8-31-09 – Amy… we almost died again & Jeff Hardy’s gone (w vid)

Lostprophets wrote a song for/about Jeff Hardy called rooftops which begins with him saying “You want to know who I am”.  well he’s gone and I can’t believe  it.  I cannot believe that i missed seeing him in person by days, this man that’s been my p ersonal hero, and yeah a hero to others here too

 

 and now that unless by some miracle, i/we will never see him wrestle again -

 

the extreme enigma, the man who never quit, who couldn’t be beaten no matter how beat down he got, who pulled it outta his ass somehow some way every damn wall he found himself up against.  a man I personally admired yeah even idolized.  a person who so epitomized me, us, as a whole (and Drake here in particular).  he finally got beaten and he’s gone. 

 

ironically Jeff Hardy’s gone as we lay here dying.  and there’ll be no more jeff to watch and lift us up, encourage us, remind us we’re a fighter too,

 

no jeff to watch to remind us don’t let NOTHIN beat you. 

 

all there’ll be are memories and videos and such like the one i’ve put here on this note.  

 

just like some day probly soon, maybe today cause, hell we almost died again a week or 2 ago.  looks now like our colon failure might well be gonna take us out by causing respiratory failure.  and we’ve got a DNI so…

 

but just like jeff hardy’s gone, the man who endured and conquered so much that people started thinking he was invincible, he’ll get thru this one and this one and this one too.

 

but he didnt.  and we won’t either.  we knew for months from things being written online and rumors that his time was almost over but we couldn’t believe it – not Jeff hardy!!!  he NEVER quits!  he’ll never ever ever be beaten.  but eventually he was.

 

and like him, we will be too.  we’ll be gone soon too and there’ll be nothin left of us neither but memories and pictures and a few little videos.  oh and things people here have written.  i’ve left a piece of myself, no that’s wrong

 

pieces

 

and not i

 

we

 

we’ve left pieces of ourselves in writing for whoever cares whoever wants it whoever and whatever they choose to do with it and whether it makes any difference anywhere to anybody or not

 

before long thse pieces of ourselves in writing will be in the pile along with photographs and memories of us. and our story too’ll finally be done. 

 

when our time is up

when our lives are done…

will we make a mark this time?

will we always say we tried?

 

 

hell yeah we tried!   like jeff hardy, nobody nowhere no how will ever EVER be able to say TC didnt try

7-29-09 – Amy… Jeff Hardy vid – sometimes good wins – Gypsy added a prologue

Its Gypsy. prologue time

 ok well slap me and call me stupid but Amy talked herself right into a revelation in this entry that answered a LOT of questions about what the hell has been wrong with her and what are those strange hysterics she’s been having about. 

It hit her when she was watching that vid at the end here for the 1st time.  Right near the beginning, there’s a still of Hardy – looking well tortured.  like a tortured soul.  his face is all painted and shit like he’s been doing for a while now sometimes and he’s got this look on him

and when Amy saw that look (I guess it just went by her when she grabbed the vid cause she didn’t see it til she watched it on here)

but that look on Jeff’s face in that still near the beginning with his face painted – that tortured soul look –

I’m telling you every person in this place has seen that exact look on Drake’s face so many times I cant even count.  and it always like amy said to Jess when she was yet again hysterical a bit ago after her revelation over this damn entry

but amy told jess that every time she’s ever seen that look on Drake’s face she wants to bawl cause its so tragic and it hurts her heart cause she knows how bad D wanted a life – as he’s always said just “droplets of a life” he’d take. 

she asked jess, and then I asked her too, and she told us both that yeah he indeed does get that exact look on his face and in his eyes, and it has the same effect on her

So now now what? now we know what’sbugging amy out.  especially after it flooded/hit her at almost the beginning of the vid (and them song words too – dayum talk about it coulda been written totally like about Drake!)

but when it hit amy that she was relating

oh I need to shut up or I’m gonna blow her entire  entry and revelation

anyway this is heavy shit dude.  and I’ll just say she’s grieving for drake cause he never got more than a taste of life – real life – he has craved forever.  and now he never will cause we’re dying. 

D’s gonna die, like well the rest us still left sttanding here for the most part, he’s gonna die without ever having got to really live.  and that just sucks ass.  i wish i wasnt toxic so i could have a fucking stiff drink

and i just gotta say one more thing while i’m at it.  i’m damn pissed to be dying this way.  now on to amy’s epiphany/revelation and yeah well on with it…

*

 

I LOVE Jeff hardy.  i have from the very 1st day i ever saw him years ago after i first got throwed out here.  he’s like my hero.  i adore him.  i’m his biggest fan.  i almost saw him in person at raw (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr), got the t-shirt, got the hardy boyz necklace and i read fan stuff on him

I relate to him on so many levels – he’s had a hard life, he’s lost so much, he’s made mistakes.,  but he’s also been screwed

and screwed

and screwed.

