8-31-09 – Amy… we almost died again & Jeff Hardy’s gone (w vid)

Lostprophets wrote a song for/about Jeff Hardy called rooftops which begins with him saying “You want to know who I am”.  well he’s gone and I can’t believe  it.  I cannot believe that i missed seeing him in person by days, this man that’s been my p ersonal hero, and yeah a hero to others here too

 

 and now that unless by some miracle, i/we will never see him wrestle again -

 

the extreme enigma, the man who never quit, who couldn’t be beaten no matter how beat down he got, who pulled it outta his ass somehow some way every damn wall he found himself up against.  a man I personally admired yeah even idolized.  a person who so epitomized me, us, as a whole (and Drake here in particular).  he finally got beaten and he’s gone. 

 

ironically Jeff Hardy’s gone as we lay here dying.  and there’ll be no more jeff to watch and lift us up, encourage us, remind us we’re a fighter too,

 

no jeff to watch to remind us don’t let NOTHIN beat you. 

 

all there’ll be are memories and videos and such like the one i’ve put here on this note.  

 

just like some day probly soon, maybe today cause, hell we almost died again a week or 2 ago.  looks now like our colon failure might well be gonna take us out by causing respiratory failure.  and we’ve got a DNI so…

 

but just like jeff hardy’s gone, the man who endured and conquered so much that people started thinking he was invincible, he’ll get thru this one and this one and this one too.

 

but he didnt.  and we won’t either.  we knew for months from things being written online and rumors that his time was almost over but we couldn’t believe it – not Jeff hardy!!!  he NEVER quits!  he’ll never ever ever be beaten.  but eventually he was.

 

and like him, we will be too.  we’ll be gone soon too and there’ll be nothin left of us neither but memories and pictures and a few little videos.  oh and things people here have written.  i’ve left a piece of myself, no that’s wrong

 

pieces

 

and not i

 

we

 

we’ve left pieces of ourselves in writing for whoever cares whoever wants it whoever and whatever they choose to do with it and whether it makes any difference anywhere to anybody or not

 

before long thse pieces of ourselves in writing will be in the pile along with photographs and memories of us. and our story too’ll finally be done. 

 

when our time is up

when our lives are done…

will we make a mark this time?

will we always say we tried?

 

 

hell yeah we tried!   like jeff hardy, nobody nowhere no how will ever EVER be able to say TC didnt try

8-7-09 – Amy… Jess-ism – she’s oh so funny – Riley passed the test

k so Riley is our 18 y/o maltese who’s blind and almost deaf.  you have to scream his name from like 3 feet away to get a response.  he can find me by smell tho.  and he’s still cute as shit.  and he can still high five and shake and say i love you.  well  sometimes.

and he gets around fine.  he’s finally adjusted to the chaos and re-building after the house fire cause, tho hardly nothing’s back in place yet, the basic couch and chairs are so that gives him his little trail back to follow in to the kitchen to eat and drink and to go outside thru the dog door.  altho he gets lost a lot now and we’ll find him either standing stone still waiting to be found or roaming around with his poor little head bobbing like an antenna trying to find some familiar waves or something. or we’ll start hearing him bummp in to stuff.  us and hom both watches him close and, if he’s gone more than like 10 minutes we go lookng for him. 

we had to train our labradoodle Grace to go outside with him to watch over him cause of three damn hawks that circle our neighborhoodand sometimes right over our house and they can get small dogs and cats.  we had to stop feeding our birds cause when we was researching online for some idea of what to do to keep them outta our yard before it hit on somebody here to hey train the big dog to be riley’s bodyguard. 

anyways we found out that if you got hawks and your feeding wild birds, stop  feeding them till the hawks go away cause they attract them cause their sitting ducks and easy meals.  and that’s just ewwwww and disturbing cause we love our birds and the thot that hawks had probly been swooping down on our birds and oh its just disturbing.  most the birds had already left anyways tho and we was like why’d our birds and squirrels leave. t hen it was like well duh cause of the stupid hawks

i hate hawks.  they so freak me out and even more so now since theys howed up i think it was last year in our neighborhood.  (we’re kinda out close to the boonies) we was already extremely paranoid about the owl closeby since ______ cat got ate by one.  sigh  so we decided we was gonna train Grace to go outside with riley to be his bodyguard cause hawks wont try to grab something when something real big is right there.  

even tho we miss eagles a lot.  them here that fronted when we was a kid used to lay on the ground and watch the eagles all the time and dream about flying away with them.  anyways even tho we miss them lots cause we aint been able to get to the reserve about 50 miles away, where they still fly, but we aint been able to get there since this round of ok well evidently we’re really gonna die this time hit oh seems like forever ago now.

 anyway gawd

i’m glad eagles arent around here cause they definitely could pick up dogs a lot biger than riley.  but we got these stupid hawks to contend with and that damn owl so we was like well hell what we gonna do to protect riley?  then it hit us – train gracie to be his bodyguard

it wasnt hard.  we even had enough brain cells left to do it ourself while we was being laughed at that we couldnt do it.  well we did.   thats kinda kosher TC tho.  tell us we cannot do something…  

all we gotta do now is say “grace go outside with riley” and she goes.  and at nite she gets up when he does and goes out with him whcih is really good for us cause owls is mostly night hunters.

we tried to get gracie to go outside with jess/hom’s new puppy Rosie too, but she refused. s he was like ok so i’ll go outside with the old helpless blind dog but i am not gonna go outside with this little irritating interloper!   and nothing we tried could get her to do it.  punk ass   it dont matter now tho cause Rosie’s way too big now for either a hawk or owl to pick her up.  she’s like huge for her age.  us and jess thinks its cause she was bottlefed mostly so she didnt have to fight 8 other pups for food. 

recently jess was like riley’s been 18 forever, like years.    do you even know anymore how old he is?  and we was like shut up.   but then we started thinking and thinking and trying to calculate and remember, and we was like well damn.  so we ended up asking _____, and she figured it back and told us we got off track and he’s actually 18 now.  so there ya go

omg has every single one of us totally lost the capacity to stay on topic?  gawd for real.  its so freaking irrritating

so i actually came here to tell a funny story on Jess.

i think it was last nite but she was holding riley and he was in a spell of oh its so obvious when he dont even know who he is.  ______ has told us several times we need to put him outta his misery and we say he aint miserable.  he is beginning to get agitation spells tho and if that gets too bad… sigh  a nd he has this week several times had his back legs go out from under him and he cant walk for a bit and that’s also like oh man riley please please please just go to sleep peacefully!  

