6-13-09 – Drake & a little Cody… we cant even die like a “normal” person – oh yeah and a quote’s on here

its 7 a.m. another sleepless night.  started off being because littles here got triggered off about “getting got” in the night so we had to stay up until the “safe” time.  also something else happened upsetting. and we were so fucking sick for hours

oh yeah and then so riley our 18 year old maltese shits blood at like 5 a.m and that was when we just gave up and turned the damn coffee pot on after the almost hour it took us to clean him up and comfort him and calm ourself the fuck down

 i think we had a couple of short sleep things in the night and thats it.  part of it is also the overwhelming pain sometimes accompanied by nausea that can be so severe your just certain your fixing to die for sure. 

we’re eliminating a fraction of what we should  be and even though this latest med is making the stools soft enough to pass without making us bleed, there’s so little of it.

and also we dont sweat.  we found out that’s one of the symptoms of toxicity.  we havent sweated for years as a result of our CNS/neuro disease but except for  the period when we almost died from toxicity at Baylor, its never gotten anywhere near this bad.

dude we don’t even always have tears when we cry anymnore – another natural way the body eliminates toxins. 

yesteerday we were so sick we only managed to eat once, and that wasnt a lot.  and that was on pain patch change day. but our dose has been cut by third trying to reduce the toxicity because evidently fentanyl builds up in your system if you don’t eliminate it. 

 so we’re back to the reduced dose  patch – meaning pain level back in BAD control – and its only working two days instead of the three its supposed to, and it doesnt generally start working until some time in the early afternoon after placing it mid morning, and don’t feel good patch day ever. 

the second day (which would be today) is generally the best day pain and nausea-wise and when we can get the most calories and shit down us.  and also our best strength day – but we’re so fucking weak now that “best” is well its pathetic that’s what it is.  our own father put it right on the nose when he was asking questions one day recently and he suddenly said all kinda shocked and like devastated and shit “your a prisoner”.  yeah.  yeah we are

and our brain doesnt work good enough anymore to do the imagery and other techniques to help with our own pain control like we were able to do for the first two damn decades of this crap.  hell there’s so many other mults with chronic illnesses that  people here like sharon and lisa taught those techniques to.  you can do so much to control your own pain IF you can fucking think well enough to concentrate!!!  shoot me

oh God help us

then by the evening of the second day, the patch starts to stop working. by early morning patch day we’re sick.  by mid morning if Jess hasn’t woken up we hagve to get her up because we’re starting to have withdrawals and we aren’t strong enough anymore to make the damn patches adhere to our skin so we have to get her out of bed even when she doesnt have to work just to put our damn patch on. 

last night there was hours of oh god the worst i cant even describe it.  we could just keep telling J “I feel funny” “something’s wrong” “I don’t feel right”.  on top of the unbearable pain and off and on nausea.  we are so fixing to get our ass thrown in the hospital.  i just know it.  did i say we only were able to eat once yesterday. dude that juyst wont do

then i don’t know what happened but one of our very disturbed littles got mega triggered off last evening evidently for a long time and nbody at Hom could bump her. I finally managed to bump her from here. 

 actually it was more than one of our littles.  one started it, and hell i’m confused now but either one or two of that group who all look alike got in to it.  it was hell

man that’s twice this week.  that i know of.  twice that we’ve had littles come out wigged out and completely out of  control. 

dude that just doesnt happen to us.  that is such a rare occurrence since we became adult in the body and almost all us here standing have never even dealt with this hardly  at all RL (real life) and we’re like what the fuck

Now its morning.  another day.  I do not hve a good feeling about how this is all progressing.  and oh dude every time one of those have you had a family member die from fetanyl patch things comes on tv we just wig the fuck out. gawd

*

anyway that was all like totally completely random.  i actually came here to put a quote that struck me. 