He’s been dogged. he’s been maligned.  he’s been unjustly accused. he’s been attacked mercilessly.  his mother died when he was just a kid. his house burned down and his dog died tragically.  his BROTHER turned on him and broke his heart.  and thats just off the top of my head

 he’s won the world heavyweight title 2 times before in this last year!!!!  and got it taken away from him both times like almost  immediately - the last time in literally less than 60 seconds!!!!

Life aint been easy for him neither, likeus, and some its been his own fault but most of  it hasnt – and doesnt that just make him HUMAN?   and you know, i think its his human-ness that makes me love Jeff Hardy so much.  cause he’s real dude.  he’s REAL.

just like life is real.  sometimes its real good and sometimes its real crappy, but its always real.  and you can count on that from Jeff too – that he’ll be real. 

Jeff Hardy’s like me, and well like my dad Drake and even some others here too.  he is what he is.  He’s lke this is me and I’m doing the best I can.  he’s out there in the open being what he is, who he is, admitting when he’s wrong, trying to do right, busting his ass to be honorable and upright and fair.  and i love him.

I was devastated when he was traded to smackdown like ddays before we got to see WWE Raw here in our city.  and i been taking this seems like a year but i think its probly been less of him getting smacked upside the head one time after another from every damnn direction reallly hard. 

I think i’m relating to him too much.  isnt that called transference or something?  i jjust know it got to the point i’d just cry and cry when some new awful shitty thing would be done to him or he’d get hurt or whatever.

anyway

so once a year WWE has this thing called nite of champions when every single belt in all three branches is up for grabs.  and Jeff fought his way this year against all odds to end up being the #1 contender.  and then last weekend, he got his chance again

and he won that world champion belt.

somebody made a video outta some Jeff moments – ending with him holding up the world heavyweight title he won for the THIRD time this year the other nite – and nobody can take it away from him till at least friday anyways.  and this  person put the video to bon jovi’s “its my life” to it

and omg but the words to that song spoke to me too, to us, to our situation, to well us dude.  and i cried cause no i aint delusional and think i’m really like a famous pro wrestler or nothing, but you dont gotta have exactly the same kinda pains to relate ya know? 

anyways here it is cause I love Jeff Hardy and he finally won and gets to feel the wonderfulness of winning for at least a little bit before the crap starts again

*

dude wow i was just watching my entry for the first time and it hit me hard.  all the stuff I said.  why do i love jeff hardy so much?  why do I relate to him so much?  why does his pain hurt me so much? 

he reminds me of my dad, Drake.  listen and watch and, if you know him, you’ll see it to i betcha

duh

7-24-09 – Drake… “Long Nights” video – (added to/ammended) originally posted on 6-20-09

I was starting to watch a movie i’m not at all sure i should since we generally make it a practice here not to watch tragic-type movies.  oh yeah, amy’s all about her “we’re all gonna die” movies as she calls them, but they’re not about actual incidents. 

(BTW we did not watch the entire movie  becuase this movie is a true story and our  T told us the guy does die tragically and she thought it would be very unwise for us to watch it because it had upset her so much, and she doesn’t have our issues or situation)

anyway so this movie is called ”Into the Wild” and the opening song just hit me like a brick and i was like I have got to find that song.  it is hautingly beautiful and devestatinglly sad – which is pretty much where our collective head is at in this end-time of our life…

as we look back, making all the memories we can with loved ones, thinking, rmemembering what we can while we can

knowing the days of remembering will be behind us one day we knwo not when

 only that it is so

whether by our literal death or by the disease process having affected our memoryy processes now, making us forget events, people, yesterday, last hour…

 

I listen to this vid every time. sometimes over and over and over.  in a way, it gives me peace and makes me feel not so alone, not so like a freak, comforted in some way i dont have the words for anymore to know that at least one other person who’s been onthis planet has felt the same way this line  “who I was before, I cannot recall”…

 yeah i relate to that too damn much – and what am I saying?  god.  i’m trying.  i really am. 

some feedback would be fucking nice so i don’t feel mostly like all  this trying and trying to reach somebody and warn people to make your life COUNT -

 and being a bitch or bastard doesnt count in the end I dont think.  i think what counts in the end is what good we did or did we at least leave behind. 

but hell maybe my mind is too far gone already and this is all for nothing, falling on deaf ears or being laughed at by people who’ve told me/us here too many times they wait in anticipation for our death.  

that makes it hard to try dude.  its like in this trying to reach people am I actually reaching an ybody or am i only giving the people who are waiting to “dance on your grave” a whole bunch of laughs?

  i don’t know but I dont have the time, the strength or the mental faculties to give a fuck anymore.  I’m on a mission.  and i have good intentions in my mission.    if you wanna laugh and prepare to dance on my grave, your gonna face God yourself one day so whatever go for it if you just have to. 

