7-28-09 – Drake… love always but treasure who stays – might need to make myself clear considering what G just posted in an entry below this

I was listening to J’s playlist for me to the song – “the reason”, celine dion – and had written her this comment below at the bottom of this note when i was informed that Gypsy had found the old slide show I had made years ago representing part of my lost famililes and posted it in the entry just below this one.

I came immediately to look and was thrilled G found what i had searched everywhere for over and over. and astonished that she somehow pulled our brain together enough to figure out a way to get it it on a WP acceptable format.

i cant express what this means to me- to be abel to see any form of that slide show again.  and i can see that my gypsy took great pains to put it back together for me from an original i made years ago about part of my family as close as she could to the original

but i feel its necessary to make crystal clear that i know my chosen loved ones are gone – and that if any of them do still love me – or any or us – they are choosing not to contact us before we die

because we have stated and made plain in public writing right here on WP that our addys and handles remain the same and anyone who wishes to contact us with GOOD intentions is welcome to do so.

ok disclaimer – with the exception of a couple of real nut cases who know who they are.

but thats ok. my babies know to look to the stars for me. they know in their hearts that I love them, and others here too, and they can feel me by looking to the stars.

i happen to believe though that, irregardless of age, if soembody wants to contact someone bad enough, they find a way. be a real mult and just try controlling even an insider little kid every minute of every day.   but whatever. its past. and our memory fades.

i’m just grateful to God that unless i read old shit (which is extremely rare and then i forget again almost immediately – adctually evidently we all do as part of our disease in our brain now) –

but my memories – and others here say the same for the most part – of my lost loved ones are almost all good and wonderful and happy. i see that as a blessing and thank Him. 

*

anyway i cant stay on-topic. while I appreciatge so much and am so happy to get a form of that slide show back that meant so much to me, i have to make it VERY clear that while I still do – crazy or not – STILL TO THE DEATH love my families with all my heart, and would give just about anything to see/talk to manyof them again

however

I refuse to spend my last days alone grieving people i wasnt worth standing by.

My last days are being spent treasuring the treasures WHO DID NOT LEAVE US TO DIE WITHOUT THEM.

And one of my greatest treasures is my vibrant ruby red jewel who loved US all here so much that she/they moved here to care for us in our end-time and keep us out of a nursing home and allow us to die at home.

 so since our strength level sucks ass and i’m beginning to shake all over because G had already worn us out evidently,  I decided to just post the comment I had just made to the person who in the end revealed by her character that she was the true Jewel

regarding the song i wrote i was listening to at the beginning of this note so there’s no confusion as to where i’m at..

*

You, Jess, red rabbit, red jewel, my shining vibrant red light, my amazing wonderful crazy-making J – YOU are the reason I wake up every day because it is you and your never-ending belief in me, in us here, that gives me strength to go another day and another and another — for you, for the babies, John, the kids.

Without you…

well I can’t imagine my life without you, J.  we wouldnt still be here that’s for sure.  we were informed some time after you all moved in to care for us and keep us home that we were about 1-1 1/2 months from being forced in to a nursng home to die.

so without you, there most likely wouldn’t even be an us still.  we wouldnt have lasted long in a nursing home.  come on.  everyone knows that

*

over the years, Nothing – and no one – EVER even came close to making me give you up, J. Nobody. Never.  and there were those who pulled out all the stops and tried hard to end our many-years friendship.

From the start – I’ve always had you – and you’ve always had me. even when we had nobody else. or felt like it. we’ve always loved each other – and nobody could make us stop.

forgive me please for the times I let you down. forgive me/us as our memory, our life, fades and more hysterias and confusions abound.

