6-10-09 – Kelli… for the one who called me “sunshine”

ok note:  i ended up rambling on some. 

its Kelli.  the point of this note is that i wanted to put a video here for someone i loved oh so much.  and believed in with all my heart.  i remember good and wonderful things about, and i hope this person does me as well.  supposedly i was his sunshine.  i hope his life is happy and blessed.  this song is for him .its at the end of this and  its a gift to remember me by.  if  its not wanted, then forget its here.

*

 i’ve been thinking a lot.  i never participated in any of the um situation which occurred in any way.  i never fought with anyone nor said bad of anyone.  i remained true to myself and who I am in these realms of what mults call the real world. 

 i  have always been called ”sweet, kind, gentle kelli” by everyone who has knownw me in this real world- and i admit it used to bug me and tick me off because i am a warrior in my world.   but now I think, you know, thank you.  thank you for descrbiing me in that way. 

but looking backj now, i don’t know if i was too “kind and gentle” and acted as who I am out here ihn this place called the word, because i waited quietly and in the background, certain in my heart, with all my heart, that the one who called me “sunshine” meant it and would… but that didn’t happen.

altho i never participated, i was eventually targeted real bad and hard, probly cause i was perceived as weak but mostly i think cause it was known by all that knew us personally that the fam here loves me deeply, and the attackers wanted to take all they could from our life.  \

thru just the atttack on me part, i was so thoroughly damaged that it knocked me on my ass for a very long time.  and i’m ashamed of that.  i am a warrior of the clan.  to have been so dessimated, an d not even fight back. 

well i’m ashamed that i folded.  i am not however ashamed that i never fought nor fought back.  i stayed true to myself, and for that i am proud.

but like everybody else here except our oldest left, sharon,and onlyh kinda so for her, i am only 15 and came after the body was so ill and debilitated and almost homebound so i know little of the world.  

i painfully came to understand that what small part (i am a quiet person) i did take part in the mult community, altho watching way much more, that what i witnessed was not a true reflection of  real “life”.  so like everybody else here but sharon, i have had virtually no actual socializationin the world. 

i’m not making extcuses.  i’m just trying to explain a little.  i’m still ashamed that i, a warrior of the clan, collapsed on my system for so longwhen they needed me.  and i intend to make of for it now.  and like I believe itsdrake who has said in some point in recent months, fortunately probly for us, due to certain effects upon our thot processes/memory in the last i think year or more especially, we remember very little of the negative things which happened.  and that is a true blessing to all of us cause we can now remember those we loved and smile. 

 i personally  feel blessed that my memories are almost allgood ones of the people i knew and loved.

so like the others here now in our last days getting us through this period, i have joined thgem again cause i am a hella good fronter with one fault – i don’t eat.  well except for chocolate and coke. 

oh i love chocolate.  but the guys, i think its mostly the guys are carrying that load altho since the fire and luce-anne’s death i think itwas about a week ago? we have lost about 7 of our precious pounds.  but thats random.  i dont know why i even included that

*

i know that at least drake for sure and I think maybe one of two others, but definitely NOT any of the others left, have said, I also want to add that i also don’t blame or hate or hold any grudges anymore. 

i dont think i have anything to apologize since like amy i never got involved, but if i did have a moment of weakness in which i hurt someone, i’,m so sorry.  please forgive me and please remember that today might not mnjust be our ,last day, it could be yours too.  so dont carry hates and stuff with you.  it doesnt really make any sense to in the end. 

 iif anyone who reads this is, or ends up like us knowing that your gonna die – you will come to understand that those things no matter how bad or traumatidc they were, well its really not important in the end.  whats important in the end is who you’ve loved and who has loved you, and good memories. 

Kelli

6-6-09 – cody… the vid with that line “they shoot horses dont they” – absolutely NO kids or fragile people its graphic (addendums by Drake & Kelli)

I noticed on that little stat thing wp has that somebody had searched trying to find the song they shoot horses dont they.  its not a song.  it was a movie. a  tragic movie  whifch some here relate to in this end of our life.  i found the final scene in which that line is said.  the line is at the end of the scene

this is very graphic.  do not let any kids or i cant think of the word i dont wanna use weak thats not the  right word.gb ut  =dont let them view this

 

NOTE;  this is drake next day.  i think i ned to explain this saying because it dawwned on me that it might not be widely understood.  the ground is full of holes.  in the plains for  instance there are gopher holes and snake hooles and priarie dog holes.  when a horse is running, if it steps in one of these holes, it breaks its leg.  now i think tehy can sometimes fix horses broken legs, but it wasnt used to be that way.  the horse hade to be shot to be put out of its misery because there was no hope.  hence the man’s explanation “they shoot horses don’t they” (to cops question of why did this man help a woman who had had so many hard things and tragedies that she had lost all hope of there being any chance of any way to salvage any kindof life for herself so shebegged him and he helped her commit suicide  - added by kelli)

more note on 6-9 or something: its kelli.  i’m taking this video off.  i thinkits too violent.  its on youtube under they shoot horses dont they final scene if anybody wants to see it that bad