Me nor anybody else here who’s helping me some is NOT doing this for you or your entertainment.   this effort is for who might listen

*

people please – anyone who sees this – please.  I’m not the teenaged punk smart ass I busted on to the mult scene as and was for a few years. 

Hell I changed quite a while before the online attack on us even began -

doesn’t ANYBODY remember or have noticed that I basically did NOT fight back publically after the first disasterous weeks in which our entire system was just in fucking shock that anybody was believing any of that crap – and I still  had the power then, and used it, to prevent others here from fighting back who wanted to. 

I truly believed that eventually old friends and other mults would see the ever-widening scope and ridiculousness of the charges piling and piling and piling against us, but i was wrong. 

 still we did not fight back after those first few weeks of the attack (which was finally intervened and stopped way over a year after it began by some of our  medical end-stage care team taking three of those people attacking us online voraciously to freaking court dude because they would not stop even after we got put on end-stage care with home health. 

we were one of the first adult cases to be tried in this country for protection order requests against online attackers – and we lost the big one by a hair – and that’s only because, even knowing it meant we were going to lose, we did not pull out our big guns which we could have.  and then we did not do what the judge said in-session actually could be done by us. 

we just needed them to stop.  dude you just dont do that to dying people.  seriously

*

I’m off-point again.  the point is, I’ve changed.  and I’m sincerely trying, several here are, beforewe die, to pass on something important.  so important

Facing your own mortality changes a person.  you MUST make every single moment count. 

I’m totally sincere here.  Please make your days matter. 

A few others here are  trying so desperately hard in t his end-time to get that message out – although i admit not all of them because they want to (we still have some very betrayed/pissed off people here) – but they’re doing it with me some, this trying to get the message out out of respect for me and my asking them to help me in  this quest before we die.

having been given miracle after miracle of extended life, deciding to try to make a difference, make memories with loved ones, knowing that when our suffering on this earth ends, we will be in paradise with our Lord but those we love, and have loved, or even cared about, will be here still – living their lives.

so we reach out again and again trying to tell you

hoping hoping

that we reach somebody

anybody.

Life your life. live it and remember it. leave memories for others that will make them smile when they think of you. do these things and more

while you can

*

anyway I’m by God living by my beliefs and going out trying to reach just even one person with the fact that dude we just get ONE go-around.  that’s it.  no do-overs.  

I decided long ago to stand on my honor.  Honor is everything to me.  Always has been – even before I emerged – even when I was well what I was.  honor among thieves then at that time or something maybe I guess, but my brand of honor nonetheless. 

I still have the compulsion to live – and die – with honor.  and I damn well intend to.

out,

Drake Aaron Phoenix

16 y/o insider of TC – a mid-50′s female multiple body

6-14-09 – amy… i’m on our new puter somebody loved us enough to get us

I;m laying here trying to distract us from the pain that feels like its gonna kill us for sure on my BRAND NEW PUTER!!!!!!!  hom bought us.  and watching a we’re all gonna die thing on tv.  i donno which i love more we’re all gonna die movies, wrestling or reality tv.  i live vicariously what can i say. 

oh and i’m babysitting hom’s new boxer puppy while she gets the house ready cause the smoke damage people are supposed to come tomorrow and the rebuild our kitchen people whatever that’s called i cant remember but i dont care cause i just came here to share that i’m laying here on my brand new puter somebody looved us enough to buy us and even sacrifice themself a new bed they desperately need for us – for US dude – not many people does stuff for us -while we’re t rapped in this damn bed most the time suffering.  its like a miracle almost. for real. i aint even kidding

oh and playing pogo.  on my brand new puter somebody loved us enough to buy for us so we dont lay here and be caaaarrraaaaazzzzzyy.  

dammit if jess dont stop coming in here and disturbing that  puppy i’m gonna kill her

amy

6-6-09 – cody… the vid with that line “they shoot horses dont they” – absolutely NO kids or fragile people its graphic (addendums by Drake & Kelli)