Know, J, oh my beautiful red rabbit, shining jewel – now and forever – even after we are gone and you have to look to to the stars for me – that though I still love who I’ve always loved, I believe the more you love, the more you CAN love, and my love for you and treasure of you will continue forever without end. …D

(ok i added a little. so shoot me)

5-14-09 – Drake… FYI – nothing here is private anymore

Several weeks ago, amy wrote an entry which she wanted password-protected but she did something wrong or there was some glitch in WP or something and, evidently, what happened instead was that every password-protected entry on this site appeared to be suddenly open.  Now, I don’t know if they really were open or not.  I do know that, for the last few years – ever since several fucking traumatizing episodes to people here in which somebody here wrote something on LJ they intended to be private but hit the wrong button or some shit – only to have alll hell break loose and voracious accusations of doing it on purpose –

anyway ever since that time, any time anybody here writes anything we want private or password-protected, we then immediately sign out and then go to the journal to see if we can see the entry.  Its a paranoia thing – I can own that.

At any rate, Amy finished her note , password-protected it, signed out and then went back to this journal to check and make sure it couldnt be seen only to find every single entry on this site open.  Or apparently so.  I don’t know.  Seems unlikely to me.  I figure its more likely that she wasn’t actually signed out or something. 

But, whatever it was, after trying to “fix” the problem for about 15 minutes, somebody here checked the stats – and I’ll be damned but there had already been a bunch of hits (WP doesn’t count your own hits).  Although we’re used to be famous – or infamous - or whatthefuckever we are - but it does get old and massive paranoia and hysterics ensue because of this overwhelming fear around here of unintentionally causing “trouble” (even though we know for a fact now since the court thing that, not just online attackers, but EVERYONE – including shock of shocks even us – can say whatever we damn well please).  but nobody wants to hurt anybody anymore or cause any trouble or open anything back up so we try to be careful. 

First of all, we’re just done.  Secondly, we never intended to hurt anybody to begin with in all that – which happened seems like a life-time ago now.  

We just want to talk about our faith, and our gratefulness to God for every extra moment He gives us (even when particular entries might not be coming across on the grateful side). But, so very importantly t0o, we’re end-stage on intensive home care just to try to die at home and not in a nursing home - so the last thing we want are any more rounds of online trauma aimed at us over soemthing somebody here writes – or wrote years ago. 

we’re already down, people.  No point kicking a dead horse so to speak. 

Some here just wnat/need a place to write some, vent our feelings about illlness and facing death and life – whatever.  Sometimes we want to talk about our faith and the miracles in our live.  We want to talk about things we’ve learned, epiphanies, memories – and the making of memories. 

We want to talk about our multiplicity – and what a freaking double/triple/quadruple whammy it is to be a few teens trapped in an older woman’s dying body.  

we want to post lyrics and quotes and

Sometimes we want to have some humor here – write semi-offensive funny shit or post videos – just whatever dude.   fuck, we’re a bunch of teenagers.  we just wanna act like it sometimes.

We want to talk about who and what we struggle to live every day we can pull out of this for – our family and pets.  but Hell, we don’t even write about family anymore in public, except Jess and John – which leaves gigantic holes in the good things still going on in our life.  But there are extremely valid reasons why we no longer write anything public -

and that brings us to one of the biggest reasons we decided to open so much up (yeah I finally went along with it, even came to agree with it) –

aside from the hope that our struggles with tryng to die with some dignity might help somebody/ies else who might happen upon this journal, we also decided to open a lot of things up hoping to encourage other people who have been attacked online. 

And, like the reasoning which finally got through to me, its impossible to encourage others who’ve been online attacked if you don’t talk some about what happened to you – and, particularly, if you don’t tell what you eventually did about it. 

In order for people being online attacked to feel at least some empowerment, or even hope of empowerment, they MUST know/be told/see-read examples from somebody/ies else who’s been through that.  People who have done something about it have got to get the word out that you don’t have to be a victim – you CAN do something about online attackers.

What we ended up doing was taking some people who wouldn’t stop to court, requesting protection orders (I might be using the wrong term for the situation because our brain is well not what it was before end-stage hit).  