Jess swears she thinks riley’s hanging on cause we are.  i donno. i just know it’d kill us if we had to put him down

anways shoot me

ok so last nite riley was in Jess’ lap and being all obviously not even knowing where he was or who he was.  and we had just been to the doc yesterday and jess always has to go with us now cause we cant even be our own historian or symptom teller or nothing no more (and no i do not wanna talk aboutit right now and probly not at all.  somebody else can)

anways so she decides to be funny and says she thinks its time to do a competicy

thats wrong

competentcy

ohfor gods sake

anyway jess decides to be oh so very funny and says lets check to see if riley’s still competent.  and then she’s like “riley?” (holding him) and he responds. 

 so she’s like “ok great now high five?”  and he gives her five.  woo hoo

sothen she’s  like “ok riley here’s the big test

do you love me?”  and he does his i love you thing!  yay

so we both laugh and stuff and she says “yay riley you passed! you get to stay in longterm care and not be forced in to hospice!”

funny funny

amy

8-4-09 – Amy… boxers are hella cool

i know its been wrote here about us getting Hom boxer puppies cause she begged so much for a dog and well she came across the country to take care of us and help john let us die at home so shoot she deserves her own dog.  so we first got her lucy.

 our lucy died almost right in front of the house when she stepped off the curb and a car happened to be right there and happened to just barely clip her right at the temple.  she was about 7 months old and it was a terrible tragedy to our whole fam and right on the heels just days after the house fire.  some here like me still cry for her every day and i think most  or all us gets confused and thinks both things happened the same day but evidently it was some days apart.  i donno. still feels like the same day to me but whatever i guess cause wse cant remember  shit no more

then we talked Jess/hom into starting to look for another puppy right away cause she was so grief-striken and well thats what people do is go out and get another dog.  we didnt expect to find one right away cause lucy had been hard to find cause there aint many boxers around but we happened upon a 2 week old litter just as they was advertized.  and thats how we got Rosie.

then rosie’s mother lost her milk like days later and we had to go get her and bottle feed her for weeks.  the vet said just bottle only till 5 weeks but we talked jess in to letting her have her nite bottle till 6 weeks cause she was such a baby and woudl cry for it. 

anyways i just came on here to write that boxers is like the greatest dog in the world if you want to be loved to death.  omg they kiss you till you think your skins gonna come off.  and like lucy was getting so big, and i know rosie will to, but they get so slobbery ewwwwwwwwwwwww  that you gotta go wash your face after being good and kissed by a boxer.  its funny

they literally hold you.  for real.  they put their legs around you like arms and hold you -  around the neck or on the shoulders if their kissing you or they’ll hold your face down with their paws on eiher side of it and kiss kiss kiss.  and they got this thing they do called boxer kisses. f or real its literally called that.  its almost but not quite like tiny little nips and long as it stays tiny – and I mean tiny cause they get so big – its ok but you gotta start training them young to control the power of their kisses.  lol its kinda funny

 and they’ll wind a leg around your arm or leg or when they get big enough they start laying next to you with a leg on you or their head on your feet or something.   and it feels like your being hugged

lucy would do that – lay her head on our feet cause omg but she pitched fits wanting to sleep in here – the cool place that nana’s bed is dontcha know.   and she’d cuddle up close like Annie used to. 

annie would stretch out right beside us like a person and put a leg over us like a person and i swear you’d wake up in the nite and she’d feel so much like a person that sometimes there’d be a minite or two of confusion.  but never panic maybe cause we knew deep inside it was annie or maybe cause her smell was familiar or whatever

anyways so we’d stay still with lucy laying in her favorite sleeping spot on top of our feet till like up half our legs was asleep and starting to burn before we’d finally move her over after she got so heavy.  then next thing you knew her head’d be on our feet again. 

and they are the funnest dogs to play with.  omg but they LOVE toys.  especially if they make noise or tug toys.  and their interested in like everything!  i mean everything!  lucy would literally lay there on the end of our bed and watch tv with me on my everybody’s gonna die movies or dancing shows and wrestling and stuff.  all cocking her head this way and that for the really really interesting stuff. 

oh it was so special and fun!  and such a blessing to us all being so almost stuck in this stupid bed most the time now and evidently like till this is over i guess.  sigh

anyway rosie is really beginning to get in to tv and stuff and watch with  me like lu used to do.  and she does that tilting her head thing that oh you cant stand it – no matter how bad you feel or how bad your hurting, you cant not laugh at a boxer.  their the most amusing dogs i ever seen. 

jess and cody made a video of rosie reacting to one of jess’ fave songs (which btw rosie, I hate it too).  its so funny.  i think somebody put it here on this journal somewhere.  anyways its hilarious. 

and i also like it cause you can hear cody laughing and talking and in background and he sounds so much like drake that its almost like capturing both their voices on tape.  i know he does too cause jess says they sound almost alike.  drake’s voice pattern is smoother or something. i donno but anyways they both got the greatest laughs ever when they laugh.  inside and out.  i love their laughs. 

and cody laughs on that video.  and its partly why i love it i guess cause its tangible proof of yeah i dont care who youare just listen to that and tell me that dont sound like a guy.  so whatever

anyways

gawd

so anyway there’s actually a name for that head tilting thing over oh so fascinating and/or confusing or whatever that boxers do. Jess researched.  its called the boxer tilt I think, and they all do it.  just like their nippy kisses is actually called boxer kisses. oh and this wasnt in like ANY of the stuff us and _______ found when we was researching Jess/hom’s first dog and trying to get as close to what she was begging for as possible (she’d lost her mastiff/pit bull mix shortly before she came to live with us – and our kids woulda killed us if we’d a let a mastiff in the house.  and our home nurse said she woulda too.  and it was oh man it was so hard cause some here has wanted a mastiff like always.  and a pit bull was out to cause up till recently even they was illegal in many parts of our state and even tho the mean/fighting stuff’s been bred outta most of them and stuff most people are still afraid of them.  and one the kids said ok well if you get a certified stratforshire terrier (that’s what the akc calls them now – the good ones that’s been bred long enough to get that fighting thing bred outta them) but the other one said that if we got one… oh well insert threats of doom and gloom

so ok whatever.  we got a boxer cause we discovered that their the smallest of the mastiff fam and we was like ok that’s gonna have to be close enough.  and it was..  lu anne was greatly loved and now rosie will be too. 

but anyway what was i sayign?  dammit i cant stay on subject no more at all.  ok yeah i was saying

man its gone again.  thinking

oh yeah evidently boxers grow for 2 years like labradoodles (oh the fun) and then they never mature past the maturity of a 3 year old human child.  like NEVER!  what?!?!?   shoot

yeah we learned that on animal planet on me or the dog or some show.  and we were like oh man, a terminal puppy?  a forever giant puppy?  you gotta be kidding.  but oh well we still think boxers is hella cool

 oh yeah oh yeah they do this thing of getting mad at you and punishing you.  for real.  they ignore you and give you dirty looks and wont respond to you or just do what they gotta do but give you no love. 