I noticed on that little stat thing wp has that somebody had searched trying to find the song they shoot horses dont they.  its not a song.  it was a movie. a  tragic movie  whifch some here relate to in this end of our life.  i found the final scene in which that line is said.  the line is at the end of the scene

this is very graphic.  do not let any kids or i cant think of the word i dont wanna use weak thats not the  right word.gb ut  =dont let them view this

 

NOTE;  this is drake next day.  i think i ned to explain this saying because it dawwned on me that it might not be widely understood.  the ground is full of holes.  in the plains for  instance there are gopher holes and snake hooles and priarie dog holes.  when a horse is running, if it steps in one of these holes, it breaks its leg.  now i think tehy can sometimes fix horses broken legs, but it wasnt used to be that way.  the horse hade to be shot to be put out of its misery because there was no hope.  hence the man’s explanation “they shoot horses don’t they” (to cops question of why did this man help a woman who had had so many hard things and tragedies that she had lost all hope of there being any chance of any way to salvage any kindof life for herself so shebegged him and he helped her commit suicide  - added by kelli)

more note on 6-9 or something: its kelli.  i’m taking this video off.  i thinkits too violent.  its on youtube under they shoot horses dont they final scene if anybody wants to see it that bad

5-28-09 – amy… so there was a double murder here yesterday and Jess/Hom had another “i’m in an alien land” experience *wry grin*

so there was a double murder here yesterday.  it was a local guy our girls’ age who killed his pregnant girfriend – who was from the city i guess cause nobody knew her evidently.  all the talk was about him anyways that’s all i know

  and, this being a small town, like everybody either knew the guy who did it – whether they hung out together in high school or years since or not - or knew of him.  not that long ago in fact, one of our family members took him home from a party cause he was drunk and they wouldnt let him drive.

anyway course i knew when the manhunt was going on cause just as i heard the helicoptors  near my house, I got a call from _______, who lives in the next neighborhood, screaming into the phone that police coptors were all over the top of her house as she got home, so she ran in and turned on the tv – and saw this person flashed on the screen that the whole town here knows and the reporter talking about the double murder and manhunt going on in our area – which happened to be like right on top of HER house. 

so she totally wigged out, called here and was screaming what do I do what do I do cause she had a little kid with her.  I couldn’t even think so told ok hold on and John would be there in a minute, and she was like what good is that gonna do?  and I was like um well I donno – he’s JOHN (like he can take care of everything or somehing – kinda funny in retrospect)

anyway so what she did was kept me on the phone, grabbed the kid, and ran out thru the garage door and jumped in her truck and took off over here.  just as she got here, it was flashing on the news that they’d just found his body – in the trees behind her house.   he had killed himself. 

* 

k this is the plains – no place to run, no place to hide.  there’s like treees in the neighbors and along creekbeds – but thats pretty much it here except for the occasional tree or few along roads or in fields.  and I remembered back several years ago when that truckload of illegal aliens got stopped by feds on the interstate just outside the far end of our neighborhood – and they jumped outta the truck, attacking and overtaking some of the cops – and then all took off – into OUR neighborhood and the one next to it.  and for hours, our very neighborhood was on CNN and all them big news networks while the manhunt went on cause they’d hurt a couple them cops real bad. 

and there was coptors and cops everywhere flying just over the housetops and stuff, and they was telling people on tv and stuff to get in our houses, get all our pets in the house too cause these people were jumping fences and trying to hide in our back buildings and pool houses and stuff and get in to houses.  oh and there was police dogs everywhere  and all the dogs in the neighborhood, including ours was just going nuts.  and it ws really terrifying

i think ____ lived here at the time but was at work and John was too or somewhere or something and we was alone. 

since there literally really aint no place to run or hide out here – unless your able to invade somebody’s house or something – and then the cops got you cornered anyways,  about half them aliens ended up just standing on a street corner waiting for a cop to drive by and go ahead and arrest them afer realizing there wasnt no place to hide and they couldn’t even get a drink of water or nothing.

anyway i remember somebody here writing the list about it back before the online attack started against us  and they punished us/”got” us by highjackiing the list – and traumatizing so many innocent people just to hurt us. 

anyway i remember somebody here wrote the list that there was aliens everywhere and we was scared and how whoever here forgot to put in the note “illegal aliens” – and our friends laughed at us forever about the “alien invasion” we had.  it was funny tho.  good memory

anyway random

anyway so I was thinking and thinking, and i believe the last murders around here was like 15-20 years ago when ______’s sister and kids was murdered by her ex.  

* 

sooooooooo  (sheesh can anybody here get to the point anymore?)

