8-2-09 – Eve… started to update. ended up grumbling and rambling. will update later

I’m laying here in our prison.i mean bed.  thinking

of the oh about a million thots going thru my brain is one that i’d really like to kill drake for making me start fronting back when thehell ever that was.  desperation move, yeahok i get it.  but its not like i’m a good fronter.  don’t eat. hardly talk.  fam recognizes me immediately as somebody they dont know. and theyd ont like that.  why can they spot me now?  cause i’ve lost my abiility to pose. 

take the abilityto pose from a poser and whats left? fucking life sucks ass

i hear jess in the other room bathing her boxer puppy rosie for her 1st make me a good doggie so nobody kills me class here in a while. a nd the pup is screaming her head off like she’ being killed.  its kinda funny.  she loves to swim in the pool but throws a fit like she’s dying over baths.  little freak

actuallyl we found out 1st thru lucy, the 1st boxer we bought hom cause they was crying and begging for their own dog and drake’ll do anything jess wants that boxers  are actually hella cool dogs.  wellwhen your not wanting to kil them for things like walking by your prison, i mean bed, and nonchanlantly swiping your water or ashtray off into to floor and saunteringoff like their fucking grinning. 

or when they slap you.  talk about wanting to kill a dog.  let me tell you evena boxer puppy can knock the shit outta you.  they’re actually called boxers cause they literally get up on their hind legs and 1-2-3 punch the shit outta you.  they’re playing.  it aint funny. 

i’ll never forget the 1st time Lucy slapped Grace (our gigantic labradoodle whos stilla fucking pup for several monts yet.  and then they fill out for another year.  and she already weighs 75-80 pounds.

she’s a monster.  and we like that.  why we got her.  and Annie.  and why we could afford them cause we got them both on sale for being “defective”.  labradoodles are designer dogs and cost a shitload of  money but people here wanted a black dog (think we pick out black dogs cause the dad bought them the only dog they had as a kid, a black cocker – so its black and cockers)  anyway so them here with both labradoodles searched and searched wanting a “faulty” one – huge, black (the least desirable labradoodle color) and female. 

anyway so luce was several months old when we was watching them play one day from our prison, i mean bed.  suddenly she raises on her back legs and 1-2-3 punched the shit outta Grace. 

oh god it was funny shit.  grace looked at her a minute like i cannot believe you just hit me.  thenn this look came over her of what can i do to this little shit without getting in trouble.  next second she takes a giant paw and slaps that pup down. and held her down for a good 5 minutes, baring her teeth at her. 

after that every once in a while, lucy would hit grace.  and every time, even after lu started getting gigantic she’d let her “mommy” throw her down and hold her down with a paw as “punishment” with thislook on her face like ___ gets of “so punish me. i dont care.  it was worth it”. 

Rosie’s 10 weeks old now and like i said starting her puppy classes today.  we’ve seen her raise up a couple of times like she’s gonna box Grace but Gracie’s already been there done that and she gives the pup this you hit me you little shit and i’m gonna take you out look.  its funny as hell

boxers are deliquents.  i like that.  well exccept for when they do shit like swipe my drinks and ashtray off as they just walk by just for kicks. then i wanna kill them too. 

i’m seeing a pattern of wanting to kill things and that bothers me some.  my people, wel my old people the OWs,  fuck people with whispers. never even think about killing things. 

and i dont mean literally kill, so nbody go write i’m like a future murderer or some shit.  i’m mean metaphoircally as in i’m 16 so suck me

anyway seems like we’ve had Rosie forever since we started looking expecting it to take a while to find a boxer but found a new liter immeditely, then got the call like days later and had to take her like literally days after the pups’ eyes opened andn bottle feed her for weeks to save her life cause i think about almosmt half the litter was sold immediately. 

i donno if anybody else that’d already bought their pups came and got them.  it was funny tho how Jess took a pink ribbon and asked to put it on her pup to make sure nobody else got it and the owners looked at her like she was nuts and was like we know each pup but they let her do it. 

