8-7-09 – Amy… Jess-ism – she’s oh so funny – Riley passed the test

k so Riley is our 18 y/o maltese who’s blind and almost deaf.  you have to scream his name from like 3 feet away to get a response.  he can find me by smell tho.  and he’s still cute as shit.  and he can still high five and shake and say i love you.  well  sometimes.

and he gets around fine.  he’s finally adjusted to the chaos and re-building after the house fire cause, tho hardly nothing’s back in place yet, the basic couch and chairs are so that gives him his little trail back to follow in to the kitchen to eat and drink and to go outside thru the dog door.  altho he gets lost a lot now and we’ll find him either standing stone still waiting to be found or roaming around with his poor little head bobbing like an antenna trying to find some familiar waves or something. or we’ll start hearing him bummp in to stuff.  us and hom both watches him close and, if he’s gone more than like 10 minutes we go lookng for him. 

we had to train our labradoodle Grace to go outside with him to watch over him cause of three damn hawks that circle our neighborhoodand sometimes right over our house and they can get small dogs and cats.  we had to stop feeding our birds cause when we was researching online for some idea of what to do to keep them outta our yard before it hit on somebody here to hey train the big dog to be riley’s bodyguard. 

anyways we found out that if you got hawks and your feeding wild birds, stop  feeding them till the hawks go away cause they attract them cause their sitting ducks and easy meals.  and that’s just ewwwww and disturbing cause we love our birds and the thot that hawks had probly been swooping down on our birds and oh its just disturbing.  most the birds had already left anyways tho and we was like why’d our birds and squirrels leave. t hen it was like well duh cause of the stupid hawks

i hate hawks.  they so freak me out and even more so now since theys howed up i think it was last year in our neighborhood.  (we’re kinda out close to the boonies) we was already extremely paranoid about the owl closeby since ______ cat got ate by one.  sigh  so we decided we was gonna train Grace to go outside with riley to be his bodyguard cause hawks wont try to grab something when something real big is right there.  

even tho we miss eagles a lot.  them here that fronted when we was a kid used to lay on the ground and watch the eagles all the time and dream about flying away with them.  anyways even tho we miss them lots cause we aint been able to get to the reserve about 50 miles away, where they still fly, but we aint been able to get there since this round of ok well evidently we’re really gonna die this time hit oh seems like forever ago now.

 anyway gawd

i’m glad eagles arent around here cause they definitely could pick up dogs a lot biger than riley.  but we got these stupid hawks to contend with and that damn owl so we was like well hell what we gonna do to protect riley?  then it hit us – train gracie to be his bodyguard

it wasnt hard.  we even had enough brain cells left to do it ourself while we was being laughed at that we couldnt do it.  well we did.   thats kinda kosher TC tho.  tell us we cannot do something…  

all we gotta do now is say “grace go outside with riley” and she goes.  and at nite she gets up when he does and goes out with him whcih is really good for us cause owls is mostly night hunters.

we tried to get gracie to go outside with jess/hom’s new puppy Rosie too, but she refused. s he was like ok so i’ll go outside with the old helpless blind dog but i am not gonna go outside with this little irritating interloper!   and nothing we tried could get her to do it.  punk ass   it dont matter now tho cause Rosie’s way too big now for either a hawk or owl to pick her up.  she’s like huge for her age.  us and jess thinks its cause she was bottlefed mostly so she didnt have to fight 8 other pups for food. 

recently jess was like riley’s been 18 forever, like years.    do you even know anymore how old he is?  and we was like shut up.   but then we started thinking and thinking and trying to calculate and remember, and we was like well damn.  so we ended up asking _____, and she figured it back and told us we got off track and he’s actually 18 now.  so there ya go

omg has every single one of us totally lost the capacity to stay on topic?  gawd for real.  its so freaking irrritating

so i actually came here to tell a funny story on Jess.

i think it was last nite but she was holding riley and he was in a spell of oh its so obvious when he dont even know who he is.  ______ has told us several times we need to put him outta his misery and we say he aint miserable.  he is beginning to get agitation spells tho and if that gets too bad… sigh  a nd he has this week several times had his back legs go out from under him and he cant walk for a bit and that’s also like oh man riley please please please just go to sleep peacefully!  

Jess swears she thinks riley’s hanging on cause we are.  i donno. i just know it’d kill us if we had to put him down

anways shoot me

ok so last nite riley was in Jess’ lap and being all obviously not even knowing where he was or who he was.  and we had just been to the doc yesterday and jess always has to go with us now cause we cant even be our own historian or symptom teller or nothing no more (and no i do not wanna talk aboutit right now and probly not at all.  somebody else can)

anways so she decides to be funny and says she thinks its time to do a competicy

thats wrong

competentcy

ohfor gods sake

anyway jess decides to be oh so very funny and says lets check to see if riley’s still competent.  and then she’s like “riley?” (holding him) and he responds. 

 so she’s like “ok great now high five?”  and he gives her five.  woo hoo

sothen she’s  like “ok riley here’s the big test

do you love me?”  and he does his i love you thing!  yay

so we both laugh and stuff and she says “yay riley you passed! you get to stay in longterm care and not be forced in to hospice!”

funny funny

amy

8-4-09 – Amy… boxers are hella cool

i know its been wrote here about us getting Hom boxer puppies cause she begged so much for a dog and well she came across the country to take care of us and help john let us die at home so shoot she deserves her own dog.  so we first got her lucy.

 our lucy died almost right in front of the house when she stepped off the curb and a car happened to be right there and happened to just barely clip her right at the temple.  she was about 7 months old and it was a terrible tragedy to our whole fam and right on the heels just days after the house fire.  some here like me still cry for her every day and i think most  or all us gets confused and thinks both things happened the same day but evidently it was some days apart.  i donno. still feels like the same day to me but whatever i guess cause wse cant remember  shit no more

then we talked Jess/hom into starting to look for another puppy right away cause she was so grief-striken and well thats what people do is go out and get another dog.  we didnt expect to find one right away cause lucy had been hard to find cause there aint many boxers around but we happened upon a 2 week old litter just as they was advertized.  and thats how we got Rosie.

then rosie’s mother lost her milk like days later and we had to go get her and bottle feed her for weeks.  the vet said just bottle only till 5 weeks but we talked jess in to letting her have her nite bottle till 6 weeks cause she was such a baby and woudl cry for it. 

anyways i just came on here to write that boxers is like the greatest dog in the world if you want to be loved to death.  omg they kiss you till you think your skins gonna come off.  and like lucy was getting so big, and i know rosie will to, but they get so slobbery ewwwwwwwwwwwww  that you gotta go wash your face after being good and kissed by a boxer.  its funny

they literally hold you.  for real.  they put their legs around you like arms and hold you -  around the neck or on the shoulders if their kissing you or they’ll hold your face down with their paws on eiher side of it and kiss kiss kiss.  and they got this thing they do called boxer kisses. f or real its literally called that.  its almost but not quite like tiny little nips and long as it stays tiny – and I mean tiny cause they get so big – its ok but you gotta start training them young to control the power of their kisses.  lol its kinda funny

 and they’ll wind a leg around your arm or leg or when they get big enough they start laying next to you with a leg on you or their head on your feet or something.   and it feels like your being hugged

lucy would do that – lay her head on our feet cause omg but she pitched fits wanting to sleep in here – the cool place that nana’s bed is dontcha know.   and she’d cuddle up close like Annie used to. 