Jess comes home from work later yesterday and was all talking about how all she heard all day was about the murders and could you believe it?!?!?!  and could you believe who did it?!?!?!?! 

customers and just everybody was talking about nothing else, and she said it was kinda overwhelming cause she was like did EVERYBODY know this dude?  

and I told her yeah that like never happens here and its been about 20 years since the last murders and probly 7-8 since the “alien invasion”

and how I’d been thinking about her and kinda laughing cause i figured she was there at work listening to all this goings on about it all and thinking so? since she’s from new york and all.  and she laughed her head off and was like yeah exactly!    

she said for a while she started getting kinda sucked in to the drama and then reminded herself where she was from, and that people get murdered and stuff daily there, and then had to struggle to keep from morbidly laughing about how this event was sooooooooooooo major here that that’s all anybody and everybody could talk about all day. 

 i’ll never forget that - poor Jess/hom yet again getting slapped upside the head feeling like an alien in an alien land.  its a tragic situation yeah but her reaction was morbidly funny

amy

4-28-09 – Amy… end of life stuff – “people are better than no people” quote that spoke to me

so we’ve been pretty sick.  ugh  sick sucks.  I hate sick.  i’m sick of being sick.  sick and tired of it all.  just tired  

anyway i finally dragged myself outta bed a while ago cause ___’s coming and turned on a recorded show on tv.  according to the tv, its supposed to  be Samantha Who.  i lovet hat show.  but it wasnt.  its some medical show. 

and the recording starts in a hospital room and the scene is the fam sitting alll around this lady’s bed when she suddenly flatlines.  docs come running from everywhere like we’ve had happen to us before, and one of them shoves a family member outta the way and tells her and the rest of them to get out.

i gues its the daughter says “are you gonna let us know”?  and the doc gives her this die look and says snidely “yeah i’ll let you know”.  nd then he calls them bastards as they leave. 

then he immediately turns his attention to the lady that aint breathing and does that chest shocking thing on her and yells at her to come back and says essentially “dont let the bastards win”.  and it brings her back to lfie and she looks around disoriented.   

the doc’s face softens and he says “hey your a fighter you kknow that?  you’ve worked hard today”.  and he turns to a nurse or whatever and says “she needs rest.  see the family and be sure they dont come back in here.  give her a break from all the ‘love’”. 

and the sick lady says shockingly emphatically for somebody that just wasnt breathing a minute ago “no”!!! then she looks all tender at the doc and explains “its been a long time.  but they always come” (assumably every time she almost dies).  then she says “these are my people.  People keep you going.  people are better than no people.”

sigh  sometimes you feel so alone.  you try so hard to hold on to your faith in God and be grateful for yet another miracle of extended life, try to be grateful for every extra day, every extra minute, and especially be grateful for the few that still wants to be with you every minute they can and tell you allla time how much they love you and love being with you. 

and yeah we been told lots, explained over and over to us, how its normal for people to draw away from and visit dying loved ones less nd less, spend less time with them, cause its hard on them to watch their loved ones go thru end-of-life stuff.  but oh trust me, its harder to life it.  at least the ones with family members/loved ones in that situation has got choices.  when your the one, your choices is limited dude.  and almost all the choices you do get revolve around the choices of themwho love you but they get overwhelmed and tired of it all and stressed out from watching their loved one hang on to life, and so they drift away and not only dont make hardly no memories no more but leave the care of that person they really do love so much in the hands of whoever is willing to do it.  and if that sick/dying person is real lucky, then at least one fam member is willing to do it and if they get overwhelmed and cant do it alone no more maybe God sends a angel to help them like He did us when he sent Jess/hom.  yeah we aint stupid and got rose-colored glasses.  we know Hom aint an angel but they are to us cause they came when we needed them to help john when nobody else came.

But then another crisis hits sudden, or maybe gradually comes on and becomes another obvious life or death crisis – and they come.  they always come.  but in between they get overwhelmed and tired of it all and stressed out from watching their loved one hang on to life and suffer.  and peple dont like to watch nobody suffer.  normal people dont anyways.  watching soembody suffer is hard.  so they drift away again – until another crisis of life or death – then they come cause they always do.. 

