7-30-09 – Amy… more trying to figure things out – and begging – and Jeff Hardy vid on here too

Ok its cody.   i just read this.  and i got the vid she wanted on her to load.

 to some things she wrote here – umm… to others, wow amy shocked the shit outta me.  i’ve always considered her this really cute twittery air-headed kid even tho we’re the same age.   I had no clue she had even the capacity to get such insight into Drake and what makes him tick. 

i did noticed something tho.  her brain’s kinda scrambled or something cause she repeatedly refers to the song on the vid she posted in her entry last nite – that bon jovi one – cause there aint no music on this one.

  anyway so amy speaks and mountains move?  well maybe shake a little at least anyways.  we’ll see

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*

K so i gotta write about this thing some more. but 1st i’m gonna post one of my personal fave moments of Jeff Hardy – when he jumped a 30 feet drop swanton on the evil orton.

 it hapens about 4-5 1/2 minutes into the vid as you watch his struggle with himself as well as his determination to end the evilness attacking him and his as he climbs higher and higher with orton further and further below totally kocked out. and then.

and before he jumps, he does this defiant i will not be beaten attitude thing and screams so similar to I’ve seen Drake that it kinda wigs me out.

I know at those times i seen Drake do stuff like that or heard about it later it both terrifies me and makes me feel safe cause i know that dude with him fighting FOR me, aint nobody never gonna get me and keep me to hurt me.

*

 anyways so in this vid below, Jeff swanton jumped that death-defying leap and dude everybody thot they was both gonna bite it. its so real and so obvious and you can tell from the un-miked talk of the paramedics off-camera.

here once again, Jeff (again like Drake has done so many times) had done somethng out of incredible recklessness and determination

and then determined to finish it, make it right, do the right thing, he threw all caution to the wind, refused to quit, refused to be beaten, and risked his own life – willing to sacrifice himself to stop this person who was trying to destroy him and his. (yet another thing anybody who knows – and aint gonna lie about it – has seen or known of Drake doing)

minutes of pandemonium following this incrediible disasterous moment on the video as you can hear un-miked paramedics talking to each other. they attend to orton first cause i think thgey really was afraid he was gonna die right there in front of thousands (it had literally happened just a few years ago at another event to one of the Harts, and its happened several times over the years that the wrestlers get literally killed in the ring)

so trhey fast as they can to orton, who looks dead but you can hear the parametics saying he’s still breatyhing and telling each other to hurry.

 then the other smaller set of paramedics attending jeff are joined by some of those who’d been on orton and they get him finally extracted too from the destruction he’d caused when he landed and all the debris covering him and just everywhere by his reckless, extreme, foolhardy behavior that he was convinced he had no choice but to do (yeah yet another so-Drake behavior that i’m kinda getting wiggy just ttrying to write this and work thru it.

then as they wheel jeff out about 10 minutes 20 seconds into the vid, he raises his hand to let the people who loved him (which is like almost everybody who loves pro wrestling – he’s a huge hero) know he was still there fighting to live. evil did not beat him.

 (and yeah oh god but i swear that too was so Drake – always always worried more about his loved ones than himself – sening a message “i’m here, don’t give up on me, dont forget me”)

*

See? evil has never beaten Jeff Hardy. nor loss nor tragedy nor stupid mistakes. nothing. nothing has beat that man. many think he’s so driven and determined and “extreme” -

 they actuallyl call him “the extreme enigma (and umm doesn’t that also describe Drake too?) –

that Jeffs likely to join those who’ve died in the ring.

 and you know i think part of him wants to die fighting. i know Drake does. he’s said himself many times that he’s by god gonna go down fighting to his last breath.

 anyway here’s the vid

 

 

k i’m not done. its still pouring outta me like a broken water main shooting high in the sky and you cant turn off

 amyway so this is about our Drake and me still trying to get hold of all this and corelate it to what i been going thrui for months and why?

but how many times have i seen or been told of Drake fighting on no matter how hurt,how exhausted, how stacked the odds are against him – standing true to himself, standing on his beliefs, on his honor?

takingt sttupid outrageous risks, afraid of nothing, willing to risk it all for his goal or his loves? ,more times than I can count. and for those who really know Drake = and aint gonna lie – they’ve seen this all too

*

then there’s that song with the vid. omg for real soembody could tell me they channeled Drake when they wrote that song and i’d belief it. read this and tell me it aint him…

“this is for the ones who stood their ground… who never backed down. its my life.i aint gonna live forever. i just wanna live while i’m alive.” …”its my life” …Bon Jovi

*

 i think its the ‘its now or never’ part that’s drivinghim n ow like a locomotiive, like a bat outta hell, like somebody almost possessed – he desperately wants to convey some things before we die. he keeps saying and i belief him that he desperately wants his life to have counted for somethiong to somebody, he wants to have left this world having made a positive difference somewhere, anywhere.

 no that aint the Drake many knew in the first few years he was out. and it aint the Drake that was annihilated (AFTER he had changed oh so much for the good) by them that professed to love him. but its been the Drake people here – and people that won’t lie about it – has known for years. he truly needs to leave some positive legacy. i pray he gets to.

i’ve seen my dad Drake these last few years get heartbroken over and over. i’ve seen him so beaten and destroyed that nobody thot he stood a chance in hell of making a comeback. I’ve seen him stand on his honor no matter what every damn time – again, like Jeff Hardy, NEVER faltering on his belief, on his version of “honor”.

