7-29-09 – Amy… Jeff Hardy vid – sometimes good wins – Gypsy added a prologue

Its Gypsy. prologue time

 ok well slap me and call me stupid but Amy talked herself right into a revelation in this entry that answered a LOT of questions about what the hell has been wrong with her and what are those strange hysterics she’s been having about. 

It hit her when she was watching that vid at the end here for the 1st time.  Right near the beginning, there’s a still of Hardy – looking well tortured.  like a tortured soul.  his face is all painted and shit like he’s been doing for a while now sometimes and he’s got this look on him

and when Amy saw that look (I guess it just went by her when she grabbed the vid cause she didn’t see it til she watched it on here)

but that look on Jeff’s face in that still near the beginning with his face painted – that tortured soul look –

I’m telling you every person in this place has seen that exact look on Drake’s face so many times I cant even count.  and it always like amy said to Jess when she was yet again hysterical a bit ago after her revelation over this damn entry

but amy told jess that every time she’s ever seen that look on Drake’s face she wants to bawl cause its so tragic and it hurts her heart cause she knows how bad D wanted a life – as he’s always said just “droplets of a life” he’d take. 

she asked jess, and then I asked her too, and she told us both that yeah he indeed does get that exact look on his face and in his eyes, and it has the same effect on her

So now now what? now we know what’sbugging amy out.  especially after it flooded/hit her at almost the beginning of the vid (and them song words too – dayum talk about it coulda been written totally like about Drake!)

but when it hit amy that she was relating

oh I need to shut up or I’m gonna blow her entire  entry and revelation

anyway this is heavy shit dude.  and I’ll just say she’s grieving for drake cause he never got more than a taste of life – real life – he has craved forever.  and now he never will cause we’re dying. 

D’s gonna die, like well the rest us still left sttanding here for the most part, he’s gonna die without ever having got to really live.  and that just sucks ass.  i wish i wasnt toxic so i could have a fucking stiff drink

and i just gotta say one more thing while i’m at it.  i’m damn pissed to be dying this way.  now on to amy’s epiphany/revelation and yeah well on with it…

*

 

I LOVE Jeff hardy.  i have from the very 1st day i ever saw him years ago after i first got throwed out here.  he’s like my hero.  i adore him.  i’m his biggest fan.  i almost saw him in person at raw (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr), got the t-shirt, got the hardy boyz necklace and i read fan stuff on him

I relate to him on so many levels – he’s had a hard life, he’s lost so much, he’s made mistakes.,  but he’s also been screwed

and screwed

and screwed.

He’s been dogged. he’s been maligned.  he’s been unjustly accused. he’s been attacked mercilessly.  his mother died when he was just a kid. his house burned down and his dog died tragically.  his BROTHER turned on him and broke his heart.  and thats just off the top of my head

 he’s won the world heavyweight title 2 times before in this last year!!!!  and got it taken away from him both times like almost  immediately - the last time in literally less than 60 seconds!!!!

Life aint been easy for him neither, likeus, and some its been his own fault but most of  it hasnt – and doesnt that just make him HUMAN?   and you know, i think its his human-ness that makes me love Jeff Hardy so much.  cause he’s real dude.  he’s REAL.

just like life is real.  sometimes its real good and sometimes its real crappy, but its always real.  and you can count on that from Jeff too – that he’ll be real. 

Jeff Hardy’s like me, and well like my dad Drake and even some others here too.  he is what he is.  He’s lke this is me and I’m doing the best I can.  he’s out there in the open being what he is, who he is, admitting when he’s wrong, trying to do right, busting his ass to be honorable and upright and fair.  and i love him.

I was devastated when he was traded to smackdown like ddays before we got to see WWE Raw here in our city.  and i been taking this seems like a year but i think its probly been less of him getting smacked upside the head one time after another from every damnn direction reallly hard. 