that is NOT fun for us here.  fact thats triggery as hell but evidently its a boxer thing.  jess said she read on some boxer site somebody saying her boxer could put a bigger guilt trip on her than her mother!  and oh yeah they can.  its true

yesterday rosie got mad at us for the first time cause we made her go outside.  see when we say “outside” all the dogs gotta go outside even tho we got a dog door and even tho most our dogs is old and cantankerous now and looks at us like your stupid i got a damn door to get myself out when i wanna.  and jess goes on and on about it and we’re like you know

we have got to have some control over these dogs cause we spend so much time alone with them.  and we just cannot have one much less two gigantic strong ass young dogs running rampant and refusing to do what we say.  they gotta do what we say.  so one our things that we’ve kept up and intend to no matter what dog or human thinks its stupid is that when we say your all gonna go outside to potty, your damn well gonna go outside

oh yeah ok and we gotta have control over these dogs, especially the big ones, cause oh man but boxers may be kinda compact but they are HUGE.  they’re like cement.  for real.  oh and we found this out when repair crews was here on the house and this one guy walks in and says oh you got a pit-killer.

WHAT?!?!?!   what the fuck is a pit-killer and just what?!?!?!?  

so we tried to google it.  nothing.  then we asked jess when they got home from work or wherever she was and she was like oh yeah that’s the nickname for boxers . everybody knows that.

and we was like nuh uh!!!!!  we did not know that!!  and _______ does not know that.  and better not neither cause there just aint no reasoning with some people. grrrr and besides that whatever. bite me

yeah ok so i still have a bad attitude. w hatever.  i dont care.  what more can you do to me anymore anyways?  kill me? make me die?  take my ability to have hardly like any quality of life at all till we do finally die? 

oh well sorry but that’s already been taken care of so whatever

anways there’s the flip side too and that’s that its good to have a dog that can be so tough it can hold up against a pit if its gotta.  that aint necessarily a bad thing

 anyway so evidently not only are boxers one of them dogs that can make themself look like twice as big (they blow their chests out – we found this out during the fire when we was collapsed on the patio and jess and behind us doing the what she calls weekend at bernie’s thing on us cause we couldnt move cause of the cns shock and we told her do not let them examine us cause they always always wig out and at the ER too and throw us in the icu or at the very least in the hospital  and this’ll pass.  its part of our disease.  it’ll pass.  and if it dont in a certain period of time or we start having trouble breathing or whatever, then we call an ambulance. 

anyway so thats when we found out that boxers can blow their chests out and look positively gigantic and menacing.   we already knew that about labradoodles and chow mixes – only what both them breeds do it make their hair stand on end when their in protective mode and that makes them look like just gigantic and scary. 

oh and they will eat you.  labs will eat you up over their people if they gotta.  evidently so will boxers.  if they gotta pull it out to protect you, they’ll do it.  that makes us feel safe.  we like that knowing

anyway so evidently its like common knowledge or some shit that boxers are called pit killers cause their the only dog (well except for the really giant ones) that can hold their own against a pit bull attack.  and i believe that cause a  pit almost killed boomer one time and if it hadnt a been for a neighbor man taking a hoe or shovel or something and beating the shit outta that pit till it unlocked its jaws, and boomer still miraculously was able to run even tho he was hurt bad, and outran the pit, he’d a been killed cause he couldn’t get that damn pit to let go of him.  and boomer’s a lab and a male lab can get up to 100 pounds. 

 anyways i dont know why i wrote that.  probly cause it was a hella huge shock when that house repairer guy just nonchalantly says oh you’ve got a pit killer.  YIKES

so all the more reason why this boxer’s gotta be well-trained and she’s like staying in dog classes all the way thru for sure.  AND she’s damn well gonna do what we say when we tell her too.  so she can just be mad for us making her go outside.  little punk ass *g*

anyway so i had just got royally kissed to death by rose anne, and she held my face part of the time and wrapped her legs around my shoulders part of the time, and i just had to come write about it and how hella cool boxers are and i’m glad we got to know them that we have.

amy

7-30-09 – Amy… more trying to figure things out – and begging – and Jeff Hardy vid on here too

Ok its cody.   i just read this.  and i got the vid she wanted on her to load.

 to some things she wrote here – umm… to others, wow amy shocked the shit outta me.  i’ve always considered her this really cute twittery air-headed kid even tho we’re the same age.   I had no clue she had even the capacity to get such insight into Drake and what makes him tick. 

i did noticed something tho.  her brain’s kinda scrambled or something cause she repeatedly refers to the song on the vid she posted in her entry last nite – that bon jovi one – cause there aint no music on this one.

  anyway so amy speaks and mountains move?  well maybe shake a little at least anyways.  we’ll see

*

*

K so i gotta write about this thing some more. but 1st i’m gonna post one of my personal fave moments of Jeff Hardy – when he jumped a 30 feet drop swanton on the evil orton.

 it hapens about 4-5 1/2 minutes into the vid as you watch his struggle with himself as well as his determination to end the evilness attacking him and his as he climbs higher and higher with orton further and further below totally kocked out. and then.

and before he jumps, he does this defiant i will not be beaten attitude thing and screams so similar to I’ve seen Drake that it kinda wigs me out.

I know at those times i seen Drake do stuff like that or heard about it later it both terrifies me and makes me feel safe cause i know that dude with him fighting FOR me, aint nobody never gonna get me and keep me to hurt me.

*

 anyways so in this vid below, Jeff swanton jumped that death-defying leap and dude everybody thot they was both gonna bite it. its so real and so obvious and you can tell from the un-miked talk of the paramedics off-camera.

here once again, Jeff (again like Drake has done so many times) had done somethng out of incredible recklessness and determination

and then determined to finish it, make it right, do the right thing, he threw all caution to the wind, refused to quit, refused to be beaten, and risked his own life – willing to sacrifice himself to stop this person who was trying to destroy him and his. (yet another thing anybody who knows – and aint gonna lie about it – has seen or known of Drake doing)

minutes of pandemonium following this incrediible disasterous moment on the video as you can hear un-miked paramedics talking to each other. they attend to orton first cause i think thgey really was afraid he was gonna die right there in front of thousands (it had literally happened just a few years ago at another event to one of the Harts, and its happened several times over the years that the wrestlers get literally killed in the ring)

so trhey fast as they can to orton, who looks dead but you can hear the parametics saying he’s still breatyhing and telling each other to hurry.

 then the other smaller set of paramedics attending jeff are joined by some of those who’d been on orton and they get him finally extracted too from the destruction he’d caused when he landed and all the debris covering him and just everywhere by his reckless, extreme, foolhardy behavior that he was convinced he had no choice but to do (yeah yet another so-Drake behavior that i’m kinda getting wiggy just ttrying to write this and work thru it.

then as they wheel jeff out about 10 minutes 20 seconds into the vid, he raises his hand to let the people who loved him (which is like almost everybody who loves pro wrestling – he’s a huge hero) know he was still there fighting to live. evil did not beat him.

