there’s been times he coulda took just his own bads with him and took over.

actually ironically his system is why we’re still alive today. its almost all them for a long time now. but they’re the renegades – they all like him – none of them never considered dark enough. and i aint scared of most of them no more. a few i still kinda am and avoid cause well all them is um different.

all them. Drake included. gypsy, cody, cam, ,eve – they aint like us. they’re different for sure. but is different necessarily worse? aint being different also part of being HUMAN?

*

 i’m gonna go to his books of his writings and find his droplets of a life and reprint it. sometimes my dad Drake can be well sometimes he astounds me. this person i feared so much at first i’ve grown to adore and love and admire.

and it is NOT his fault we’re dying even tho you’ll never ever convince him of it!!!! He manned up and told john everything – every thing – exactly that entailed I donno cause they keep things from me so i can defend and its part of how i do it (by being in the dark about most inside stuff). but i know John told him he just acted like any 16 year old boy woulda and he wasnt an adult in the situation, and terminally ill to boot, so he don’t blame him for whatever. but still he does blame himself

and cause of that overwhelming self blame Drake has, for a while now, I’v e seen a desperation in him, a determination (he puts it as being on a mission), to be heard. he desperately is trying to be heard and make a difference somewheere to somebody anybody before he dies.

he says so he feels his life meant something and also i think its cause its the only way he can deal with the guilt he feels over his absolute conviction that he killed us by refusing to give up on lvoed ones until they flat pushed us over the cliff into the death-zone of our disease is to try to make up for it somehow by hopefully helping or encouraging somebody else.

*

 I’m so proud of Drake. this guy who busted out here years ago and immediately gravitated to other “bads/darks”, and raised all kinds of hell for a long time, and scared the shit outta me and was well ok he was a dick a lot for a quite a while.

 but he started changing years ago when he realized himself that this whole i can’t say the word but its that thing that happened when we was a kid that almost got me and him both sacrificed and his father, our only what many systems call dark lord but we only had one so he was the dark ruler. but that terrifying damien who came here when we was 3 from somehwere with a few others as adults and been here since and oh they’re bad, and drake somehow ended up being the prince of the pit even tho he aaint the oldest son.

 but anyway after he finally figured out mostly anyways what that s_____ time was about, he knew – least I’m convinced he knows, he’s some key obviously. he’s a key to something or his own father the dark ruler who invaded our system when our body was 3 wouldnt a been repeatedly trying to destroy him his entire life.

 see my dad Drake is used to been being tried to be destroyed and ostracized and punished and trapped. his whole life inside and out’s been like that. and its so sad cause what i started realizing after a few years as he slowly metamorphsed into what he became that, like our beloved Jess/Hom, Drake is a remarkable person. andi wish he’d a got his little part of a life.

now its too late. it’ll never happen cause we confined to bed probly 85-90% of the time sincve the lymphadenitis and one piggy back horrible infection after another this last winter/spring, and jess and somebody here counted the other day a nd we was given i think i remember straight – like 5-6 rounds of superantibiotics just to save/prolong our life!!!!!!!!

well like our ___________ the specialty nurse said and our home nurse too, even a round or two of them superantibitics can kill a healthy person from killing off the good bacteria in the colon if it cant be gotten to grow again.

 that poltergeist kidwas only about 12 and died from it and some movie star a year or two did too – from the good bacteria in the colon destroyed.

 they say its a horrific death but sharon told them again like a few weeks ago when colostomy bag was brought up again to prolong our life no. no we ainty putting out family thru that. if it comes to that, we die when God says we die and how. but to die cause your colon has poisoned you to death? ewwwww

anyways they’re desperately trying t o get n ew bacteria to grow. and its a uphill battle cause we already have a severely damaged colon which has actually been in total shut-down on us before.

spasstic colon (now called IBS) was our 1st dx like in our 20’s or right at 30 or something. then we had that before this situation near death in 97-98 when we ended up having 3-organ shutdown at that famous baylor hospital where our kids found one of only like 6 docs in the country who knew anything about our disease. anyway since then when our colon, kidneys and stomach shut down we we wasnt even supposed to survive that but wee did. b ut now 10 years later looks like we gonna die from our 1st dx – colon disease now making us toxic again. and that just pisses me off and its so ewww

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anyways so i totally strayed way off. i just gotta say i dont blame my dad Drake for our death we’re facing. nobody here does. john don’t. jess don’t. home nurse don’t. and i don’t. i do really REALLY hope we die quick and easy in the end and that we die before we forget our loved ones completely.

