8-31-09 – Amy… we almost died again & Jeff Hardy’s gone (w vid)

Lostprophets wrote a song for/about Jeff Hardy called rooftops which begins with him saying “You want to know who I am”.  well he’s gone and I can’t believe  it.  I cannot believe that i missed seeing him in person by days, this man that’s been my p ersonal hero, and yeah a hero to others here too

 

 and now that unless by some miracle, i/we will never see him wrestle again -

 

the extreme enigma, the man who never quit, who couldn’t be beaten no matter how beat down he got, who pulled it outta his ass somehow some way every damn wall he found himself up against.  a man I personally admired yeah even idolized.  a person who so epitomized me, us, as a whole (and Drake here in particular).  he finally got beaten and he’s gone. 

 

ironically Jeff Hardy’s gone as we lay here dying.  and there’ll be no more jeff to watch and lift us up, encourage us, remind us we’re a fighter too,

 

no jeff to watch to remind us don’t let NOTHIN beat you. 

 

all there’ll be are memories and videos and such like the one i’ve put here on this note.  

 

just like some day probly soon, maybe today cause, hell we almost died again a week or 2 ago.  looks now like our colon failure might well be gonna take us out by causing respiratory failure.  and we’ve got a DNI so…

 

but just like jeff hardy’s gone, the man who endured and conquered so much that people started thinking he was invincible, he’ll get thru this one and this one and this one too.

 

but he didnt.  and we won’t either.  we knew for months from things being written online and rumors that his time was almost over but we couldn’t believe it – not Jeff hardy!!!  he NEVER quits!  he’ll never ever ever be beaten.  but eventually he was.

 

and like him, we will be too.  we’ll be gone soon too and there’ll be nothin left of us neither but memories and pictures and a few little videos.  oh and things people here have written.  i’ve left a piece of myself, no that’s wrong

 

pieces

 

and not i

 

we

 

we’ve left pieces of ourselves in writing for whoever cares whoever wants it whoever and whatever they choose to do with it and whether it makes any difference anywhere to anybody or not

 

before long thse pieces of ourselves in writing will be in the pile along with photographs and memories of us. and our story too’ll finally be done. 

 

when our time is up

when our lives are done…

will we make a mark this time?

will we always say we tried?

 

 

hell yeah we tried!   like jeff hardy, nobody nowhere no how will ever EVER be able to say TC didnt try

8-4-09 – Amy… boxers are hella cool

i know its been wrote here about us getting Hom boxer puppies cause she begged so much for a dog and well she came across the country to take care of us and help john let us die at home so shoot she deserves her own dog.  so we first got her lucy.

 our lucy died almost right in front of the house when she stepped off the curb and a car happened to be right there and happened to just barely clip her right at the temple.  she was about 7 months old and it was a terrible tragedy to our whole fam and right on the heels just days after the house fire.  some here like me still cry for her every day and i think most  or all us gets confused and thinks both things happened the same day but evidently it was some days apart.  i donno. still feels like the same day to me but whatever i guess cause wse cant remember  shit no more

then we talked Jess/hom into starting to look for another puppy right away cause she was so grief-striken and well thats what people do is go out and get another dog.  we didnt expect to find one right away cause lucy had been hard to find cause there aint many boxers around but we happened upon a 2 week old litter just as they was advertized.  and thats how we got Rosie.

then rosie’s mother lost her milk like days later and we had to go get her and bottle feed her for weeks.  the vet said just bottle only till 5 weeks but we talked jess in to letting her have her nite bottle till 6 weeks cause she was such a baby and woudl cry for it. 

anyways i just came on here to write that boxers is like the greatest dog in the world if you want to be loved to death.  omg they kiss you till you think your skins gonna come off.  and like lucy was getting so big, and i know rosie will to, but they get so slobbery ewwwwwwwwwwwww  that you gotta go wash your face after being good and kissed by a boxer.  its funny

they literally hold you.  for real.  they put their legs around you like arms and hold you -  around the neck or on the shoulders if their kissing you or they’ll hold your face down with their paws on eiher side of it and kiss kiss kiss.  and they got this thing they do called boxer kisses. f or real its literally called that.  its almost but not quite like tiny little nips and long as it stays tiny – and I mean tiny cause they get so big – its ok but you gotta start training them young to control the power of their kisses.  lol its kinda funny

 and they’ll wind a leg around your arm or leg or when they get big enough they start laying next to you with a leg on you or their head on your feet or something.   and it feels like your being hugged

lucy would do that – lay her head on our feet cause omg but she pitched fits wanting to sleep in here – the cool place that nana’s bed is dontcha know.   and she’d cuddle up close like Annie used to. 

annie would stretch out right beside us like a person and put a leg over us like a person and i swear you’d wake up in the nite and she’d feel so much like a person that sometimes there’d be a minite or two of confusion.  but never panic maybe cause we knew deep inside it was annie or maybe cause her smell was familiar or whatever

anyways so we’d stay still with lucy laying in her favorite sleeping spot on top of our feet till like up half our legs was asleep and starting to burn before we’d finally move her over after she got so heavy.  then next thing you knew her head’d be on our feet again. 

and they are the funnest dogs to play with.  omg but they LOVE toys.  especially if they make noise or tug toys.  and their interested in like everything!  i mean everything!  lucy would literally lay there on the end of our bed and watch tv with me on my everybody’s gonna die movies or dancing shows and wrestling and stuff.  all cocking her head this way and that for the really really interesting stuff. 

oh it was so special and fun!  and such a blessing to us all being so almost stuck in this stupid bed most the time now and evidently like till this is over i guess.  sigh

anyway rosie is really beginning to get in to tv and stuff and watch with  me like lu used to do.  and she does that tilting her head thing that oh you cant stand it – no matter how bad you feel or how bad your hurting, you cant not laugh at a boxer.  their the most amusing dogs i ever seen. 

jess and cody made a video of rosie reacting to one of jess’ fave songs (which btw rosie, I hate it too).  its so funny.  i think somebody put it here on this journal somewhere.  anyways its hilarious. 

and i also like it cause you can hear cody laughing and talking and in background and he sounds so much like drake that its almost like capturing both their voices on tape.  i know he does too cause jess says they sound almost alike.  drake’s voice pattern is smoother or something. i donno but anyways they both got the greatest laughs ever when they laugh.  inside and out.  i love their laughs. 

and cody laughs on that video.  and its partly why i love it i guess cause its tangible proof of yeah i dont care who youare just listen to that and tell me that dont sound like a guy.  so whatever

anyways

gawd

so anyway there’s actually a name for that head tilting thing over oh so fascinating and/or confusing or whatever that boxers do. Jess researched.  its called the boxer tilt I think, and they all do it.  just like their nippy kisses is actually called boxer kisses. oh and this wasnt in like ANY of the stuff us and _______ found when we was researching Jess/hom’s first dog and trying to get as close to what she was begging for as possible (she’d lost her mastiff/pit bull mix shortly before she came to live with us – and our kids woulda killed us if we’d a let a mastiff in the house.  and our home nurse said she woulda too.  and it was oh man it was so hard cause some here has wanted a mastiff like always.  and a pit bull was out to cause up till recently even they was illegal in many parts of our state and even tho the mean/fighting stuff’s been bred outta most of them and stuff most people are still afraid of them.  and one the kids said ok well if you get a certified stratforshire terrier (that’s what the akc calls them now – the good ones that’s been bred long enough to get that fighting thing bred outta them) but the other one said that if we got one… oh well insert threats of doom and gloom

so ok whatever.  we got a boxer cause we discovered that their the smallest of the mastiff fam and we was like ok that’s gonna have to be close enough.  and it was..  lu anne was greatly loved and now rosie will be too. 