 (and yeah oh god but i swear that too was so Drake – always always worried more about his loved ones than himself – sening a message “i’m here, don’t give up on me, dont forget me”)

*

See? evil has never beaten Jeff Hardy. nor loss nor tragedy nor stupid mistakes. nothing. nothing has beat that man. many think he’s so driven and determined and “extreme” -

 they actuallyl call him “the extreme enigma (and umm doesn’t that also describe Drake too?) –

that Jeffs likely to join those who’ve died in the ring.

 and you know i think part of him wants to die fighting. i know Drake does. he’s said himself many times that he’s by god gonna go down fighting to his last breath.

 anyway here’s the vid

 

 

k i’m not done. its still pouring outta me like a broken water main shooting high in the sky and you cant turn off

 amyway so this is about our Drake and me still trying to get hold of all this and corelate it to what i been going thrui for months and why?

but how many times have i seen or been told of Drake fighting on no matter how hurt,how exhausted, how stacked the odds are against him – standing true to himself, standing on his beliefs, on his honor?

takingt sttupid outrageous risks, afraid of nothing, willing to risk it all for his goal or his loves? ,more times than I can count. and for those who really know Drake = and aint gonna lie – they’ve seen this all too

*

then there’s that song with the vid. omg for real soembody could tell me they channeled Drake when they wrote that song and i’d belief it. read this and tell me it aint him…

“this is for the ones who stood their ground… who never backed down. its my life.i aint gonna live forever. i just wanna live while i’m alive.” …”its my life” …Bon Jovi

*

 i think its the ‘its now or never’ part that’s drivinghim n ow like a locomotiive, like a bat outta hell, like somebody almost possessed – he desperately wants to convey some things before we die. he keeps saying and i belief him that he desperately wants his life to have counted for somethiong to somebody, he wants to have left this world having made a positive difference somewhere, anywhere.

 no that aint the Drake many knew in the first few years he was out. and it aint the Drake that was annihilated (AFTER he had changed oh so much for the good) by them that professed to love him. but its been the Drake people here – and people that won’t lie about it – has known for years. he truly needs to leave some positive legacy. i pray he gets to.

i’ve seen my dad Drake these last few years get heartbroken over and over. i’ve seen him so beaten and destroyed that nobody thot he stood a chance in hell of making a comeback. I’ve seen him stand on his honor no matter what every damn time – again, like Jeff Hardy, NEVER faltering on his belief, on his version of “honor”.

 I’ve seen Drake exhaulant,defiant, rebellious… I’ve seen him beaten and thot destroyed more than once. I’ve seen him determined.

 he gets this one special look when he’s determined. there’s a still of Jeff on that clip with him having exactly that look of Drake on him too – that determined as I said above you’ll have to kill me before I quit look. well and there’s more than one of other very Drake looks – exhaultant, defiant, bite me. them that also knew him 3D will see too whether they admit it or not

 *

so now i finally know. i guess evidently we all do here now. why i been having these hysterics over Jeff and all he’s been thru this last year. when i saw this vid and that 1st still of the painted tragic face – that Jess says oh yeah he gets exactly that look – and the others too – outside as well. when i saw that, i just feel apart and it all became clear – somehow i transposed Jeff and my dad, Drake. their lives have had many parallels

and that song – its my life by bon jovi omg that coulda totally been written about Drake. let me live my life. let me have a life – ANY life. let me be myself just sometimes, just a little.

*

 everybody who knows us knwos that i was afraid of him a d them other dark ones (here they’re called bads by well the goods and they call themseves “the way”) that came with him after the labyrithine block got accideentally broke by drew when he got obessed there was other people here somewhere and he could feel them or something. i cant remember.

 in the end, its kinda ironic that drake ended up more or less being our system historian, system explainer – only to get his writings studied to death by a betrayer to the point that oh god when it was decided to take us down, he had just handed our attackers every damn thing about us they needed and way way more ammo to kill a herd of elephants.

we’re still st anding tho. barely and for how long – or how long we’ll remember anything or anybody – i donno – but by god we’re still standing. TC’s a tough little bitch (k and bastard for the guys i guess).

but all the trauma around the online attack that only court could stop did shove us in to end-stage, and now organs are tryng to shut down again that’s shut down before on us and almost killed us. and we have a DNI we aint backing off of and our disease has entered our brain now too – oh the joy not – so who knows how long we have to live or how long we have to even remember anybody or anything? either way dayum. just dayum

 *

 but life Jeff Hardy has fought his entire life all odds just to live his life and achieve something, since the day Drake busted out into this RL, all he too has ever said is he wanted just, as he puts it, droplets of a life to get to live his way – just a piece.

he’s never been delusional. he’snever tried to take over the body – and there’s been times he coulda took just his own bads with him and took over.

actually ironically his system is why we’re still alive today. its almost all them for a long time now. but they’re the renegades – they all like him – none of them never considered dark enough. and i aint scared of most of them no more. a few i still kinda am and avoid cause well all them is um different.

all them. Drake included. gypsy, cody, cam, ,eve – they aint like us. they’re different for sure. but is different necessarily worse? aint being different also part of being HUMAN?

*

 i’m gonna go to his books of his writings and find his droplets of a life and reprint it. sometimes my dad Drake can be well sometimes he astounds me. this person i feared so much at first i’ve grown to adore and love and admire.

and it is NOT his fault we’re dying even tho you’ll never ever convince him of it!!!! He manned up and told john everything – every thing – exactly that entailed I donno cause they keep things from me so i can defend and its part of how i do it (by being in the dark about most inside stuff). but i know John told him he just acted like any 16 year old boy woulda and he wasnt an adult in the situation, and terminally ill to boot, so he don’t blame him for whatever. but still he does blame himself

and cause of that overwhelming self blame Drake has, for a while now, I’v e seen a desperation in him, a determination (he puts it as being on a mission), to be heard. he desperately is trying to be heard and make a difference somewheere to somebody anybody before he dies.

he says so he feels his life meant something and also i think its cause its the only way he can deal with the guilt he feels over his absolute conviction that he killed us by refusing to give up on lvoed ones until they flat pushed us over the cliff into the death-zone of our disease is to try to make up for it somehow by hopefully helping or encouraging somebody else.