Actually, in our case, we didn’t do it – the online attack on us was so protracted and so vicious – didn’t even stop after we became end-stage and got put on home health care with daily aides for what’s left of our life – that it became um extremely detrimental to our struggle to survive longer, and one of the medical professionals on our case took action – with other vital members of our medical team entering in to the situation as well.  and they filed it on our behalf.

*

So, with the new goal being to make this journal a place in which we don’t have to worry about whether anything here got password-protected/privated correctly, what we’ve ended up doing for the last few weeks is going through this entire journal, deleting entries which are so full of anger, bitterness, hurt… that there’s no way to tone them down enough to open - or salvage any part of.   Since we’re very ill and weak, its taken a lot of effort and a long time.

About half the previously password-protected/privatized entries had portions which were salvageable; and, in some of them, we feel that things are said which will either explain a lot about us and/or might make a difference/help somebody/ies else…

so about half the previously closed entries on this site are now open in amended forms. 

anyway so that’s it.  you can now feel free to hit this a billion times.   just remember – we’re doing this for ourself  AND for people who either knew us “before” or might happen upon this, hoping that the parts of our personal story we’re choosing to put in this place might make a difference, make somebody/ies else not feel alone anymore or maybe like they’re the only one shit happens to.

*

Oh yeah one more thing – it would thrill us to death to see/talk to old friends again.  If I – or anybody here – ever hurt you or whatever, again, for us all, I’m sorry.  We actually remember very little of it.  And, if you hurt – or whatever us -  we probably remember little or none of that either so don’t let old arguments or fights or whatever shitty things I said or did in my past – or whoever here – or you might have said or done to us – stop you if you wanna say hey.  If we don’t remember you, or have to be reminded who you are, apologies in advance – our disease progression is kicking our memory ass.

If you want to contact us, and can’t remember our addy, all our comments have to be approved – just write a little note, and say you don’t want it publicized (for reasons which, trust me, we’ll understand), your just making contact – and we’ll write you back.

*

Also, we’ve had quite a lot of comments – which we have not accepted.  and that’s a shame because some people have commented and said some very nice and encouraging things about our journal.

As we tried to make clear on our intro thing though - if you appear to be a business site…

or if we don’t know who you are and you have not linked us back to your personal WP – or include a  personal name/addy we recognize – we’re not clearing any comments. 

*

Damn I hope this made sense.  I tried hard.  making sense isnt alway so easy anymore.   At any rate…

 

the peace-loving hippie, can’t we all just get along , Drake

4-13-09 – Amy… FYI – I’m gonna post some people here’s old stuff cause I wanna

a long time ago, Eve ran across some things that peple here had written but not posted or maybe not finished, and she posted them here as entries.  i think that ws a pretty cool idea so I’m gonna do the same since i just came across some things that people here had either written and never posted or maybe posted in one tiny place we tried to go after the attack that i think are cool or insightful or whatever.

maybe they’ll help us or somebody else or help us understand ourself better or others understand us.  anyways even tho it might be a waste of time, i’m gonna do it so here goes 

ok yeah i guess I’ll back-date them too like she did so they’ll be scattered in throughout the journal

amy

3-5-09 – Gypsy… will “tags” end up being the shiznet when they’re done? Or a total waste of time and effort?

So we’ve been working on this journal for several days.  moved some LJ shit over and closed this cause some wanted to be sure we keep things privated that we wanted that way.  I think we got that done but we’re all bogged down for days now in Amy’s bright idea of cross-referencing entries with tags in a widget which lead us to all entries containing writings on whatever tags are clicked cause our memory is so screwed.  so of course we’re bogged the hell down in that but I wanna post something else right now that jess found which I just gotta post like now cause dude does it ever speak to me!   ha

*

VERY IMPORTANT THING WE’VE DISCOVERED ABOUT THESE TAGS: 

To follow only tags grouping our own journal, click on the widgets on the right – and every entry we’ve tagged with whatever subject will come up. 