anyway and it feels like Lu’s been dead forever and that the fire happened forever ago. about half left here functioning at all still cries for that dog daily cause she was so our buddy.  least she died instantly like Annie.  instant and happy in a freak accident, stepping off the curb like she’d never done before. and inthis super quiet neighbrohood somebody just happened to be right there in a fucking car. and just happened tohit her straight on with a tiny little injury direct in the temple. 

both annie and luce died so instant they both still had their happy faces on.  thats the way to go tho dude if you gotta go. still

and   time is  fucked up. its like we’re in a time warp.  yesterday maybe dont remember at all.  or last hour. 20 years ago, 40, maybe even 50 years ago,can relay everydetail of events.  but cant spell simplewords.  but can pull some long ass latin medical term outta our ass from like nowhere.   how do we do that?  different parts ofthe brain,we’ve been told.

its beginning too i think – the transition in the brain damage progression to forgetting people.  why i think that?   cause of moments of somebody here talking about a loved one or fam member or old pet or whatever,a nd they stop  suddenly and i donno what it looks like from outside, but inside its like they freeze and get this combo confused/horror look on their face with the realization that the name aint there.

fun.  not.  sometimes jess or john supplies the name and then often ends up having to comfort whoever cause it wigs people the fuck out.  sometimes the name suddenly comes. or a form of it, and whoever here can work out the loved one or fam member name themself in a minute or 2.  but dude

no doubt, we already figured it out ourself but home nurse and jess and even johnhas confirmed that we recovered amazingly from the radical and that huge stomach tumor madfe up of encapsulated suture material left in 10 years ago when we almost died at baylor when they removed the busted permantent feeding tube and sent us home to die with no food source and an abdominal abscess that took like 5-6 more surgeries to fix but they didnt dig deep enough or some shit cause sutere material from the initial feeding tube placement was left and a tumor formed around it.

anywaygod.  anyway so gut got busted open by somebody outside’s bitch fit that made drew fall out of a fucking chair answering a phone for the t50th time to be screamed at and busted a hole in our stomach.  really

i remember that so well.  we all knew instantly we was hurt bad but it was drew at the front trying to calm the situation down with somebody who supposedly used to love him and listen to him.  and he wouldnt a admitted he was bad hurt.  not him.  he’d fucking die 1st. 

anyway we survived all that shit.  then had that lymphadenitis nitemare and piggyback infections. and all that shit required round after round of super antibiotics just to keep us alive.  think somebody says 5 or 6.  i donno.  point is it killed off the good bacteria in our colon, which had already shut down on us before (hence the permanent feeding tube i talked about above).  so now we’ve spent months of measure after desperate measure to get good bacteria to grow again in our severely diseased colon or we’re gonna die from it.

suffering sucks ass.  i just had to say that

 rosie just came in here looking all miserable and shit but cute and very pink with the collar and leash and shit off to doggie school.  thakn god drake got to where he can deal wiht pink again without sending us in to convulsions on the sight of it. i’m serious. literal body convulsions. no even just inside ones.  body convulsions.  just at the sight of pink or thot of

oh whatever.  i actually came on here to grumble a minute an dthen post an update on some shit cause like i’m the only one who ever fucking updates.  people’ll just write shit and then not come back with the ending or results or whatever.  but i ended up rambling. 

oh yeah and get this.  i also ended up talking to jess.  like in a conversation.  a sentence is a lot of talk for me.  i’m losing it too.  we all are.  i think whoever here with the theory. probly drake cause he gets most of the theories and shit.  well he’s most likely to write them down anyways.  hell mayube i’m wrong about that too.  anyway i think whoever is right.  i think us left are beginning to kinda lose ourself, coming closer together.  did that make sense?  whatever it is i dont like it. 

anyway i’ll update later or something.  maybe.  yeah i will.  its my goal for the day.  i will update later.  there’s somet hings needing it. 

just one more thing nowt hen i’m out for now cause cody’s going move and let him eat.  we got to keep the weight up in the zone for our cushion since the DNI.  its all on us now.  anyway pain’s kicking our ass.  kicking. our. ass.

now i’m done for now

Eve

11-12-07 – Eve… k so i’m bored, too weak to do shit, too stressed to just lay here and watch tv, so…

there’s a whole shitload of old entries that different people started on and never finished in that waiting to be sent folder, so I’m sending em.  Yeah I know G deleted the old journal and shit, and thats where most the figuring shit out, suspicions, hurts and feelings and other shit was, but whatever.  I’m bored so I’m gonna date these when they was last worked on and put them here

Eve

8-4-07 – Eve… my view on who’s got a right to dog a 50+ year fronter

*Unfinished &/or unposted entry now posted courtesy of Eve”

** 

First of all, Sharon’s one of the originals.  literally one of the originals.  been here since body age 3.  And she’s the last of the surviving “moms”.  They was the ones that mostly did the raising of the girls and who had the career and shit.  Sue (host), Susan, and Sharon. 