*

 I’m so proud of Drake. this guy who busted out here years ago and immediately gravitated to other “bads/darks”, and raised all kinds of hell for a long time, and scared the shit outta me and was well ok he was a dick a lot for a quite a while.

 but he started changing years ago when he realized himself that this whole i can’t say the word but its that thing that happened when we was a kid that almost got me and him both sacrificed and his father, our only what many systems call dark lord but we only had one so he was the dark ruler. but that terrifying damien who came here when we was 3 from somehwere with a few others as adults and been here since and oh they’re bad, and drake somehow ended up being the prince of the pit even tho he aaint the oldest son.

 but anyway after he finally figured out mostly anyways what that s_____ time was about, he knew – least I’m convinced he knows, he’s some key obviously. he’s a key to something or his own father the dark ruler who invaded our system when our body was 3 wouldnt a been repeatedly trying to destroy him his entire life.

 see my dad Drake is used to been being tried to be destroyed and ostracized and punished and trapped. his whole life inside and out’s been like that. and its so sad cause what i started realizing after a few years as he slowly metamorphsed into what he became that, like our beloved Jess/Hom, Drake is a remarkable person. andi wish he’d a got his little part of a life.

now its too late. it’ll never happen cause we confined to bed probly 85-90% of the time sincve the lymphadenitis and one piggy back horrible infection after another this last winter/spring, and jess and somebody here counted the other day a nd we was given i think i remember straight – like 5-6 rounds of superantibiotics just to save/prolong our life!!!!!!!!

well like our ___________ the specialty nurse said and our home nurse too, even a round or two of them superantibitics can kill a healthy person from killing off the good bacteria in the colon if it cant be gotten to grow again.

 that poltergeist kidwas only about 12 and died from it and some movie star a year or two did too – from the good bacteria in the colon destroyed.

 they say its a horrific death but sharon told them again like a few weeks ago when colostomy bag was brought up again to prolong our life no. no we ainty putting out family thru that. if it comes to that, we die when God says we die and how. but to die cause your colon has poisoned you to death? ewwwww

anyways they’re desperately trying t o get n ew bacteria to grow. and its a uphill battle cause we already have a severely damaged colon which has actually been in total shut-down on us before.

spasstic colon (now called IBS) was our 1st dx like in our 20′s or right at 30 or something. then we had that before this situation near death in 97-98 when we ended up having 3-organ shutdown at that famous baylor hospital where our kids found one of only like 6 docs in the country who knew anything about our disease. anyway since then when our colon, kidneys and stomach shut down we we wasnt even supposed to survive that but wee did. b ut now 10 years later looks like we gonna die from our 1st dx – colon disease now making us toxic again. and that just pisses me off and its so ewww

*

anyways so i totally strayed way off. i just gotta say i dont blame my dad Drake for our death we’re facing. nobody here does. john don’t. jess don’t. home nurse don’t. and i don’t. i do really REALLY hope we die quick and easy in the end and that we die before we forget our loved ones completely.

but I love my dad Drake for long time now and we was gonna die from this shit eventuially anyways. it just hurts my heart so bad to see him blame himself and when he breaks down and cries and gets hysterical and sobs sobs now since this the cure from all that winter/spring shit might be what kills us, he cries like i aint never heard nobody nbut sharon sob that hard after she started crying her 1st tears, screaming to god begging forgiveness of Him and our forgiveness and family forgiveness for “killing us” and begging god to just kill him cause he did it – he’s the one that brought us to this – he’s the one that wouldnt give up and quit against all odds – he’s the one deserves to die. that’s what he cries and begs god for. kill him, save us… so totally the Drake he became years ago.

 oh my daddy, Drake, you aint killed us. You did accomplish somf of what you wanted and needed to bad even tho i don’t think you’ll ever understand or get it –

you gave us all here, all us teens throwed to the front after the 97-98 near-death in those few years after one at a time –

YOU Drake YOU gave us a chance to each taste a little bit of life – RL – REAL LIFE. maybe in the sharing of it, you shared so much you dont realize that you cost yourself your share mostly. but you didnt kill us daddy. please stop believing you did. we still alive cause of you.

the kids and babies and john and jess/hom and pets still got us cause of you

 *

Drake’sdonly 16 and never fronted. even came kknowing we was termionally ill from day one and that we wasnt gonna live forever. He like that song just wanted to live while he was alive.

being 16 and having that burden – and the burden of a whole system – and the burden of spouse, kids, grands, just everybody around you being on your shoulders…

i dont care what nobody else says, i say you did good Drake. you got nothing to be ashamed of. you’ve made so many who’ve seen you evolve proud – especially since you took on what you call your mission to try to leave a positive legacy to somebody to make their life count and not waste it and also not to allow themself to be terrorized by online attackers cause there are ways to fight back thru the system.

you’ve made us proud here. for what its worth.

and oh god but the babies adore you “mister”. and the dogs adore you. and i know jess and john is proud of you. and I know Jess adores you. and i think john’s actually come to love you in a guy/guy kinda way. you really dont know what you mean to some people do you? you been too damaged.

 the truth is tho Drake your the strongest person i ever knew. and i admire you.

and now i can look back and especially watching this vid which jess has watched over and over too, and we both see you, even your stances and expressions in Jeff, i can watch this and say oh wow Drake, you was a force to be reckoned with. and i’m finally ready to say i’m proud to be your daughter.

*

 I got a request of people that knowed Drake maybe from the 1st when he was well he scared me to death and later. but i got a request.

 he’s asked repeatedly for forgiveness. please.

i know like nobody never listens to me. never. but i’m asking somebody/ies please come forward and just write him a note or comment and forgive him before we die or totally lose our memory.

i aint never seen nobody try so hard to turn around – and he has turned arouand. he aint that person he was the 1st few years. hasnt been for a long time. and he aint that person them online attackers annihilated and left destroyed. he’s good and kind and he still got his funny moments

 and omg but nobody nobody on this planet got a better laugh that Drake. Cody comes close i think. but everybody who’s ever known him 3D says that. cause DRake’s laugh comes from the soul. and when his tortured soul manages to really laugh, its infectious and it oh the words has left me. i guess that means my brains done all it can.

 i just beg again real quick expecting to be ignored like always. b ut i aint begging for me. for him.

he’s asked publically so many times to be forgiven. please forgive him before he dies or we forget everything and everyone. please.

please dont make him die feeling unforgiven.

its been years since the last even close to “bad” thing anybody could say Drake’s done. and people CAN change. so please please dont make him go out  unforgiven.

those that set out to by their own words to see our death, you won. we’re dying. can you take your win and find it somewhere in your heart to oh whatever. people’;ll do what they want. i never make a difference. i’m just the defender who can hold the front in disasters.