 I’ve seen Drake exhaulant,defiant, rebellious… I’ve seen him beaten and thot destroyed more than once. I’ve seen him determined.

 he gets this one special look when he’s determined. there’s a still of Jeff on that clip with him having exactly that look of Drake on him too – that determined as I said above you’ll have to kill me before I quit look. well and there’s more than one of other very Drake looks – exhaultant, defiant, bite me. them that also knew him 3D will see too whether they admit it or not

 *

so now i finally know. i guess evidently we all do here now. why i been having these hysterics over Jeff and all he’s been thru this last year. when i saw this vid and that 1st still of the painted tragic face – that Jess says oh yeah he gets exactly that look – and the others too – outside as well. when i saw that, i just feel apart and it all became clear – somehow i transposed Jeff and my dad, Drake. their lives have had many parallels

and that song – its my life by bon jovi omg that coulda totally been written about Drake. let me live my life. let me have a life – ANY life. let me be myself just sometimes, just a little.

*

 everybody who knows us knwos that i was afraid of him a d them other dark ones (here they’re called bads by well the goods and they call themseves “the way”) that came with him after the labyrithine block got accideentally broke by drew when he got obessed there was other people here somewhere and he could feel them or something. i cant remember.

 in the end, its kinda ironic that drake ended up more or less being our system historian, system explainer – only to get his writings studied to death by a betrayer to the point that oh god when it was decided to take us down, he had just handed our attackers every damn thing about us they needed and way way more ammo to kill a herd of elephants.

we’re still st anding tho. barely and for how long – or how long we’ll remember anything or anybody – i donno – but by god we’re still standing. TC’s a tough little bitch (k and bastard for the guys i guess).

but all the trauma around the online attack that only court could stop did shove us in to end-stage, and now organs are tryng to shut down again that’s shut down before on us and almost killed us. and we have a DNI we aint backing off of and our disease has entered our brain now too – oh the joy not – so who knows how long we have to live or how long we have to even remember anybody or anything? either way dayum. just dayum

 *

 but life Jeff Hardy has fought his entire life all odds just to live his life and achieve something, since the day Drake busted out into this RL, all he too has ever said is he wanted just, as he puts it, droplets of a life to get to live his way – just a piece.

he’s never been delusional. he’snever tried to take over the body – and there’s been times he coulda took just his own bads with him and took over.

actually ironically his system is why we’re still alive today. its almost all them for a long time now. but they’re the renegades – they all like him – none of them never considered dark enough. and i aint scared of most of them no more. a few i still kinda am and avoid cause well all them is um different.

all them. Drake included. gypsy, cody, cam, ,eve – they aint like us. they’re different for sure. but is different necessarily worse? aint being different also part of being HUMAN?

*

 i’m gonna go to his books of his writings and find his droplets of a life and reprint it. sometimes my dad Drake can be well sometimes he astounds me. this person i feared so much at first i’ve grown to adore and love and admire.

and it is NOT his fault we’re dying even tho you’ll never ever convince him of it!!!! He manned up and told john everything – every thing – exactly that entailed I donno cause they keep things from me so i can defend and its part of how i do it (by being in the dark about most inside stuff). but i know John told him he just acted like any 16 year old boy woulda and he wasnt an adult in the situation, and terminally ill to boot, so he don’t blame him for whatever. but still he does blame himself

and cause of that overwhelming self blame Drake has, for a while now, I’v e seen a desperation in him, a determination (he puts it as being on a mission), to be heard. he desperately is trying to be heard and make a difference somewheere to somebody anybody before he dies.

he says so he feels his life meant something and also i think its cause its the only way he can deal with the guilt he feels over his absolute conviction that he killed us by refusing to give up on lvoed ones until they flat pushed us over the cliff into the death-zone of our disease is to try to make up for it somehow by hopefully helping or encouraging somebody else.