but I love my dad Drake for long time now and we was gonna die from this shit eventuially anyways. it just hurts my heart so bad to see him blame himself and when he breaks down and cries and gets hysterical and sobs sobs now since this the cure from all that winter/spring shit might be what kills us, he cries like i aint never heard nobody nbut sharon sob that hard after she started crying her 1st tears, screaming to god begging forgiveness of Him and our forgiveness and family forgiveness for “killing us” and begging god to just kill him cause he did it – he’s the one that brought us to this – he’s the one that wouldnt give up and quit against all odds – he’s the one deserves to die. that’s what he cries and begs god for. kill him, save us… so totally the Drake he became years ago.

 oh my daddy, Drake, you aint killed us. You did accomplish somf of what you wanted and needed to bad even tho i don’t think you’ll ever understand or get it –

you gave us all here, all us teens throwed to the front after the 97-98 near-death in those few years after one at a time –

YOU Drake YOU gave us a chance to each taste a little bit of life – RL – REAL LIFE. maybe in the sharing of it, you shared so much you dont realize that you cost yourself your share mostly. but you didnt kill us daddy. please stop believing you did. we still alive cause of you.

the kids and babies and john and jess/hom and pets still got us cause of you

 *

Drake’sdonly 16 and never fronted. even came kknowing we was termionally ill from day one and that we wasnt gonna live forever. He like that song just wanted to live while he was alive.

being 16 and having that burden – and the burden of a whole system – and the burden of spouse, kids, grands, just everybody around you being on your shoulders…

i dont care what nobody else says, i say you did good Drake. you got nothing to be ashamed of. you’ve made so many who’ve seen you evolve proud – especially since you took on what you call your mission to try to leave a positive legacy to somebody to make their life count and not waste it and also not to allow themself to be terrorized by online attackers cause there are ways to fight back thru the system.

you’ve made us proud here. for what its worth.

and oh god but the babies adore you “mister”. and the dogs adore you. and i know jess and john is proud of you. and I know Jess adores you. and i think john’s actually come to love you in a guy/guy kinda way. you really dont know what you mean to some people do you? you been too damaged.

 the truth is tho Drake your the strongest person i ever knew. and i admire you.

and now i can look back and especially watching this vid which jess has watched over and over too, and we both see you, even your stances and expressions in Jeff, i can watch this and say oh wow Drake, you was a force to be reckoned with. and i’m finally ready to say i’m proud to be your daughter.

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 I got a request of people that knowed Drake maybe from the 1st when he was well he scared me to death and later. but i got a request.

 he’s asked repeatedly for forgiveness. please.

i know like nobody never listens to me. never. but i’m asking somebody/ies please come forward and just write him a note or comment and forgive him before we die or totally lose our memory.

i aint never seen nobody try so hard to turn around – and he has turned arouand. he aint that person he was the 1st few years. hasnt been for a long time. and he aint that person them online attackers annihilated and left destroyed. he’s good and kind and he still got his funny moments

 and omg but nobody nobody on this planet got a better laugh that Drake. Cody comes close i think. but everybody who’s ever known him 3D says that. cause DRake’s laugh comes from the soul. and when his tortured soul manages to really laugh, its infectious and it oh the words has left me. i guess that means my brains done all it can.

 i just beg again real quick expecting to be ignored like always. b ut i aint begging for me. for him.

he’s asked publically so many times to be forgiven. please forgive him before he dies or we forget everything and everyone. please.

please dont make him die feeling unforgiven.

its been years since the last even close to “bad” thing anybody could say Drake’s done. and people CAN change. so please please dont make him go out  unforgiven.

those that set out to by their own words to see our death, you won. we’re dying. can you take your win and find it somewhere in your heart to oh whatever. people’;ll do what they want. i never make a difference. i’m just the defender who can hold the front in disasters.

I am encouraged tho and so thrilled to see that one of his kids has done what he believes (and I do to) and managed to contact him just to tell him she still l.oves and remembers him and remembered his lessons to her to teach her to look to the stars to feel close to him.

oh baby, Aunt Amy loves you too. thank you thank you

God please don’t let never mind. i forgot. my brains stopping working. i’m gonna end with this quote at the end of that vid on this entry…

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 ”Those who dream by nite inthe dusty recesses of their minds wake to find it was all in vanity. But the dreamers of the day are the dangerous men for they may act their dream with eyes open to make it possible.”  …T.E. Lawrence

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 that’s my closing. i’m done and i hope i can re-read this and stop obsessing and figure it out and be done with it but i’m putting the quote above thats on the end of that video is also is soooooooooooo Drake that its gotta go here…

 dont give up daddy. dont leave me alone with these that i was afraid of to die without you cause i’m scared. dyings hard. k i’m done

just me amy

6-21-09 – Cody… Rosie the puppy hates toya (youtube video Jess & I made tonite)

This is a vid Jess and I just took of Jess/Hom (and ours) new boxer puppy -  Rose Lu Ann – a little while ago cause its hilarious how she reacts every time this  video comes on.  The black dog’s head coming in and out of the vid is our labradoodle, Grace, checking on “her” baby.