5-29-09 – Kelli… wow quote about after we’re gone

Someone once asked me what I want on my epitaph. Just the words ‘I tried’. That’s what this game of life is all about. Trying. There’s the tryers, the criers and the liars.  … Mickey Rooney

 

I’m holding the front so far this morning.  we’re in such dire straits here with the disease progression essentially killing off our fronters one by one (well not literally – rendering nonnfunctional would be a better choice of words probly) or damaging us to the point we cant front good.  and too about half us left cant front around um some people cause we’re too different and so not “acceptable”.  we try so hard to live longer for them – and dude that is not easy cause this is fucking hell and sufferng every minute of every day and nite – and we’re still not ”acceptable”.  just fucking shoot me dude and be done with it. damn

actually i happen to be one of the “acceptable” ones cause the family things I’m Sue (the host).  evidently I’m a LOT like her.  only prob is i cant eat so

 and theres like huge  life shit going on and oh dude we are so notn able to deal with regular life shit no more.  we panic we freeze up we wig out we get irrational we get confused we dont understand shit said to us.  oh gawd its a fucking nitemare. 

we dont need nobody to pile the guilt on us no more – altho it happens like oh all the time.  we do plenty good enough job of that on our own.  dont need no more help with that.  thanks tho.  now go away  ignore that.  i was having an immature moment

gawd we’re so damaged.  it makes me sick.  literally sick.  like for instance we’re always sick in the morning.  always. but  i literally got more than our usual morning sick from the opium  this morningn that i  almost passed out just cause something stupid and small to a “normal/well” person fucking upset my damnittohel fucking equilibrium and almost knocked me down – as i down i can’t function down. 

 i did fall down at least 2 times this morning in the sick and feeling like i was gonna faint spell.  like hit the floor fell and thats kinda unusual for us cause like all the other members of our fam witht his disease, we’ve mastered what the pros call the “controlled fall”.  in other words we can fall and look like we’ve broke our fool neck but fell “right” so didnt hurt nothing – or not bad anyway

anwayfucking way

gawd ever last one of us is affected by this and many other abilities lost.  not a damn one of us can stay on topic or type like shit anymore or spell like shit.  and evidently we were the best once upone a time dude.  made a career outta it.    now cause of our disease is in our brain and the progression we’re all affected and this is yet another case in point

as i was saying

anywayfucking way actually i’m one of the ones that’s a crappy fronter since the cachexia hit cause i dont eat – well unless its chocolate.  oh dude i love chocolate!   in fact i think there’s one of them rocky road brownies from city bites left from john getting us dinner last nite cause dude since the cachexia hit we get anything to eat we even fucking mention we might be able to eat. dude they literally feedus anything we can and will eat now. 

those here that eat are all about it.  i’m just like um i cant do that – but i can eat some chocolate.  so if one of them brownies is still there, i’m calling dibs.

anyway i’m like a crappy front er and can only front between meals.  how inadequate does that make me feel?  fucking fucking sigh

anyway i was looking thru Drake’s daily quote thing he’s got for years cause he loves quotes and i saw this one and i was like wow how many times have people here said exactly that!   that we just want so bad for people to realize when we’re gone that we tried.  oh yeah we’ve made hella lot of mistakes.  and some hella huge ones.  but we’ve never stopped trying.  and god please please i the end let the fact that we never stopped trying make a difference.  please

anyway this spoke to me so here it is

kelli

 

4-07-09 – Amy… “if today was your last day” – this song coulda been written about our philosophy in this, our end-time – - addendum by Kelli on 5-29-09

 

this makes me cry.  i donno but in the end I think everybody wants to have mattered, wants to have made a difference, wants to be loved, treasured, missed after we’re gone. 

we’re trying so hard.  so hard.  so hard

 

NOTE:  adding this on 5-29-09 cause the link stopped working so had to find another vid.  I just wanted to add a plea to anybody who might see this vid to never forget the lyrics.  Please learn from somebody living the reality “if today was your last day”. 

please, for your own sake, start livng your life by this priciple if you dont already.  don’t let your old hates or angers or fears - or whatever’s stopped you in any situation – stop you. 

dont go to bed angry.  dont hold grudges. 

never forget that you might not get to tell a certain person you love them tomorrow cause your too busy to take the time to today or some shit’s gone down between ya’ll or whatever and your afraid to approach them – of just dont feel ready to or or whatever –  cause like this song says

“what IF today was your last day?”

you never know in this life we got about from day to day if some kind or thotful thing you might say or do for another might be your last chance.  something might happen to you or the other person that’ll prevent any more chances of ever hapening. 

don’t piss away your chances in life - whatever they are or whoever they’re with - cause, when the oppoturnity is past or the person or you are  gone, the ones left are the ones whos gonna have to deal with the what they coulda done or said.

that’s all.  I aint written anything anywhere in  really long time but I just felt like I had to make a plea to people, to anybody that might see or happen on this entry – and i hope that you’ll never hear this song the same way again – as just a cool song – cause what it actually is is a plea not to waste whatever days God gives us.  so i hope i helped soembody.  i tried anyway.  i just had to

 

Kelli (and I wrote in orange cause my fave color is yellow but there aint no yellow that shows up well enough to read)