but anyway what was i sayign?  dammit i cant stay on subject no more at all.  ok yeah i was saying

man its gone again.  thinking

oh yeah evidently boxers grow for 2 years like labradoodles (oh the fun) and then they never mature past the maturity of a 3 year old human child.  like NEVER!  what?!?!?   shoot

yeah we learned that on animal planet on me or the dog or some show.  and we were like oh man, a terminal puppy?  a forever giant puppy?  you gotta be kidding.  but oh well we still think boxers is hella cool

 oh yeah oh yeah they do this thing of getting mad at you and punishing you.  for real.  they ignore you and give you dirty looks and wont respond to you or just do what they gotta do but give you no love. 

that is NOT fun for us here.  fact thats triggery as hell but evidently its a boxer thing.  jess said she read on some boxer site somebody saying her boxer could put a bigger guilt trip on her than her mother!  and oh yeah they can.  its true

yesterday rosie got mad at us for the first time cause we made her go outside.  see when we say “outside” all the dogs gotta go outside even tho we got a dog door and even tho most our dogs is old and cantankerous now and looks at us like your stupid i got a damn door to get myself out when i wanna.  and jess goes on and on about it and we’re like you know

we have got to have some control over these dogs cause we spend so much time alone with them.  and we just cannot have one much less two gigantic strong ass young dogs running rampant and refusing to do what we say.  they gotta do what we say.  so one our things that we’ve kept up and intend to no matter what dog or human thinks its stupid is that when we say your all gonna go outside to potty, your damn well gonna go outside

oh yeah ok and we gotta have control over these dogs, especially the big ones, cause oh man but boxers may be kinda compact but they are HUGE.  they’re like cement.  for real.  oh and we found this out when repair crews was here on the house and this one guy walks in and says oh you got a pit-killer.

WHAT?!?!?!   what the fuck is a pit-killer and just what?!?!?!?  

so we tried to google it.  nothing.  then we asked jess when they got home from work or wherever she was and she was like oh yeah that’s the nickname for boxers . everybody knows that.

and we was like nuh uh!!!!!  we did not know that!!  and _______ does not know that.  and better not neither cause there just aint no reasoning with some people. grrrr and besides that whatever. bite me

yeah ok so i still have a bad attitude. w hatever.  i dont care.  what more can you do to me anymore anyways?  kill me? make me die?  take my ability to have hardly like any quality of life at all till we do finally die? 

oh well sorry but that’s already been taken care of so whatever

anways there’s the flip side too and that’s that its good to have a dog that can be so tough it can hold up against a pit if its gotta.  that aint necessarily a bad thing

 anyway so evidently not only are boxers one of them dogs that can make themself look like twice as big (they blow their chests out – we found this out during the fire when we was collapsed on the patio and jess and behind us doing the what she calls weekend at bernie’s thing on us cause we couldnt move cause of the cns shock and we told her do not let them examine us cause they always always wig out and at the ER too and throw us in the icu or at the very least in the hospital  and this’ll pass.  its part of our disease.  it’ll pass.  and if it dont in a certain period of time or we start having trouble breathing or whatever, then we call an ambulance. 

anyway so thats when we found out that boxers can blow their chests out and look positively gigantic and menacing.   we already knew that about labradoodles and chow mixes – only what both them breeds do it make their hair stand on end when their in protective mode and that makes them look like just gigantic and scary. 

oh and they will eat you.  labs will eat you up over their people if they gotta.  evidently so will boxers.  if they gotta pull it out to protect you, they’ll do it.  that makes us feel safe.  we like that knowing

anyway so evidently its like common knowledge or some shit that boxers are called pit killers cause their the only dog (well except for the really giant ones) that can hold their own against a pit bull attack.  and i believe that cause a  pit almost killed boomer one time and if it hadnt a been for a neighbor man taking a hoe or shovel or something and beating the shit outta that pit till it unlocked its jaws, and boomer still miraculously was able to run even tho he was hurt bad, and outran the pit, he’d a been killed cause he couldn’t get that damn pit to let go of him.  and boomer’s a lab and a male lab can get up to 100 pounds. 

 anyways i dont know why i wrote that.  probly cause it was a hella huge shock when that house repairer guy just nonchalantly says oh you’ve got a pit killer.  YIKES

so all the more reason why this boxer’s gotta be well-trained and she’s like staying in dog classes all the way thru for sure.  AND she’s damn well gonna do what we say when we tell her too.  so she can just be mad for us making her go outside.  little punk ass *g*

anyway so i had just got royally kissed to death by rose anne, and she held my face part of the time and wrapped her legs around my shoulders part of the time, and i just had to come write about it and how hella cool boxers are and i’m glad we got to know them that we have.

amy

8-3-08 – Drake… end-time scenario. we have a plan houston

i’ve been thinking about something I know Eve talked to J about, and I decided i think she’s right.  so I met first with pivotal people in my system, then went to the uppers to see what they think and if they’ll go along with it because its a radical idea/solution, something this system has never done or even thought about doing.  I’m not counting the block.  nobody here did that.  it was done to us.

Eve’s right.  its been harder and harder to hold on, keep fighting as this chronic illness/pain, home health/endstage care period has gone on.  especially since almost dying again in the winter/spring thing and now months of fighting major organ shutdown again for which we’ve refused intervention to prolong our life. 

 Our home nurse even said recently that you can only live so long for others.  you have got to have a will to live of your own or you’ll wear out.  evidently its been visible to those taking closest care of us -  home and home health team-wise – that we’ve got “the look” for a while now.  the look being this somethingthat comes over people which can be seen when they give up.  and they rarely live real long after the look appears.

What Eve said to J reminded me of something I said years ago.  actually somebody posted here on this journal front-page

“Hope is what keeps a person going. It is the fuel the heart lives on.” …Drake Aaron Phoenix, 4-05 (16 y/o insider of TC)

wow and damn but that seems like a lifetime ago.  I wrote it back before i personally lost hope.  then i spent a hella long time lost in grief and self-blame for being stupid and too loyal and trusting and forgiving and getting us into a mess that started a chain of events physically in us which resulted in here we are around the clock home palliative care waiting to die, trying to live as long as possible to  make memories with those who want to make memories with us. 

Even though i don’t think eve put it exactly this way, i still believe that hope is the fuel the heart lives on.  the heart has to have “fuel” from somewhere.  and i personally think it comes from hope.  hope for a future.  hope for recovery.  hope for mending/healing.  whatever.  hope can take so  many forms

*

but i think Eve’s right.  i think the house fire seems like forever ago but i think i remember J saying a day or something ago that it was about 2 months?

 and this repeatedly having to refuse invasive intervention to prolong our life to the point that we said last time recently do not bring it up again.  we’re not doing that to our family.  we’ve had other family members do that and we’ve seen what it does to the family.  also those damn fuckers are always infected and the patient stayas in and out of the hospital and procedures and shit.  and we’re done dude.  seriously. 

we have signed sealed and delivered it all legal and shit even.  we want palliative care.  period.  pain level within coping scope would be nice.  and reasonable efforts to prolong our life.  and reasonable efforts to kick-start our trying to shut down again colon.  but we are not doing anything else -  nor alowing anything else to be done to us.  not. 

told the medical staff taking care of us if you have to drop us over this and force us in to hospice (which we decided to decline after our home nurse/one of our angels told us do NOT go over to hospice until you have given up because that’ll be it).  anyway told them if you have to drop us and switch us over then do it but we’re done with the aggressive, invasive, “proactive” bullshit.  done.  tired.  done.  did i say done?