I think i’m relating to him too much.  isnt that called transference or something?  i jjust know it got to the point i’d just cry and cry when some new awful shitty thing would be done to him or he’d get hurt or whatever.

anyway

so once a year WWE has this thing called nite of champions when every single belt in all three branches is up for grabs.  and Jeff fought his way this year against all odds to end up being the #1 contender.  and then last weekend, he got his chance again

and he won that world champion belt.

somebody made a video outta some Jeff moments – ending with him holding up the world heavyweight title he won for the THIRD time this year the other nite – and nobody can take it away from him till at least friday anyways.  and this  person put the video to bon jovi’s “its my life” to it

and omg but the words to that song spoke to me too, to us, to our situation, to well us dude.  and i cried cause no i aint delusional and think i’m really like a famous pro wrestler or nothing, but you dont gotta have exactly the same kinda pains to relate ya know? 

anyways here it is cause I love Jeff Hardy and he finally won and gets to feel the wonderfulness of winning for at least a little bit before the crap starts again

*

dude wow i was just watching my entry for the first time and it hit me hard.  all the stuff I said.  why do i love jeff hardy so much?  why do I relate to him so much?  why does his pain hurt me so much? 

he reminds me of my dad, Drake.  listen and watch and, if you know him, you’ll see it to i betcha

duh

7-28-09 – Drake’s memorial show (courtesy of Gypsy)

Drake will forever grieve not only his lost family but has been grieving this lost show representing his chosen fam and the grands to him that he made years ago. he’s taken spells where he’s made himself nuts looking for this show or even the graph8ics. i happened upon it but WP wouldn’t accept the format. so i spent literally hours using every last bruised brain cell we have left to find reformat and post this fucker to a WP acceptable formate.

I redid it as close to the original as possible. all the pics and captions are unchanged except that I blanked out his “best’s” (barf) name. i purposely incorporated a few elements of the lost relationships – pink, diamond jewel, stars, D’s blue… to please him

this is a gift to my punky. i don’t give a fuck if whoever doesn’t like it being here. this is the only forum we got left that its possible for me to put it on so that he can see it when he wants/needs to and we aint putting nothing privae here no more. so its here and like i said if whoever dont like i dont give a damn.

its for him and his lost family – and people here too – who did not want to lose their family.

I love you, Punky.

others – enjoy it if it touches you. bite me if you wanna. ignore it and move along if ot means nothing to ya

gypsy

7-29-09 – Gypsy… just like you & you don’t own me vids – if it applies to you, bite me…

6-19-09 – gypsy… figured it was time for a G vid

6-10-09 – Gypsy… Our Playlists’ Link

Rise8 IMEEM 

here’s the link for our IMEEM playlists.  its also in the”FOR THE RECORD” on the widgets side, but here it is as an entry too just cause i feel all accomodating and shit. 

they are works in progress.  visit/listen to them if you wanna.  don’t if you don’t.  comment if you wanna and can be nice.  I wouldn’t recommend it if you can’t.

5-30-09 – Gypsy… just whining like a pussy ass girl

ok so amy’s in freak out land cause our we’re borderline toxic for a while now and they’re trying to keep us at home cause of our DNI but we’re all like wigged out cause last time before when we almost died was cause an idiot pain doc made us fucking toxic and almost killed us.  and it was only our kids rushing to th computer and searching out the very few speciaists across the country that give a fuck about our orphan disease and put us in the back of the van in a made up bed and took off for the baylor medical center to find this doc.   we had 3 organ shut down and he toldjohn when he arrived later that day we wuldnta survivded the day.  well part of that was our tiny body suddenly swelled up like we was about to give birth. 

anyway i started ut saying amy was too wigged out to write this and then got off track so finishing that thot here  and sayig  i’ll do it.   somebody please shoot me

anyway so you know those days tht are just days from hell you’d like to break every damn thing in site and have the whole fucker just swiped from your memory and never wanna another experience another day  like it?  well yesterdayy was one of those days. 

damn it to hell cody’s stupid break stuff song he put a vid up on another entry recently nd plays that fucker ad nauseum cause his attitude sucks worse than mine just came in my head as i wrote that.  i’m gonna kill the fucker after i finish this.

ayway so the list. 