annie would stretch out right beside us like a person and put a leg over us like a person and i swear you’d wake up in the nite and she’d feel so much like a person that sometimes there’d be a minite or two of confusion.  but never panic maybe cause we knew deep inside it was annie or maybe cause her smell was familiar or whatever

anyways so we’d stay still with lucy laying in her favorite sleeping spot on top of our feet till like up half our legs was asleep and starting to burn before we’d finally move her over after she got so heavy.  then next thing you knew her head’d be on our feet again. 

and they are the funnest dogs to play with.  omg but they LOVE toys.  especially if they make noise or tug toys.  and their interested in like everything!  i mean everything!  lucy would literally lay there on the end of our bed and watch tv with me on my everybody’s gonna die movies or dancing shows and wrestling and stuff.  all cocking her head this way and that for the really really interesting stuff. 

oh it was so special and fun!  and such a blessing to us all being so almost stuck in this stupid bed most the time now and evidently like till this is over i guess.  sigh

anyway rosie is really beginning to get in to tv and stuff and watch with  me like lu used to do.  and she does that tilting her head thing that oh you cant stand it – no matter how bad you feel or how bad your hurting, you cant not laugh at a boxer.  their the most amusing dogs i ever seen. 

jess and cody made a video of rosie reacting to one of jess’ fave songs (which btw rosie, I hate it too).  its so funny.  i think somebody put it here on this journal somewhere.  anyways its hilarious. 

and i also like it cause you can hear cody laughing and talking and in background and he sounds so much like drake that its almost like capturing both their voices on tape.  i know he does too cause jess says they sound almost alike.  drake’s voice pattern is smoother or something. i donno but anyways they both got the greatest laughs ever when they laugh.  inside and out.  i love their laughs. 

and cody laughs on that video.  and its partly why i love it i guess cause its tangible proof of yeah i dont care who youare just listen to that and tell me that dont sound like a guy.  so whatever

anyways

gawd

so anyway there’s actually a name for that head tilting thing over oh so fascinating and/or confusing or whatever that boxers do. Jess researched.  its called the boxer tilt I think, and they all do it.  just like their nippy kisses is actually called boxer kisses. oh and this wasnt in like ANY of the stuff us and _______ found when we was researching Jess/hom’s first dog and trying to get as close to what she was begging for as possible (she’d lost her mastiff/pit bull mix shortly before she came to live with us – and our kids woulda killed us if we’d a let a mastiff in the house.  and our home nurse said she woulda too.  and it was oh man it was so hard cause some here has wanted a mastiff like always.  and a pit bull was out to cause up till recently even they was illegal in many parts of our state and even tho the mean/fighting stuff’s been bred outta most of them and stuff most people are still afraid of them.  and one the kids said ok well if you get a certified stratforshire terrier (that’s what the akc calls them now – the good ones that’s been bred long enough to get that fighting thing bred outta them) but the other one said that if we got one… oh well insert threats of doom and gloom

so ok whatever.  we got a boxer cause we discovered that their the smallest of the mastiff fam and we was like ok that’s gonna have to be close enough.  and it was..  lu anne was greatly loved and now rosie will be too. 

but anyway what was i sayign?  dammit i cant stay on subject no more at all.  ok yeah i was saying

man its gone again.  thinking

oh yeah evidently boxers grow for 2 years like labradoodles (oh the fun) and then they never mature past the maturity of a 3 year old human child.  like NEVER!  what?!?!?   shoot

yeah we learned that on animal planet on me or the dog or some show.  and we were like oh man, a terminal puppy?  a forever giant puppy?  you gotta be kidding.  but oh well we still think boxers is hella cool

 oh yeah oh yeah they do this thing of getting mad at you and punishing you.  for real.  they ignore you and give you dirty looks and wont respond to you or just do what they gotta do but give you no love. 

that is NOT fun for us here.  fact thats triggery as hell but evidently its a boxer thing.  jess said she read on some boxer site somebody saying her boxer could put a bigger guilt trip on her than her mother!  and oh yeah they can.  its true

yesterday rosie got mad at us for the first time cause we made her go outside.  see when we say “outside” all the dogs gotta go outside even tho we got a dog door and even tho most our dogs is old and cantankerous now and looks at us like your stupid i got a damn door to get myself out when i wanna.  and jess goes on and on about it and we’re like you know

we have got to have some control over these dogs cause we spend so much time alone with them.  and we just cannot have one much less two gigantic strong ass young dogs running rampant and refusing to do what we say.  they gotta do what we say.  so one our things that we’ve kept up and intend to no matter what dog or human thinks its stupid is that when we say your all gonna go outside to potty, your damn well gonna go outside

oh yeah ok and we gotta have control over these dogs, especially the big ones, cause oh man but boxers may be kinda compact but they are HUGE.  they’re like cement.  for real.  oh and we found this out when repair crews was here on the house and this one guy walks in and says oh you got a pit-killer.

WHAT?!?!?!   what the fuck is a pit-killer and just what?!?!?!?  

so we tried to google it.  nothing.  then we asked jess when they got home from work or wherever she was and she was like oh yeah that’s the nickname for boxers . everybody knows that.

and we was like nuh uh!!!!!  we did not know that!!  and _______ does not know that.  and better not neither cause there just aint no reasoning with some people. grrrr and besides that whatever. bite me

yeah ok so i still have a bad attitude. w hatever.  i dont care.  what more can you do to me anymore anyways?  kill me? make me die?  take my ability to have hardly like any quality of life at all till we do finally die? 

oh well sorry but that’s already been taken care of so whatever

anways there’s the flip side too and that’s that its good to have a dog that can be so tough it can hold up against a pit if its gotta.  that aint necessarily a bad thing

 anyway so evidently not only are boxers one of them dogs that can make themself look like twice as big (they blow their chests out – we found this out during the fire when we was collapsed on the patio and jess and behind us doing the what she calls weekend at bernie’s thing on us cause we couldnt move cause of the cns shock and we told her do not let them examine us cause they always always wig out and at the ER too and throw us in the icu or at the very least in the hospital  and this’ll pass.  its part of our disease.  it’ll pass.  and if it dont in a certain period of time or we start having trouble breathing or whatever, then we call an ambulance. 

anyway so thats when we found out that boxers can blow their chests out and look positively gigantic and menacing.   we already knew that about labradoodles and chow mixes – only what both them breeds do it make their hair stand on end when their in protective mode and that makes them look like just gigantic and scary. 