*

gawd trying to get to a point now is like chewing fucking nails.  anyway i think Eve’s right.  I think its not only counterproductive to our will to live (which btw not a single person who can still front has our own personal will to live anymore - every last one of us is hanging on for loved ones) but that its probably doign us a whole lot more emotional if not physical too damage

 to be sitting in a repaired yeah

all new and shiny and beautiful yeah

but otherwise unfamiliar uncomfortable nothing of us anywhere in half our fucking house.

*

see when it was all said and done after the fire, repairs were ap 20% of the value of the house pre-fire (and we know that because we had just refinanced months before at a lower rate).  of course now, with a brand new beautiful kitchen and half-house walls and ceilings and shit, I’m sure the house value has shot up significantly but that’s not the point. 

the point is that it took us years to get this house decorated after buying it because we were already beginning the downhill slide and just didn’t know it yet.  and now here we sit with not a damn familiar thing on a wall anywhere and a beautiful kitchen that feels like stepping in to the twilight zone it disorients and confuses us so much.  remember our disease is in our brain now and confusion, disorientation and other very unpleasant brain issue shit is part of our life now.

hell the repairs were 20% of the value of our house and that’s with the smoke damage being 2/3 of it – and that’s with us refusing to let the professionals touch our “treasures” or pictures.  with the exception of our original paintings.  we let them clean them because they are the experts and we knew they were ruined if we didn’t allow them to be cleaned.

but the plan was to clean everything else ourself with help.  hahaha

sorry had a hostile moment.  to date, not one single person has helped in any way for even a few minutes to put any of our fucking house back together in recognizable form.

so we walk out of our bedroom, which we’re unfortunately confined to bed in now about 80-90% of the time depending on the day and how bad the pain and/or physical level is, and we are met with

how do i compare this feeling? 

ok here’s my attempt.  its like walking out of our known zone and stepping through a portal in to a totally different house in another dimension.  and from that point on to the end of the house, virtually nothing is familiar in the main part of the house

our poor 18 uyear old blind and almost totally deaf maltese is just recently beginning to be able to find his way back around again and dude we so know how he feels even though we can see and hear because nothing’s the same!

oh god we’d have given anytihng if we just could’ve died in our familiar house with our familiar things around us.  or since that couldn’t happen, if somebody anybody would give a fuck enough to come over and say hey tell me where to put stuff  because i’m putting your house back together.  or if the only person left in reach who we can trust to clean and re-do our treausures would come do it.  but we’ve givenn up hope that that’s going to happen.

and we find to our horror that we are too damn fucking sick and weak to do this ourself.  which was kinda stupid when you think about it that it took that long to dawn on us seeing thatit took us like three years to get the house decorated to begin with.

*

anyway i don’t know the solution to that problem and i have no idea why i wrote about that because i have no clue what we’re going to do about that.  it seems insurmountable and hopeless to expect our things to be around us in our house again before we either die or forget them

I actually came to talk about eve’s submitted plan of action for our destroyed internal world.  how do i explain what its like now?  I think Eve said it best when she told Jess its almost like looking at one of Amy’s post-apocalyptic movie scenes.

like i think i said, her plan is radical for us but these are desperate radical times so hey whoever gets an idea gets listened to. and concensus is we’re gonna try Eve’s [plan for internally and see how it flies. 

given that the originals are essentially decimated with the very few wiht any level of functioning left theirs is actually the easiest to rebuild because they just have a series of personal rooms. 

But Sharon and the other two moms (none of whom are fronters anymore, the other two not since the 10 year ago near death time) are in that system, but they can still come out occasionaly and i don’t want to set them off.  especially sharon who we’re trying desperately to save and bring back to some semblance of functionality since she’s the last mom.

*

also, like Eve, and everybody else agrees too, there’s the unknown element of we haven’t known for a while now where two of our systems are.  and let’s just say that they’re the two systems one would most want/need to know where they are and what they’re doing. 

but caution be damned.  desperate times call for desperate measures and Eve’s plan is gonna be done and we’ll see where the chips fall.

*

one of the things that’s different about our system than evidently many is that everybody here, whether they;’ve ever had a functioning day, even inside or not, has a name and a system they’re attached to.  now after all the illness and degeneration and dying shit and oh hell you name it, there are way more in that category that we ever had. 

but without revealing too much internal shit, this is basically what we’re going to do.  clean up and rebuild a place for all the nonfunctionals.  one place.  radical for us.

that’ll mean that those left even semi-functioning inside will be much easier to provide/rebuild for because,harsh as it seems, we won’t need near the space or effort to accomplish this. 

*

that’s all i’m saying.  i just hope Eve’s right and that at least re-setting some things inside and some semblance of internal order might, it just might work, maybe it might give at least some of us some hope again.  because let me tell you there is nothing worse than being surrounded by confusion, chaos, unfamiliarity inside and out no matter where you are.  especially when your brain is now forgetting

for years, one of the moms, susan, had put on the fridge and it stayed there “failure is not an option”.   ok so hey we are damaged and on our way out but we are still fucking TC.  and TC was a force to be reckoned with.  an anomaly – a highly functioning, highly successful – mult for many many years.  and we aint dead yet.

Drake, never say die or something

8-2-09 – Eve… started to update. ended up grumbling and rambling. will update later

I’m laying here in our prison.i mean bed.  thinking

of the oh about a million thots going thru my brain is one that i’d really like to kill drake for making me start fronting back when thehell ever that was.  desperation move, yeahok i get it.  but its not like i’m a good fronter.  don’t eat. hardly talk.  fam recognizes me immediately as somebody they dont know. and theyd ont like that.  why can they spot me now?  cause i’ve lost my abiility to pose. 

take the abilityto pose from a poser and whats left? fucking life sucks ass

i hear jess in the other room bathing her boxer puppy rosie for her 1st make me a good doggie so nobody kills me class here in a while. a nd the pup is screaming her head off like she’ being killed.  its kinda funny.  she loves to swim in the pool but throws a fit like she’s dying over baths.  little freak

actuallyl we found out 1st thru lucy, the 1st boxer we bought hom cause they was crying and begging for their own dog and drake’ll do anything jess wants that boxers  are actually hella cool dogs.  wellwhen your not wanting to kil them for things like walking by your prison, i mean bed, and nonchanlantly swiping your water or ashtray off into to floor and saunteringoff like their fucking grinning. 

or when they slap you.  talk about wanting to kill a dog.  let me tell you evena boxer puppy can knock the shit outta you.  they’re actually called boxers cause they literally get up on their hind legs and 1-2-3 punch the shit outta you.  they’re playing.  it aint funny. 

i’ll never forget the 1st time Lucy slapped Grace (our gigantic labradoodle whos stilla fucking pup for several monts yet.  and then they fill out for another year.  and she already weighs 75-80 pounds.

she’s a monster.  and we like that.  why we got her.  and Annie.  and why we could afford them cause we got them both on sale for being “defective”.  labradoodles are designer dogs and cost a shitload of  money but people here wanted a black dog (think we pick out black dogs cause the dad bought them the only dog they had as a kid, a black cocker – so its black and cockers)  anyway so them here with both labradoodles searched and searched wanting a “faulty” one – huge, black (the least desirable labradoodle color) and female. 

anyway so luce was several months old when we was watching them play one day from our prison, i mean bed.  suddenly she raises on her back legs and 1-2-3 punched the shit outta Grace. 

oh god it was funny shit.  grace looked at her a minute like i cannot believe you just hit me.  thenn this look came over her of what can i do to this little shit without getting in trouble.  next second she takes a giant paw and slaps that pup down. and held her down for a good 5 minutes, baring her teeth at her. 

after that every once in a while, lucy would hit grace.  and every time, even after lu started getting gigantic she’d let her “mommy” throw her down and hold her down with a paw as “punishment” with thislook on her face like ___ gets of “so punish me. i dont care.  it was worth it”. 