we fell – as in hit the floor cause managing to control fall into furniture or wall dont count.  i knowwe hit the floor 4 times cause Jess says she saw 3 and i knowthere was at least 1 more.  ok first here in oklahoma the thing for years now has been those really expensive tile floors (which we started and then stopped mid project after our brilliant self discovered that solid concrete hurts way fuckin worse to hit in a fall than carpt) and now thre’s a new trend where the cement foundation’s been i donno treated or some shit and has designs in it and crap and then gets these high sheen finishes.  looks hella cool.  ______’s new house has them.   anyway stay on topic moron

so obvisouly our balance was so fucked hat we spent the whole fuckng day on the walker.  dont ge me wrong.  i thank God – and the dad – fo that cadillac walker (we cant spell for shit no more – i think people with dying brains cant spell – but we candamn sure pop out the arm-long latin medical words.  somebody hre asked jess how do we do that!  she said its a different part of the brain.  i donno.  damnitothell i just went offtopic again.

ok so we had 2 – count them 2 – of those terrifying sudden heart grippiing maybe you hit the floor or just a wall and your sure in those few secondsof that spell that this is it your dying.  so we had 2 of them break-thru heart spells.  have we told a home health or doc that?  NO  just leave us alone dude  leave us alone.  make us as comfortableas possible please, do as little as possile to us, andlet us die at home, and otherwise leave us alone cause you can stick a fork in us all.  we’re just fuckng done with suffering

shit a  couple of tiny bloody bricks that you’d a thot we was trying to pass a baby thru our fucking anus.  and thats probly too much tmi right there so that’ll do donkey.  that’ll do

ok so we been swelling some – face, feet, stomach mostly.  its fromt he toxicity evidently.  the medical team is working on trying to get the toxins outa our body and replace the good bacteria in our colon so maybe it’ll work a while longer or some shit.  i donno.  its trigery as fuck so every time it gets brought up or ttempted to be exlained to us, we just shut downand immediately block the info.

our mouths’ been dropped a while.  worse yesterday.  then the eye dropped yesterday.  so yeah we looked like a freak. 

oh and strangers in the house for days.  nice strangers. w onderful people.  but we’re not norma anymore remember?  we’re terrified of like everything.  people most of all.  so meltdown happened.  and tht was just so nice.  not

its aother situation of we know the pros are tring to make us feel better and tell us that all end-stage homebound people get this overwhelming fear of strangers and people and different things happens – we just bascially turn in to weird freaks who should be shoved off a bridge on a deserted road. 

*

so hom, our angel from god, had to take care of the ___________ all day, and its good for them andher that she loves the pool much as they do – cause we was too sick to do anything.  those heart spells kick  our fuckng ass for th rest of the day and we’d already had 2 gby afternoon. 

so toniteis a memory nite.  we have to make a difference.  we have to.  so we had to make a decision – the dreaded cancel SF adn try to rest and hopefully improve some today or at least get a little strength or go thru with it and put it all off on poor jess cause we’re just a msotly worthless dying lump now that aint even gonna get anything we HAVE to get accomplised before we die evidently.  oh god dont let me stray off on to another topic

oh yeah forgot to mention that we had at laest 3 of them suddenly go to sleep and if we can be woke up we’re disoriented ad prbly go right back in to it.  they think its narcolepsy.  one of the ________ said why you having all these weird life-threatening complications?   cause we keep out-living the complications that MOST people with this godforsaken disease have died from like a fucking normal person so we’re now just going down the line of strange horrific complications…

can you survive this?  yeah?  ok can you survive THIS?  really?  ok well lets see if you can survive THIS ONE!!!   its hell.  we’ve livedtooo long. we’ve lived too longand now the med profession d ont knowwhat to do with us.  how fuckng comforting is that? raise the constant opium patch again?  ok.  raise the this and the that?  ok  stick you on 52 (i’m exaggeraing) rounds of superantibiotics – which oh by the way KILL the “good” bacteria in your already fucked colon that’s already shut-down on you before annd supposed to aint even work?  ok

miracles my ass.  these “miraculous” recoveries/going on dont feel like miracles.  but hey we’re =getting what we’ve prayed so hard for just like we got for the girls – time.  tiime to mke memroies, make a difference, leave a legacyof love to those we love so much.

we’re about all about at the limit of how much we can suffer.  there’s like some invisible line of suffering i thnkn in which the dying person just goes ok i’ve had enough.  long time ago, john named our suffering the “oh meter”.  he’d come in and say to take a pain pill and he always seemed to know when.  so does Jess.  anyway soembody here asked him how he knew from another room that we needed pain meds (we get so bad off that we cant thinkk well enough to take pain meds). 