oh and they will eat you.  labs will eat you up over their people if they gotta.  evidently so will boxers.  if they gotta pull it out to protect you, they’ll do it.  that makes us feel safe.  we like that knowing

anyway so evidently its like common knowledge or some shit that boxers are called pit killers cause their the only dog (well except for the really giant ones) that can hold their own against a pit bull attack.  and i believe that cause a  pit almost killed boomer one time and if it hadnt a been for a neighbor man taking a hoe or shovel or something and beating the shit outta that pit till it unlocked its jaws, and boomer still miraculously was able to run even tho he was hurt bad, and outran the pit, he’d a been killed cause he couldn’t get that damn pit to let go of him.  and boomer’s a lab and a male lab can get up to 100 pounds. 

 anyways i dont know why i wrote that.  probly cause it was a hella huge shock when that house repairer guy just nonchalantly says oh you’ve got a pit killer.  YIKES

so all the more reason why this boxer’s gotta be well-trained and she’s like staying in dog classes all the way thru for sure.  AND she’s damn well gonna do what we say when we tell her too.  so she can just be mad for us making her go outside.  little punk ass *g*

anyway so i had just got royally kissed to death by rose anne, and she held my face part of the time and wrapped her legs around my shoulders part of the time, and i just had to come write about it and how hella cool boxers are and i’m glad we got to know them that we have.

amy

8-2-09 – Eve… started to update. ended up grumbling and rambling. will update later

I’m laying here in our prison.i mean bed.  thinking

of the oh about a million thots going thru my brain is one that i’d really like to kill drake for making me start fronting back when thehell ever that was.  desperation move, yeahok i get it.  but its not like i’m a good fronter.  don’t eat. hardly talk.  fam recognizes me immediately as somebody they dont know. and theyd ont like that.  why can they spot me now?  cause i’ve lost my abiility to pose. 

take the abilityto pose from a poser and whats left? fucking life sucks ass

i hear jess in the other room bathing her boxer puppy rosie for her 1st make me a good doggie so nobody kills me class here in a while. a nd the pup is screaming her head off like she’ being killed.  its kinda funny.  she loves to swim in the pool but throws a fit like she’s dying over baths.  little freak

actuallyl we found out 1st thru lucy, the 1st boxer we bought hom cause they was crying and begging for their own dog and drake’ll do anything jess wants that boxers  are actually hella cool dogs.  wellwhen your not wanting to kil them for things like walking by your prison, i mean bed, and nonchanlantly swiping your water or ashtray off into to floor and saunteringoff like their fucking grinning. 

or when they slap you.  talk about wanting to kill a dog.  let me tell you evena boxer puppy can knock the shit outta you.  they’re actually called boxers cause they literally get up on their hind legs and 1-2-3 punch the shit outta you.  they’re playing.  it aint funny. 

i’ll never forget the 1st time Lucy slapped Grace (our gigantic labradoodle whos stilla fucking pup for several monts yet.  and then they fill out for another year.  and she already weighs 75-80 pounds.

she’s a monster.  and we like that.  why we got her.  and Annie.  and why we could afford them cause we got them both on sale for being “defective”.  labradoodles are designer dogs and cost a shitload of  money but people here wanted a black dog (think we pick out black dogs cause the dad bought them the only dog they had as a kid, a black cocker – so its black and cockers)  anyway so them here with both labradoodles searched and searched wanting a “faulty” one – huge, black (the least desirable labradoodle color) and female. 

anyway so luce was several months old when we was watching them play one day from our prison, i mean bed.  suddenly she raises on her back legs and 1-2-3 punched the shit outta Grace. 

oh god it was funny shit.  grace looked at her a minute like i cannot believe you just hit me.  thenn this look came over her of what can i do to this little shit without getting in trouble.  next second she takes a giant paw and slaps that pup down. and held her down for a good 5 minutes, baring her teeth at her. 

after that every once in a while, lucy would hit grace.  and every time, even after lu started getting gigantic she’d let her “mommy” throw her down and hold her down with a paw as “punishment” with thislook on her face like ___ gets of “so punish me. i dont care.  it was worth it”. 

Rosie’s 10 weeks old now and like i said starting her puppy classes today.  we’ve seen her raise up a couple of times like she’s gonna box Grace but Gracie’s already been there done that and she gives the pup this you hit me you little shit and i’m gonna take you out look.  its funny as hell

boxers are deliquents.  i like that.  well exccept for when they do shit like swipe my drinks and ashtray off as they just walk by just for kicks. then i wanna kill them too. 

i’m seeing a pattern of wanting to kill things and that bothers me some.  my people, wel my old people the OWs,  fuck people with whispers. never even think about killing things. 

and i dont mean literally kill, so nbody go write i’m like a future murderer or some shit.  i’m mean metaphoircally as in i’m 16 so suck me

anyway seems like we’ve had Rosie forever since we started looking expecting it to take a while to find a boxer but found a new liter immeditely, then got the call like days later and had to take her like literally days after the pups’ eyes opened andn bottle feed her for weeks to save her life cause i think about almosmt half the litter was sold immediately. 

i donno if anybody else that’d already bought their pups came and got them.  it was funny tho how Jess took a pink ribbon and asked to put it on her pup to make sure nobody else got it and the owners looked at her like she was nuts and was like we know each pup but they let her do it. 

anyway and it feels like Lu’s been dead forever and that the fire happened forever ago. about half left here functioning at all still cries for that dog daily cause she was so our buddy.  least she died instantly like Annie.  instant and happy in a freak accident, stepping off the curb like she’d never done before. and inthis super quiet neighbrohood somebody just happened to be right there in a fucking car. and just happened tohit her straight on with a tiny little injury direct in the temple. 

both annie and luce died so instant they both still had their happy faces on.  thats the way to go tho dude if you gotta go. still

and   time is  fucked up. its like we’re in a time warp.  yesterday maybe dont remember at all.  or last hour. 20 years ago, 40, maybe even 50 years ago,can relay everydetail of events.  but cant spell simplewords.  but can pull some long ass latin medical term outta our ass from like nowhere.   how do we do that?  different parts ofthe brain,we’ve been told.

its beginning too i think – the transition in the brain damage progression to forgetting people.  why i think that?   cause of moments of somebody here talking about a loved one or fam member or old pet or whatever,a nd they stop  suddenly and i donno what it looks like from outside, but inside its like they freeze and get this combo confused/horror look on their face with the realization that the name aint there.

fun.  not.  sometimes jess or john supplies the name and then often ends up having to comfort whoever cause it wigs people the fuck out.  sometimes the name suddenly comes. or a form of it, and whoever here can work out the loved one or fam member name themself in a minute or 2.  but dude

no doubt, we already figured it out ourself but home nurse and jess and even johnhas confirmed that we recovered amazingly from the radical and that huge stomach tumor madfe up of encapsulated suture material left in 10 years ago when we almost died at baylor when they removed the busted permantent feeding tube and sent us home to die with no food source and an abdominal abscess that took like 5-6 more surgeries to fix but they didnt dig deep enough or some shit cause sutere material from the initial feeding tube placement was left and a tumor formed around it.

anywaygod.  anyway so gut got busted open by somebody outside’s bitch fit that made drew fall out of a fucking chair answering a phone for the t50th time to be screamed at and busted a hole in our stomach.  really

i remember that so well.  we all knew instantly we was hurt bad but it was drew at the front trying to calm the situation down with somebody who supposedly used to love him and listen to him.  and he wouldnt a admitted he was bad hurt.  not him.  he’d fucking die 1st. 