Rosie’s 10 weeks old now and like i said starting her puppy classes today.  we’ve seen her raise up a couple of times like she’s gonna box Grace but Gracie’s already been there done that and she gives the pup this you hit me you little shit and i’m gonna take you out look.  its funny as hell

boxers are deliquents.  i like that.  well exccept for when they do shit like swipe my drinks and ashtray off as they just walk by just for kicks. then i wanna kill them too. 

i’m seeing a pattern of wanting to kill things and that bothers me some.  my people, wel my old people the OWs,  fuck people with whispers. never even think about killing things. 

and i dont mean literally kill, so nbody go write i’m like a future murderer or some shit.  i’m mean metaphoircally as in i’m 16 so suck me

anyway seems like we’ve had Rosie forever since we started looking expecting it to take a while to find a boxer but found a new liter immeditely, then got the call like days later and had to take her like literally days after the pups’ eyes opened andn bottle feed her for weeks to save her life cause i think about almosmt half the litter was sold immediately. 

i donno if anybody else that’d already bought their pups came and got them.  it was funny tho how Jess took a pink ribbon and asked to put it on her pup to make sure nobody else got it and the owners looked at her like she was nuts and was like we know each pup but they let her do it. 

anyway and it feels like Lu’s been dead forever and that the fire happened forever ago. about half left here functioning at all still cries for that dog daily cause she was so our buddy.  least she died instantly like Annie.  instant and happy in a freak accident, stepping off the curb like she’d never done before. and inthis super quiet neighbrohood somebody just happened to be right there in a fucking car. and just happened tohit her straight on with a tiny little injury direct in the temple. 

both annie and luce died so instant they both still had their happy faces on.  thats the way to go tho dude if you gotta go. still

and   time is  fucked up. its like we’re in a time warp.  yesterday maybe dont remember at all.  or last hour. 20 years ago, 40, maybe even 50 years ago,can relay everydetail of events.  but cant spell simplewords.  but can pull some long ass latin medical term outta our ass from like nowhere.   how do we do that?  different parts ofthe brain,we’ve been told.

its beginning too i think – the transition in the brain damage progression to forgetting people.  why i think that?   cause of moments of somebody here talking about a loved one or fam member or old pet or whatever,a nd they stop  suddenly and i donno what it looks like from outside, but inside its like they freeze and get this combo confused/horror look on their face with the realization that the name aint there.

fun.  not.  sometimes jess or john supplies the name and then often ends up having to comfort whoever cause it wigs people the fuck out.  sometimes the name suddenly comes. or a form of it, and whoever here can work out the loved one or fam member name themself in a minute or 2.  but dude

no doubt, we already figured it out ourself but home nurse and jess and even johnhas confirmed that we recovered amazingly from the radical and that huge stomach tumor madfe up of encapsulated suture material left in 10 years ago when we almost died at baylor when they removed the busted permantent feeding tube and sent us home to die with no food source and an abdominal abscess that took like 5-6 more surgeries to fix but they didnt dig deep enough or some shit cause sutere material from the initial feeding tube placement was left and a tumor formed around it.

anywaygod.  anyway so gut got busted open by somebody outside’s bitch fit that made drew fall out of a fucking chair answering a phone for the t50th time to be screamed at and busted a hole in our stomach.  really

i remember that so well.  we all knew instantly we was hurt bad but it was drew at the front trying to calm the situation down with somebody who supposedly used to love him and listen to him.  and he wouldnt a admitted he was bad hurt.  not him.  he’d fucking die 1st. 

anyway we survived all that shit.  then had that lymphadenitis nitemare and piggyback infections. and all that shit required round after round of super antibiotics just to keep us alive.  think somebody says 5 or 6.  i donno.  point is it killed off the good bacteria in our colon, which had already shut down on us before (hence the permanent feeding tube i talked about above).  so now we’ve spent months of measure after desperate measure to get good bacteria to grow again in our severely diseased colon or we’re gonna die from it.

suffering sucks ass.  i just had to say that

 rosie just came in here looking all miserable and shit but cute and very pink with the collar and leash and shit off to doggie school.  thakn god drake got to where he can deal wiht pink again without sending us in to convulsions on the sight of it. i’m serious. literal body convulsions. no even just inside ones.  body convulsions.  just at the sight of pink or thot of

oh whatever.  i actually came on here to grumble a minute an dthen post an update on some shit cause like i’m the only one who ever fucking updates.  people’ll just write shit and then not come back with the ending or results or whatever.  but i ended up rambling. 

oh yeah and get this.  i also ended up talking to jess.  like in a conversation.  a sentence is a lot of talk for me.  i’m losing it too.  we all are.  i think whoever here with the theory. probly drake cause he gets most of the theories and shit.  well he’s most likely to write them down anyways.  hell mayube i’m wrong about that too.  anyway i think whoever is right.  i think us left are beginning to kinda lose ourself, coming closer together.  did that make sense?  whatever it is i dont like it. 

anyway i’ll update later or something.  maybe.  yeah i will.  its my goal for the day.  i will update later.  there’s somet hings needing it. 

just one more thing nowt hen i’m out for now cause cody’s going move and let him eat.  we got to keep the weight up in the zone for our cushion since the DNI.  its all on us now.  anyway pain’s kicking our ass.  kicking. our. ass.

now i’m done for now

Eve

7-30-09 – Amy… more trying to figure things out – and begging – and Jeff Hardy vid on here too

Ok its cody.   i just read this.  and i got the vid she wanted on her to load.

 to some things she wrote here – umm… to others, wow amy shocked the shit outta me.  i’ve always considered her this really cute twittery air-headed kid even tho we’re the same age.   I had no clue she had even the capacity to get such insight into Drake and what makes him tick. 

i did noticed something tho.  her brain’s kinda scrambled or something cause she repeatedly refers to the song on the vid she posted in her entry last nite – that bon jovi one – cause there aint no music on this one.

  anyway so amy speaks and mountains move?  well maybe shake a little at least anyways.  we’ll see

*

*

K so i gotta write about this thing some more. but 1st i’m gonna post one of my personal fave moments of Jeff Hardy – when he jumped a 30 feet drop swanton on the evil orton.

 it hapens about 4-5 1/2 minutes into the vid as you watch his struggle with himself as well as his determination to end the evilness attacking him and his as he climbs higher and higher with orton further and further below totally kocked out. and then.

and before he jumps, he does this defiant i will not be beaten attitude thing and screams so similar to I’ve seen Drake that it kinda wigs me out.

I know at those times i seen Drake do stuff like that or heard about it later it both terrifies me and makes me feel safe cause i know that dude with him fighting FOR me, aint nobody never gonna get me and keep me to hurt me.