whats so very very sad and tragicc most of all in these situations i thihnk is that the loved ones lose understanding that those times between the life and death moments are gifts God’s given us all - and the thing about gifts of any sort is that they can be treasured or squandered.  its like people forget or something the power of a few minutes of time laughing and remembering fun/cool stuff, or taking a while outta their day to do something together they used to do with that loved one.  and i think they especially forget the powers of a kind word and a hug but i’m tellin g you these things can lift the spirits of a person on home health trapped almost totally at home or even more horrible trapped in a nursing home, these little things like kind words and hugs can last for weeks or months or even all the way to the end of however extra long God gifts us with cause not only can we experience every minute we can get with them that wants to spend it with us and still thinks we’re worth something even tho we ourself just see ourself as sick and worwthless – i think loved ones dont understand that a kind word,, a hug, a little of your time, a special treat or little gift or homecooked meal or taken out to eat – any these things and so much more – such little things to you – are treasures to a person trapped in home health/longterm care, end-stage care, suffering – treasures that make us have the strength and courage to fight another day, hang on another day, get up another day cause just these little things make us feel loved.  and when a person feels loved and valued oh man they can climb just about any mountain! 

and i think and loved ones dont understand that these acts of kindness and nice words and your time is more for you in the long run than for us cause your gonna be the ones left when we’re gone.  we’ll be free at last of all the pain and suffering and sickness and feeling worthless and useless and unimportant and cant do nothing right and and and cauase we’ll be with our Lord in Paradise.   so i feel sorry for them that’s left with the coulda shoulda wouldas cause we been there, and we know it can eat you up. 

*

for us now, its too late for anger and bitterness at this point, ya know.  too late to hold on to grudges and perceived (or real) wrongs.  too late to refuse to forgive.  just plain foolish to hang on to old stuff that cant be changed.  its the people gonna be left be worry about cause it’ll all stay on you after we’re gone to Heaven.  This is the gift time God gives some people.  and sometimes I marvel myself at how many extra gift times God’s given us,, how many times we been supposed to die by all accounts and somehow didn’t.  but this is yet another gift time from God for each of us to do with as we will.  dont squander your treasures or anybody that was EVER a treasure to you.   

shoot we lay here and remember things that happened a long time ago when somebody we didnt expect came to visit or gave us a call or brought us a little gift or called and said “get dressed. i’m buying you lunch and we’re goign to the store or gonna buy flowers or whatever.”   or just showed up with food you know we love (of and if you made it yourself we’ll just bawl from gratitude altho Jess/hom being here so long now has pretty much freed us from that humiliating reactionn cause they’re so wonderful and cook for us wonderful tihngs alla time and cause of them we’ve blown ALL the docs and home health peoples predictions of the possibbilities outta the water) .  what i’m saying i guess is right or wrong (and oh god evidently we made lots of mmistakes in our life) but we choosing to live in this debiilitated constant horrific suffering state on freaking opium patches for god’s sake for you – we shouldl be long dead.  we’re supposed to be dead.  how do i say this.  i’m scared i’m gonna get yelled at. ok here goes – sometiems, just maybe every little once in a while, please choose me – even just for a few minutes,, a few knd words, a hug

anyway dammit i cantstay on topic.  point is i donno.  this little snippet of a show  i happened upon just struck me ya know.  like ok well we aint the only one that goes thru stuff like this if its actually been studied by pros and stuff and shoot even being made part of a medical show.  still sucks tho

and whatever i guess but you cant make people do what you’d do.  or have done yourself when you was able in the same situation.  or what you think is the right thing to do.  it aint your decision no more.  actually hardly nothing’s our decision no more.  anyway i hope somebody somewhere listened to me but the way it generally goes with me, that aint likely.  whats much more likely is that i’ll get yelled at for saying something wrong.  but sometiems its like i wanna scream/cry/beg/plead dont anybody wanna spend last times with us hardly?  its like we wanna cry out “hey!  I still got lots to offer even tho i’m so sick.  look at the ______.  they still adore us and treasure every minute with us.  we can still make memories. oh please make memories with me/us!  you will remember them later and treasure them.  we been there.  we know.  we promise and if even one person anywhere – whether we know them or whether they’re just sombody that happens on to this – if my gut-spilling here made any difference for the good i’ll be so happy, not just for the sick and dying peoplew ho feels so alone and forgotten, but for you if i helped you understand that you gotta do so little for people in our situation to make our hearts sing.  if it just aint doable then k then. whatever i guess.  i tried.

just me amy who dont even count anyways to hardly nobody

3-24-09 – Gypsy… We went to Raw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Voices by Rev Theory

 

 

Woo hoo Jess is the bomb!!!!    She gave us a copy of her slide show on her MS of when we were at Raw.

Yeah, we WERE there last year – june 30th (no  I didn’t remember that date - jess just told me *g*) 

We saw CM Punk (THE hottest man alive) cash in money in the bank and win the heavyweight title.

We saw Rey Mysterio do the 619.