6-13-09 – Drake & a little Cody… we cant even die like a “normal” person – oh yeah and a quote’s on here

its 7 a.m. another sleepless night.  started off being because littles here got triggered off about “getting got” in the night so we had to stay up until the “safe” time.  also something else happened upsetting. and we were so fucking sick for hours

oh yeah and then so riley our 18 year old maltese shits blood at like 5 a.m and that was when we just gave up and turned the damn coffee pot on after the almost hour it took us to clean him up and comfort him and calm ourself the fuck down

 i think we had a couple of short sleep things in the night and thats it.  part of it is also the overwhelming pain sometimes accompanied by nausea that can be so severe your just certain your fixing to die for sure. 

we’re eliminating a fraction of what we should  be and even though this latest med is making the stools soft enough to pass without making us bleed, there’s so little of it.

and also we dont sweat.  we found out that’s one of the symptoms of toxicity.  we havent sweated for years as a result of our CNS/neuro disease but except for  the period when we almost died from toxicity at Baylor, its never gotten anywhere near this bad.

dude we don’t even always have tears when we cry anymnore – another natural way the body eliminates toxins. 

yesteerday we were so sick we only managed to eat once, and that wasnt a lot.  and that was on pain patch change day. but our dose has been cut by third trying to reduce the toxicity because evidently fentanyl builds up in your system if you don’t eliminate it. 

 so we’re back to the reduced dose  patch – meaning pain level back in BAD control – and its only working two days instead of the three its supposed to, and it doesnt generally start working until some time in the early afternoon after placing it mid morning, and don’t feel good patch day ever. 

the second day (which would be today) is generally the best day pain and nausea-wise and when we can get the most calories and shit down us.  and also our best strength day – but we’re so fucking weak now that “best” is well its pathetic that’s what it is.  our own father put it right on the nose when he was asking questions one day recently and he suddenly said all kinda shocked and like devastated and shit “your a prisoner”.  yeah.  yeah we are

and our brain doesnt work good enough anymore to do the imagery and other techniques to help with our own pain control like we were able to do for the first two damn decades of this crap.  hell there’s so many other mults with chronic illnesses that  people here like sharon and lisa taught those techniques to.  you can do so much to control your own pain IF you can fucking think well enough to concentrate!!!  shoot me

oh God help us

then by the evening of the second day, the patch starts to stop working. by early morning patch day we’re sick.  by mid morning if Jess hasn’t woken up we hagve to get her up because we’re starting to have withdrawals and we aren’t strong enough anymore to make the damn patches adhere to our skin so we have to get her out of bed even when she doesnt have to work just to put our damn patch on. 

last night there was hours of oh god the worst i cant even describe it.  we could just keep telling J “I feel funny” “something’s wrong” “I don’t feel right”.  on top of the unbearable pain and off and on nausea.  we are so fixing to get our ass thrown in the hospital.  i just know it.  did i say we only were able to eat once yesterday. dude that juyst wont do

then i don’t know what happened but one of our very disturbed littles got mega triggered off last evening evidently for a long time and nbody at Hom could bump her. I finally managed to bump her from here. 

 actually it was more than one of our littles.  one started it, and hell i’m confused now but either one or two of that group who all look alike got in to it.  it was hell

man that’s twice this week.  that i know of.  twice that we’ve had littles come out wigged out and completely out of  control. 

dude that just doesnt happen to us.  that is such a rare occurrence since we became adult in the body and almost all us here standing have never even dealt with this hardly  at all RL (real life) and we’re like what the fuck

Now its morning.  another day.  I do not hve a good feeling about how this is all progressing.  and oh dude every time one of those have you had a family member die from fetanyl patch things comes on tv we just wig the fuck out. gawd

*

anyway that was all like totally completely random.  i actually came here to put a quote that struck me. 