*

 anyways so in this vid below, Jeff swanton jumped that death-defying leap and dude everybody thot they was both gonna bite it. its so real and so obvious and you can tell from the un-miked talk of the paramedics off-camera.

here once again, Jeff (again like Drake has done so many times) had done somethng out of incredible recklessness and determination

and then determined to finish it, make it right, do the right thing, he threw all caution to the wind, refused to quit, refused to be beaten, and risked his own life – willing to sacrifice himself to stop this person who was trying to destroy him and his. (yet another thing anybody who knows – and aint gonna lie about it – has seen or known of Drake doing)

minutes of pandemonium following this incrediible disasterous moment on the video as you can hear un-miked paramedics talking to each other. they attend to orton first cause i think thgey really was afraid he was gonna die right there in front of thousands (it had literally happened just a few years ago at another event to one of the Harts, and its happened several times over the years that the wrestlers get literally killed in the ring)

so trhey fast as they can to orton, who looks dead but you can hear the parametics saying he’s still breatyhing and telling each other to hurry.

 then the other smaller set of paramedics attending jeff are joined by some of those who’d been on orton and they get him finally extracted too from the destruction he’d caused when he landed and all the debris covering him and just everywhere by his reckless, extreme, foolhardy behavior that he was convinced he had no choice but to do (yeah yet another so-Drake behavior that i’m kinda getting wiggy just ttrying to write this and work thru it.

then as they wheel jeff out about 10 minutes 20 seconds into the vid, he raises his hand to let the people who loved him (which is like almost everybody who loves pro wrestling – he’s a huge hero) know he was still there fighting to live. evil did not beat him.

 (and yeah oh god but i swear that too was so Drake – always always worried more about his loved ones than himself – sening a message “i’m here, don’t give up on me, dont forget me”)

*

See? evil has never beaten Jeff Hardy. nor loss nor tragedy nor stupid mistakes. nothing. nothing has beat that man. many think he’s so driven and determined and “extreme” -

 they actuallyl call him “the extreme enigma (and umm doesn’t that also describe Drake too?) –

that Jeffs likely to join those who’ve died in the ring.

 and you know i think part of him wants to die fighting. i know Drake does. he’s said himself many times that he’s by god gonna go down fighting to his last breath.

 anyway here’s the vid

 

 

k i’m not done. its still pouring outta me like a broken water main shooting high in the sky and you cant turn off

 amyway so this is about our Drake and me still trying to get hold of all this and corelate it to what i been going thrui for months and why?

but how many times have i seen or been told of Drake fighting on no matter how hurt,how exhausted, how stacked the odds are against him – standing true to himself, standing on his beliefs, on his honor?

takingt sttupid outrageous risks, afraid of nothing, willing to risk it all for his goal or his loves? ,more times than I can count. and for those who really know Drake = and aint gonna lie – they’ve seen this all too

*

then there’s that song with the vid. omg for real soembody could tell me they channeled Drake when they wrote that song and i’d belief it. read this and tell me it aint him…

“this is for the ones who stood their ground… who never backed down. its my life.i aint gonna live forever. i just wanna live while i’m alive.” …”its my life” …Bon Jovi

*

 i think its the ‘its now or never’ part that’s drivinghim n ow like a locomotiive, like a bat outta hell, like somebody almost possessed – he desperately wants to convey some things before we die. he keeps saying and i belief him that he desperately wants his life to have counted for somethiong to somebody, he wants to have left this world having made a positive difference somewhere, anywhere.

 no that aint the Drake many knew in the first few years he was out. and it aint the Drake that was annihilated (AFTER he had changed oh so much for the good) by them that professed to love him. but its been the Drake people here – and people that won’t lie about it – has known for years. he truly needs to leave some positive legacy. i pray he gets to.

i’ve seen my dad Drake these last few years get heartbroken over and over. i’ve seen him so beaten and destroyed that nobody thot he stood a chance in hell of making a comeback. I’ve seen him stand on his honor no matter what every damn time – again, like Jeff Hardy, NEVER faltering on his belief, on his version of “honor”.

 I’ve seen Drake exhaulant,defiant, rebellious… I’ve seen him beaten and thot destroyed more than once. I’ve seen him determined.

 he gets this one special look when he’s determined. there’s a still of Jeff on that clip with him having exactly that look of Drake on him too – that determined as I said above you’ll have to kill me before I quit look. well and there’s more than one of other very Drake looks – exhaultant, defiant, bite me. them that also knew him 3D will see too whether they admit it or not

 *

so now i finally know. i guess evidently we all do here now. why i been having these hysterics over Jeff and all he’s been thru this last year. when i saw this vid and that 1st still of the painted tragic face – that Jess says oh yeah he gets exactly that look – and the others too – outside as well. when i saw that, i just feel apart and it all became clear – somehow i transposed Jeff and my dad, Drake. their lives have had many parallels

and that song – its my life by bon jovi omg that coulda totally been written about Drake. let me live my life. let me have a life – ANY life. let me be myself just sometimes, just a little.

*

 everybody who knows us knwos that i was afraid of him a d them other dark ones (here they’re called bads by well the goods and they call themseves “the way”) that came with him after the labyrithine block got accideentally broke by drew when he got obessed there was other people here somewhere and he could feel them or something. i cant remember.

 in the end, its kinda ironic that drake ended up more or less being our system historian, system explainer – only to get his writings studied to death by a betrayer to the point that oh god when it was decided to take us down, he had just handed our attackers every damn thing about us they needed and way way more ammo to kill a herd of elephants.

we’re still st anding tho. barely and for how long – or how long we’ll remember anything or anybody – i donno – but by god we’re still standing. TC’s a tough little bitch (k and bastard for the guys i guess).

but all the trauma around the online attack that only court could stop did shove us in to end-stage, and now organs are tryng to shut down again that’s shut down before on us and almost killed us. and we have a DNI we aint backing off of and our disease has entered our brain now too – oh the joy not – so who knows how long we have to live or how long we have to even remember anybody or anything? either way dayum. just dayum

 *

 but life Jeff Hardy has fought his entire life all odds just to live his life and achieve something, since the day Drake busted out into this RL, all he too has ever said is he wanted just, as he puts it, droplets of a life to get to live his way – just a piece.

he’s never been delusional. he’snever tried to take over the body – and there’s been times he coulda took just his own bads with him and took over.

actually ironically his system is why we’re still alive today. its almost all them for a long time now. but they’re the renegades – they all like him – none of them never considered dark enough. and i aint scared of most of them no more. a few i still kinda am and avoid cause well all them is um different.

all them. Drake included. gypsy, cody, cam, ,eve – they aint like us. they’re different for sure. but is different necessarily worse? aint being different also part of being HUMAN?

*

 i’m gonna go to his books of his writings and find his droplets of a life and reprint it. sometimes my dad Drake can be well sometimes he astounds me. this person i feared so much at first i’ve grown to adore and love and admire.

and it is NOT his fault we’re dying even tho you’ll never ever convince him of it!!!! He manned up and told john everything – every thing – exactly that entailed I donno cause they keep things from me so i can defend and its part of how i do it (by being in the dark about most inside stuff). but i know John told him he just acted like any 16 year old boy woulda and he wasnt an adult in the situation, and terminally ill to boot, so he don’t blame him for whatever. but still he does blame himself

and cause of that overwhelming self blame Drake has, for a while now, I’v e seen a desperation in him, a determination (he puts it as being on a mission), to be heard. he desperately is trying to be heard and make a difference somewheere to somebody anybody before he dies.

he says so he feels his life meant something and also i think its cause its the only way he can deal with the guilt he feels over his absolute conviction that he killed us by refusing to give up on lvoed ones until they flat pushed us over the cliff into the death-zone of our disease is to try to make up for it somehow by hopefully helping or encouraging somebody else.