anyway we survived all that shit.  then had that lymphadenitis nitemare and piggyback infections. and all that shit required round after round of super antibiotics just to keep us alive.  think somebody says 5 or 6.  i donno.  point is it killed off the good bacteria in our colon, which had already shut down on us before (hence the permanent feeding tube i talked about above).  so now we’ve spent months of measure after desperate measure to get good bacteria to grow again in our severely diseased colon or we’re gonna die from it.

suffering sucks ass.  i just had to say that

 rosie just came in here looking all miserable and shit but cute and very pink with the collar and leash and shit off to doggie school.  thakn god drake got to where he can deal wiht pink again without sending us in to convulsions on the sight of it. i’m serious. literal body convulsions. no even just inside ones.  body convulsions.  just at the sight of pink or thot of

oh whatever.  i actually came on here to grumble a minute an dthen post an update on some shit cause like i’m the only one who ever fucking updates.  people’ll just write shit and then not come back with the ending or results or whatever.  but i ended up rambling. 

oh yeah and get this.  i also ended up talking to jess.  like in a conversation.  a sentence is a lot of talk for me.  i’m losing it too.  we all are.  i think whoever here with the theory. probly drake cause he gets most of the theories and shit.  well he’s most likely to write them down anyways.  hell mayube i’m wrong about that too.  anyway i think whoever is right.  i think us left are beginning to kinda lose ourself, coming closer together.  did that make sense?  whatever it is i dont like it. 

anyway i’ll update later or something.  maybe.  yeah i will.  its my goal for the day.  i will update later.  there’s somet hings needing it. 

just one more thing nowt hen i’m out for now cause cody’s going move and let him eat.  we got to keep the weight up in the zone for our cushion since the DNI.  its all on us now.  anyway pain’s kicking our ass.  kicking. our. ass.

now i’m done for now

Eve

6-21-09 – Cody… Rosie the puppy hates toya (youtube video Jess & I made tonite)

This is a vid Jess and I just took of Jess/Hom (and ours) new boxer puppy -  Rose Lu Ann – a little while ago cause its hilarious how she reacts every time this  video comes on.  The black dog’s head coming in and out of the vid is our labradoodle, Grace, checking on “her” baby.

6-14-09 – amy… i’m on our new puter somebody loved us enough to get us

I;m laying here trying to distract us from the pain that feels like its gonna kill us for sure on my BRAND NEW PUTER!!!!!!!  hom bought us.  and watching a we’re all gonna die thing on tv.  i donno which i love more we’re all gonna die movies, wrestling or reality tv.  i live vicariously what can i say. 

oh and i’m babysitting hom’s new boxer puppy while she gets the house ready cause the smoke damage people are supposed to come tomorrow and the rebuild our kitchen people whatever that’s called i cant remember but i dont care cause i just came here to share that i’m laying here on my brand new puter somebody looved us enough to buy us and even sacrifice themself a new bed they desperately need for us – for US dude – not many people does stuff for us -while we’re t rapped in this damn bed most the time suffering.  its like a miracle almost. for real. i aint even kidding

oh and playing pogo.  on my brand new puter somebody loved us enough to buy for us so we dont lay here and be caaaarrraaaaazzzzzyy.  

dammit if jess dont stop coming in here and disturbing that  puppy i’m gonna kill her

amy

6-13-09 – Drake & a little Cody… we cant even die like a “normal” person – oh yeah and a quote’s on here

its 7 a.m. another sleepless night.  started off being because littles here got triggered off about “getting got” in the night so we had to stay up until the “safe” time.  also something else happened upsetting. and we were so fucking sick for hours

oh yeah and then so riley our 18 year old maltese shits blood at like 5 a.m and that was when we just gave up and turned the damn coffee pot on after the almost hour it took us to clean him up and comfort him and calm ourself the fuck down

 i think we had a couple of short sleep things in the night and thats it.  part of it is also the overwhelming pain sometimes accompanied by nausea that can be so severe your just certain your fixing to die for sure. 

we’re eliminating a fraction of what we should  be and even though this latest med is making the stools soft enough to pass without making us bleed, there’s so little of it.

and also we dont sweat.  we found out that’s one of the symptoms of toxicity.  we havent sweated for years as a result of our CNS/neuro disease but except for  the period when we almost died from toxicity at Baylor, its never gotten anywhere near this bad.

dude we don’t even always have tears when we cry anymnore – another natural way the body eliminates toxins. 

yesteerday we were so sick we only managed to eat once, and that wasnt a lot.  and that was on pain patch change day. but our dose has been cut by third trying to reduce the toxicity because evidently fentanyl builds up in your system if you don’t eliminate it. 

 so we’re back to the reduced dose  patch – meaning pain level back in BAD control – and its only working two days instead of the three its supposed to, and it doesnt generally start working until some time in the early afternoon after placing it mid morning, and don’t feel good patch day ever. 

the second day (which would be today) is generally the best day pain and nausea-wise and when we can get the most calories and shit down us.  and also our best strength day – but we’re so fucking weak now that “best” is well its pathetic that’s what it is.  our own father put it right on the nose when he was asking questions one day recently and he suddenly said all kinda shocked and like devastated and shit “your a prisoner”.  yeah.  yeah we are

and our brain doesnt work good enough anymore to do the imagery and other techniques to help with our own pain control like we were able to do for the first two damn decades of this crap.  hell there’s so many other mults with chronic illnesses that  people here like sharon and lisa taught those techniques to.  you can do so much to control your own pain IF you can fucking think well enough to concentrate!!!  shoot me

oh God help us

then by the evening of the second day, the patch starts to stop working. by early morning patch day we’re sick.  by mid morning if Jess hasn’t woken up we hagve to get her up because we’re starting to have withdrawals and we aren’t strong enough anymore to make the damn patches adhere to our skin so we have to get her out of bed even when she doesnt have to work just to put our damn patch on. 

last night there was hours of oh god the worst i cant even describe it.  we could just keep telling J “I feel funny” “something’s wrong” “I don’t feel right”.  on top of the unbearable pain and off and on nausea.  we are so fixing to get our ass thrown in the hospital.  i just know it.  did i say we only were able to eat once yesterday. dude that juyst wont do

then i don’t know what happened but one of our very disturbed littles got mega triggered off last evening evidently for a long time and nbody at Hom could bump her. I finally managed to bump her from here. 

 actually it was more than one of our littles.  one started it, and hell i’m confused now but either one or two of that group who all look alike got in to it.  it was hell

man that’s twice this week.  that i know of.  twice that we’ve had littles come out wigged out and completely out of  control. 

dude that just doesnt happen to us.  that is such a rare occurrence since we became adult in the body and almost all us here standing have never even dealt with this hardly  at all RL (real life) and we’re like what the fuck

Now its morning.  another day.  I do not hve a good feeling about how this is all progressing.  and oh dude every time one of those have you had a family member die from fetanyl patch things comes on tv we just wig the fuck out. gawd

*

anyway that was all like totally completely random.  i actually came here to put a quote that struck me. 