Patrick Swayze, an actor that some here have always been a huge fan of, has terminal cancer and E’s done some bio on him or something and this commercial blurb comes on and this man looks like death walking and he says

“I’ve got a lot of things I wanna do.  I wanna see how far I can go”

and I thought wow you know that’s us too!  its not just us and the dad and Bill – all of us who’ve totally blown the predictions on us out of the water.  You get to thinking your the only one.  and then to make it worse, like the dad said after the fire when nobody showed up to help something like “sister when you’ve been sick too long people forget you”

but anyway patrick swayze saying that struck me because its what we keep saying too essentially.  only now for months, ever since that damn lymphadenitis and all the complications and the round after round of super antibiotics killed all the good bacteria or some shit and now we survived the illness and the fucking ”cure” made us toxic and might get us.  

please sGod just let me stay on topic like two sentences.  seriously

Its that we’re scared here dude.  there’s so much we wanna do and we have come to the realizatione that there’s no wayw in hell its gonna happen.  none of us can barely type anymore.  ___’s heirloom gift handmade by us special needlpoint is the only one finished.  the others are almost finished but we cant control our hands well enough to even type right anymore!   we’re not gonna make it to Disney world with our ______ and ________ that was our wish before we die.  its too late

and memorioes.  we HAVE to make memories.  as many and fast as we can.  good ones.  oh god in heaven i’m begging you please please let our lvoed ones remember us and remember jmore good  than bad. and sick like this for so long is bad.  we try so hard to hide it around everybody RL but John and Jess/hom but they’re not stupid. 

oh we should’ve died during all those surgeries over that open gut wound from the fall and radical and shit when NOBODY expected us to live we were told later by more than one med person.  we were told the other day our lowest recordd weight was 86. and we lost more than that

 we’re too debilitated and sick now and nobody here wants our loved ones to remember us like this.  so we obsess with chances and every opportunity to make a memory with any of them. 

if we’re gonna keep getting “miracles” and surviving complicatiosnm that kill most people withj our disease how about making some of these incidinces be like actual miracles and cut us a break for a while? sorry god

but we have things to do.  things to do!  and NO strength!  we’re fading.  i think we’re done.  oh god ii’m so tired. just tired. so tired

hwhat was i wrting about?  oh yeah that quote.  gawd

is there anybody else out there seeing this going through end-stage?  if you are do you want somebody to talk to? dude I do

 

ok yeah that was Drake.  this is Cody.  i’m gonna go try to get some nourishment in us before the next we surely gonna die from nausea or colon spasms shit hits

6-11-09 – Drake… quote on deciding when you have to fight – been there, done that

You cannot run away from a weakness; you must some time fight it out or perish; and if that be so, why not now, and where you stand.  …Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894), “The Amateur Emigrant”

 

 

See, this quote is not just about fighting for honor to me.  its also about choosing to fight despite debilitating/fatal illness, pain, complications that statisticfally most withj our disease would’ve already died from long ago…

 

to live another day so as to have possibly -just maybe – a chance on that given day to make a memory with someone or to make a difference in someone’s life.    

 

*

 

When I’m dead, I hope its said about me, not only what sharon wants so bad – that she tried – but I want it said about me that I stood on  my honor, and my existence made a positive difference somewhere – just somewhere, to someone. If that happens, my life will have been worth it. 

 

Sharon also says she feels her life will be worth it if people remember more good than bad about her.  or maybe i said that.  oh hell somebody here said it, but i agree with that.

 

and trust me dude, i’ve long ago discovered I think that there are times when you have to have faith or your just screwed.  and there are times when that faith comes in to play when you look around you and realize dude I’m gonna have to fight or perish right here where I stand.

*

 

And just for the hell of it because its a good quote but I’m not sure I believe it…

 

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.   …Louis L’Amour (1908-1988)

 

*

 

I thought about this particular qoute for a few minjutes adfter clicking send and was stricken suddenly with you know what?  i think i do believe this. 

 

when I lost my second family, not only me but i thinkn everybody inside and out who knew me thought that was it, i was finished.  everybody but Jess, the true Jewel.  She NEVER ONE TIME  for one secfond of one day gave up on me, and now I (well ok we actyually in a literal sense) owe my life to her. 

A J destroyed me…

another J brought me back for a new beginning – AND lengthened our life here at home by mopving here to take care of us - so far over a year now and counting – with chances to make memories with our loved ones. 