*

 I’m so proud of Drake. this guy who busted out here years ago and immediately gravitated to other “bads/darks”, and raised all kinds of hell for a long time, and scared the shit outta me and was well ok he was a dick a lot for a quite a while.

 but he started changing years ago when he realized himself that this whole i can’t say the word but its that thing that happened when we was a kid that almost got me and him both sacrificed and his father, our only what many systems call dark lord but we only had one so he was the dark ruler. but that terrifying damien who came here when we was 3 from somehwere with a few others as adults and been here since and oh they’re bad, and drake somehow ended up being the prince of the pit even tho he aaint the oldest son.

 but anyway after he finally figured out mostly anyways what that s_____ time was about, he knew – least I’m convinced he knows, he’s some key obviously. he’s a key to something or his own father the dark ruler who invaded our system when our body was 3 wouldnt a been repeatedly trying to destroy him his entire life.

 see my dad Drake is used to been being tried to be destroyed and ostracized and punished and trapped. his whole life inside and out’s been like that. and its so sad cause what i started realizing after a few years as he slowly metamorphsed into what he became that, like our beloved Jess/Hom, Drake is a remarkable person. andi wish he’d a got his little part of a life.

now its too late. it’ll never happen cause we confined to bed probly 85-90% of the time sincve the lymphadenitis and one piggy back horrible infection after another this last winter/spring, and jess and somebody here counted the other day a nd we was given i think i remember straight – like 5-6 rounds of superantibiotics just to save/prolong our life!!!!!!!!

well like our ___________ the specialty nurse said and our home nurse too, even a round or two of them superantibitics can kill a healthy person from killing off the good bacteria in the colon if it cant be gotten to grow again.

 that poltergeist kidwas only about 12 and died from it and some movie star a year or two did too – from the good bacteria in the colon destroyed.

 they say its a horrific death but sharon told them again like a few weeks ago when colostomy bag was brought up again to prolong our life no. no we ainty putting out family thru that. if it comes to that, we die when God says we die and how. but to die cause your colon has poisoned you to death? ewwwww

anyways they’re desperately trying t o get n ew bacteria to grow. and its a uphill battle cause we already have a severely damaged colon which has actually been in total shut-down on us before.

spasstic colon (now called IBS) was our 1st dx like in our 20’s or right at 30 or something. then we had that before this situation near death in 97-98 when we ended up having 3-organ shutdown at that famous baylor hospital where our kids found one of only like 6 docs in the country who knew anything about our disease. anyway since then when our colon, kidneys and stomach shut down we we wasnt even supposed to survive that but wee did. b ut now 10 years later looks like we gonna die from our 1st dx – colon disease now making us toxic again. and that just pisses me off and its so ewww

*

anyways so i totally strayed way off. i just gotta say i dont blame my dad Drake for our death we’re facing. nobody here does. john don’t. jess don’t. home nurse don’t. and i don’t. i do really REALLY hope we die quick and easy in the end and that we die before we forget our loved ones completely.

but I love my dad Drake for long time now and we was gonna die from this shit eventuially anyways. it just hurts my heart so bad to see him blame himself and when he breaks down and cries and gets hysterical and sobs sobs now since this the cure from all that winter/spring shit might be what kills us, he cries like i aint never heard nobody nbut sharon sob that hard after she started crying her 1st tears, screaming to god begging forgiveness of Him and our forgiveness and family forgiveness for “killing us” and begging god to just kill him cause he did it – he’s the one that brought us to this – he’s the one that wouldnt give up and quit against all odds – he’s the one deserves to die. that’s what he cries and begs god for. kill him, save us… so totally the Drake he became years ago.

 oh my daddy, Drake, you aint killed us. You did accomplish somf of what you wanted and needed to bad even tho i don’t think you’ll ever understand or get it –

you gave us all here, all us teens throwed to the front after the 97-98 near-death in those few years after one at a time –

YOU Drake YOU gave us a chance to each taste a little bit of life – RL – REAL LIFE. maybe in the sharing of it, you shared so much you dont realize that you cost yourself your share mostly. but you didnt kill us daddy. please stop believing you did. we still alive cause of you.

the kids and babies and john and jess/hom and pets still got us cause of you

 *

Drake’sdonly 16 and never fronted. even came kknowing we was termionally ill from day one and that we wasnt gonna live forever. He like that song just wanted to live while he was alive.

being 16 and having that burden – and the burden of a whole system – and the burden of spouse, kids, grands, just everybody around you being on your shoulders…

i dont care what nobody else says, i say you did good Drake. you got nothing to be ashamed of. you’ve made so many who’ve seen you evolve proud – especially since you took on what you call your mission to try to leave a positive legacy to somebody to make their life count and not waste it and also not to allow themself to be terrorized by online attackers cause there are ways to fight back thru the system.

you’ve made us proud here. for what its worth.

and oh god but the babies adore you “mister”. and the dogs adore you. and i know jess and john is proud of you. and I know Jess adores you. and i think john’s actually come to love you in a guy/guy kinda way. you really dont know what you mean to some people do you? you been too damaged.

 the truth is tho Drake your the strongest person i ever knew. and i admire you.

and now i can look back and especially watching this vid which jess has watched over and over too, and we both see you, even your stances and expressions in Jeff, i can watch this and say oh wow Drake, you was a force to be reckoned with. and i’m finally ready to say i’m proud to be your daughter.

*

 I got a request of people that knowed Drake maybe from the 1st when he was well he scared me to death and later. but i got a request.

 he’s asked repeatedly for forgiveness. please.

i know like nobody never listens to me. never. but i’m asking somebody/ies please come forward and just write him a note or comment and forgive him before we die or totally lose our memory.

i aint never seen nobody try so hard to turn around – and he has turned arouand. he aint that person he was the 1st few years. hasnt been for a long time. and he aint that person them online attackers annihilated and left destroyed. he’s good and kind and he still got his funny moments

 and omg but nobody nobody on this planet got a better laugh that Drake. Cody comes close i think. but everybody who’s ever known him 3D says that. cause DRake’s laugh comes from the soul. and when his tortured soul manages to really laugh, its infectious and it oh the words has left me. i guess that means my brains done all it can.

 i just beg again real quick expecting to be ignored like always. b ut i aint begging for me. for him.

he’s asked publically so many times to be forgiven. please forgive him before he dies or we forget everything and everyone. please.

please dont make him die feeling unforgiven.

its been years since the last even close to “bad” thing anybody could say Drake’s done. and people CAN change. so please please dont make him go out  unforgiven.

those that set out to by their own words to see our death, you won. we’re dying. can you take your win and find it somewhere in your heart to oh whatever. people’;ll do what they want. i never make a difference. i’m just the defender who can hold the front in disasters.

I am encouraged tho and so thrilled to see that one of his kids has done what he believes (and I do to) and managed to contact him just to tell him she still l.oves and remembers him and remembered his lessons to her to teach her to look to the stars to feel close to him.

oh baby, Aunt Amy loves you too. thank you thank you

God please don’t let never mind. i forgot. my brains stopping working. i’m gonna end with this quote at the end of that vid on this entry…

 *

 ”Those who dream by nite inthe dusty recesses of their minds wake to find it was all in vanity. But the dreamers of the day are the dangerous men for they may act their dream with eyes open to make it possible.”  …T.E. Lawrence

*

 that’s my closing. i’m done and i hope i can re-read this and stop obsessing and figure it out and be done with it but i’m putting the quote above thats on the end of that video is also is soooooooooooo Drake that its gotta go here…

 dont give up daddy. dont leave me alone with these that i was afraid of to die without you cause i’m scared. dyings hard. k i’m done

just me amy

7-29-09 – Amy… Jeff Hardy vid – sometimes good wins – Gypsy added a prologue

Its Gypsy. prologue time

 ok well slap me and call me stupid but Amy talked herself right into a revelation in this entry that answered a LOT of questions about what the hell has been wrong with her and what are those strange hysterics she’s been having about. 