Patrick Swayze, an actor that some here have always been a huge fan of, has terminal cancer and E’s done some bio on him or something and this commercial blurb comes on and this man looks like death walking and he says

“I’ve got a lot of things I wanna do.  I wanna see how far I can go”

and I thought wow you know that’s us too!  its not just us and the dad and Bill – all of us who’ve totally blown the predictions on us out of the water.  You get to thinking your the only one.  and then to make it worse, like the dad said after the fire when nobody showed up to help something like “sister when you’ve been sick too long people forget you”

but anyway patrick swayze saying that struck me because its what we keep saying too essentially.  only now for months, ever since that damn lymphadenitis and all the complications and the round after round of super antibiotics killed all the good bacteria or some shit and now we survived the illness and the fucking ”cure” made us toxic and might get us.  

please sGod just let me stay on topic like two sentences.  seriously

Its that we’re scared here dude.  there’s so much we wanna do and we have come to the realizatione that there’s no wayw in hell its gonna happen.  none of us can barely type anymore.  ___’s heirloom gift handmade by us special needlpoint is the only one finished.  the others are almost finished but we cant control our hands well enough to even type right anymore!   we’re not gonna make it to Disney world with our ______ and ________ that was our wish before we die.  its too late

and memorioes.  we HAVE to make memories.  as many and fast as we can.  good ones.  oh god in heaven i’m begging you please please let our lvoed ones remember us and remember jmore good  than bad. and sick like this for so long is bad.  we try so hard to hide it around everybody RL but John and Jess/hom but they’re not stupid. 

oh we should’ve died during all those surgeries over that open gut wound from the fall and radical and shit when NOBODY expected us to live we were told later by more than one med person.  we were told the other day our lowest recordd weight was 86. and we lost more than that

 we’re too debilitated and sick now and nobody here wants our loved ones to remember us like this.  so we obsess with chances and every opportunity to make a memory with any of them. 

if we’re gonna keep getting “miracles” and surviving complicatiosnm that kill most people withj our disease how about making some of these incidinces be like actual miracles and cut us a break for a while? sorry god

but we have things to do.  things to do!  and NO strength!  we’re fading.  i think we’re done.  oh god ii’m so tired. just tired. so tired

hwhat was i wrting about?  oh yeah that quote.  gawd

is there anybody else out there seeing this going through end-stage?  if you are do you want somebody to talk to? dude I do

 

ok yeah that was Drake.  this is Cody.  i’m gonna go try to get some nourishment in us before the next we surely gonna die from nausea or colon spasms shit hits

6-6-09 – Drake… our beloved luce-anne is dead… house fire too – there are still a few real heroes left

yeah this’ll probably be short.  we can hope anyway.  actually let me stop a second and thrwo up a quick prayer because if this isn’t very short that’ll mean i was unable to stop myself from going off and say thingsa i shouldnt say about some people. and i dont have the strength mentally emotinally physically anywhiuchway to go off

*

house fire several days ago. nobody was killed or seriously injured, including our pets.  and thats the thing for us because we’ve lost two family members and a;lmst two others to fire and another famikly member lost their home and pets.

j crired for days that she almost killed us and destroyed our kitchentrtying to cook for us.  our angel that we’d be in a nursing home except for her.  god give her peace please for gods sake please.

. mostly j keeps crying that she almost killed us.  but we kept telling her what our fam’s been through with fires and any fire in which nobody dies is a good fire.  and we have insurance. dsupposedly the best money can buy.  we’re fixing to find out if the big bucks we’ve been paying for years for the best insurance is gonna have been worth it

 john miraculously saved the house.  we have no kitchen though.  well actually we havehalf a kitchen.  the sink side. and half the house inclduing all our original artwork  has to be cleaned by smoke damage professionals.  \

then the construction people will come in and rebuiold our kitchen. we were offreed to be put up in a hotel with meals and all but wouldnt leave our pets so we sit almost busted having to buy fast food cause of our cachexia and all the time before jess came we cant hardly choke downa sandwich cause cant cook and selfish ass concerned with their own lives people living the life - shut up drake

*

then our beloved boxer, Lucy Anne (lu lu, luce-anne) died in a tragic accident the next day or day after its all blurred together in our dying mind – almost in front of our house in our mega quiet neighborhood where nothing ever happens when she oh god stepped out in to the street at the exact moment out of fuckingh street iun which nobody even goes down the dambn strett for soemtimes fuckinghours at a time.

lu loved everyone. every one. she loved mommny (Jess/Hom), nana (us)  and ___ best but she was a joy every where and to everyone. even people who didnt like dogs loved that dog. she went to petsmart regularly just to visit. well and spend half of hom’s chck on her baby, spending the other half on the _____.  that cant be right because thatleaves noithing. ok i exaggerated. b ut the point is even there she wasw loved and megaspoiled and peoploe would stop them going down the halls and say oh god thats the most beautiful boxer and most wonderful loveing one i ever saw!

jess dressed that dog.  no i’m not kidding.  we have a million picutres and stories.  now they will all be memories and not storeies.ohgod cant continue on that

and every single morning she gave us a mi,lllion morning kisses. every monrngin from her first day to her last. afer she got house trained sometimes she had to do a fast runby kiss kiss and run or if it was really almost too late dash outisde and then rush back in and kiss us to death.

oh god boxers slobber.  and she would kiss you throught the day, all day every day.  and kiss syou goodnight a hundred time – loving you with every bone in her body.  i never seen usch a loving dog. oh god how i could give anything to have her slobber me to death rightnow

she slepty on our feet.  jess finally left in and said find sleep with nana.  she got so big she had two pillows!   we kept one. cant let it go. gave the other to jess.

the day of the fire she was a big girl for the first time. at 7 months old.  i was collapsed on the patio and i had my gigantic gracie on one side of me and luce-anne with her chest puffed out so big she looked double her side and vicious ness coming outta her we didnt even know baby had in her.  those dogs were not letting those men examin me.   

 jess kept screaming at jnohn to get me in a chair before they arrived or they would for sure put me in the hospital paralized not undrestanding my cns bugs out in traumas and shit and willc ome baak in a while or day or two and he finally ran out threw me in the closest lawn chair and ran back in to the fire with sharon screaming hysterically leave the house! you mean more to me than the house!let the house go! let it go let it go let it goibut he saved it.

our firre alarm was working coprrectly and the battery was good. the fire cfaptian said those ones people buy in the sotres dontalways go off and people should go to them to get our fire alarms and we were like well why are the stores allowed to sell those!@ and he said he didnt know.  they gave us one of theirs.  jess checks it obsessively

but fire captan praised john to the highest.  john is a hazmet certified andevidfentyly did everything right.  he said john absoltuely saved the house and you can see the several places the fire made it almost all the way throughthe sheet rock and everyone knows it then travels instantaneously right up the wall and into the attack and thats the end of your house.  fire marshall said john had less than a minute left when he was able to turn the tide.