D

6-6-09 – cody… the vid with that line “they shoot horses dont they” – absolutely NO kids or fragile people its graphic (addendums by Drake & Kelli)

I noticed on that little stat thing wp has that somebody had searched trying to find the song they shoot horses dont they.  its not a song.  it was a movie. a  tragic movie  whifch some here relate to in this end of our life.  i found the final scene in which that line is said.  the line is at the end of the scene

this is very graphic.  do not let any kids or i cant think of the word i dont wanna use weak thats not the  right word.gb ut  =dont let them view this

 

NOTE;  this is drake next day.  i think i ned to explain this saying because it dawwned on me that it might not be widely understood.  the ground is full of holes.  in the plains for  instance there are gopher holes and snake hooles and priarie dog holes.  when a horse is running, if it steps in one of these holes, it breaks its leg.  now i think tehy can sometimes fix horses broken legs, but it wasnt used to be that way.  the horse hade to be shot to be put out of its misery because there was no hope.  hence the man’s explanation “they shoot horses don’t they” (to cops question of why did this man help a woman who had had so many hard things and tragedies that she had lost all hope of there being any chance of any way to salvage any kindof life for herself so shebegged him and he helped her commit suicide  - added by kelli)

more note on 6-9 or something: its kelli.  i’m taking this video off.  i thinkits too violent.  its on youtube under they shoot horses dont they final scene if anybody wants to see it that bad

5-29-09 – Kelli… wow quote about after we’re gone

Someone once asked me what I want on my epitaph. Just the words ‘I tried’. That’s what this game of life is all about. Trying. There’s the tryers, the criers and the liars.  … Mickey Rooney

 

I’m holding the front so far this morning.  we’re in such dire straits here with the disease progression essentially killing off our fronters one by one (well not literally – rendering nonnfunctional would be a better choice of words probly) or damaging us to the point we cant front good.  and too about half us left cant front around um some people cause we’re too different and so not “acceptable”.  we try so hard to live longer for them – and dude that is not easy cause this is fucking hell and sufferng every minute of every day and nite – and we’re still not ”acceptable”.  just fucking shoot me dude and be done with it. damn

actually i happen to be one of the “acceptable” ones cause the family things I’m Sue (the host).  evidently I’m a LOT like her.  only prob is i cant eat so

 and theres like huge  life shit going on and oh dude we are so notn able to deal with regular life shit no more.  we panic we freeze up we wig out we get irrational we get confused we dont understand shit said to us.  oh gawd its a fucking nitemare. 

we dont need nobody to pile the guilt on us no more – altho it happens like oh all the time.  we do plenty good enough job of that on our own.  dont need no more help with that.  thanks tho.  now go away  ignore that.  i was having an immature moment

gawd we’re so damaged.  it makes me sick.  literally sick.  like for instance we’re always sick in the morning.  always. but  i literally got more than our usual morning sick from the opium  this morningn that i  almost passed out just cause something stupid and small to a “normal/well” person fucking upset my damnittohel fucking equilibrium and almost knocked me down – as i down i can’t function down. 

 i did fall down at least 2 times this morning in the sick and feeling like i was gonna faint spell.  like hit the floor fell and thats kinda unusual for us cause like all the other members of our fam witht his disease, we’ve mastered what the pros call the “controlled fall”.  in other words we can fall and look like we’ve broke our fool neck but fell “right” so didnt hurt nothing – or not bad anyway

anwayfucking way

gawd ever last one of us is affected by this and many other abilities lost.  not a damn one of us can stay on topic or type like shit anymore or spell like shit.  and evidently we were the best once upone a time dude.  made a career outta it.    now cause of our disease is in our brain and the progression we’re all affected and this is yet another case in point

as i was saying

anywayfucking way actually i’m one of the ones that’s a crappy fronter since the cachexia hit cause i dont eat – well unless its chocolate.  oh dude i love chocolate!   in fact i think there’s one of them rocky road brownies from city bites left from john getting us dinner last nite cause dude since the cachexia hit we get anything to eat we even fucking mention we might be able to eat. dude they literally feedus anything we can and will eat now. 

those here that eat are all about it.  i’m just like um i cant do that – but i can eat some chocolate.  so if one of them brownies is still there, i’m calling dibs.