*

 I’m so proud of Drake. this guy who busted out here years ago and immediately gravitated to other “bads/darks”, and raised all kinds of hell for a long time, and scared the shit outta me and was well ok he was a dick a lot for a quite a while.

 but he started changing years ago when he realized himself that this whole i can’t say the word but its that thing that happened when we was a kid that almost got me and him both sacrificed and his father, our only what many systems call dark lord but we only had one so he was the dark ruler. but that terrifying damien who came here when we was 3 from somehwere with a few others as adults and been here since and oh they’re bad, and drake somehow ended up being the prince of the pit even tho he aaint the oldest son.

 but anyway after he finally figured out mostly anyways what that s_____ time was about, he knew – least I’m convinced he knows, he’s some key obviously. he’s a key to something or his own father the dark ruler who invaded our system when our body was 3 wouldnt a been repeatedly trying to destroy him his entire life.

 see my dad Drake is used to been being tried to be destroyed and ostracized and punished and trapped. his whole life inside and out’s been like that. and its so sad cause what i started realizing after a few years as he slowly metamorphsed into what he became that, like our beloved Jess/Hom, Drake is a remarkable person. andi wish he’d a got his little part of a life.

now its too late. it’ll never happen cause we confined to bed probly 85-90% of the time sincve the lymphadenitis and one piggy back horrible infection after another this last winter/spring, and jess and somebody here counted the other day a nd we was given i think i remember straight – like 5-6 rounds of superantibiotics just to save/prolong our life!!!!!!!!

well like our ___________ the specialty nurse said and our home nurse too, even a round or two of them superantibitics can kill a healthy person from killing off the good bacteria in the colon if it cant be gotten to grow again.

 that poltergeist kidwas only about 12 and died from it and some movie star a year or two did too – from the good bacteria in the colon destroyed.

 they say its a horrific death but sharon told them again like a few weeks ago when colostomy bag was brought up again to prolong our life no. no we ainty putting out family thru that. if it comes to that, we die when God says we die and how. but to die cause your colon has poisoned you to death? ewwwww

anyways they’re desperately trying t o get n ew bacteria to grow. and its a uphill battle cause we already have a severely damaged colon which has actually been in total shut-down on us before.

spasstic colon (now called IBS) was our 1st dx like in our 20′s or right at 30 or something. then we had that before this situation near death in 97-98 when we ended up having 3-organ shutdown at that famous baylor hospital where our kids found one of only like 6 docs in the country who knew anything about our disease. anyway since then when our colon, kidneys and stomach shut down we we wasnt even supposed to survive that but wee did. b ut now 10 years later looks like we gonna die from our 1st dx – colon disease now making us toxic again. and that just pisses me off and its so ewww

*

anyways so i totally strayed way off. i just gotta say i dont blame my dad Drake for our death we’re facing. nobody here does. john don’t. jess don’t. home nurse don’t. and i don’t. i do really REALLY hope we die quick and easy in the end and that we die before we forget our loved ones completely.

but I love my dad Drake for long time now and we was gonna die from this shit eventuially anyways. it just hurts my heart so bad to see him blame himself and when he breaks down and cries and gets hysterical and sobs sobs now since this the cure from all that winter/spring shit might be what kills us, he cries like i aint never heard nobody nbut sharon sob that hard after she started crying her 1st tears, screaming to god begging forgiveness of Him and our forgiveness and family forgiveness for “killing us” and begging god to just kill him cause he did it – he’s the one that brought us to this – he’s the one that wouldnt give up and quit against all odds – he’s the one deserves to die. that’s what he cries and begs god for. kill him, save us… so totally the Drake he became years ago.

 oh my daddy, Drake, you aint killed us. You did accomplish somf of what you wanted and needed to bad even tho i don’t think you’ll ever understand or get it –

you gave us all here, all us teens throwed to the front after the 97-98 near-death in those few years after one at a time –

YOU Drake YOU gave us a chance to each taste a little bit of life – RL – REAL LIFE. maybe in the sharing of it, you shared so much you dont realize that you cost yourself your share mostly. but you didnt kill us daddy. please stop believing you did. we still alive cause of you.

the kids and babies and john and jess/hom and pets still got us cause of you

 *

Drake’sdonly 16 and never fronted. even came kknowing we was termionally ill from day one and that we wasnt gonna live forever. He like that song just wanted to live while he was alive.

being 16 and having that burden – and the burden of a whole system – and the burden of spouse, kids, grands, just everybody around you being on your shoulders…

i dont care what nobody else says, i say you did good Drake. you got nothing to be ashamed of. you’ve made so many who’ve seen you evolve proud – especially since you took on what you call your mission to try to leave a positive legacy to somebody to make their life count and not waste it and also not to allow themself to be terrorized by online attackers cause there are ways to fight back thru the system.

you’ve made us proud here. for what its worth.

and oh god but the babies adore you “mister”. and the dogs adore you. and i know jess and john is proud of you. and I know Jess adores you. and i think john’s actually come to love you in a guy/guy kinda way. you really dont know what you mean to some people do you? you been too damaged.

 the truth is tho Drake your the strongest person i ever knew. and i admire you.

and now i can look back and especially watching this vid which jess has watched over and over too, and we both see you, even your stances and expressions in Jeff, i can watch this and say oh wow Drake, you was a force to be reckoned with. and i’m finally ready to say i’m proud to be your daughter.

