8-13-06 – LJ – Drew… its drew

i guess i’ll write here. i dont feel comfortable on the colony girls journal.  i have to get something out of me altho i dont for the life of me know why.  i aint much of a talker and i aint sure i’ve ever written in a journal before but i just have to say i’m sitting here drinking her coffee.   to get any sensation at all that i can of feeling close to her.  

how fucked up is that?  to still want, to still need, to feel some connection to the person who just spread horrible shit all over the damn place?   and who is back, and completely unremorseful?  maybe like kelli used to say, i should be shot.

this is all my fault.  i set her of in a rage and she struck back and hit this whole place even tho she knows that accusation is part of my damage in particular.   i shouldnt even be chancing being here at the front right now to drink her coffee

i’m afraid to even be out here right now but i know this is all my fault and i just have to say it.  i was the fuse that set her off.  my mind says dont be stupid. stay inside where you can do no harm.  but my heart says she is out here somewhere. god

i could never hate her.  not even now.  and i sit here drinking her coffee just to feel any kind of connection.   

when _____ told me she loved me that last nite i talked to anybody i said that i love her too.  and i do..  and i’ve told _____l several times too.  i have never thrown that word around.  thats just three people besdies __________ i’ve ever said i love you to in my whole life.  but it wasnt enough.  

she always swore i wanted her to change but it was her who couldnt accept me as i am.  and then to put that unbelievable shit out there about us.  but here i am anyway sitting here drinking her damn coffee just to feel some little connection to her.

i do still believe it could be fixed.  like the others here, i too do believe.  if she would just say sorry and take it back.  i know there would still be some people who would always still believe it cause multiples seem to be that way about jumping on the bandwagon to believe terrible shit.  but the love is too strong here.  even for me.  i know people would forgive and move on if she would just

how i miss several of them.  i thot i was really making strides and beginning to connect with people again.   guess i was wrong

see? see whats happened to me?  i got pulled in.  i loved.  and now here i sit alone drinking the coffee of someone i wasnt good enough for and who has absolutely torn my life to shreds. 

drew