Unfortunately, clicking on the link under the entry will lead you to the general WP area with all other peoples’ entries with the same tag.

*

anyway so quasisane or not-so-sane, but SemiTame is back open for business

Gypsy

2-18-09 – Amy… This is how we feel about our children and grandchildren

“I hurt all the time, but as long as these folks here say so, I will crawl down here on my hands and knees to give them one more memorable moment”  …Rowdy Roddy Piper, Professional Wrestling Legend

*

Actually we saw Roddy Piper in an interview last nite, and he said this and it struck here at TC so hard, so profound, so deep to all us here who’s trying so hard - trying to be mom and nana and give our babies and grandbabies memories, all the memories we can for them to have to keep forever, even tho we are so sick and hurt all the time – never a minute without pain. 

what Roddy Piper said was well he coulda been us saying  it about our struggle cause we want so bad for our kids and babies to know how much we love them and to have good memories of “mom/nana”- even in our end time.  so i added it to the “life” page on the front here and then decided to make it a entry too cause its just that important.

rise8 and stuff ya know

Amy

2-17-09 – Drake… FYI – Something very important i need to make clear

I dont want to do this but…

 

Not to be the “cop” of this journal and whatever else is or gets opened by people here coming out of the shadows and “undisappearng” ourself or anything, but I’ve noticed something I keep thinking about, so I’m going to address it.

 

This journal and whatever else is, or gets opened, is for, and will be used for, the purposes of insiders here to have a place where whoever wants/needs to can speak out loud, not feel re-abused by remaining shoved in a corner – silent and “disappeared” – in this end-stage of our life on this earth.  

 

We were there, did that – forced to do things, abused in unspeakable fashions during our childhood and We just are not going to die like that.  not. 

 

the process of dyiing, being end-stage, fighting to live longer is hard enough.  and people hve a right to talk about their feelings and whatever they want/need to talk about.  we were indeed horrifically abused in many more ways than being silenced and made to “disappear” so it definitely wsn’t all about that by any means.  we can’t change any of that but we can make sure we don’t go out re-abused in any fashion by anyone.  That is what this journal and whatever else gets opened here is about because there are those here who’s part of our/their last wishes is to die

 

unsilenced 

 

standing

 

in the open

 

undisappeared.

 

Just standing, folks.  that’s all we want to do.  Its part of our fight for how we die.  we intend to live as long as we possibly can, and to die standing.  We intend to go out living what we believe – Rise8, rise from the ashes again and again and again like the phoenix.

*

 

What’s been  bothering me is that what’s been opened and what’s been written is about openlly so far are pain and loss over various situations as well as writng about fear and dying and feelings around those things.  and I dont want anyone who might happen upon this to think that there is no joy, no happiness, no good times left in our life.  there are plenty.  you just are not going to read about them in public forums.

 

See, I/my system learned in the hardest way possible that its very unwise to reveal too much about your life and your family. and if you’ve been unlucky enough to have been abused, its very unwise to reveal too much about your abuse history because there are people out there with evil souls who will – at their times and discretions – use it, bastardize it, twist it, broadcast it, torment you, stalk, threaten, terrorize… 

 

So if nobody anywhere learns anything from TC, please learn this – be careful online and in whatever ways you live your online life and the associations with people you meet in that manner

*

 

ok that’s enough.  i think i made my point. 

 

all I’m saying is that just because we aren’t writing publicly about the happy and wonderful things about our life anymore -

 

and there will be no isms either for instance…

 

that doesn’t mean they aren’t happening.  they are.   We are blessed in many ways and very grateful to God and those who truly do love us in this end-time of our life.