Sue and Susan are still around, but they rarely take the front.  they was both casualties of the last near-death and time period after it which was real traumatic. 

When Sue takes the front, she’s always confused and generally stays quiet or tries to get a hug from whoever might happen to be around or tries to ask questions and figure out what’s going on without being obvious.  Susan pops up on rare times to take care of something big real fast and then its like ok that’s all she can do.  Mostly they both just sit in their rooms blank.  In fact, thats what most them Colony chics and kids do. 

*

The Colony is that system people here call the originals cause of the block that was put up that kept most of us trapped in the Pit world for like 30 body years.  that happened in that time of the breakdown and months IP at 17 when we was first diagnosed mult. 

anyway what happened then was them Most Highs took a few people from each system and made one fronting system, and took the rest of us and trapped us beneath this damn block.  and we stayed trapped for all them years, living our own lives, til Drew was brought to the front like a year or something after the last near-death when we’d lost like almost all our fronters and had new people at the front and was having trouble. 

Him, Amy, and Lisa all was thrown to the front and made to be fronters close to the same time.  Much like what’s happened to several of us here in this near-death time.   Thats one of the parallels between that near-death time and this one – almost all new fronters.  Drew dont front no more.  Lisa neither.  Amy does.  Drake tries, but he blames himself for like everything, and I mean every thing, and there’s people who are happy to help him blame himself for everything.  and we’re oh so grateful to have them around.  yeah, i’m being sarcastic again.

*

Anyway my point is when whatever system’s had one single person who’s fronted for 50+ years!  Hell I’ll bend and say just 40.  And, like sharon’s been kinda fucked a lot for the last 2-3 years, I’ll even give them a year or 2 to’ve been fucked too.  But any system who’s got one of them to produce can dog sharon.  anybody else can shut the fuck up. 

Eve

8-8-06 – LJ – Eve… So the ring is off. I hope it fucking stays that way

That kid, Chloe, knows about my nosing around yesterday.  I can’t keep anything from her evidently.  She’s good too. 

She had an hysterical thing herself after knowing new things said.  The man was very kind to her until I was finally able to get around her.  

Several hours later, last night, she took the ring off, saying she will never again wear anything that symbolizes people who could say such cruel and horrific things about people here.   So, its in a box.  I hope somebody flushes the fucker when they get back.

Eve

8-7-06 – LJ – Eve… Eve is watching

I am Eve, Otherworlder, a Renegade in Drake’s system.  Well, or whoever’s system it ends up being if he doesn’t survive or get pulled back together enough to lead again. 

 

My growing fear for some time has been that he’s been heading down the trail of others before him such as Drew and DLs in other systems people here have known who tried to renegade, and be fronters too.  Apparently, that show-down to determine his fate is now in progress.

I’ve been alone here at the front since in the night hours night before last with that light kid, Chloe.  I’m not stupid.  When she disappeared hours before the building battle over Drake started going down, I figured those Most Highs had taken her and were bolstering her up to be at the front because it was obvious Amy was too fucked up when they took her again earlier that day to be able to get “fixed” enough to do her defending, holding the front thing, in such short order. 

 

That job has fallen to Chloe before, and the obvious conclusion was that it would again.  What I didn’t anticipate was that I’d be here with her.  But, ok, I understand that a poser is needed for the front.  And, I’m good.

 

I’ve made sure its known that the kid Chloe is here by herself with only me, an unknown “poser”.  Now, I’m watching.  I’m sitting here alone with an innocent bystanding kid at the front.  And I will remember, and stand ready to report.

 

Eve