*

‘and jess placed our feet and hands in “normal’ positions as possible and stood behind our lawn chair holding our head up with her stomach unobtrusvieely and every time those firemen/ambulance guys would poke their head out and want toe exaning me our lucy alone only 7 months old would go oh no you are NOT getting anywhere near nana!!!!!

and jess would slightly bob my head from behind and assure whoever it was neuro disease and terminally illa dn tis hapens and i was fine just fine.  she later said she felt like weekent at bernies.  god i love her andher morbid humor in the face of disaster. it makes her fit in so perfet here.

and at first myb abya GRace  waws nowhere. i knew she was in the house looking for me.  i knew it.  she was the onlyh dog wouldn’t foolow me out. 

 well jess had to runinto the liing room and grab riely cause my cns was going and i knew it and i hade to make a sbnap decision that it would be much easier to grab my 4 pound dog and carry hinm and make it to the door and try to get us both out of the house whe n you couldent even see the person hardly nexts to you.  dude we knew our cns was going. sometimes you can feel the neeldle stings and burnsand you know and we knew they’d have a better chance getting riley than trying to get me in the what jess calls jello phase out of the house

spook would not leave john.  every damn time those men tried to exsamine me and oh belive me they just cracked that door they were obviously lafraid of my dogs and dint wanna havge to mace them spook would shove past them back to johnn  we told jess stop fucking running in the house and grabbing spook your not going to make it !   doesnt anybody knwo the you arent supposed to renenter a house fucking rule!  anywa that her man.  spook wouild rather die with john than die over his body.  just let her be with him

do you know how fucking fast a house burns down@!  this is not an old or fucked up house dude.  minutres. you have literally minutes from the first flame until your house is gone and whoever is in it is dead or cant finsigh that

*

but no GRace!  oh god where was our baby!  she had to be outside whent he fire strated and the smoke billopwing out the back door stopped her so she jumped through jess’ open window to get back ion to the ouse and was searching for me. 

and i think somebody was scream saving grace save grace and john scremaing i cant leave the fire!

 

then suddenly jess b  ooms her “hed-o baby” (her speciual call for grace, who jess always said our dogs were switched. she said your dog loves me more and mine loves yo more) anyway. 

 i guess grace heard that and assumed her jessie would never calle her if she didnt have mommy so our head happened to be facing jess’ window (that open window at the back of the house at the end of the laong hall was what causwed the back,ash=-like movie reaction of the wall of smoke whoosing down the fucking hall. 

anyway my eyes were there staring at that window and we felt we were screaming her name but evidently our voice was weak and so slurred she never hjeard us.  and she ignored jess calling her name until the hed-0 bab. 

and we started obsessively at that window pleading with god to make our  baby grace stop looking for us before the smoke inhalation got her and jumpt through the fucking open wind when she finally  responded to hed-0 baby

 

and i swear to god it was a lassie moment as that huge black dog came soaring full-tilt, full god 8 feet of her seems like strethced out through smoke billowning ouw the window. 

then gracie immediately  took up her spot on the other side of her mommy from lucy in the weekendin bernie situation and you could hear teh relieve in lu’s voice for a moment cause she was alone and just a baby but she waas by god gonna protect nana with her lfie against the terrified people covered in space suits and uniforms .

*

it funny how we were so hyperaware througha lll that.   like noticing that lucy took up position first alone – our 7 monmth olkd baby being a big girl for the first time and barrelling out that gigantic boxer chest and telling those “bad” guys with a bark the size that’d make any full 250 pound mastiff proud  ”i WILL eat you if you take one step more toward my nana” but interspersed she’d whimper for her doggie mommy – grace.

*

te first night we brought lucy home, she immediately i mean immeantieatly ran to grace and announced (swear to god, anybody there can testify) “your gonna be my mommy” (her mommy was brindle, our lu lu was fawn) and i guess huge black female dog was close enough to her to figure “hey new mommy”

and i wellw we kept telling hom do not let those men out here they’ll have to mace my dogs to examine us cause i’m telling you those weree big dogs and they meant business,  and our baby lucy would never recover emotinally from that.  and we knew the cns collapse would pass anywhere from a few minutes to a day or two

*

*

our beaatiful wonderful loving blessingfrom god luce-anne is dead.  it was a mniracle that if she had to die, she died happy and instantly (like our beloved anniethan k god), her and her doggie mommy grace running to each other.

our gift to jess/homcause they started crying they needed something of their very own so us and ________ diud exhaustive reasearch cause she’d had a mastiff/pit mix which was just out of the question first cause of size and our consitionand second cause too many okies are still terrified of pits.  but _+________ and i did the research, found a pup in th emastiff family that was the smalled of the mastiffs and went on and “adventure”and surprised our beloved Jess/homwith the baby for xmas last year. i cant ay anymore icant se for the tears now. thank you god i guess. i went off but you did keep me from saying anythi9ng i shouldnt about people i didnt wanna.  i’m still mad at you god but your god so ifigure you undersand

i held her cause my J asked me to and i got a chance to sneak and make sure our baby died instantly.  i hom to knwo she sdid not die like copper.  she died like annie with a beatufiful smile still on her face with one smalll injuiry – fucking fate in all the freakish things that made up this accident – hit in the fucking temple.

i had one wolf blanekt left.  they were my treasures.  ihad given one to a person who didn’t deserve the gift of such a treasure to me and one to jess that she’d had stolenf rom her in NYC.  i had burried annie in one.  that left me one. 

i asked john to get it and he said are you sure.  i was.  he knew from that that i was in charge i guess and that we wer going to bury her my wayt like we did annie, next to my beloved Annie. 

we gathered faorite toys and sticks and every treat we had we knew she loved that we had.  by thenf inally somebody sbhowed up.  the most wonderful friends of jess .  i asked thenm to put ice cream with lu’s treats and got this um you do unmderstand that its summer and thats gonna melt but I know my J and i knew what she wanted.  luce-anne loved ice cream.  she was getting ice cream. 

john and i dressed her in her obience graduation dress J was so proud of with her oh so cool princess hoodie on cause that’s what my J wanted.  and we placed her beautifully before J/hom viewed her one more time

J/hom couldn’t bear to bury her.  asked me to say the words.  so papa dug the grave and nana buried our baby for her mommy.

thjhere. i did the best i could. 

*

i’m stricken by part of our new tagline. I think its “if today is our last day”.  People PLEASE please don’t don’t waste your life on hates and grudges and getting back or whatever.  this is a prime example – from the fire to the loss of one of our babies – today could be your last day.

5-26-09 – Drake… Gilda knew – quote on dogs

I greatly admire Gilda Radner – one of the original SNL cast, and a person who actually led a quite difficult and tragic life at times, and who died very young of cancer.  I admire her so much that, during the hard online time, I made a addy for a while “GildaKnew”, referencing to a quote I’ve had on my sites for years which she said while dying. 

Gilda wasn’t just one of the funniest people who ever lived IMO, but that woman made some very astute observations.  Here is one…

I think dogs are the most amazing creatures because they give unconditional love. They are the role model for being alive.  …Gilda Radner 

*

People here have always loved dogs; but, in this end-time of our life, we have learned more about them than we even thought was possible to know while we’ve spent our days – and nights – in such close quarters with ours.  I guess you learn a lot about someone (or another species *wry grin*)  when you spend months, now turning in to years being so ill that your on home health/end-stage care, confined in large part to your house, especially your bed. 