 

that’s all i have to say

 

drake

2-1-09 – Drake… FYI – My disclaimer – and my thoughts on this whole TC opening things up matter

 

NOTE:  Ok well, after looking over what G and Jess worked on for hours yesterday to start opening things up agan – like every single pro and expert has told us to do because we made our stand, called the bluffs, “won” in a way (there’s more than one way to win, remember) and have proven we have NOTHING to fear but psycho raging mouths – so we don’t die feeling like we’re silenced and stuck in a corner.  anyway, I was reading last night some of what had already been opened (over on LJ) and ready to be open (on WP – keeping in mind that the vast majority of the journal was printed and deleted and is gone from over a year ago)…

 

and I was so fucking appalled to discover that the vast majority of what’s already been opened, and what’s set to be, just so happens to be MY writings that I had a massive panic attack.  My poor J had to deal with me for hours, going off like a girl, having a quite impressive panic attack i might add.  But she reasoned with me, and I slept on it – and, as usual, she was right so

 

anyway so why did I have a panic attack?  Well, because we’ve had in-fighting here for months about whether or not to stay silent and in the background or not as we die -

 

and I’ve been firmly on the NOT openig anything back up side.  I feel completely responsible for everything bad, devastating, life-altering, putting us in to his end-stage/terminal position God knows how many years before we would have reached this point because of my inability, refusal, to give up  on a situation made me the primary target of the vicious attack on us – and I have no desire nor plan to do or say anything ever again to make things worse on my people and family.

 

But, I’m tired of fighting over it, and I do agree that we have a right to choose how we die as much as possible – and I also don’t want to die dealing with the childhood triggers of being “disappeared” and “hiding” in attempts not to be noticed so maybe not get attacked.  So whatever ok. 

 

I am however, as stated, not happy that most of the shit being opened happens to be mine.  Like Jess pointed out though, my stuff is mostly “me” type writings – philosophical, trying to figure feelings out, dealing with pain and hurt – whereas most of what other insiders here have written is so full of anger and shit that, if opened, would just make certain people go off again. – and since there is NO intention here of fighting or whatever, what would be the point of that? 

 

 

Oh yeah btw, I know I don’t really sound like myself.  None of us do anymore.  and my ability to stay on-topic is virtually gone.  Plus, I’ve written virtually nothing in oh hell like forever.  Maybe this will help me too though and I can at least start writing about my feelings about dying and life and shit again.  who knows? 

 

 

Anyway so months ago I wrote this thing below.  we’d already had huge internal battles for a long time over the issue, and I was giving in and gonna post this below and let people here open up what they wanna.  However, fate stepped in again and we were stricken before thanksgiving with some weird unusual (of course) illness that could’ve killed us – and we’ve been sick and through hell since – so this all got put on the back  burner. 

 

Just this last week, we’ve started feeling some better again – beat the strange potentially deadly illnes, and gaining some strength.  So yeah of course immediately G and some others here have to be immediately all over the issue of wanting to open shit up again.  So whatever.  Ok.  I give.  Open it.

 

 this is however my personal disclaimer.  Just like I had little to do with a LOT of what happened to our system – although I was blamed for it all - this is not my idea, and I’ve fought it.  however, read below because I do understand, and agree, with the need, the right, to choose how we die as close as possible…

 

 

 

I don’t know how many people know, or care, that my system, TC, is terminally ill.  We have had an illness for years that we knew would eventually result in our death, but its here and real now.  has been for a couple of years now.  We have home health, the long-term care part of hospice (thats where they put you in our state if you “require nursing home-level care” but have a chance of living more than what they predict to be six months and have someone/s at home to take care of you).  The object is to keep people out of nursing home as long as possible and, hopefully, allow them to die at home. 

 

We have nurses, an aide half the day, all sorts of medical pros coming in and out of our house like a revolving door.  We are stsruggling to die at home.   we’re on an opiate  patch around the clock to keep the pain at a bearable level.  well mostly.  and i think aabout 16-17 meds altogether.  hell i don’t know.  to damn many

 

oh yeah, we’re all going to seem different now because we took a bad hit in our brain from the anesthetic of the last massive surgery almost a year ago when they removed just about everything inside us that they could.   since then our cognitive situation has been steadily deteriorating.  cant keep thoughts on track, get confused easily and often, can’t type for shit anymore.  also can’t remember shit – and that’s probably best from what i do remember of some things.  