We saw Kofi Kingston (who is the 2nd hottest hottest man alive) do his “oooh oooh oooh” -  oops that means your ass just got kicked – move

we saw Cryme Tyme (who are just too cool and hot for words)

Oh yeah Edge was there.  What an ass.  I hate Edge.  and it was sooooooooooooooo fun to watch Punk run out there – right past Batista (yep saw him too) - shocking the shit outta both of them, and cashing in money in the bank when he kicked Edge’s ass!!!

I’m not even mentioning JBL cause I REALLY cant stand him.  oops I just did *g*

Amy had various moments of mourning cause her fave wrestler – Jeff Hardy – had just got traded to Smackdown like two days before Raw came here.

We bought OMG so much shit!  we got the shirts LOL  We got hardy boyz necklaces.  oh and can’t forget the fab HBK cowboy hat -  which sits in its place of honor on our shelf.

John said he’d about never had so much fun just cause we both had so much.  He was great to take us – and let us spend all that money and not even bitch at us or grumble or nothing.  and that was after the small fortune it cost just for the tickets. 

Here’s my fave entry song – if it works.  Damn i cant figure the music out.  its supposed to be “voices” by rev theory – orton’s theme song altho I hate him too

Did I mention we saw Cena too?  Jess about died over that.  it was too funny. s he’s as bad about Cena as Amy is about Jeff Hardy

Thanks Jess!!!!!! 

Gypsy

3-24-09 – Cody… a movie that’s striking a cord in us about life and whether we’ve made a difference and will anybody really care when we’re gone and shit

watchng this pretty strange movie called “Mitch Albom’s The Five People You Meet” wth Jon Voight in it.  its about a man who dies in a carnival accident trying to save a little girl’s life.  and, when he gets to heaven, he finds out he has to meet 5 people who he had a huge impact on their life or they on his.  

This guy feels like his life was a failure, that he never accomplished anything of significance, that nothing he did mattered, that he had no impact on anybody else’s life.  In other words, he feels he lived a pointless useless life – and now he’s dead and all his chances are gone.  I’m guessing that’s why he has to meet up with 5 people from his life – so he can have an epiphany that his life did have meaning. 

anyway so the movie’s only on the 2nd meeting, and I’m thinking yeah i’m not so sure we should be watching this movie.  But its ended up being one of them every bodies’ out kinda things cause its like morbidly fascinating altho nobody really knows why I dont think.  Somebody here even said to Jess “I wonder if this is gonna give either of us nightmares tonite”. I’m beginning to think tho that this movie might hold a really big msg for us or something. 

* 

anyway so in the first meeting in heaven right after he dies, the man meets up with a guy who saved his life when he was a little boy – and he didn’t even realize it.   that man sacrificed his life to save a little boy he didn’t even know (the newly-dead man).

 and he grew up and was living his life.  But he was unhappy – always feeling not good enough, always feeling like a failure, never feeling like he mattered or that anything he did had any significance.

Then he got sent to war.  which brings him to the 2nd meeting. 

* 

 he’s meeting up with the guy (now dead of course) who was his superior officer in the war.  

In this instance, the officer made a huge sacrifice for him – to give him a chance to get home and have a life after the war.  Only the man instead went home and became bitter and couldn’t get over what had happened to him in the war.  and cause of that bitterness, he lost his wife and everything – and he spent his life feeling not good enough, like nothing he did mattered, like he meant nothing to anybody.  

and he’s all upset to find out that his officer sacrificed his life so that he could live what he believed had been a pointless/useless life, and the officer says:  you don’t get it.  sacrifice aint something to be ashamed of.  Its something to be proud of.  When people stop sacrificing for one another, they lose what makes them human.  Its the noblest thing we do

the newly-dead man says;  you lost everything (to save me)

and the dead officer says:  well thats the thing about sacrifice.  sometimes when you think your losing something, your really just passing it on to somebody

the officer says he had waited all this time for the man to come to heaven too cause he had to ask for forgiveness for what he had to do in order to save the man’s life all those years ago.  the man asks him why he chose to wait there – in the midst of the war zone if he was in heaven.  and the officer says he wanted to see what life was like before everybody started killing each other in the war

and the  newly-dead man looks around him at the war-torn countryside and says:  but this is war

officer says:   our eyes aint the same soldier.  This is what I see 

and he spreads his arms around – and suddenly the war-torn countryside is a beautiful paradise. 

He thanks the newly-dead man for forgiving him for doing what he had to do in order to save his life, and says that’s what he needed - and walks off in to the paradise. 

*

Like I said, this is just the 2nd person of 5 this guy’s gotta meet in heaven – all people who either he impacted their life in some gigantic way or they his.  In both meetings so far, he’s begged of the people he’s met to just tell him if he was able to save the little girl he himself died trying to save – and they’ve both told him they can’t tell him.  I’m assuming we’ll find out at the end. 