Dog ARE loyal and wonderful.  They love you no matter what.  They think you are the most great thing since people bites *g*. 

They will cuddle and love on you, play gently with you.  And some of our greatest memories, particularly in these last 2+ years have been of times with our dogs – tmes in which they make a tremendous difference in our life – even bolstering our will to fight to live another day.   or even – like now because we feel like shit and are so weak – they’ll lie peacefully and happy just to be near you – and I know damn well they are convinced they’re protecting you – surrounding you with their bodies, freely giving of mountainous vibes of love. 

Our dogs make certain we are never alone.  Riley does’t really count in that regard since he’s 18, blind, almost deaf, and totally dependent on us, so spends the vast majority of his time on his pillow beside our head on in the arms of one of us, Jess or ____.   but generally, we have at least three of them around us; and, when we are doing really bad, these dogs will literally take turns “watching over us”, making certain that we are always surrounded by at leasat several of them ever minute in these times. 

When the pain is so bad we can’t stand it, they’ll literally wrap themselves around you as if they’re giving you some of their strength.  I do know that their body warmth helps.  And there’s no value which is possible to even be placed on the encouragement and morale-boosting they give.

They remember you, are there for you, when almost everyone else in the world has become worn out watching you slowly slip away – you are their life, clean and simple.  You are important to them.   They will never betray you nor let you down.  They bring humor and silliness – and can always bring a smile – no matter how bad the sickness and/or pain and/or emotional pain is on any given day.   When you feel overwhelmed, they will lay their head on your shoulder (or head lol) or will literally put their “arm” around you and lie next to you.

And, n our case – being mult – they KNOW us – they really know us.  In fact, they love us all, but they each have indviduals here which they are most attached to.

I know I’m being all hokey and shit, but in my personal opinion, I think dogs can be a miracle to person, and that they are one of the greatst gifts God gave mankind.  So, when I saw this quote from Gilda Radner this morning, I just had to post it and ramble on about it a bit. 

Drake

5-14-09 – Drake… FYI – nothing here is private anymore

Several weeks ago, amy wrote an entry which she wanted password-protected but she did something wrong or there was some glitch in WP or something and, evidently, what happened instead was that every password-protected entry on this site appeared to be suddenly open.  Now, I don’t know if they really were open or not.  I do know that, for the last few years – ever since several fucking traumatizing episodes to people here in which somebody here wrote something on LJ they intended to be private but hit the wrong button or some shit – only to have alll hell break loose and voracious accusations of doing it on purpose –

anyway ever since that time, any time anybody here writes anything we want private or password-protected, we then immediately sign out and then go to the journal to see if we can see the entry.  Its a paranoia thing – I can own that.

At any rate, Amy finished her note , password-protected it, signed out and then went back to this journal to check and make sure it couldnt be seen only to find every single entry on this site open.  Or apparently so.  I don’t know.  Seems unlikely to me.  I figure its more likely that she wasn’t actually signed out or something. 

But, whatever it was, after trying to “fix” the problem for about 15 minutes, somebody here checked the stats – and I’ll be damned but there had already been a bunch of hits (WP doesn’t count your own hits).  Although we’re used to be famous – or infamous - or whatthefuckever we are - but it does get old and massive paranoia and hysterics ensue because of this overwhelming fear around here of unintentionally causing “trouble” (even though we know for a fact now since the court thing that, not just online attackers, but EVERYONE – including shock of shocks even us – can say whatever we damn well please).  but nobody wants to hurt anybody anymore or cause any trouble or open anything back up so we try to be careful. 

First of all, we’re just done.  Secondly, we never intended to hurt anybody to begin with in all that – which happened seems like a life-time ago now.  

We just want to talk about our faith, and our gratefulness to God for every extra moment He gives us (even when particular entries might not be coming across on the grateful side). But, so very importantly t0o, we’re end-stage on intensive home care just to try to die at home and not in a nursing home - so the last thing we want are any more rounds of online trauma aimed at us over soemthing somebody here writes – or wrote years ago. 

we’re already down, people.  No point kicking a dead horse so to speak. 

Some here just wnat/need a place to write some, vent our feelings about illlness and facing death and life – whatever.  Sometimes we want to talk about our faith and the miracles in our live.  We want to talk about things we’ve learned, epiphanies, memories – and the making of memories. 

We want to talk about our multiplicity – and what a freaking double/triple/quadruple whammy it is to be a few teens trapped in an older woman’s dying body.  

we want to post lyrics and quotes and

Sometimes we want to have some humor here – write semi-offensive funny shit or post videos – just whatever dude.   fuck, we’re a bunch of teenagers.  we just wanna act like it sometimes.

We want to talk about who and what we struggle to live every day we can pull out of this for – our family and pets.  but Hell, we don’t even write about family anymore in public, except Jess and John – which leaves gigantic holes in the good things still going on in our life.  But there are extremely valid reasons why we no longer write anything public -

and that brings us to one of the biggest reasons we decided to open so much up (yeah I finally went along with it, even came to agree with it) –

aside from the hope that our struggles with tryng to die with some dignity might help somebody/ies else who might happen upon this journal, we also decided to open a lot of things up hoping to encourage other people who have been attacked online. 

And, like the reasoning which finally got through to me, its impossible to encourage others who’ve been online attacked if you don’t talk some about what happened to you – and, particularly, if you don’t tell what you eventually did about it. 

In order for people being online attacked to feel at least some empowerment, or even hope of empowerment, they MUST know/be told/see-read examples from somebody/ies else who’s been through that.  People who have done something about it have got to get the word out that you don’t have to be a victim – you CAN do something about online attackers.

What we ended up doing was taking some people who wouldn’t stop to court, requesting protection orders (I might be using the wrong term for the situation because our brain is well not what it was before end-stage hit).  

Actually, in our case, we didn’t do it – the online attack on us was so protracted and so vicious – didn’t even stop after we became end-stage and got put on home health care with daily aides for what’s left of our life – that it became um extremely detrimental to our struggle to survive longer, and one of the medical professionals on our case took action – with other vital members of our medical team entering in to the situation as well.  and they filed it on our behalf.

*

So, with the new goal being to make this journal a place in which we don’t have to worry about whether anything here got password-protected/privated correctly, what we’ve ended up doing for the last few weeks is going through this entire journal, deleting entries which are so full of anger, bitterness, hurt… that there’s no way to tone them down enough to open - or salvage any part of.   Since we’re very ill and weak, its taken a lot of effort and a long time.

About half the previously password-protected/privatized entries had portions which were salvageable; and, in some of them, we feel that things are said which will either explain a lot about us and/or might make a difference/help somebody/ies else…

so about half the previously closed entries on this site are now open in amended forms. 

anyway so that’s it.  you can now feel free to hit this a billion times.   just remember – we’re doing this for ourself  AND for people who either knew us “before” or might happen upon this, hoping that the parts of our personal story we’re choosing to put in this place might make a difference, make somebody/ies else not feel alone anymore or maybe like they’re the only one shit happens to.