*

 I got a request of people that knowed Drake maybe from the 1st when he was well he scared me to death and later. but i got a request.

 he’s asked repeatedly for forgiveness. please.

i know like nobody never listens to me. never. but i’m asking somebody/ies please come forward and just write him a note or comment and forgive him before we die or totally lose our memory.

i aint never seen nobody try so hard to turn around – and he has turned arouand. he aint that person he was the 1st few years. hasnt been for a long time. and he aint that person them online attackers annihilated and left destroyed. he’s good and kind and he still got his funny moments

 and omg but nobody nobody on this planet got a better laugh that Drake. Cody comes close i think. but everybody who’s ever known him 3D says that. cause DRake’s laugh comes from the soul. and when his tortured soul manages to really laugh, its infectious and it oh the words has left me. i guess that means my brains done all it can.

 i just beg again real quick expecting to be ignored like always. b ut i aint begging for me. for him.

he’s asked publically so many times to be forgiven. please forgive him before he dies or we forget everything and everyone. please.

please dont make him die feeling unforgiven.

its been years since the last even close to “bad” thing anybody could say Drake’s done. and people CAN change. so please please dont make him go out  unforgiven.

those that set out to by their own words to see our death, you won. we’re dying. can you take your win and find it somewhere in your heart to oh whatever. people’;ll do what they want. i never make a difference. i’m just the defender who can hold the front in disasters.

I am encouraged tho and so thrilled to see that one of his kids has done what he believes (and I do to) and managed to contact him just to tell him she still l.oves and remembers him and remembered his lessons to her to teach her to look to the stars to feel close to him.

oh baby, Aunt Amy loves you too. thank you thank you

God please don’t let never mind. i forgot. my brains stopping working. i’m gonna end with this quote at the end of that vid on this entry…

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 ”Those who dream by nite inthe dusty recesses of their minds wake to find it was all in vanity. But the dreamers of the day are the dangerous men for they may act their dream with eyes open to make it possible.”  …T.E. Lawrence

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 that’s my closing. i’m done and i hope i can re-read this and stop obsessing and figure it out and be done with it but i’m putting the quote above thats on the end of that video is also is soooooooooooo Drake that its gotta go here…

 dont give up daddy. dont leave me alone with these that i was afraid of to die without you cause i’m scared. dyings hard. k i’m done

just me amy

5-29-09 – Kelli… wow quote about after we’re gone

Someone once asked me what I want on my epitaph. Just the words ‘I tried’. That’s what this game of life is all about. Trying. There’s the tryers, the criers and the liars.  … Mickey Rooney

 

I’m holding the front so far this morning.  we’re in such dire straits here with the disease progression essentially killing off our fronters one by one (well not literally – rendering nonnfunctional would be a better choice of words probly) or damaging us to the point we cant front good.  and too about half us left cant front around um some people cause we’re too different and so not “acceptable”.  we try so hard to live longer for them – and dude that is not easy cause this is fucking hell and sufferng every minute of every day and nite – and we’re still not ”acceptable”.  just fucking shoot me dude and be done with it. damn

actually i happen to be one of the “acceptable” ones cause the family things I’m Sue (the host).  evidently I’m a LOT like her.  only prob is i cant eat so

 and theres like huge  life shit going on and oh dude we are so notn able to deal with regular life shit no more.  we panic we freeze up we wig out we get irrational we get confused we dont understand shit said to us.  oh gawd its a fucking nitemare. 

we dont need nobody to pile the guilt on us no more – altho it happens like oh all the time.  we do plenty good enough job of that on our own.  dont need no more help with that.  thanks tho.  now go away  ignore that.  i was having an immature moment

gawd we’re so damaged.  it makes me sick.  literally sick.  like for instance we’re always sick in the morning.  always. but  i literally got more than our usual morning sick from the opium  this morningn that i  almost passed out just cause something stupid and small to a “normal/well” person fucking upset my damnittohel fucking equilibrium and almost knocked me down – as i down i can’t function down. 

 i did fall down at least 2 times this morning in the sick and feeling like i was gonna faint spell.  like hit the floor fell and thats kinda unusual for us cause like all the other members of our fam witht his disease, we’ve mastered what the pros call the “controlled fall”.  in other words we can fall and look like we’ve broke our fool neck but fell “right” so didnt hurt nothing – or not bad anyway

anwayfucking way

gawd ever last one of us is affected by this and many other abilities lost.  not a damn one of us can stay on topic or type like shit anymore or spell like shit.  and evidently we were the best once upone a time dude.  made a career outta it.    now cause of our disease is in our brain and the progression we’re all affected and this is yet another case in point

as i was saying

anywayfucking way actually i’m one of the ones that’s a crappy fronter since the cachexia hit cause i dont eat – well unless its chocolate.  oh dude i love chocolate!   in fact i think there’s one of them rocky road brownies from city bites left from john getting us dinner last nite cause dude since the cachexia hit we get anything to eat we even fucking mention we might be able to eat. dude they literally feedus anything we can and will eat now. 

those here that eat are all about it.  i’m just like um i cant do that – but i can eat some chocolate.  so if one of them brownies is still there, i’m calling dibs.