anyway i’m like a crappy front er and can only front between meals.  how inadequate does that make me feel?  fucking fucking sigh

anyway i was looking thru Drake’s daily quote thing he’s got for years cause he loves quotes and i saw this one and i was like wow how many times have people here said exactly that!   that we just want so bad for people to realize when we’re gone that we tried.  oh yeah we’ve made hella lot of mistakes.  and some hella huge ones.  but we’ve never stopped trying.  and god please please i the end let the fact that we never stopped trying make a difference.  please

anyway this spoke to me so here it is

kelli

 

5-26-09 – Drake… that’s the damn truth

It is the storm within that endangers, not the storm without.  …Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

5-26-09 – Drake… Gilda knew – quote on dogs

I greatly admire Gilda Radner – one of the original SNL cast, and a person who actually led a quite difficult and tragic life at times, and who died very young of cancer.  I admire her so much that, during the hard online time, I made a addy for a while “GildaKnew”, referencing to a quote I’ve had on my sites for years which she said while dying. 

Gilda wasn’t just one of the funniest people who ever lived IMO, but that woman made some very astute observations.  Here is one…

I think dogs are the most amazing creatures because they give unconditional love. They are the role model for being alive.  …Gilda Radner 

*

People here have always loved dogs; but, in this end-time of our life, we have learned more about them than we even thought was possible to know while we’ve spent our days – and nights – in such close quarters with ours.  I guess you learn a lot about someone (or another species *wry grin*)  when you spend months, now turning in to years being so ill that your on home health/end-stage care, confined in large part to your house, especially your bed. 

Dog ARE loyal and wonderful.  They love you no matter what.  They think you are the most great thing since people bites *g*. 

They will cuddle and love on you, play gently with you.  And some of our greatest memories, particularly in these last 2+ years have been of times with our dogs – tmes in which they make a tremendous difference in our life – even bolstering our will to fight to live another day.   or even – like now because we feel like shit and are so weak – they’ll lie peacefully and happy just to be near you – and I know damn well they are convinced they’re protecting you – surrounding you with their bodies, freely giving of mountainous vibes of love. 

Our dogs make certain we are never alone.  Riley does’t really count in that regard since he’s 18, blind, almost deaf, and totally dependent on us, so spends the vast majority of his time on his pillow beside our head on in the arms of one of us, Jess or ____.   but generally, we have at least three of them around us; and, when we are doing really bad, these dogs will literally take turns “watching over us”, making certain that we are always surrounded by at leasat several of them ever minute in these times. 

When the pain is so bad we can’t stand it, they’ll literally wrap themselves around you as if they’re giving you some of their strength.  I do know that their body warmth helps.  And there’s no value which is possible to even be placed on the encouragement and morale-boosting they give.

They remember you, are there for you, when almost everyone else in the world has become worn out watching you slowly slip away – you are their life, clean and simple.  You are important to them.   They will never betray you nor let you down.  They bring humor and silliness – and can always bring a smile – no matter how bad the sickness and/or pain and/or emotional pain is on any given day.   When you feel overwhelmed, they will lay their head on your shoulder (or head lol) or will literally put their “arm” around you and lie next to you.

And, n our case – being mult – they KNOW us – they really know us.  In fact, they love us all, but they each have indviduals here which they are most attached to.

I know I’m being all hokey and shit, but in my personal opinion, I think dogs can be a miracle to person, and that they are one of the greatst gifts God gave mankind.  So, when I saw this quote from Gilda Radner this morning, I just had to post it and ramble on about it a bit. 

Drake

4-28-09 – Amy… end of life stuff – “people are better than no people” quote that spoke to me

so we’ve been pretty sick.  ugh  sick sucks.  I hate sick.  i’m sick of being sick.  sick and tired of it all.  just tired  

anyway i finally dragged myself outta bed a while ago cause ___’s coming and turned on a recorded show on tv.  according to the tv, its supposed to  be Samantha Who.  i lovet hat show.  but it wasnt.  its some medical show. 

and the recording starts in a hospital room and the scene is the fam sitting alll around this lady’s bed when she suddenly flatlines.  docs come running from everywhere like we’ve had happen to us before, and one of them shoves a family member outta the way and tells her and the rest of them to get out.

i gues its the daughter says “are you gonna let us know”?  and the doc gives her this die look and says snidely “yeah i’ll let you know”.  nd then he calls them bastards as they leave. 