I am encouraged tho and so thrilled to see that one of his kids has done what he believes (and I do to) and managed to contact him just to tell him she still l.oves and remembers him and remembered his lessons to her to teach her to look to the stars to feel close to him.

oh baby, Aunt Amy loves you too. thank you thank you

God please don’t let never mind. i forgot. my brains stopping working. i’m gonna end with this quote at the end of that vid on this entry…

 *

 ”Those who dream by nite inthe dusty recesses of their minds wake to find it was all in vanity. But the dreamers of the day are the dangerous men for they may act their dream with eyes open to make it possible.”  …T.E. Lawrence

*

 that’s my closing. i’m done and i hope i can re-read this and stop obsessing and figure it out and be done with it but i’m putting the quote above thats on the end of that video is also is soooooooooooo Drake that its gotta go here…

 dont give up daddy. dont leave me alone with these that i was afraid of to die without you cause i’m scared. dyings hard. k i’m done

just me amy

7-29-09 – Amy… Jeff Hardy vid – sometimes good wins – Gypsy added a prologue

Its Gypsy. prologue time

 ok well slap me and call me stupid but Amy talked herself right into a revelation in this entry that answered a LOT of questions about what the hell has been wrong with her and what are those strange hysterics she’s been having about. 

It hit her when she was watching that vid at the end here for the 1st time.  Right near the beginning, there’s a still of Hardy – looking well tortured.  like a tortured soul.  his face is all painted and shit like he’s been doing for a while now sometimes and he’s got this look on him

and when Amy saw that look (I guess it just went by her when she grabbed the vid cause she didn’t see it til she watched it on here)

but that look on Jeff’s face in that still near the beginning with his face painted – that tortured soul look –

I’m telling you every person in this place has seen that exact look on Drake’s face so many times I cant even count.  and it always like amy said to Jess when she was yet again hysterical a bit ago after her revelation over this damn entry

but amy told jess that every time she’s ever seen that look on Drake’s face she wants to bawl cause its so tragic and it hurts her heart cause she knows how bad D wanted a life – as he’s always said just “droplets of a life” he’d take. 

she asked jess, and then I asked her too, and she told us both that yeah he indeed does get that exact look on his face and in his eyes, and it has the same effect on her

So now now what? now we know what’sbugging amy out.  especially after it flooded/hit her at almost the beginning of the vid (and them song words too – dayum talk about it coulda been written totally like about Drake!)

but when it hit amy that she was relating

oh I need to shut up or I’m gonna blow her entire  entry and revelation

anyway this is heavy shit dude.  and I’ll just say she’s grieving for drake cause he never got more than a taste of life – real life – he has craved forever.  and now he never will cause we’re dying. 

D’s gonna die, like well the rest us still left sttanding here for the most part, he’s gonna die without ever having got to really live.  and that just sucks ass.  i wish i wasnt toxic so i could have a fucking stiff drink

and i just gotta say one more thing while i’m at it.  i’m damn pissed to be dying this way.  now on to amy’s epiphany/revelation and yeah well on with it…

*

 

I LOVE Jeff hardy.  i have from the very 1st day i ever saw him years ago after i first got throwed out here.  he’s like my hero.  i adore him.  i’m his biggest fan.  i almost saw him in person at raw (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr), got the t-shirt, got the hardy boyz necklace and i read fan stuff on him

I relate to him on so many levels – he’s had a hard life, he’s lost so much, he’s made mistakes.,  but he’s also been screwed

and screwed

and screwed.

He’s been dogged. he’s been maligned.  he’s been unjustly accused. he’s been attacked mercilessly.  his mother died when he was just a kid. his house burned down and his dog died tragically.  his BROTHER turned on him and broke his heart.  and thats just off the top of my head

 he’s won the world heavyweight title 2 times before in this last year!!!!  and got it taken away from him both times like almost  immediately - the last time in literally less than 60 seconds!!!!

Life aint been easy for him neither, likeus, and some its been his own fault but most of  it hasnt – and doesnt that just make him HUMAN?   and you know, i think its his human-ness that makes me love Jeff Hardy so much.  cause he’s real dude.  he’s REAL.

just like life is real.  sometimes its real good and sometimes its real crappy, but its always real.  and you can count on that from Jeff too – that he’ll be real. 

Jeff Hardy’s like me, and well like my dad Drake and even some others here too.  he is what he is.  He’s lke this is me and I’m doing the best I can.  he’s out there in the open being what he is, who he is, admitting when he’s wrong, trying to do right, busting his ass to be honorable and upright and fair.  and i love him.

I was devastated when he was traded to smackdown like ddays before we got to see WWE Raw here in our city.  and i been taking this seems like a year but i think its probly been less of him getting smacked upside the head one time after another from every damnn direction reallly hard. 

I think i’m relating to him too much.  isnt that called transference or something?  i jjust know it got to the point i’d just cry and cry when some new awful shitty thing would be done to him or he’d get hurt or whatever.

anyway

so once a year WWE has this thing called nite of champions when every single belt in all three branches is up for grabs.  and Jeff fought his way this year against all odds to end up being the #1 contender.  and then last weekend, he got his chance again

and he won that world champion belt.

somebody made a video outta some Jeff moments – ending with him holding up the world heavyweight title he won for the THIRD time this year the other nite – and nobody can take it away from him till at least friday anyways.  and this  person put the video to bon jovi’s “its my life” to it

and omg but the words to that song spoke to me too, to us, to our situation, to well us dude.  and i cried cause no i aint delusional and think i’m really like a famous pro wrestler or nothing, but you dont gotta have exactly the same kinda pains to relate ya know? 

anyways here it is cause I love Jeff Hardy and he finally won and gets to feel the wonderfulness of winning for at least a little bit before the crap starts again

*

dude wow i was just watching my entry for the first time and it hit me hard.  all the stuff I said.  why do i love jeff hardy so much?  why do I relate to him so much?  why does his pain hurt me so much? 

he reminds me of my dad, Drake.  listen and watch and, if you know him, you’ll see it to i betcha

duh

6-28-09… lisa – tragedy so profound it is the only thing to ever compare in depth to the death of our son

in this end-stage of our life, on intensive home palliative care in a few’s attempts to allow us to die at home as we so desperately wish, we are faced with a tragedy so profound that it compares only to the loss of our son shortly afer b irth.  we have never compared anything to that depth, not even the loss of our infant grandson 1 1/2 days before his adoption was final.

now it remains to be seen i suppose just how tough are we?  is there still enough left in us to pull it together to get through, and deal with this forever for the rest of our life?  i dont know yet. i don’t know. our overall will to live has already been waning for some time over things such as just flat-out exhaustion of fighting devastating debilitating illness to live longer and the constant constant overwhelming pain even on a fentanyl pain patch.

 if anybody reads this and is a praying person please pray - not for us but for the few who still love and want/need us no matter our physical and deterioriating overall condition that we can survive and deal with this for whats left of our life for them