 

anyway i’ve been doing a lot of thinking and i know a few here are hopping to write and express themselves again so, you know what?  ok. 

 

hell why not?  we were literally thrown into the fire, roasted in it, fried to a crisp – and STILL rose out of the ashes. and stood up for ourself through the system.   we’ve proven we truly are like the phoenix (the last name I and a few others here have always had and that more adopted) because we rise again and again, no matter what .  Rise8 and TC are synonymous.  we have as much right as anybody else to well its like this 

 

 

There’s a line from an old movie chics here love “nobody puts Baby in a corner”.  hokey yeah ok, but that line has been playing in my head for a long time now and I guess that quote kinda says it in a nutshell about me, about how I feel about what happened to us/my system.  I’m not speaking for others here -  just myself.  And I personally will not go out of this world, this life

 

 ok i’ll say it straight…

 

 

I’ve got no intention of causig trouble in any way.  I just refuse to die standing in the corner my system found ourself shoved in to iin the process of just trying to get the hell out of the way of haters so we could die in peace.  I intend to die in the open, unsquashed, and un-intimidated - surrounded by those who truly love us and want to spend our last days with us.

 

  i don’t have time or energy or suffifenct memory left to deal with haters or to hate anybody myself.  i’m all done hating.  its exhausting and i dont intend to shorten our life anymore from dealing with stress of stupid shit

 

in the end, we all have the choice to be mad, stay mad, die mad.  or not.  i choose not.  And i really hope that we’re just left alone.

 

Anybody/ies who thinks there’s even the remotest chance of drama, so will check our sites obesssively, is gonna be disappointed.  Although if anybody/ies here decides they want to open things up, or say whatever, that’s their business – not mine.  I can’t remember what I did yesterday much less be sure what I’m going to do or say tomorrow.  I kinda doubt they will, but if they do, they do.  And if them who did so before decide to stomp boundaries again, we’ve shown there are limitations to how far we will be pushed.

 

but I’m done trying to stop people here, quiet insiders, stay out of the way out of fear of those who get off on attacking dying people and saying ridiculous, outlandish crap and accusations.  I don’t have the time or energy to deal with, or to read, or to hear about, crap-spewing.  so whatever 

 

 

What have people in my system said from day one?  Sometimes, life simply comes down to standing – just stand.  and I just intend to stand.  I’m going to by God, and with God, die standing.  that’s all.  people can respect that, or can bite me.  I don’t really care which any more

 

I intend to talk if I want to, say what I want to, let people here open up sites – which so much time, effort and love have been put in to that, to us here anyway, they are pieces of art…  if I want to.  I came in to this real world with my head up and, by God, I’m going out the same way. 

 

 

So what am I doing then?  dude seriously i’m just exterting my right to freedom of speech, and freedom of expression.  I want myself, and whoever else here might want to, to spend this last period of our life unquashed, not silenced, and out of the corner. 

 

I personally prefer the wordpress forum so any writing i, and probably whoever here chooses to do, will be here at wordpress or on one of our myspaces.  I’m undecided about what all i’m opening, and i have no clue what others here might open.   

 

i think poeple will find that what me and others here have to say now and for however long we have will be feeling shit, thoughts on living and dying, what it feels like to be for instance a teenaged guy in a dyingn o lder female’s body,w hat it feels like to have your life and memory melt away. 

 

maybe something somebody here has to say will help somebody else, mult or not, to deal if they too are facing the end of their lives or if they are overwhelmed and just done with being trapped in somebody else’s body or whatever. 

 

maybe what i, or who3ever here says, will mean nothing to anybody.  don’t know.  don’t care anymore unless its positive.   this isn’t about trying to convince anybody of anything about me or my system or anything like that or negative at all.  I’m done trying to be understood and being a damn fool for people.