then he immediately turns his attention to the lady that aint breathing and does that chest shocking thing on her and yells at her to come back and says essentially “dont let the bastards win”.  and it brings her back to lfie and she looks around disoriented.   

the doc’s face softens and he says “hey your a fighter you kknow that?  you’ve worked hard today”.  and he turns to a nurse or whatever and says “she needs rest.  see the family and be sure they dont come back in here.  give her a break from all the ‘love’”. 

and the sick lady says shockingly emphatically for somebody that just wasnt breathing a minute ago “no”!!! then she looks all tender at the doc and explains “its been a long time.  but they always come” (assumably every time she almost dies).  then she says “these are my people.  People keep you going.  people are better than no people.”

sigh  sometimes you feel so alone.  you try so hard to hold on to your faith in God and be grateful for yet another miracle of extended life, try to be grateful for every extra day, every extra minute, and especially be grateful for the few that still wants to be with you every minute they can and tell you allla time how much they love you and love being with you. 

and yeah we been told lots, explained over and over to us, how its normal for people to draw away from and visit dying loved ones less nd less, spend less time with them, cause its hard on them to watch their loved ones go thru end-of-life stuff.  but oh trust me, its harder to life it.  at least the ones with family members/loved ones in that situation has got choices.  when your the one, your choices is limited dude.  and almost all the choices you do get revolve around the choices of themwho love you but they get overwhelmed and tired of it all and stressed out from watching their loved one hang on to life, and so they drift away and not only dont make hardly no memories no more but leave the care of that person they really do love so much in the hands of whoever is willing to do it.  and if that sick/dying person is real lucky, then at least one fam member is willing to do it and if they get overwhelmed and cant do it alone no more maybe God sends a angel to help them like He did us when he sent Jess/hom.  yeah we aint stupid and got rose-colored glasses.  we know Hom aint an angel but they are to us cause they came when we needed them to help john when nobody else came.

But then another crisis hits sudden, or maybe gradually comes on and becomes another obvious life or death crisis – and they come.  they always come.  but in between they get overwhelmed and tired of it all and stressed out from watching their loved one hang on to life and suffer.  and peple dont like to watch nobody suffer.  normal people dont anyways.  watching soembody suffer is hard.  so they drift away again – until another crisis of life or death – then they come cause they always do.. 

whats so very very sad and tragicc most of all in these situations i thihnk is that the loved ones lose understanding that those times between the life and death moments are gifts God’s given us all - and the thing about gifts of any sort is that they can be treasured or squandered.  its like people forget or something the power of a few minutes of time laughing and remembering fun/cool stuff, or taking a while outta their day to do something together they used to do with that loved one.  and i think they especially forget the powers of a kind word and a hug but i’m tellin g you these things can lift the spirits of a person on home health trapped almost totally at home or even more horrible trapped in a nursing home, these little things like kind words and hugs can last for weeks or months or even all the way to the end of however extra long God gifts us with cause not only can we experience every minute we can get with them that wants to spend it with us and still thinks we’re worth something even tho we ourself just see ourself as sick and worwthless – i think loved ones dont understand that a kind word,, a hug, a little of your time, a special treat or little gift or homecooked meal or taken out to eat – any these things and so much more – such little things to you – are treasures to a person trapped in home health/longterm care, end-stage care, suffering – treasures that make us have the strength and courage to fight another day, hang on another day, get up another day cause just these little things make us feel loved.  and when a person feels loved and valued oh man they can climb just about any mountain! 

and i think and loved ones dont understand that these acts of kindness and nice words and your time is more for you in the long run than for us cause your gonna be the ones left when we’re gone.  we’ll be free at last of all the pain and suffering and sickness and feeling worthless and useless and unimportant and cant do nothing right and and and cauase we’ll be with our Lord in Paradise.   so i feel sorry for them that’s left with the coulda shoulda wouldas cause we been there, and we know it can eat you up. 