Patrick Swayze, an actor that some here have always been a huge fan of, has terminal cancer and E’s done some bio on him or something and this commercial blurb comes on and this man looks like death walking and he says

“I’ve got a lot of things I wanna do.  I wanna see how far I can go”

and I thought wow you know that’s us too!  its not just us and the dad and Bill – all of us who’ve totally blown the predictions on us out of the water.  You get to thinking your the only one.  and then to make it worse, like the dad said after the fire when nobody showed up to help something like “sister when you’ve been sick too long people forget you”

but anyway patrick swayze saying that struck me because its what we keep saying too essentially.  only now for months, ever since that damn lymphadenitis and all the complications and the round after round of super antibiotics killed all the good bacteria or some shit and now we survived the illness and the fucking ”cure” made us toxic and might get us.  

please sGod just let me stay on topic like two sentences.  seriously

Its that we’re scared here dude.  there’s so much we wanna do and we have come to the realizatione that there’s no wayw in hell its gonna happen.  none of us can barely type anymore.  ___’s heirloom gift handmade by us special needlpoint is the only one finished.  the others are almost finished but we cant control our hands well enough to even type right anymore!   we’re not gonna make it to Disney world with our ______ and ________ that was our wish before we die.  its too late

and memorioes.  we HAVE to make memories.  as many and fast as we can.  good ones.  oh god in heaven i’m begging you please please let our lvoed ones remember us and remember jmore good  than bad. and sick like this for so long is bad.  we try so hard to hide it around everybody RL but John and Jess/hom but they’re not stupid. 

oh we should’ve died during all those surgeries over that open gut wound from the fall and radical and shit when NOBODY expected us to live we were told later by more than one med person.  we were told the other day our lowest recordd weight was 86. and we lost more than that

 we’re too debilitated and sick now and nobody here wants our loved ones to remember us like this.  so we obsess with chances and every opportunity to make a memory with any of them. 

if we’re gonna keep getting “miracles” and surviving complicatiosnm that kill most people withj our disease how about making some of these incidinces be like actual miracles and cut us a break for a while? sorry god

but we have things to do.  things to do!  and NO strength!  we’re fading.  i think we’re done.  oh god ii’m so tired. just tired. so tired

hwhat was i wrting about?  oh yeah that quote.  gawd

is there anybody else out there seeing this going through end-stage?  if you are do you want somebody to talk to? dude I do

 

ok yeah that was Drake.  this is Cody.  i’m gonna go try to get some nourishment in us before the next we surely gonna die from nausea or colon spasms shit hits

6-6-09 – cody… the vid with that line “they shoot horses dont they” – absolutely NO kids or fragile people its graphic (addendums by Drake & Kelli)

I noticed on that little stat thing wp has that somebody had searched trying to find the song they shoot horses dont they.  its not a song.  it was a movie. a  tragic movie  whifch some here relate to in this end of our life.  i found the final scene in which that line is said.  the line is at the end of the scene

this is very graphic.  do not let any kids or i cant think of the word i dont wanna use weak thats not the  right word.gb ut  =dont let them view this

 

NOTE;  this is drake next day.  i think i ned to explain this saying because it dawwned on me that it might not be widely understood.  the ground is full of holes.  in the plains for  instance there are gopher holes and snake hooles and priarie dog holes.  when a horse is running, if it steps in one of these holes, it breaks its leg.  now i think tehy can sometimes fix horses broken legs, but it wasnt used to be that way.  the horse hade to be shot to be put out of its misery because there was no hope.  hence the man’s explanation “they shoot horses don’t they” (to cops question of why did this man help a woman who had had so many hard things and tragedies that she had lost all hope of there being any chance of any way to salvage any kindof life for herself so shebegged him and he helped her commit suicide  - added by kelli)

more note on 6-9 or something: its kelli.  i’m taking this video off.  i thinkits too violent.  its on youtube under they shoot horses dont they final scene if anybody wants to see it that bad

3-24-09 – Cody… a movie that’s striking a cord in us about life and whether we’ve made a difference and will anybody really care when we’re gone and shit

watchng this pretty strange movie called “Mitch Albom’s The Five People You Meet” wth Jon Voight in it.  its about a man who dies in a carnival accident trying to save a little girl’s life.  and, when he gets to heaven, he finds out he has to meet 5 people who he had a huge impact on their life or they on his.  

This guy feels like his life was a failure, that he never accomplished anything of significance, that nothing he did mattered, that he had no impact on anybody else’s life.  In other words, he feels he lived a pointless useless life – and now he’s dead and all his chances are gone.  I’m guessing that’s why he has to meet up with 5 people from his life – so he can have an epiphany that his life did have meaning. 

anyway so the movie’s only on the 2nd meeting, and I’m thinking yeah i’m not so sure we should be watching this movie.  But its ended up being one of them every bodies’ out kinda things cause its like morbidly fascinating altho nobody really knows why I dont think.  Somebody here even said to Jess “I wonder if this is gonna give either of us nightmares tonite”. I’m beginning to think tho that this movie might hold a really big msg for us or something. 