anyway i’m like a crappy front er and can only front between meals.  how inadequate does that make me feel?  fucking fucking sigh

anyway i was looking thru Drake’s daily quote thing he’s got for years cause he loves quotes and i saw this one and i was like wow how many times have people here said exactly that!   that we just want so bad for people to realize when we’re gone that we tried.  oh yeah we’ve made hella lot of mistakes.  and some hella huge ones.  but we’ve never stopped trying.  and god please please i the end let the fact that we never stopped trying make a difference.  please

anyway this spoke to me so here it is

kelli

 

3-19-09 – Amy… “dead and gone” w lyrics for Drake

 

Jess helped me find this but i just wanted the justin timberlake part cause them other lyrics disturb me.  that’s the part Drake relates to anyway.  I hope before we die Drake finds himself again cause well there aint nobody as cool and stuff as him when he’s himself

Amy

3-18-09 – Cody… “lose yourself” video for Amy who loves Eminem

  

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I know your overwhelmed and have such a hella load on your shoulders for a long time  now.  Hang tough baby girl.

be encouraged.

…and i’m done.

Cody

2-16-09 – Drake… interesting dichotomy

People in my system (ok mostly me) ended up almost destroying us by refusing to give up on particular loved ones no matter what they did…

and then saving us

(well a few here in my personal system brought us back from the brink of death and keep up the fight to prolong our life as long as possible) 

by refusing to give up on loved ones who actually love us back.

*
I first wrote this back in october but I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Its true. If I and a few in my system had not emerged, TC  wouldn’t be in this situation.  But, if we weren’t here, when the inevitable place we’re at now did eventualaly happen, we wouldn’t have been here to step up and carry the load of prolonging our life.

Drake

2-1-09 – Drake… FYI – My disclaimer – and my thoughts on this whole TC opening things up matter

 

NOTE:  Ok well, after looking over what G and Jess worked on for hours yesterday to start opening things up agan – like every single pro and expert has told us to do because we made our stand, called the bluffs, “won” in a way (there’s more than one way to win, remember) and have proven we have NOTHING to fear but psycho raging mouths – so we don’t die feeling like we’re silenced and stuck in a corner.  anyway, I was reading last night some of what had already been opened (over on LJ) and ready to be open (on WP – keeping in mind that the vast majority of the journal was printed and deleted and is gone from over a year ago)…

 

and I was so fucking appalled to discover that the vast majority of what’s already been opened, and what’s set to be, just so happens to be MY writings that I had a massive panic attack.  My poor J had to deal with me for hours, going off like a girl, having a quite impressive panic attack i might add.  But she reasoned with me, and I slept on it – and, as usual, she was right so

 

anyway so why did I have a panic attack?  Well, because we’ve had in-fighting here for months about whether or not to stay silent and in the background or not as we die -

 

and I’ve been firmly on the NOT openig anything back up side.  I feel completely responsible for everything bad, devastating, life-altering, putting us in to his end-stage/terminal position God knows how many years before we would have reached this point because of my inability, refusal, to give up  on a situation made me the primary target of the vicious attack on us – and I have no desire nor plan to do or say anything ever again to make things worse on my people and family.

 

But, I’m tired of fighting over it, and I do agree that we have a right to choose how we die as much as possible – and I also don’t want to die dealing with the childhood triggers of being “disappeared” and “hiding” in attempts not to be noticed so maybe not get attacked.  So whatever ok. 

 

I am however, as stated, not happy that most of the shit being opened happens to be mine.  Like Jess pointed out though, my stuff is mostly “me” type writings – philosophical, trying to figure feelings out, dealing with pain and hurt – whereas most of what other insiders here have written is so full of anger and shit that, if opened, would just make certain people go off again. – and since there is NO intention here of fighting or whatever, what would be the point of that? 

 

 

Oh yeah btw, I know I don’t really sound like myself.  None of us do anymore.  and my ability to stay on-topic is virtually gone.  Plus, I’ve written virtually nothing in oh hell like forever.  Maybe this will help me too though and I can at least start writing about my feelings about dying and life and shit again.  who knows? 

 

 

Anyway so months ago I wrote this thing below.  we’d already had huge internal battles for a long time over the issue, and I was giving in and gonna post this below and let people here open up what they wanna.  However, fate stepped in again and we were stricken before thanksgiving with some weird unusual (of course) illness that could’ve killed us – and we’ve been sick and through hell since – so this all got put on the back  burner. 

 

Just this last week, we’ve started feeling some better again – beat the strange potentially deadly illnes, and gaining some strength.  So yeah of course immediately G and some others here have to be immediately all over the issue of wanting to open shit up again.  So whatever.  Ok.  I give.  Open it.

 

 this is however my personal disclaimer.  Just like I had little to do with a LOT of what happened to our system – although I was blamed for it all - this is not my idea, and I’ve fought it.  however, read below because I do understand, and agree, with the need, the right, to choose how we die as close as possible…

 

 

 

I don’t know how many people know, or care, that my system, TC, is terminally ill.  We have had an illness for years that we knew would eventually result in our death, but its here and real now.  has been for a couple of years now.  We have home health, the long-term care part of hospice (thats where they put you in our state if you “require nursing home-level care” but have a chance of living more than what they predict to be six months and have someone/s at home to take care of you).  The object is to keep people out of nursing home as long as possible and, hopefully, allow them to die at home. 