It hit her when she was watching that vid at the end here for the 1st time.  Right near the beginning, there’s a still of Hardy – looking well tortured.  like a tortured soul.  his face is all painted and shit like he’s been doing for a while now sometimes and he’s got this look on him

and when Amy saw that look (I guess it just went by her when she grabbed the vid cause she didn’t see it til she watched it on here)

but that look on Jeff’s face in that still near the beginning with his face painted – that tortured soul look –

I’m telling you every person in this place has seen that exact look on Drake’s face so many times I cant even count.  and it always like amy said to Jess when she was yet again hysterical a bit ago after her revelation over this damn entry

but amy told jess that every time she’s ever seen that look on Drake’s face she wants to bawl cause its so tragic and it hurts her heart cause she knows how bad D wanted a life – as he’s always said just “droplets of a life” he’d take. 

she asked jess, and then I asked her too, and she told us both that yeah he indeed does get that exact look on his face and in his eyes, and it has the same effect on her

So now now what? now we know what’sbugging amy out.  especially after it flooded/hit her at almost the beginning of the vid (and them song words too – dayum talk about it coulda been written totally like about Drake!)

but when it hit amy that she was relating

oh I need to shut up or I’m gonna blow her entire  entry and revelation

anyway this is heavy shit dude.  and I’ll just say she’s grieving for drake cause he never got more than a taste of life – real life – he has craved forever.  and now he never will cause we’re dying. 

D’s gonna die, like well the rest us still left sttanding here for the most part, he’s gonna die without ever having got to really live.  and that just sucks ass.  i wish i wasnt toxic so i could have a fucking stiff drink

and i just gotta say one more thing while i’m at it.  i’m damn pissed to be dying this way.  now on to amy’s epiphany/revelation and yeah well on with it…

*

 

I LOVE Jeff hardy.  i have from the very 1st day i ever saw him years ago after i first got throwed out here.  he’s like my hero.  i adore him.  i’m his biggest fan.  i almost saw him in person at raw (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr), got the t-shirt, got the hardy boyz necklace and i read fan stuff on him

I relate to him on so many levels – he’s had a hard life, he’s lost so much, he’s made mistakes.,  but he’s also been screwed

and screwed

and screwed.

He’s been dogged. he’s been maligned.  he’s been unjustly accused. he’s been attacked mercilessly.  his mother died when he was just a kid. his house burned down and his dog died tragically.  his BROTHER turned on him and broke his heart.  and thats just off the top of my head

 he’s won the world heavyweight title 2 times before in this last year!!!!  and got it taken away from him both times like almost  immediately - the last time in literally less than 60 seconds!!!!

Life aint been easy for him neither, likeus, and some its been his own fault but most of  it hasnt – and doesnt that just make him HUMAN?   and you know, i think its his human-ness that makes me love Jeff Hardy so much.  cause he’s real dude.  he’s REAL.

just like life is real.  sometimes its real good and sometimes its real crappy, but its always real.  and you can count on that from Jeff too – that he’ll be real. 

Jeff Hardy’s like me, and well like my dad Drake and even some others here too.  he is what he is.  He’s lke this is me and I’m doing the best I can.  he’s out there in the open being what he is, who he is, admitting when he’s wrong, trying to do right, busting his ass to be honorable and upright and fair.  and i love him.

I was devastated when he was traded to smackdown like ddays before we got to see WWE Raw here in our city.  and i been taking this seems like a year but i think its probly been less of him getting smacked upside the head one time after another from every damnn direction reallly hard. 

I think i’m relating to him too much.  isnt that called transference or something?  i jjust know it got to the point i’d just cry and cry when some new awful shitty thing would be done to him or he’d get hurt or whatever.

anyway

so once a year WWE has this thing called nite of champions when every single belt in all three branches is up for grabs.  and Jeff fought his way this year against all odds to end up being the #1 contender.  and then last weekend, he got his chance again

and he won that world champion belt.

somebody made a video outta some Jeff moments – ending with him holding up the world heavyweight title he won for the THIRD time this year the other nite – and nobody can take it away from him till at least friday anyways.  and this  person put the video to bon jovi’s “its my life” to it

and omg but the words to that song spoke to me too, to us, to our situation, to well us dude.  and i cried cause no i aint delusional and think i’m really like a famous pro wrestler or nothing, but you dont gotta have exactly the same kinda pains to relate ya know? 

anyways here it is cause I love Jeff Hardy and he finally won and gets to feel the wonderfulness of winning for at least a little bit before the crap starts again

*

dude wow i was just watching my entry for the first time and it hit me hard.  all the stuff I said.  why do i love jeff hardy so much?  why do I relate to him so much?  why does his pain hurt me so much? 

he reminds me of my dad, Drake.  listen and watch and, if you know him, you’ll see it to i betcha

duh

7-28-09 – Drake… love always but treasure who stays – might need to make myself clear considering what G just posted in an entry below this

I was listening to J’s playlist for me to the song – “the reason”, celine dion – and had written her this comment below at the bottom of this note when i was informed that Gypsy had found the old slide show I had made years ago representing part of my lost famililes and posted it in the entry just below this one.

I came immediately to look and was thrilled G found what i had searched everywhere for over and over. and astonished that she somehow pulled our brain together enough to figure out a way to get it it on a WP acceptable format.

i cant express what this means to me- to be abel to see any form of that slide show again.  and i can see that my gypsy took great pains to put it back together for me from an original i made years ago about part of my family as close as she could to the original

but i feel its necessary to make crystal clear that i know my chosen loved ones are gone – and that if any of them do still love me – or any or us – they are choosing not to contact us before we die

because we have stated and made plain in public writing right here on WP that our addys and handles remain the same and anyone who wishes to contact us with GOOD intentions is welcome to do so.

ok disclaimer – with the exception of a couple of real nut cases who know who they are.

but thats ok. my babies know to look to the stars for me. they know in their hearts that I love them, and others here too, and they can feel me by looking to the stars.

i happen to believe though that, irregardless of age, if soembody wants to contact someone bad enough, they find a way. be a real mult and just try controlling even an insider little kid every minute of every day.   but whatever. its past. and our memory fades.

i’m just grateful to God that unless i read old shit (which is extremely rare and then i forget again almost immediately – adctually evidently we all do as part of our disease in our brain now) –

but my memories – and others here say the same for the most part – of my lost loved ones are almost all good and wonderful and happy. i see that as a blessing and thank Him. 

*

anyway i cant stay on-topic. while I appreciatge so much and am so happy to get a form of that slide show back that meant so much to me, i have to make it VERY clear that while I still do – crazy or not – STILL TO THE DEATH love my families with all my heart, and would give just about anything to see/talk to manyof them again

however

I refuse to spend my last days alone grieving people i wasnt worth standing by.

My last days are being spent treasuring the treasures WHO DID NOT LEAVE US TO DIE WITHOUT THEM.