* 

Oh yeah – and all thru this movie, it keeps going back to the present – to life on earth – to the people left behind.  little vignettes of how people are grieving for him and mmissing him -  people he didn’t even know care.  and how much went on surrounding how he died trying to save that little girl and all. 

*

I dont know what else to say right now.  i dont really knwo why i stopped this movie to write this.  I just know that its seems significant.  Maybe it seems so significant cause here we are at the end-time of our own life – and you find yourself examining and picking things apart…

did I do this wrong?

did I do that wrong?

could we’ve done this or that better or different?

Should we have made a different decision in this situation or that one?

Has my life, our life, meant anything to anybody?  have we made a difference anywhere… to anyone…

 

just thinking, you know?

Cody mostly

2-24-09 – Drake… so we’ll call this examining the chaos theory and its possible application to us part 1

So we were feeling like shit – and isn’t that unusual now?  sigh  Anyway, _ _ and _ _ _ _ _ _ had gone home, and this was patch-changing day – meaning that it takes a good while for the new pain patch to start working – hence we were doing  the usual – laying in bed curled up from pain with somebody here watching something generally stupid on tv.  Well unless its Amy, with whom you can bet something about chaos is on – one of her as she calls them “we’re all gonna die” movies (disaster films), pro wrestling or reality tv (in which every episode is of course “the most shocking ever”.

 

chaos

 

hmm ok I came to write about the movie, “Chaos theory” and how I had a revelation during it, and I’ll be damned if I didn’t just have another revelation before i could even get the first one written about

 

Amy is at best contained chaos (and just how different is that actually from a “normal” 15 year old anyway?)

 

stay on point

 

Amy has always been erratic but such fun – full of life, funny, generally a joy to be around.  on the other hand, she’s also always tended to lean toward bouts of unreasonableness which generally end in her doing what she wants and to hell with whoever doesn’t like it.  And, I’m sorry, but that makes her fascinating.  it does really.  Its always more interesting to be around, observe, whatever… someone fromw hom you don’t know what to expect.

 

I’m getting to the point – the second point which just struck me, not having even approached the first point I came to write about.

 

a long time ago, Amy even made a banner that’s on her space which says “so much chaos, so little time”. 

 

ok wow revelation number three!  damn it to hell, i haven’t finished number two much less started number one yet!  anyway

 

antipathy

 

Amy, my daughter, is also very – and I emphasize VERY powerful – within our system.  She is capable of running the show by herself longer than anyone else here can.  She can “be” whoever is needed/wanted, function as any of us, whatever…

 

yet

 

Amy has always been chaotic, stuggling to function within the “acceptable/expected” societal range – while I, on the other hand, was always methodical, structured, logical, thought things through.  I was really.  before…  now, I’m just fucked.  but that’s another story.

 

ok but it just hit me a few minutes ago writing this that Amy is the antipathy of me – we are opposites – each at a far end of the same pole – cut from different sides of the same cloth -  yet the combination of us together results in the perfect number within our system (i dont know where that came from)

 

good lord!  That’s it!  Bingo!  We’ve ended up at the same end of the pole at the same time for too long and its activated what we call “the domino effect”!  That’s the problem!  you think?  maybe

 

have you ever lined dominoes up – or seen someone do it?  If they are lined up in even a “semi-sane” way, they’ll all stand.  but, you can knock over dozens, hundreds, hell thousands, of dominoes just by hitting one.  in hitting that “one”  just right, every single one behind it and behind it and behind it ad infinitium will “fall”

 

*

 

ok i’ve made my brain hurt.  and I never even got to what I came to write about.  so later or tommorrow or something

 

yeah but first, I couldn’t decide whether to private this or not.  so I aasked Jess.  and in the process of asking her, i was like  well hell here’s another thought…

 

 i fought the hardest for months NOT to open anything back up, yet who haswritten the most since it got opened?  me  so does that make me a dicotomy in our current situation?  That would be so different – not.  I wonder why they fought so hard if I’m the one mostly writing?  ah Jess thinks they did it for me.  G was most vocal so that makes perfect sense.  G’s always put me first. 

 

anyway so J said well my  choices are to either privatize it out of fear that I’ll say or reveal something again that… 

 

no point going there…

 

or I can do me, be me, the real me, and embrace the punk. 

 

 J said she misses the punk.  that made me think.  and I’m like you know, I liked myself better when I embraced the punk whenever I felt like it.  so hell this is open, and I’ll get back to it later or tomorrow or something.  and if i feel like it, i’ll open it too.

 

D