 

We have nurses, an aide half the day, all sorts of medical pros coming in and out of our house like a revolving door.  We are stsruggling to die at home.   we’re on an opiate  patch around the clock to keep the pain at a bearable level.  well mostly.  and i think aabout 16-17 meds altogether.  hell i don’t know.  to damn many

 

oh yeah, we’re all going to seem different now because we took a bad hit in our brain from the anesthetic of the last massive surgery almost a year ago when they removed just about everything inside us that they could.   since then our cognitive situation has been steadily deteriorating.  cant keep thoughts on track, get confused easily and often, can’t type for shit anymore.  also can’t remember shit – and that’s probably best from what i do remember of some things.  

 

anyway i’ve been doing a lot of thinking and i know a few here are hopping to write and express themselves again so, you know what?  ok. 

 

hell why not?  we were literally thrown into the fire, roasted in it, fried to a crisp – and STILL rose out of the ashes. and stood up for ourself through the system.   we’ve proven we truly are like the phoenix (the last name I and a few others here have always had and that more adopted) because we rise again and again, no matter what .  Rise8 and TC are synonymous.  we have as much right as anybody else to well its like this 

 

 

There’s a line from an old movie chics here love “nobody puts Baby in a corner”.  hokey yeah ok, but that line has been playing in my head for a long time now and I guess that quote kinda says it in a nutshell about me, about how I feel about what happened to us/my system.  I’m not speaking for others here -  just myself.  And I personally will not go out of this world, this life

 

 ok i’ll say it straight…

 

 

I’ve got no intention of causig trouble in any way.  I just refuse to die standing in the corner my system found ourself shoved in to iin the process of just trying to get the hell out of the way of haters so we could die in peace.  I intend to die in the open, unsquashed, and un-intimidated - surrounded by those who truly love us and want to spend our last days with us.

 

  i don’t have time or energy or suffifenct memory left to deal with haters or to hate anybody myself.  i’m all done hating.  its exhausting and i dont intend to shorten our life anymore from dealing with stress of stupid shit

 

in the end, we all have the choice to be mad, stay mad, die mad.  or not.  i choose not.  And i really hope that we’re just left alone.

 

Anybody/ies who thinks there’s even the remotest chance of drama, so will check our sites obesssively, is gonna be disappointed.  Although if anybody/ies here decides they want to open things up, or say whatever, that’s their business – not mine.  I can’t remember what I did yesterday much less be sure what I’m going to do or say tomorrow.  I kinda doubt they will, but if they do, they do.  And if them who did so before decide to stomp boundaries again, we’ve shown there are limitations to how far we will be pushed.

 

but I’m done trying to stop people here, quiet insiders, stay out of the way out of fear of those who get off on attacking dying people and saying ridiculous, outlandish crap and accusations.  I don’t have the time or energy to deal with, or to read, or to hear about, crap-spewing.  so whatever 

 

 

What have people in my system said from day one?  Sometimes, life simply comes down to standing – just stand.  and I just intend to stand.  I’m going to by God, and with God, die standing.  that’s all.  people can respect that, or can bite me.  I don’t really care which any more

 

I intend to talk if I want to, say what I want to, let people here open up sites – which so much time, effort and love have been put in to that, to us here anyway, they are pieces of art…  if I want to.  I came in to this real world with my head up and, by God, I’m going out the same way. 

 

 

So what am I doing then?  dude seriously i’m just exterting my right to freedom of speech, and freedom of expression.  I want myself, and whoever else here might want to, to spend this last period of our life unquashed, not silenced, and out of the corner. 

 

I personally prefer the wordpress forum so any writing i, and probably whoever here chooses to do, will be here at wordpress or on one of our myspaces.  I’m undecided about what all i’m opening, and i have no clue what others here might open.   

 

i think poeple will find that what me and others here have to say now and for however long we have will be feeling shit, thoughts on living and dying, what it feels like to be for instance a teenaged guy in a dyingn o lder female’s body,w hat it feels like to have your life and memory melt away. 

 

maybe something somebody here has to say will help somebody else, mult or not, to deal if they too are facing the end of their lives or if they are overwhelmed and just done with being trapped in somebody else’s body or whatever. 

 

maybe what i, or who3ever here says, will mean nothing to anybody.  don’t know.  don’t care anymore unless its positive.   this isn’t about trying to convince anybody of anything about me or my system or anything like that or negative at all.  I’m done trying to be understood and being a damn fool for people.

 

I’m just gonna be me again – the original me, the Drake who busted out here saying and doing what I wanted and not giving a fuck whether people liked it or not.  giving a fuck just gets your heart broke

 

 

 

“Those who hate you only win if you hate them back” …Richard Nixon

 

I’m done hating.  A result of our degenerating memory is that I don’t remember most of it anymore anyway.  And like I think I said above – that’s probably a good thing.