anyway so John says he goes by the “oh meter” and whoever here was like we have an oh meter and he was like yeah when he hears too many “ohs” coming outta this prison – i mean room – he knows our oh meter has gone too high and we need pain meds.  good lord

oh yeah and then wee get yelled at for hours last nite.  fucking hours dude.  godplease have somemercy on us

 

*

so the weight’s being going up from swelling and we get told that they expect anywhere from a 3 to 10 lb weight loss whent hey do thisthing they’re fixing to do to try to re-set our colon and beg it nicely to work agan for a while longer.  most likly 5-10 lbs. 

WHAT?!?!?!   that’s our fucking cushion we’ve worked so hard to get!  we have a fucking DNR dude AND a life trauama to end all life trauma’s now within a month or something away.  and your telling us that we’re probly gonna lose our cushion – nd we by god are not going back o the DNR and that includes colon, stomach, kidney, whatever fucking bags.  i betcha they wish there was a mouth bag they could put over us.  

 we are not a good patient.  we dont mean to be a pain in the ass but we dont understand hardly anything that’s goingo n anymore – and that makes us feel VULNERABLE.  and it wigs us th fuck out cause we’re still in the stage of the i’m not gonna say the word where we know we’re losing our faculties s0 hysterics and irrationality and panics and hold mes and oh god please shoot me – its all just part f our days now.  the fam probly kinda wishes we’d go into the next stage already.   i’m morbidly kidding.  i know they dont.  i’m just fucking overwhelmed and i’m just a fuckng girl dude.  i’m 15.  15. i’m 15.  i’m not equipped to handle this.  help

offtopic again.  what a fucking shock sigh 

*

k heres where this mornings wig=out comes in.  we’re 4 lbs up in one day.  saying that again slowly - 4 lbs up in one day. 

oh for gods sake can we get a fucking break?  please.  cant we just die like a regular person for gods sake?

we do NOT go up 4 fucking lbs in a day.  oh we can lose 4-5 fucking pounds in a day – which then does NOT come right back and can take anywhere from weeks to montsh to gain back.  but UP 4?  in 1 day?!?!?!   no 

oh god ad the pain.  oh and the sick.  did i mention we wok up this morning looking 6 months gone?  that can only mean one thing.  disaster.  we are definitely toxic.  now we have insiders wigging out that we’re gonna die like that poltergeist kid and that movie star also here a while back from colon toxicity. 

we’re either gonna have to do soemthing or things so traumatizing to us that i dont jnow how we’re gonna pull ourself together for tonite or we’re gonna get thrown in the hospital today for crossing over in to too toxic.  evidently just killing us doesnt seem to be an option

*

hell even i’ve given up even claiming to be a dark hard bitch anymore.  i’m just a scared 15 year old kid dying a death i wouldn’t wish on even our worst enemy (and i mean that) who’d give anything for a hug, a kind word, some time spent with me to try tohelp me calm the fuck down (already had a fucking xanax bar which obviously did not work - and i’m one of those who cant stand to be touched except by the dogs and ______.   

i’m lost.  i’m as lost as D.  i’m almost as fallen apart as Amy.  and i’m shutting the fuck up now.  nothing i said is gonna make any difference anyway. never fucking does

i just read this.  what a fucking mess.  nobody gonna read this.  oh wel whatever.   i got it out anyway.

3-26-09 – Gypsy… Grace off to possible major surgery – we’re a wreck

Its patch changing day so I dont know how sensical this is gonna be since the late afternoon/evening/nite/morning of patch day is always full of pain and sickness beyond what we deal with daily anyway at best.  like, for instance this time, we’ve been in pain/sick hell since late afternoon yesterday – so the opiate patch only works 2 days on us instead of the 3 its supposed to.  then  its still aabot an hour and then it takes a while to take effect.  we know the dose needs raised or something,b ut we’re in our trying to deal with the overwhelming fear of docs and getting back into the swing of going thru medical shit and experimentation til another pain reigmen cocktail that works is found.