 

I’m just gonna be me again – the original me, the Drake who busted out here saying and doing what I wanted and not giving a fuck whether people liked it or not.  giving a fuck just gets your heart broke

 

 

 

“Those who hate you only win if you hate them back” …Richard Nixon

 

I’m done hating.  A result of our degenerating memory is that I don’t remember most of it anymore anyway.  And like I think I said above – that’s probably a good thing.

 

Drake

1-29-09 – LJ – Drake… FYI – Like the phoenix, TC is rising again “from the ashes”

 

Rise8

11-29-07 – LJ – Gypsy… FYI – Some times its more important if, and how, you stand up for yourself than if you “win”

I’m giving no details, but on 11-27-07, we attempted to get protection orders from three individuals in the mult community.  We were unsuccessful, but lost the biggest one by a hair. 

 

I am writing this on behalf of my system for a few reasons…

 

 

1 - As various people here attempted to forewarn certain individuals repeatedly because they were so loved that, if they did not cease, due to our dire medical circumstances, the situation could likely be taken out of our hands by any of the health professionals surrounding us (we are now in a desperate fight for our life for over a year now, with Home Health and an aide).  We did our damnest to warn loved ones that they might take action whether we wanted them to or not.  One of the most maligned persons of this place, Sharon cried and begged a number of times to medical professionals not to take action. 

 

WE DID NOT TURN ANYONE IN.  It was one of the medical professionals around us who did take the action, still over our objections and with Sharon crying and begging no.  It was done over our heads because the legal responsibility of the medical persons around us now is to save/prolong our life – not to protect people we love and keep forgiving when they track us down and/or contact us over and over to draw us in, only to be attacked again.  From the point of which one of the medical professionals surrounding us, attempting to save/prolong our life, did turn the situation in, we had no choice but to do as we were instructed to do. 

 

 

2 – To point out that we have kept Drake’s word and not attacked nor fought with anyone in public for over a year.  When persons of this place, Drake and Sharon, made public apologies last year to anyone they had ever hurt, or been part of hurting, in the past, they meant it.  When Drake promised on behalf of this overall system, that we would NEVER engage in public fighting and warfare with particular loved ones again, he meant it. 

 

When a person/s is truly sorry for wrongs they’ve done in the past, they show it by their behavior. Trust me, there have been MANY times in this past 1+ years in which its been all we could do not to fire back publicly - or at least attempt to defend ourself.  But, we haven’t.  And we don’t intend to start now. 

 

Again, on behalf of my system, we apologize to anyone anybody here has ever publicly hurt – whether during arguments or flame wars or confrontations of whatever sort – whether hurting someone by writing publicly about our pain and distress – by whatever means, we are deeply sorry.  And, we have proven it by our public behavior this past year of NOT fighting publicly no matter what. 

 

Again, when Drake said last year we would engage in these things no more, he  meant it on behalf of us all here because he is so highly respected by us that we honor his wishes in this regard.

 

 

3 – We are writing this to encourage anyone who has been stalked and/or harrassed, threatened, slandered, terrorized, been accused of horrific things… that you don’t have to “fight back” online – as our attackers have repeatedly dared us to do since we swore to do no more.  And, you don’t have to stay defeated and hide, traumatized, if you cannot get the situation resolved over a reasonable period of time.  You can stand up for yourself through the system – which is what we did – albeit only after we were forced to. 

 

 

4 - Tho we “lost” on 11-27-07, we “won” cause we were told that every single one of these cases across the country which happens now – win or lose – goes in to the pile toward making laws for adults, governing the internet, to tame the wild west atmosphere – as has finally fairily recently been achieved to protect children. 

 

 

5 – Drake – the most maligned and attacked person of this place - was NO part of ANY of this victim protection situation.  None.  Zero.  Zip.  Nada.  He is too destroyed by his personal losses - both of his family, and of the sudden recent death of his dog.  And, he is too damaged by his absolute conviction that he is completely to blame for everything.  No one is ever completely to blame for everything, but there’s no convincing him of that.