 

Drake

11-18-08 – Gypsy… yeah so I’m gonna write damn it

Nobody’s journalled in almost a year since before the giant life trauma which we lost but won.  isnt that just a freaking microcosm of life?   ok that was random

 

anway  some like me want to journal again and be open on myspace like almost everyfreaingbody else again, need to.  I need to damn it.  Why should we all be  silenced forever when we don’t have to be?  The judge almost a year ago now said flat-out we can do and say whatever we want. we have the same damn freedom of speech as anybody.

 

 

There’s been a lot of in-fighting about this for a while among those of us who want to write again and those who want to stay silent, and each side has people wtih us.  so its not been pleasant inside. 

 

Drake’s been considering for a while now opening things back up since some here, including him too damn it, are wanting to journal agin and just damnn open up, and since anybody who’d try to do anything to us again would be real stupid and/or nuts to well act stupd and/or nuts on us again.   he’s even written a thing about opening back uop. b ut that was weeks ago. at least weeks. maybe more.  and he aint done it and i’m tired of waiting

 

Ok so yeah I understand and get it that Drake blames himself for every damn thing.  my god, the news could inform us that a earth-ending comet is gonna strike us, and he’d somehow make it his fault.  I’ve never seen anybody get so mind-fucked as him. 

 

But I’m not Drake.  I’m me.  And, he’s not the only wolf here.  And, like him, my personality epitomizes the personality of the wolf in many ways.  and I want, hell I NEED, to figuratively stand again and “howl”.  I have a voice, and I will not die silenced.  i damn well aint gonna die in a hole

 

ok so now I start talking

 

 

We survived against all odds yet again.  not one doc thot we were gonna.  but we did.  We’re left end-stage now tho, with this eating-away complication whatever called cachexia.  cachexia is a bitch.  home health, aide every day, end-stage care which the major qualification in this state to get is that the patient HAS to require nursing-home level care.  that’s just fuckiing terrifying.  no really

 

we now qualify for home doc visits too.  thinkig about that one.  qualify too for home T.  thinking about that one too altho not as intensely. 

 

also have a cant be broken DNI (do not intubate) finally in effect which hd to be done a certain legal way including PCP (main doc) going along with it and signing it so our life-span – well we’ll see how that pans out.  we’ll go when God says we go

 

we’ve been on a opiate pain patch for months now and i could write volumes about that. a nd i probly will

 

 

Jess/Hom came across country last year to take care of us for 2 of our 3 surgeries, I think.  maybe all of them.  I dont remember.  that’s another progression in our disease.  memory fucked.  spelling fucked.  just about everything fucked actually.

 

anyway then they came over 7 months ago to stay to help the man keep us at home to allow us to die at home.  God bless them bboth.  now for months, they’ve been our aide and they have another job that makes a little over a full-time job put together.  we’re hella proud of them.  hella proud

 

Many of us, and that icludes me, have come to love Jess/hom or love them more.  no way around it, they’re a freaking hero.  i got volumes in me regarding that too.  its been too long since i’ve written

 

 

anyway so we lost over 90 pounds, hve strugged with everytihng in us and by the grace of God, and Jess/Hom coming to take care of us and cook us food we can eat, we’ve gained back 20-24.   i say that cuase we had maintained at 22-24 weight gain that we achieved a few momths after the 3rd and biggest surgery, the gigantic one.  but 4 lbs down this week.  partly from stress and partly from no dairy. 

 

yeahh our dairy intolerance finally decided to kick our ass and make us vomit all the damn time that the opiate aint making us vomit or feel like we need to.  and we’ve spent months trying to figure out a way to get the nausea at least down to a level we can deal cause we’re essentially mostly vegetarian and dairy is in like hell at least half the things we eat and makes up the bulk of our protein.  workng on it

 

they say its impossible for us to ever be above micro size again.  and now with the DNI which means we aint doing that damn TPN feeding crap to prolong our life, w e gotta stay on top of the weight and deal fast and hard with the slides or we’ll be dying sooner rather than later.

 

i’m closing this now.  john and Jess are off picking ______ up from __________ for TNT.  that means total ______ time, meaning she gets us to herself and dont gotta share us. she made that up.  how cute is that! 

 

i just said you know what fuck it, i’m writing.  and i did. 

 

Gypsy

 

11-17-07 – Drake… my baby Annie died today

i cant say any more right now. john helped me bury her as close to our way as  possible.  he was so cool about it. god bless him.  i cant say anymore now

how do i go on now/ i destroy or everything dies that lvoes me

11-13-07 – Cody… More Annie shit

Yeah we’re like all so focused on that dog.  Its really awful to go thru with her.  I just thot I’d add that, when Annie was in the hospital last week or whenever that was, Gizzie was inconsolable. Then today when John took Annie out the door to the vet, Gizzie sat at the door and cried and cried and cried.

several here tried to comfort her, but she wouldn’t be comforted.  Finally, we put her outside, thinking maybe that’d help.  She loves the yard.