*

for us now, its too late for anger and bitterness at this point, ya know.  too late to hold on to grudges and perceived (or real) wrongs.  too late to refuse to forgive.  just plain foolish to hang on to old stuff that cant be changed.  its the people gonna be left be worry about cause it’ll all stay on you after we’re gone to Heaven.  This is the gift time God gives some people.  and sometimes I marvel myself at how many extra gift times God’s given us,, how many times we been supposed to die by all accounts and somehow didn’t.  but this is yet another gift time from God for each of us to do with as we will.  dont squander your treasures or anybody that was EVER a treasure to you.   

shoot we lay here and remember things that happened a long time ago when somebody we didnt expect came to visit or gave us a call or brought us a little gift or called and said “get dressed. i’m buying you lunch and we’re goign to the store or gonna buy flowers or whatever.”   or just showed up with food you know we love (of and if you made it yourself we’ll just bawl from gratitude altho Jess/hom being here so long now has pretty much freed us from that humiliating reactionn cause they’re so wonderful and cook for us wonderful tihngs alla time and cause of them we’ve blown ALL the docs and home health peoples predictions of the possibbilities outta the water) .  what i’m saying i guess is right or wrong (and oh god evidently we made lots of mmistakes in our life) but we choosing to live in this debiilitated constant horrific suffering state on freaking opium patches for god’s sake for you – we shouldl be long dead.  we’re supposed to be dead.  how do i say this.  i’m scared i’m gonna get yelled at. ok here goes – sometiems, just maybe every little once in a while, please choose me – even just for a few minutes,, a few knd words, a hug

anyway dammit i cantstay on topic.  point is i donno.  this little snippet of a show  i happened upon just struck me ya know.  like ok well we aint the only one that goes thru stuff like this if its actually been studied by pros and stuff and shoot even being made part of a medical show.  still sucks tho

and whatever i guess but you cant make people do what you’d do.  or have done yourself when you was able in the same situation.  or what you think is the right thing to do.  it aint your decision no more.  actually hardly nothing’s our decision no more.  anyway i hope somebody somewhere listened to me but the way it generally goes with me, that aint likely.  whats much more likely is that i’ll get yelled at for saying something wrong.  but sometiems its like i wanna scream/cry/beg/plead dont anybody wanna spend last times with us hardly?  its like we wanna cry out “hey!  I still got lots to offer even tho i’m so sick.  look at the ______.  they still adore us and treasure every minute with us.  we can still make memories. oh please make memories with me/us!  you will remember them later and treasure them.  we been there.  we know.  we promise and if even one person anywhere – whether we know them or whether they’re just sombody that happens on to this – if my gut-spilling here made any difference for the good i’ll be so happy, not just for the sick and dying peoplew ho feels so alone and forgotten, but for you if i helped you understand that you gotta do so little for people in our situation to make our hearts sing.  if it just aint doable then k then. whatever i guess.  i tried.

just me amy who dont even count anyways to hardly nobody

4-05-09 – Drake… Pedro Zemora quote on being counted

It doesn’t matter whether I die or survive.  In the big scheme of things what matters is that I stood up and was counted.   …Pedro Zemora talking to “Real World” executives about his decision to become an activist regarding AIDS 

* 

So many times in my life it has seemed to me that few people are willing to step out there and be counted for anything – no matter how much they believe in the rightness of doing so.  Why?  Well, I think because the literal moment of choice to step out, reveal yourself, stand for something you believe strongly in – knowing full well that, in doing so, you could very possibly be making yourself a target, and aware of the potential cost to yourself and even possibly to your loved ones…

that moment of decision is a deep personal test for the presence within one’s soul of a defining combination of character and courage with perhaps a dash or more of foolhardiness.

In my own situation, in the end, will the fact that I (my system) have stood up and been counted on the issues we’ve chosen matter for good?  In truth, I don’t know.  I can only hope it will.   But, I do know that it would have mattered if we hadn’t.

Drake Aaron Phoenix

3-24-09 – Cody… a movie that’s striking a cord in us about life and whether we’ve made a difference and will anybody really care when we’re gone and shit

watchng this pretty strange movie called “Mitch Albom’s The Five People You Meet” wth Jon Voight in it.  its about a man who dies in a carnival accident trying to save a little girl’s life.  and, when he gets to heaven, he finds out he has to meet 5 people who he had a huge impact on their life or they on his.  