 

 

6 - Following directions for these past months since a medical professional in the group of them which is attempting to save and prolong our life because, due to our dire physical condition, it took us months to gather the information required of us, then a couple more months to go thru the process -

 

but following ALL directions from the authorities from the time one of our medical caregivers turned the situation in, we closed everything, and have stayed out of sight.  Now, we are taking our life back.

 

We are lonely.  We are disabled, and homebound.  We miss interacting with friends, playing games, having a social life.  For years, our social life was the internet. 

 

Besides, we refuse to be “disappeared” any longer.  Virtually all of us who front now are triggered as hell by the whole hiding/being disappeared thing, and will not continue to live this way. 

 

So…

 

We are opening our account back up cause it has deep personal meaning to us, and we will not give it up.

 

We are re-opening the Rise8 MySpace - altered in to a public version. 

 

If and when we choose to, we will write what we want to write in public. 

 

We are opening Pogo back up so that we are not invisible. 

 

We may re-install Yahoo messenger, altho haven’t decided on that one yet since all us were uncomfortable with Yahoo cause of the no-sound thing, and we only did that for one very loved child – and she was taken from her father. 

 

We are removing the tracker from the Rise8 MySpace – partly cause we find those things freaky, and secondly cause using one just for the while we did proved our point.  Anyone who wishes to view it whenever, go for it.  Going to a public site, or a public journal is NOT stalking.  If you wish to view it, do it.

 

 

If persons wish to contact us with good intentions, it is well-known where TC resides on the internet. 

 

If persons contact us with negative intentions, do not expect your mail to even be opened.  If we open it, and are duped, and it is negative/attacking of us, expect it to be forwarded to the authorities. 

 

If you IM, and we do not recognize your handle, or believe you are IMing with negative intentions, you will be blocked.

 

 

We have made our point.  Sometimes, what appears to the eye is not what is.  We have not cowered and run out of “guilt” or “fear”.  We have been fighting for our life.  And, we have stood for what, and who, we believed in this entire time.  We have kept our word to never engage in online attacking or fighting of any sort again.  We have stood up for ourself in concordance with the direction of the medical professionals caring for us. 

 

 

One last point… I said that Drake was NO part of any of this victim protection thing, and that is the God’s truth.  Sharon (whom someone said last year “if Sharon is a protector, I am a fairy”), Cody, a few others, and I did what was required of us once the situation was taken out of our hands.  Why?  Cause we had no choice – the choice was taken from us by those who would not stop – and cause there are people who truly love us, need us, want us - and we intend to live every single second God will give us for them.

 

 

Oh there is one last thing.  One thing we must say.  We have a right to say this.

 

We find it deeply disturbing that a person who claims to hate us so, and has been so open and wild and voracious in her attacks and claims against us, is naming her daughter a female version of our deceased son’s name, which everyone who knows us well knows what it is. 

 

And, to make it more disturbing, the child’s middle name will be a version of our dog, who was known personally by this person - which yeah she was all our dog and loved us all, but EVERYBODY knew that was Drake’s dog - our beloved Annie, not yet even 3, who died recently within weeks of the onset of symptoms and diagnosis from, ironically enough since she was so tied to Drake, cancer of the heart and lungs.  

 

Gypsy Phoenix, Co-Leader with Cody Phoenix

Renegades

TC/The Collective

11-12-07 – Eve… k so i’m bored, too weak to do shit, too stressed to just lay here and watch tv, so…

there’s a whole shitload of old entries that different people started on and never finished in that waiting to be sent folder, so I’m sending em.  Yeah I know G deleted the old journal and shit, and thats where most the figuring shit out, suspicions, hurts and feelings and other shit was, but whatever.  I’m bored so I’m gonna date these when they was last worked on and put them here

Eve