* 

anyway so in the first meeting in heaven right after he dies, the man meets up with a guy who saved his life when he was a little boy – and he didn’t even realize it.   that man sacrificed his life to save a little boy he didn’t even know (the newly-dead man).

 and he grew up and was living his life.  But he was unhappy – always feeling not good enough, always feeling like a failure, never feeling like he mattered or that anything he did had any significance.

Then he got sent to war.  which brings him to the 2nd meeting. 

* 

 he’s meeting up with the guy (now dead of course) who was his superior officer in the war.  

In this instance, the officer made a huge sacrifice for him – to give him a chance to get home and have a life after the war.  Only the man instead went home and became bitter and couldn’t get over what had happened to him in the war.  and cause of that bitterness, he lost his wife and everything – and he spent his life feeling not good enough, like nothing he did mattered, like he meant nothing to anybody.  

and he’s all upset to find out that his officer sacrificed his life so that he could live what he believed had been a pointless/useless life, and the officer says:  you don’t get it.  sacrifice aint something to be ashamed of.  Its something to be proud of.  When people stop sacrificing for one another, they lose what makes them human.  Its the noblest thing we do

the newly-dead man says;  you lost everything (to save me)

and the dead officer says:  well thats the thing about sacrifice.  sometimes when you think your losing something, your really just passing it on to somebody

the officer says he had waited all this time for the man to come to heaven too cause he had to ask for forgiveness for what he had to do in order to save the man’s life all those years ago.  the man asks him why he chose to wait there – in the midst of the war zone if he was in heaven.  and the officer says he wanted to see what life was like before everybody started killing each other in the war

and the  newly-dead man looks around him at the war-torn countryside and says:  but this is war

officer says:   our eyes aint the same soldier.  This is what I see 

and he spreads his arms around – and suddenly the war-torn countryside is a beautiful paradise. 

He thanks the newly-dead man for forgiving him for doing what he had to do in order to save his life, and says that’s what he needed - and walks off in to the paradise. 

*

Like I said, this is just the 2nd person of 5 this guy’s gotta meet in heaven – all people who either he impacted their life in some gigantic way or they his.  In both meetings so far, he’s begged of the people he’s met to just tell him if he was able to save the little girl he himself died trying to save – and they’ve both told him they can’t tell him.  I’m assuming we’ll find out at the end. 

* 

Oh yeah – and all thru this movie, it keeps going back to the present – to life on earth – to the people left behind.  little vignettes of how people are grieving for him and mmissing him -  people he didn’t even know care.  and how much went on surrounding how he died trying to save that little girl and all. 

*

I dont know what else to say right now.  i dont really knwo why i stopped this movie to write this.  I just know that its seems significant.  Maybe it seems so significant cause here we are at the end-time of our own life – and you find yourself examining and picking things apart…

did I do this wrong?

did I do that wrong?

could we’ve done this or that better or different?

Should we have made a different decision in this situation or that one?

Has my life, our life, meant anything to anybody?  have we made a difference anywhere… to anyone…

 

just thinking, you know?

Cody mostly

3-18-09 – Cody… Something profound Drake said a long time ago

Note:  Sometimes Drake can be so fucking profound.   I just ran across something he said       1  1/2 years ago that i think speaks to everybody left here now…

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“How do you grieve life?  I mean I know people can be angry at life.  But, how do you explain grieving it?  …I’m so tired of grief and illness and loss.  Tired of it, yet obviously not done with it.”  …Drake Aaron Phoenix, 11-07

3-18-09 – Cody… “lose yourself” video for Amy who loves Eminem

  

*

I know your overwhelmed and have such a hella load on your shoulders for a long time  now.  Hang tough baby girl.

be encouraged.

…and i’m done.

Cody

3-17-09 – Cody… my anthem or something – actually I think its Drake’s too

3-17-09 – Cody… for Gypsy – its her anthem or something

3-17-09 – Cody… nobody’s funnier than Katt Williams – and that aint no lie… the famous “haters” clip – oops yeah ADULTS ONLY too

 

decided to dig this up since the old entry on this site with this clip in it happens to be protected (oops) yet for some stupid reason, its the most-hit entry here – which is a prime example that chics just don’t make no sense at least half the damn time. 

anyway you wanted it, you got it… “haters” by Katt Williams

Cody