So then we noticed that as soon as we put G (the dog, not the bitch – yeah lame attempt at humor) outside, Madilyn and Spook took up vigil at the door, and neither one of them moved til the man came back with Annie. 

 the dogs all know something’s wrong with her.  Well, I think Riley’s too senile now to catch on, and I kinda think Boy’s not far behind.  But Maddie and Spook get it.  They’ve watched Betsy and Buddy die.  I think they know what’s going on.   Ok I’m told they also years ago saw Goldie and Wilma die too.

And I dont know, I’m kinda reluctant to say this, but I think I’m noticing a smell about Annie.  I think she smells sick.  Does that make any sense at all? 

Anyway, they’re both old.  Not ancient like Riley and Boy, but old.  Gizzie’s just about two, same age as Annie.  They are ALWAYS together.  Gizzie’s this tiny little thing, and Annie’s a monster doodle, or bohemoth as _______ calls her.  But they are totally best buds.  Sharon started calling them Mutt and Jeff after some cartoon characters when she was a friend that evidently one of them was real small and the other huge, but they were always together. 

Gizzie’s really gonna stroke out when  Annie dies.  It was hard listening to her sit at that door and cry like that today, and Annie was just at the vet. 

*

Dude we are so not in a place to deal with this right now.  Everybody’s beside themself.  And Drake.  Oh Lord, I tell you, I don’t know how he’s gonna pull thru this loss. 

and he blames himself for EVERYTHING, which is convenient for the devil and her crew since they also blame him for everything.  Which is ironic itself since it was satan in the form of _ _ _ who pushed one of the medical professionals surrounding us over the edge and in to protective mode of us. 

She was warned again and again she’d better keep her word and stop attacking us.  People tried to tell her the medical pros around us were gonna take the choice away from us if she went too far again.  And that’s what happened.  But bet you anything, Drake’s taking all the blame from the devil camp tho.

Anyway, he’s even found a way to blame himself for his dog dying.  He thinks God is allowing him to be punished for his, as he puts it “stupidity and refusing to give up, and being the primary  ________  trigger target”.  And he thinks God has allowed her wishing ALL our dogs dead to hit HIS dog.  Riley did almost die within days of her evil ass saying that. 

and with some people here being convinced she’s in to voo doo, and knowing she’s on a witch list after it popped up on a simple google search,  Drake thinks God has allowed her to, well as G’s been putting it lately, do the devil’s work.

I think I repeated myself.  I’m tired.  I hurt.  I’m mentally and physically done in.  So if I repeated myself, whatever.

Annie just walked to the bed and is staring at me with her head kinda dropped.  Its time for another of those mega pain pills.  God give her comfort please. 

Oh she made it on the bed!  I have to love her first.

Cody

11-13-07 – Gypsy… Annie

John took Annie back to the vet today to see if there’s anything else they can do, any more pain pills. Just anything cause people here are totally not in a dealing place with putting her down yet.  I mean hell this just suddenly came on literally weeks ago!

The vet agreed with Sharon that fluid is filling Annie’s abdominal cavity.  dude

 He said he had looked at everything again and tried to figure some way to try to operate on her and remove that mass, but he said its just too massive.  and where it is between the lungs, and the heart’s right there too, he said that thing is so big its literally entwined around everything.  oh god

Oh he said he’s almost positive she has Hodgkin’s lymphoma, but there would be no way to be positive what kind of cancer it is without going in there.

He kept her on the same heart and lung meds, but doubled the pain meds.  Said that’s the max he can give her.  So, I guess when she starts suffering too much again, that’s it.  Unless she dies at home.  The way her heart goes crazy sometimes and you can literally see it pounding.  and you can literally see her abdomen sucking in great heaves and out so fast, I’m afraid her hearts just gonna explode.  _ _ _ _ _ _  says its her trying to get enough oxygen. 

We’ve been afraid several times already she was gonna drop dead.  The doc even said in the office last week, I think it was last week, that he was afraid she was gonna drop dead right there.

On the one hand, we want our baby to die peacefully at home with us.  They say its horrible and traumatic to have to put a beloved pet down.  On the other hand, poor Annie’s heart’s gonna explode or something, and her lungs could collapse.  And oh that would be so not good to have to watch her strangle to death cause that’s how our son died after he was born. 

And not to be selfcentered or anything but I just know she’s gonna die when we’re here alone with her.  what a terrifying thot.

Oh Annie!  Poor annie little more than a baby. 

 Oh God, Drake is just nuts with grief.  I want him to be ok so bad.  I NEED him to be ok so bad.  but he just keeps getting hit and hit and hit.  and now HIS dog is dying a fast awful death.  man

D told John last nite that he dont want Annie buried in a casket like they’ve always buried pets here – in caskets John makes.  he said he wants her buried with his wolf blanket wrapped around her. 

the man looked all surprised and asked if Drake was sure.  and Drake said he’s positive.

I know what he’s doing.  He wants her buried as close to the Indian way as he can get it done.

G