6-14-09 – amy… i’m on our new puter somebody loved us enough to get us

I;m laying here trying to distract us from the pain that feels like its gonna kill us for sure on my BRAND NEW PUTER!!!!!!!  hom bought us.  and watching a we’re all gonna die thing on tv.  i donno which i love more we’re all gonna die movies, wrestling or reality tv.  i live vicariously what can i say. 

oh and i’m babysitting hom’s new boxer puppy while she gets the house ready cause the smoke damage people are supposed to come tomorrow and the rebuild our kitchen people whatever that’s called i cant remember but i dont care cause i just came here to share that i’m laying here on my brand new puter somebody looved us enough to buy us and even sacrifice themself a new bed they desperately need for us – for US dude – not many people does stuff for us -while we’re t rapped in this damn bed most the time suffering.  its like a miracle almost. for real. i aint even kidding

oh and playing pogo.  on my brand new puter somebody loved us enough to buy for us so we dont lay here and be caaaarrraaaaazzzzzyy.  

dammit if jess dont stop coming in here and disturbing that  puppy i’m gonna kill her

amy

5-28-09 – amy… so there was a double murder here yesterday and Jess/Hom had another “i’m in an alien land” experience *wry grin*

so there was a double murder here yesterday.  it was a local guy our girls’ age who killed his pregnant girfriend – who was from the city i guess cause nobody knew her evidently.  all the talk was about him anyways that’s all i know

  and, this being a small town, like everybody either knew the guy who did it – whether they hung out together in high school or years since or not - or knew of him.  not that long ago in fact, one of our family members took him home from a party cause he was drunk and they wouldnt let him drive.

anyway course i knew when the manhunt was going on cause just as i heard the helicoptors  near my house, I got a call from _______, who lives in the next neighborhood, screaming into the phone that police coptors were all over the top of her house as she got home, so she ran in and turned on the tv – and saw this person flashed on the screen that the whole town here knows and the reporter talking about the double murder and manhunt going on in our area – which happened to be like right on top of HER house. 

so she totally wigged out, called here and was screaming what do I do what do I do cause she had a little kid with her.  I couldn’t even think so told ok hold on and John would be there in a minute, and she was like what good is that gonna do?  and I was like um well I donno – he’s JOHN (like he can take care of everything or somehing – kinda funny in retrospect)

anyway so what she did was kept me on the phone, grabbed the kid, and ran out thru the garage door and jumped in her truck and took off over here.  just as she got here, it was flashing on the news that they’d just found his body – in the trees behind her house.   he had killed himself. 

* 

k this is the plains – no place to run, no place to hide.  there’s like treees in the neighbors and along creekbeds – but thats pretty much it here except for the occasional tree or few along roads or in fields.  and I remembered back several years ago when that truckload of illegal aliens got stopped by feds on the interstate just outside the far end of our neighborhood – and they jumped outta the truck, attacking and overtaking some of the cops – and then all took off – into OUR neighborhood and the one next to it.  and for hours, our very neighborhood was on CNN and all them big news networks while the manhunt went on cause they’d hurt a couple them cops real bad. 

and there was coptors and cops everywhere flying just over the housetops and stuff, and they was telling people on tv and stuff to get in our houses, get all our pets in the house too cause these people were jumping fences and trying to hide in our back buildings and pool houses and stuff and get in to houses.  oh and there was police dogs everywhere  and all the dogs in the neighborhood, including ours was just going nuts.  and it ws really terrifying

i think ____ lived here at the time but was at work and John was too or somewhere or something and we was alone. 

since there literally really aint no place to run or hide out here – unless your able to invade somebody’s house or something – and then the cops got you cornered anyways,  about half them aliens ended up just standing on a street corner waiting for a cop to drive by and go ahead and arrest them afer realizing there wasnt no place to hide and they couldn’t even get a drink of water or nothing.

anyway i remember somebody here writing the list about it back before the online attack started against us  and they punished us/”got” us by highjackiing the list – and traumatizing so many innocent people just to hurt us. 

anyway i remember somebody here wrote the list that there was aliens everywhere and we was scared and how whoever here forgot to put in the note “illegal aliens” – and our friends laughed at us forever about the “alien invasion” we had.  it was funny tho.  good memory

anyway random

anyway so I was thinking and thinking, and i believe the last murders around here was like 15-20 years ago when ______’s sister and kids was murdered by her ex.  

* 

sooooooooo  (sheesh can anybody here get to the point anymore?)

Jess comes home from work later yesterday and was all talking about how all she heard all day was about the murders and could you believe it?!?!?!  and could you believe who did it?!?!?!?! 

customers and just everybody was talking about nothing else, and she said it was kinda overwhelming cause she was like did EVERYBODY know this dude?  

and I told her yeah that like never happens here and its been about 20 years since the last murders and probly 7-8 since the “alien invasion”

and how I’d been thinking about her and kinda laughing cause i figured she was there at work listening to all this goings on about it all and thinking so? since she’s from new york and all.  and she laughed her head off and was like yeah exactly!    

she said for a while she started getting kinda sucked in to the drama and then reminded herself where she was from, and that people get murdered and stuff daily there, and then had to struggle to keep from morbidly laughing about how this event was sooooooooooooo major here that that’s all anybody and everybody could talk about all day. 

 i’ll never forget that - poor Jess/hom yet again getting slapped upside the head feeling like an alien in an alien land.  its a tragic situation yeah but her reaction was morbidly funny

amy

5-18-09 – somebody. we’ll say sharon since she’s the only mom left tho we all grief. yeah we’re nuts. nuttier than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day our son was born. and died.  actually Chris’ birthday is the 20th but we were in labor all day on the 19th and he was born right after midnight so to us the 19th is the day.  that’s why Sharon’s 19 altho she’s always said she’s 20.  well we almost were.  our birthday is in a few days.  our beloved baby had nothing in his throat.  nothing.  no esophagus.  no trachea.  he lived until the placenta separated with the docs desperately trying to figure out a way to save his life. he was conscious. when his life support – us – separated from our body, our belovd baby son strangled to death. conscious. god

4-28-09 – Amy… end of life stuff – “people are better than no people” quote that spoke to me

so we’ve been pretty sick.  ugh  sick sucks.  I hate sick.  i’m sick of being sick.  sick and tired of it all.  just tired  

anyway i finally dragged myself outta bed a while ago cause ___’s coming and turned on a recorded show on tv.  according to the tv, its supposed to  be Samantha Who.  i lovet hat show.  but it wasnt.  its some medical show. 

and the recording starts in a hospital room and the scene is the fam sitting alll around this lady’s bed when she suddenly flatlines.  docs come running from everywhere like we’ve had happen to us before, and one of them shoves a family member outta the way and tells her and the rest of them to get out.

i gues its the daughter says “are you gonna let us know”?  and the doc gives her this die look and says snidely “yeah i’ll let you know”.  nd then he calls them bastards as they leave. 