We just sent Gracie (our year old labradoodle) off to possible surgery for what the vets think is a torn ACL in her back leg.  After Annie (our 1st labradoodle, adored by all, who died at age 2 within weeks of being diagnosed with being ate up with cancer of the heart and lungs – when ALL her chest x-rays were CLEAR totally just months before when she got sterilized so figure that one out), we’re like a total basket case.

Grace seems to have recovered from her injury I think about a month ago now? remarkably tho.  We even took a chance and took her and Lucy to the dog park the other day.   

* 

Lucy is  Jess’ boxer we got her for Xmas cause she was begging for her own dog, and her previous dog was a mastiff mix – which was obviously outta the question for us to have here in the house with us now altho some here have always desperately wanted a mastiff.  But when we tried to go down the road again of possibly getting a mastiff for Hom our kids just went nuts outta fear that it’d accidentally hurt us since we so weak and shit now that we can be knocked over by a feather – so we got Lucy for Hom instead since boxers are in the mastiff fam – just like a very small version.  

Luce-Anne is wonderful, and everybody adores her.  One of our girls is now obsessed with wanting a boxer now.  In fact, everyone who meets Lucy was HER – she’s so totally like a huge success – and Jess (well all us)  dote on that dog.  she’s so ubberspoiled – but then all our dogs always are.   

The other day, one of the _ _ _ _ _ _ observed “Jess treats Lucy like she’s a dog toy”.  It was hilarious but true.  She all dresses her up all the time and shit – and she goes to doggy school – and she’s got a gigantic toy box. 

Our Mutt and Jeff (Grace and Lucy) are such a joy and so funny.  Gracie (still a pup too remember) and Lucy (now about 5 months old) just fill the house… and yard.  Grace takes everything out – in to her “domain: – the back yard, while Lucy brings everything in – her fave of all being sticks so gigantic that we’ll be like how the hell did you get that thru the dog door?  lol   they’re a mess

Anyway Jess is gonna try to make a show we can publish of Grace and Lucy’s 1st trip to the dog park and, f she does, we’ll post it here.  Its gonna be kinda hard tho, and probly short, cause the _ _ _ _ _ _ are in most of the pics.  Maybe she can make a slide show of them both together in some of the thousands of pics of them (LOL) and just include whatever few picks she can glean fromm the dog park outting after cropping out other fam members out.  what a shame and paiin in the ass that we have to be so careful now and do that. 

*

Anyway so at the dog park, Grace was like a dog in heaven.  She had so much fun it was ridiculous.  and she ran like the wind all over that about 5 acre park – complete with shallow swimmng pond for the dogs.  She showed no limp – there or since – and she hasn’t acted sore at all, so we’re hoping with everything in us that she donthave a torn ACL and won’t have to have that big surgery.  we’ll know in a while tho.  Its just really hard and scary – even for us so-called hard-asses here.  but then we’re all suckers for dogs and kids so I dont think any of us are hard-asses at all where either of them are concerned.

We’re all like nervous wrecks here of how we gonna deal with this giant dog’s recovery (especially with a VERY rambunctious boxer in the house – who BTW decieed day 1 that Gracie’s her mother)?   well we’ll see if we have too.  maybe she won’t have to have the big surgery.

Ok well the waiting game is on.  we’re praying for our baby.  We just gotta hold on to faith that God’ll be merciful and not allow another puppy/young dog to die on us.

*

Oh yeah, the dog park was full of big dogs but Grace and one white siberian were the two biggest dogs there.  That just weirded us out cause I mean we knew she’s a monsterdoodle like her predecessor (we purposely picked out another pup that showed all the signs of being another “bohemoth”.  but we had no clue how really huge Gracie is til she got around other big dogs.  wow  And she’s still just a pup.   

Labradoodles are a designer dog originally from Australia.  the real ones are the standard/”giant’ poodle and lab – so we’re talking big dog on any of them.  Then Labs grow til they’re 2 and then they fill out.   And their labradoodle coat don’t come in til they’re past 2.  Annie’s coat was just coming in to the point that she was looking  f-i-n-e when she coughed one day – and then was dead weeks later.   Like Annie, gracie’s coat is beginning to come in along the top of her back ridge – so she, like Annie did too, looks like she has a mohawk right now.  its funny

a couple weeks ago or whenever that was she was at the vet with this injury Grace weighed in at I think 67 pounds then.  That’s a BIG labradoodle – even for a full-grown male – and she’s a female and hasn’t even started filling in yet.   