*

Oh yeah one more thing – it would thrill us to death to see/talk to old friends again.  If I – or anybody here – ever hurt you or whatever, again, for us all, I’m sorry.  We actually remember very little of it.  And, if you hurt – or whatever us -  we probably remember little or none of that either so don’t let old arguments or fights or whatever shitty things I said or did in my past – or whoever here – or you might have said or done to us – stop you if you wanna say hey.  If we don’t remember you, or have to be reminded who you are, apologies in advance – our disease progression is kicking our memory ass.

If you want to contact us, and can’t remember our addy, all our comments have to be approved – just write a little note, and say you don’t want it publicized (for reasons which, trust me, we’ll understand), your just making contact – and we’ll write you back.

*

Also, we’ve had quite a lot of comments – which we have not accepted.  and that’s a shame because some people have commented and said some very nice and encouraging things about our journal.

As we tried to make clear on our intro thing though - if you appear to be a business site…

or if we don’t know who you are and you have not linked us back to your personal WP – or include a  personal name/addy we recognize – we’re not clearing any comments. 

*

Damn I hope this made sense.  I tried hard.  making sense isnt alway so easy anymore.   At any rate…

 

the peace-loving hippie, can’t we all just get along , Drake

3-26-09 – Gypsy… Grace off to possible major surgery – we’re a wreck

Its patch changing day so I dont know how sensical this is gonna be since the late afternoon/evening/nite/morning of patch day is always full of pain and sickness beyond what we deal with daily anyway at best.  like, for instance this time, we’ve been in pain/sick hell since late afternoon yesterday – so the opiate patch only works 2 days on us instead of the 3 its supposed to.  then  its still aabot an hour and then it takes a while to take effect.  we know the dose needs raised or something,b ut we’re in our trying to deal with the overwhelming fear of docs and getting back into the swing of going thru medical shit and experimentation til another pain reigmen cocktail that works is found.

We just sent Gracie (our year old labradoodle) off to possible surgery for what the vets think is a torn ACL in her back leg.  After Annie (our 1st labradoodle, adored by all, who died at age 2 within weeks of being diagnosed with being ate up with cancer of the heart and lungs – when ALL her chest x-rays were CLEAR totally just months before when she got sterilized so figure that one out), we’re like a total basket case.

Grace seems to have recovered from her injury I think about a month ago now? remarkably tho.  We even took a chance and took her and Lucy to the dog park the other day.   

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Lucy is  Jess’ boxer we got her for Xmas cause she was begging for her own dog, and her previous dog was a mastiff mix – which was obviously outta the question for us to have here in the house with us now altho some here have always desperately wanted a mastiff.  But when we tried to go down the road again of possibly getting a mastiff for Hom our kids just went nuts outta fear that it’d accidentally hurt us since we so weak and shit now that we can be knocked over by a feather – so we got Lucy for Hom instead since boxers are in the mastiff fam – just like a very small version.  

Luce-Anne is wonderful, and everybody adores her.  One of our girls is now obsessed with wanting a boxer now.  In fact, everyone who meets Lucy was HER – she’s so totally like a huge success – and Jess (well all us)  dote on that dog.  she’s so ubberspoiled – but then all our dogs always are.   

The other day, one of the _ _ _ _ _ _ observed “Jess treats Lucy like she’s a dog toy”.  It was hilarious but true.  She all dresses her up all the time and shit – and she goes to doggy school – and she’s got a gigantic toy box. 

Our Mutt and Jeff (Grace and Lucy) are such a joy and so funny.  Gracie (still a pup too remember) and Lucy (now about 5 months old) just fill the house… and yard.  Grace takes everything out – in to her “domain: – the back yard, while Lucy brings everything in – her fave of all being sticks so gigantic that we’ll be like how the hell did you get that thru the dog door?  lol   they’re a mess

Anyway Jess is gonna try to make a show we can publish of Grace and Lucy’s 1st trip to the dog park and, f she does, we’ll post it here.  Its gonna be kinda hard tho, and probly short, cause the _ _ _ _ _ _ are in most of the pics.  Maybe she can make a slide show of them both together in some of the thousands of pics of them (LOL) and just include whatever few picks she can glean fromm the dog park outting after cropping out other fam members out.  what a shame and paiin in the ass that we have to be so careful now and do that. 

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Anyway so at the dog park, Grace was like a dog in heaven.  She had so much fun it was ridiculous.  and she ran like the wind all over that about 5 acre park – complete with shallow swimmng pond for the dogs.  She showed no limp – there or since – and she hasn’t acted sore at all, so we’re hoping with everything in us that she donthave a torn ACL and won’t have to have that big surgery.  we’ll know in a while tho.  Its just really hard and scary – even for us so-called hard-asses here.  but then we’re all suckers for dogs and kids so I dont think any of us are hard-asses at all where either of them are concerned.

We’re all like nervous wrecks here of how we gonna deal with this giant dog’s recovery (especially with a VERY rambunctious boxer in the house – who BTW decieed day 1 that Gracie’s her mother)?   well we’ll see if we have too.  maybe she won’t have to have the big surgery.

Ok well the waiting game is on.  we’re praying for our baby.  We just gotta hold on to faith that God’ll be merciful and not allow another puppy/young dog to die on us.

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Oh yeah, the dog park was full of big dogs but Grace and one white siberian were the two biggest dogs there.  That just weirded us out cause I mean we knew she’s a monsterdoodle like her predecessor (we purposely picked out another pup that showed all the signs of being another “bohemoth”.  but we had no clue how really huge Gracie is til she got around other big dogs.  wow  And she’s still just a pup.   

Labradoodles are a designer dog originally from Australia.  the real ones are the standard/”giant’ poodle and lab – so we’re talking big dog on any of them.  Then Labs grow til they’re 2 and then they fill out.   And their labradoodle coat don’t come in til they’re past 2.  Annie’s coat was just coming in to the point that she was looking  f-i-n-e when she coughed one day – and then was dead weeks later.   Like Annie, gracie’s coat is beginning to come in along the top of her back ridge – so she, like Annie did too, looks like she has a mohawk right now.  its funny

a couple weeks ago or whenever that was she was at the vet with this injury Grace weighed in at I think 67 pounds then.  That’s a BIG labradoodle – even for a full-grown male – and she’s a female and hasn’t even started filling in yet.   

Gracie’s magnificent – like Annie was before her.  Please God let this one live and mature and not die from some weird malady nobody’s ever heard of  – - -

heart cancer?!!?!?!  Who’s ever even heard of heart cancer?  We was a medical transcriptionist our whole career in one of the top teaching hospitals in the country and nboody here remembers EVER even hearing of freaking heart cancer.  So who’s ever even heard of heart cancer?  Go ahead and think on that – I’ll wait.   Nobody.  that’s it. nobody’s ever heard of it.  Our vet (who’s our body age) had never even heard of it.  anway sigh

 anyway and pleasae God let her reach her full potential and have a long happy life.  

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k John just got back from dropping Gracie off at the vet.  oh please god dont let her have to have that big surgery!  oh yeah and please God help us not be crazy today while waiting to be called that our baby’s ok

G