This guy feels like his life was a failure, that he never accomplished anything of significance, that nothing he did mattered, that he had no impact on anybody else’s life.  In other words, he feels he lived a pointless useless life – and now he’s dead and all his chances are gone.  I’m guessing that’s why he has to meet up with 5 people from his life – so he can have an epiphany that his life did have meaning. 

anyway so the movie’s only on the 2nd meeting, and I’m thinking yeah i’m not so sure we should be watching this movie.  But its ended up being one of them every bodies’ out kinda things cause its like morbidly fascinating altho nobody really knows why I dont think.  Somebody here even said to Jess “I wonder if this is gonna give either of us nightmares tonite”. I’m beginning to think tho that this movie might hold a really big msg for us or something. 

* 

anyway so in the first meeting in heaven right after he dies, the man meets up with a guy who saved his life when he was a little boy – and he didn’t even realize it.   that man sacrificed his life to save a little boy he didn’t even know (the newly-dead man).

 and he grew up and was living his life.  But he was unhappy – always feeling not good enough, always feeling like a failure, never feeling like he mattered or that anything he did had any significance.

Then he got sent to war.  which brings him to the 2nd meeting. 

* 

 he’s meeting up with the guy (now dead of course) who was his superior officer in the war.  

In this instance, the officer made a huge sacrifice for him – to give him a chance to get home and have a life after the war.  Only the man instead went home and became bitter and couldn’t get over what had happened to him in the war.  and cause of that bitterness, he lost his wife and everything – and he spent his life feeling not good enough, like nothing he did mattered, like he meant nothing to anybody.  

and he’s all upset to find out that his officer sacrificed his life so that he could live what he believed had been a pointless/useless life, and the officer says:  you don’t get it.  sacrifice aint something to be ashamed of.  Its something to be proud of.  When people stop sacrificing for one another, they lose what makes them human.  Its the noblest thing we do

the newly-dead man says;  you lost everything (to save me)

and the dead officer says:  well thats the thing about sacrifice.  sometimes when you think your losing something, your really just passing it on to somebody

the officer says he had waited all this time for the man to come to heaven too cause he had to ask for forgiveness for what he had to do in order to save the man’s life all those years ago.  the man asks him why he chose to wait there – in the midst of the war zone if he was in heaven.  and the officer says he wanted to see what life was like before everybody started killing each other in the war

and the  newly-dead man looks around him at the war-torn countryside and says:  but this is war

officer says:   our eyes aint the same soldier.  This is what I see 

and he spreads his arms around – and suddenly the war-torn countryside is a beautiful paradise. 

He thanks the newly-dead man for forgiving him for doing what he had to do in order to save his life, and says that’s what he needed - and walks off in to the paradise. 

*

Like I said, this is just the 2nd person of 5 this guy’s gotta meet in heaven – all people who either he impacted their life in some gigantic way or they his.  In both meetings so far, he’s begged of the people he’s met to just tell him if he was able to save the little girl he himself died trying to save – and they’ve both told him they can’t tell him.  I’m assuming we’ll find out at the end. 

* 

Oh yeah – and all thru this movie, it keeps going back to the present – to life on earth – to the people left behind.  little vignettes of how people are grieving for him and mmissing him -  people he didn’t even know care.  and how much went on surrounding how he died trying to save that little girl and all. 

*

I dont know what else to say right now.  i dont really knwo why i stopped this movie to write this.  I just know that its seems significant.  Maybe it seems so significant cause here we are at the end-time of our own life – and you find yourself examining and picking things apart…

did I do this wrong?

did I do that wrong?

could we’ve done this or that better or different?

Should we have made a different decision in this situation or that one?

Has my life, our life, meant anything to anybody?  have we made a difference anywhere… to anyone…

 

just thinking, you know?

Cody mostly

3-18-09 – Cody… Something profound Drake said a long time ago

Note:  Sometimes Drake can be so fucking profound.   I just ran across something he said       1  1/2 years ago that i think speaks to everybody left here now…

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“How do you grieve life?  I mean I know people can be angry at life.  But, how do you explain grieving it?  …I’m so tired of grief and illness and loss.  Tired of it, yet obviously not done with it.”  …Drake Aaron Phoenix, 11-07