Gracie’s magnificent – like Annie was before her.  Please God let this one live and mature and not die from some weird malady nobody’s ever heard of  – - -

heart cancer?!!?!?!  Who’s ever even heard of heart cancer?  We was a medical transcriptionist our whole career in one of the top teaching hospitals in the country and nboody here remembers EVER even hearing of freaking heart cancer.  So who’s ever even heard of heart cancer?  Go ahead and think on that – I’ll wait.   Nobody.  that’s it. nobody’s ever heard of it.  Our vet (who’s our body age) had never even heard of it.  anway sigh

 anyway and pleasae God let her reach her full potential and have a long happy life.  

*

k John just got back from dropping Gracie off at the vet.  oh please god dont let her have to have that big surgery!  oh yeah and please God help us not be crazy today while waiting to be called that our baby’s ok

G

3-24-09 – Gypsy… We went to Raw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Voices by Rev Theory

 

 

Woo hoo Jess is the bomb!!!!    She gave us a copy of her slide show on her MS of when we were at Raw.

Yeah, we WERE there last year – june 30th (no  I didn’t remember that date - jess just told me *g*) 

We saw CM Punk (THE hottest man alive) cash in money in the bank and win the heavyweight title.

We saw Rey Mysterio do the 619.

We saw Kofi Kingston (who is the 2nd hottest hottest man alive) do his “oooh oooh oooh” -  oops that means your ass just got kicked – move

we saw Cryme Tyme (who are just too cool and hot for words)

Oh yeah Edge was there.  What an ass.  I hate Edge.  and it was sooooooooooooooo fun to watch Punk run out there – right past Batista (yep saw him too) - shocking the shit outta both of them, and cashing in money in the bank when he kicked Edge’s ass!!!

I’m not even mentioning JBL cause I REALLY cant stand him.  oops I just did *g*

Amy had various moments of mourning cause her fave wrestler – Jeff Hardy – had just got traded to Smackdown like two days before Raw came here.

We bought OMG so much shit!  we got the shirts LOL  We got hardy boyz necklaces.  oh and can’t forget the fab HBK cowboy hat -  which sits in its place of honor on our shelf.

John said he’d about never had so much fun just cause we both had so much.  He was great to take us – and let us spend all that money and not even bitch at us or grumble or nothing.  and that was after the small fortune it cost just for the tickets. 

Here’s my fave entry song – if it works.  Damn i cant figure the music out.  its supposed to be “voices” by rev theory – orton’s theme song altho I hate him too

Did I mention we saw Cena too?  Jess about died over that.  it was too funny. s he’s as bad about Cena as Amy is about Jeff Hardy

Thanks Jess!!!!!! 

Gypsy

3-17-09 – Gypsy… Never Gonna Happen – yeah so Lily Allen is my new spokesperson – - ADULT ONLY

Evidently we still have a problem with some people who just will not stop or move on, who still have VERY unhealthy obsessions with my system for some STRANGE reason to the point that this site has received OVER 400 hits in a little over a month since we opened it.  Since these persons might not know – here’s a little FYI…

 

even tho we here aren’t obsessive freaks who keep trackers on our shit, Word Press keeps a little “stats” section.   

 

yeah… 

 

and, on WP’s little ole stat section, is SHOWS us what words/phrases have been searched for by people coming to the site.    

 

Yeah…

 

So, we know what NAMES of people close to us have been searched on within our site – oh like for instance YESTERDAY.  And, oh yeah, that’s taken care of already this morning - those names are gone gone gone. 

 

In other words, to put it in song form cause Lily Allen is like my new spokesperson…

 

searching for entries mentioning certain people – and finding info about them on this site – or any other for that matter…

 

well…

 

“Never Gonna Happen”!!!!

 

Enjoy…

3-5-09 – Gypsy… OMG how many times have I felt like this when we had people all over us who wouldn’t quit – - (ADULTS ONLY)