then he immediately turns his attention to the lady that aint breathing and does that chest shocking thing on her and yells at her to come back and says essentially “dont let the bastards win”.  and it brings her back to lfie and she looks around disoriented.   

the doc’s face softens and he says “hey your a fighter you kknow that?  you’ve worked hard today”.  and he turns to a nurse or whatever and says “she needs rest.  see the family and be sure they dont come back in here.  give her a break from all the ‘love’”. 

and the sick lady says shockingly emphatically for somebody that just wasnt breathing a minute ago “no”!!! then she looks all tender at the doc and explains “its been a long time.  but they always come” (assumably every time she almost dies).  then she says “these are my people.  People keep you going.  people are better than no people.”

sigh  sometimes you feel so alone.  you try so hard to hold on to your faith in God and be grateful for yet another miracle of extended life, try to be grateful for every extra day, every extra minute, and especially be grateful for the few that still wants to be with you every minute they can and tell you allla time how much they love you and love being with you. 

and yeah we been told lots, explained over and over to us, how its normal for people to draw away from and visit dying loved ones less nd less, spend less time with them, cause its hard on them to watch their loved ones go thru end-of-life stuff.  but oh trust me, its harder to life it.  at least the ones with family members/loved ones in that situation has got choices.  when your the one, your choices is limited dude.  and almost all the choices you do get revolve around the choices of themwho love you but they get overwhelmed and tired of it all and stressed out from watching their loved one hang on to life, and so they drift away and not only dont make hardly no memories no more but leave the care of that person they really do love so much in the hands of whoever is willing to do it.  and if that sick/dying person is real lucky, then at least one fam member is willing to do it and if they get overwhelmed and cant do it alone no more maybe God sends a angel to help them like He did us when he sent Jess/hom.  yeah we aint stupid and got rose-colored glasses.  we know Hom aint an angel but they are to us cause they came when we needed them to help john when nobody else came.

But then another crisis hits sudden, or maybe gradually comes on and becomes another obvious life or death crisis – and they come.  they always come.  but in between they get overwhelmed and tired of it all and stressed out from watching their loved one hang on to life and suffer.  and peple dont like to watch nobody suffer.  normal people dont anyways.  watching soembody suffer is hard.  so they drift away again – until another crisis of life or death – then they come cause they always do.. 

whats so very very sad and tragicc most of all in these situations i thihnk is that the loved ones lose understanding that those times between the life and death moments are gifts God’s given us all - and the thing about gifts of any sort is that they can be treasured or squandered.  its like people forget or something the power of a few minutes of time laughing and remembering fun/cool stuff, or taking a while outta their day to do something together they used to do with that loved one.  and i think they especially forget the powers of a kind word and a hug but i’m tellin g you these things can lift the spirits of a person on home health trapped almost totally at home or even more horrible trapped in a nursing home, these little things like kind words and hugs can last for weeks or months or even all the way to the end of however extra long God gifts us with cause not only can we experience every minute we can get with them that wants to spend it with us and still thinks we’re worth something even tho we ourself just see ourself as sick and worwthless – i think loved ones dont understand that a kind word,, a hug, a little of your time, a special treat or little gift or homecooked meal or taken out to eat – any these things and so much more – such little things to you – are treasures to a person trapped in home health/longterm care, end-stage care, suffering – treasures that make us have the strength and courage to fight another day, hang on another day, get up another day cause just these little things make us feel loved.  and when a person feels loved and valued oh man they can climb just about any mountain! 

and i think and loved ones dont understand that these acts of kindness and nice words and your time is more for you in the long run than for us cause your gonna be the ones left when we’re gone.  we’ll be free at last of all the pain and suffering and sickness and feeling worthless and useless and unimportant and cant do nothing right and and and cauase we’ll be with our Lord in Paradise.   so i feel sorry for them that’s left with the coulda shoulda wouldas cause we been there, and we know it can eat you up. 

*

for us now, its too late for anger and bitterness at this point, ya know.  too late to hold on to grudges and perceived (or real) wrongs.  too late to refuse to forgive.  just plain foolish to hang on to old stuff that cant be changed.  its the people gonna be left be worry about cause it’ll all stay on you after we’re gone to Heaven.  This is the gift time God gives some people.  and sometimes I marvel myself at how many extra gift times God’s given us,, how many times we been supposed to die by all accounts and somehow didn’t.  but this is yet another gift time from God for each of us to do with as we will.  dont squander your treasures or anybody that was EVER a treasure to you.   

shoot we lay here and remember things that happened a long time ago when somebody we didnt expect came to visit or gave us a call or brought us a little gift or called and said “get dressed. i’m buying you lunch and we’re goign to the store or gonna buy flowers or whatever.”   or just showed up with food you know we love (of and if you made it yourself we’ll just bawl from gratitude altho Jess/hom being here so long now has pretty much freed us from that humiliating reactionn cause they’re so wonderful and cook for us wonderful tihngs alla time and cause of them we’ve blown ALL the docs and home health peoples predictions of the possibbilities outta the water) .  what i’m saying i guess is right or wrong (and oh god evidently we made lots of mmistakes in our life) but we choosing to live in this debiilitated constant horrific suffering state on freaking opium patches for god’s sake for you – we shouldl be long dead.  we’re supposed to be dead.  how do i say this.  i’m scared i’m gonna get yelled at. ok here goes – sometiems, just maybe every little once in a while, please choose me – even just for a few minutes,, a few knd words, a hug

anyway dammit i cantstay on topic.  point is i donno.  this little snippet of a show  i happened upon just struck me ya know.  like ok well we aint the only one that goes thru stuff like this if its actually been studied by pros and stuff and shoot even being made part of a medical show.  still sucks tho

and whatever i guess but you cant make people do what you’d do.  or have done yourself when you was able in the same situation.  or what you think is the right thing to do.  it aint your decision no more.  actually hardly nothing’s our decision no more.  anyway i hope somebody somewhere listened to me but the way it generally goes with me, that aint likely.  whats much more likely is that i’ll get yelled at for saying something wrong.  but sometiems its like i wanna scream/cry/beg/plead dont anybody wanna spend last times with us hardly?  its like we wanna cry out “hey!  I still got lots to offer even tho i’m so sick.  look at the ______.  they still adore us and treasure every minute with us.  we can still make memories. oh please make memories with me/us!  you will remember them later and treasure them.  we been there.  we know.  we promise and if even one person anywhere – whether we know them or whether they’re just sombody that happens on to this – if my gut-spilling here made any difference for the good i’ll be so happy, not just for the sick and dying peoplew ho feels so alone and forgotten, but for you if i helped you understand that you gotta do so little for people in our situation to make our hearts sing.  if it just aint doable then k then. whatever i guess.  i tried.

just me amy who dont even count anyways to hardly nobody