And one of my greatest treasures is my vibrant ruby red jewel who loved US all here so much that she/they moved here to care for us in our end-time and keep us out of a nursing home and allow us to die at home.

 so since our strength level sucks ass and i’m beginning to shake all over because G had already worn us out evidently,  I decided to just post the comment I had just made to the person who in the end revealed by her character that she was the true Jewel

regarding the song i wrote i was listening to at the beginning of this note so there’s no confusion as to where i’m at..

*

You, Jess, red rabbit, red jewel, my shining vibrant red light, my amazing wonderful crazy-making J – YOU are the reason I wake up every day because it is you and your never-ending belief in me, in us here, that gives me strength to go another day and another and another — for you, for the babies, John, the kids.

Without you…

well I can’t imagine my life without you, J.  we wouldnt still be here that’s for sure.  we were informed some time after you all moved in to care for us and keep us home that we were about 1-1 1/2 months from being forced in to a nursng home to die.

so without you, there most likely wouldn’t even be an us still.  we wouldnt have lasted long in a nursing home.  come on.  everyone knows that

*

over the years, Nothing – and no one – EVER even came close to making me give you up, J. Nobody. Never.  and there were those who pulled out all the stops and tried hard to end our many-years friendship.

From the start – I’ve always had you – and you’ve always had me. even when we had nobody else. or felt like it. we’ve always loved each other – and nobody could make us stop.

forgive me please for the times I let you down. forgive me/us as our memory, our life, fades and more hysterias and confusions abound.

Know, J, oh my beautiful red rabbit, shining jewel – now and forever – even after we are gone and you have to look to to the stars for me – that though I still love who I’ve always loved, I believe the more you love, the more you CAN love, and my love for you and treasure of you will continue forever without end. …D

(ok i added a little. so shoot me)

7-29-09 – Gypsy… just like you & you don’t own me vids – if it applies to you, bite me…

7-24-09 – Drake… “Long Nights” video – (added to/ammended) originally posted on 6-20-09

I was starting to watch a movie i’m not at all sure i should since we generally make it a practice here not to watch tragic-type movies.  oh yeah, amy’s all about her “we’re all gonna die” movies as she calls them, but they’re not about actual incidents. 

(BTW we did not watch the entire movie  becuase this movie is a true story and our  T told us the guy does die tragically and she thought it would be very unwise for us to watch it because it had upset her so much, and she doesn’t have our issues or situation)

anyway so this movie is called ”Into the Wild” and the opening song just hit me like a brick and i was like I have got to find that song.  it is hautingly beautiful and devestatinglly sad – which is pretty much where our collective head is at in this end-time of our life…

as we look back, making all the memories we can with loved ones, thinking, rmemembering what we can while we can

knowing the days of remembering will be behind us one day we knwo not when

 only that it is so

whether by our literal death or by the disease process having affected our memoryy processes now, making us forget events, people, yesterday, last hour…

 

I listen to this vid every time. sometimes over and over and over.  in a way, it gives me peace and makes me feel not so alone, not so like a freak, comforted in some way i dont have the words for anymore to know that at least one other person who’s been onthis planet has felt the same way this line  “who I was before, I cannot recall”…

 yeah i relate to that too damn much – and what am I saying?  god.  i’m trying.  i really am. 

some feedback would be fucking nice so i don’t feel mostly like all  this trying and trying to reach somebody and warn people to make your life COUNT -

 and being a bitch or bastard doesnt count in the end I dont think.  i think what counts in the end is what good we did or did we at least leave behind. 

but hell maybe my mind is too far gone already and this is all for nothing, falling on deaf ears or being laughed at by people who’ve told me/us here too many times they wait in anticipation for our death.  

that makes it hard to try dude.  its like in this trying to reach people am I actually reaching an ybody or am i only giving the people who are waiting to “dance on your grave” a whole bunch of laughs?

  i don’t know but I dont have the time, the strength or the mental faculties to give a fuck anymore.  I’m on a mission.  and i have good intentions in my mission.    if you wanna laugh and prepare to dance on my grave, your gonna face God yourself one day so whatever go for it if you just have to. 

Me nor anybody else here who’s helping me some is NOT doing this for you or your entertainment.   this effort is for who might listen

*

people please – anyone who sees this – please.  I’m not the teenaged punk smart ass I busted on to the mult scene as and was for a few years. 

Hell I changed quite a while before the online attack on us even began -

doesn’t ANYBODY remember or have noticed that I basically did NOT fight back publically after the first disasterous weeks in which our entire system was just in fucking shock that anybody was believing any of that crap – and I still  had the power then, and used it, to prevent others here from fighting back who wanted to. 

I truly believed that eventually old friends and other mults would see the ever-widening scope and ridiculousness of the charges piling and piling and piling against us, but i was wrong. 

 still we did not fight back after those first few weeks of the attack (which was finally intervened and stopped way over a year after it began by some of our  medical end-stage care team taking three of those people attacking us online voraciously to freaking court dude because they would not stop even after we got put on end-stage care with home health. 

we were one of the first adult cases to be tried in this country for protection order requests against online attackers – and we lost the big one by a hair – and that’s only because, even knowing it meant we were going to lose, we did not pull out our big guns which we could have.  and then we did not do what the judge said in-session actually could be done by us. 

we just needed them to stop.  dude you just dont do that to dying people.  seriously

*

I’m off-point again.  the point is, I’ve changed.  and I’m sincerely trying, several here are, beforewe die, to pass on something important.  so important

Facing your own mortality changes a person.  you MUST make every single moment count. 

I’m totally sincere here.  Please make your days matter. 

A few others here are  trying so desperately hard in t his end-time to get that message out – although i admit not all of them because they want to (we still have some very betrayed/pissed off people here) – but they’re doing it with me some, this trying to get the message out out of respect for me and my asking them to help me in  this quest before we die.

having been given miracle after miracle of extended life, deciding to try to make a difference, make memories with loved ones, knowing that when our suffering on this earth ends, we will be in paradise with our Lord but those we love, and have loved, or even cared about, will be here still – living their lives.

so we reach out again and again trying to tell you

hoping hoping

that we reach somebody

anybody.

Life your life. live it and remember it. leave memories for others that will make them smile when they think of you. do these things and more

while you can

*

anyway I’m by God living by my beliefs and going out trying to reach just even one person with the fact that dude we just get ONE go-around.  that’s it.  no do-overs.  

I decided long ago to stand on my honor.  Honor is everything to me.  Always has been – even before I emerged – even when I was well what I was.  honor among thieves then at that time or something maybe I guess, but my brand of honor nonetheless. 

I still have the compulsion to live – and die – with honor.  and I damn well intend to.

out,

Drake Aaron Phoenix

16 y/o insider of TC – a mid-50’s female multiple body

6-28-09… lisa – tragedy so profound it is the only thing to ever compare in depth to the death of our son

in this end-stage of our life, on intensive home palliative care in a few’s attempts to allow us to die at home as we so desperately wish, we are faced with a tragedy so profound that it compares only to the loss of our son shortly afer b irth.  we have never compared anything to that depth, not even the loss of our infant grandson 1 1/2 days before his adoption was final.

now it remains to be seen i suppose just how tough are we?  is there still enough left in us to pull it together to get through, and deal with this forever for the rest of our life?  i dont know yet. i don’t know. our overall will to live has already been waning for some time over things such as just flat-out exhaustion of fighting devastating debilitating illness to live longer and the constant constant overwhelming pain even on a fentanyl pain patch.

 if anybody reads this and is a praying person please pray - not for us but for the few who still love and want/need us no matter our physical and deterioriating overall condition that we can survive and deal with this for whats left of our life for them